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You say that like Hawaiian Punch and Vodka is a bad thing.
-- Johnnie Royale
More Pigdog Columns
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Henry Juszkiewicz Destroys Gibson Guitars
If you follow music industry news, or even just general business news, you're probably aware that Gibson Brands, Inc. is teetering on the edge of bankruptcy. There's every reason to believe it will fall over that edge by August of this year at the very latest, because it has, as Bruce Springsteen put it in at least two different songs, "debts no honest man can pay." (More...)
Shithole. If you cleaned it up some. Ness had been in worse though. He coughed—something cool and thick rose into the back of his mouth and he spat reflexively. A scurrilous wad of mucus tinged with blood landed heavily with a wet unsavory sonance to lie like a stillborn slug. The cough was accompanied by a searing pain in his chest, but the intimation of the mortality bearing down on him left no mark upon him. The viscid love letter from the cancer in his lungs quivered briefly and then was still. It seemed at home there among the refused and casually discarded constituency of debris. Shithole. (More...)
Running your mouth without engaging the clutch to your brain may result in laughter and finger-pointing ... (More...)
Microsoft finally admits it: Internet Explorer 6 is a shitty, shitty browser. According to the new Microsoft web site The Internet Explorer 6 Countdown: "Friends don't let friends use Internet Explorer 6. And neither should acquaintances. Educate others about moving off of Internet Explorer 6." By educate they mean "move to IE9", but why not give these poor IE6 users a real helping hand, and help move them to Firefox or Chrome? (More...)
Owner of 6 Medical Marijuana Dispensaries Arrested
Reefer madness or a government fabrication? (More...)
Ron Paul Loses, Anarchists Blame Media
Ron Paul has not secured many delegates after spending millions on his Republican campaign. Note that the opinions stated here are mine and not the opinions of the pigdog.org staff. (More...)
CIA "Family Jewels" More Like "Numb Nuts"
When I first heard that the CIA was about to release several hundred pages of previously classified material that would shed light on its various operations, I laughed hard enough to scare the clown next to me into a career as a mime. I'd seen declassified material before. Most of it involved pages with vast swaths of black redaction clouding any seriously useful information. Between the blackness were little glimpses of wretched wrongness that no one in their right mind would take credit for having engineered, funded, imagined, and/or perpetrated. Somehow, the thought of the Bush/Cheney White House permitting a whole new, potentially more incriminating disgorgement from the CIA was not only implausible but utterly ridiculous. (More...)
Google Maps Street View Bypasses the Hood
Today google maps unveiled "street view" which gives you a 360 degree camera angle view of the nice areas of some major cities. (More...)
Torture: It's not just for witches anymore!
During the second Republican Presidential Debate each of the candidates was given a hypothetical "impending doom from terrorists" scenario and asked if they would use torture to extract information from prisoners who might have some information about a possible imminent attack. The answers ranged from "yes" to "absolutely yes" to Mitt Romney's "yes, as long as we refer to torture as 'enhanced interrogation techniques'." John McCain was the lone dissenter stating categorically "no". Too bad John McCain doesn't know his history. Torture was used to stop terrorism here before there was a USA. In 1692 the town of Salem, Massachusetts was being terrorized, and they successfully used torture to stop the terror. (More...)
It was New Year's Eve and I wanted a signature drink I could hand to my guests. Something that they would accept with no fuss, drink quickly, and then want another. A drink simple enough that I could explain the recipe quickly -- thereby annointing each new guest as a bartender capable of making the drink -- and freeing me to enjoy myself. So I created The MAN-tini... (More...)
Christmas Claims Godfather of Soul
So, the other half of Christmas was the 5 Liberty bash, which was once again off the hood. Never mind the generous loot that befell certain perceptive, lucky, and quick-witted friends of yours. The company was sublime and kept me there until sometime after three-thirty. Somehow, I just wasn't ready to go to bed. (More...)
Watching the Republican retreat from the now undeniable failure that is Iraq's current pitiful condition is nothing short of a monumental disgrace to humanity. I'm not talking about "peace with honor," which was Nixon's shorthand for "Let's get the fuck out of here and keep our mouths shut." That his progeny don't even have the grace of Richard Nixon is difficult to imagine, seeing as how Nixon was an evil sack of shit whose soul will be receiving mail in hell long after our sun has gone nova. No. The modern breed of mean-spirited, venal cowards pipe up the rhetoric born of lowly insurance defense lawyers who have their eye on making partner by making assumption of responsibility seem like faux martyrdom. (More...)
It was all looking so good. The battle plan was another masterpiece, the minds out there just waiting to be manipulated towards another victory. Subtle pushes here, a few prods there, and voila!--another incompetent Democratic effort crushed on Election Day. Then came those damned teen tarts that serve as pages in Congress. (More...)
The Bush Administration fired its opening salvo in the coming Congression election war yesterday. Most liberal pundits seem to have completely missed this, judging by what I have seen and read in the intervening 24 hours. The two shots were seemingly disparate, yet they are as closely connected as Karl Rove and treachery. So take notice, boyz and goilz: these mindtricks are the ones that are going to kill the Democrats at the ballot box this November if people aren’t extremely careful -- and vocal. (More...)
Brother, Can You Spare a Backbone?
In the the Thirties, America was hungry. Soup lines stretched for blocks, families were forced onto the street, and an unimaginable desperation hung over everyone who wasn't already super-rich. During those times, the common line, "Brother, can you spare a dime?" echoed from the humbled egos on Wall Street, across the Dust Bowl and out to the Pacific. The real pity is that it took a global war to bail us out from that depression. (More...)
War on Terror produces excess inventory of doomsday ready laptops
The War on Terror has resulted in a rush of new technology useful to the general population. (More...)
People in my office chuckled a little last week when I told them I had the current winning bid for an old German u-boat that was being hawked on Ebay. (More...)
I would never have suspected that George Bush was a dime store Chuck Norris, waiting for the opportunity to bust a move on some random, unsuspecting foreign leader. Such has been the case as of late with the Bushwhacker's trip to the Subcontinent. Though vastly unreported in the conventional media, my well-placed sources in the Foreign Service Bureau say that Pakistani "president" Pervez Musharraf is undergoing emergency surgery this week to remove his testicles from his upper chest. (More...)
Software Piracy, Millenium Edition
Counterfeit software and the Russian mafia. Is WGA a myth? (More...)
Ooof. Man, I've been off the keys too long. There's been several attractive fruits out there, ripe for the picking and consumption, but realtime demands have kept me away from the farmer's market. Until now. Great to be back. So nice to see all of you lovely Gonzos. (More...)
Displaying PDF Files in Mozilla
At some point, my Mozilla browser stopped displaying PDF files. When I first installed it, I could view PDF files in a tabbed browser window just fine, but somewhere along the upgrade path viewing PDFs just stopped working. (More...)
Protest prompts George W. Bush to step down from office
San Francisco comes alive with protest on November 2nd, 2005. (More...)
"Do you believe that the Republicans even control the weather now?" (More...)
Bush Brain in Critical Condition
Sometime over the last 24 hours, George Bush Jr. had a stroke. You would never be able to tell. Bush continued giving speeches and making appearances, like the one at the FBI training academy. His photo ops have rolled right along, too. But despite these appearances, the man is profoundly ill. (More...)
Homies - figurines, submachine gunning fun.
Homies, 8-ball, cholo, gata puta... the homies is straight collectifyin' (More...)
“This Land Is My Land” – Ha, Sucker!
Cannibalism. Seems to me that this used to be an anathema in America. But convenience and desperation have a way of assuaging our revulsion. We want what we want, when we want it and need to maintain a certain standard of life no matter what happens to us. (More...)
Car technology reaches a new height with the introduction of the fuel efficient, two-seater, Bin Laden Hybrid SUV. (More...)
According to a new Harvard-affiliated study, taking tablets made from kudzu makes people drunker than just drinking alone. In the spirit of scientific inquiry, Pigdog Bevertology Labs™ obtained some raw kudzu leaves and created our latest Spocktail of the Week™: the Kudzu Kooler. (More...)
The King is dead! Long live the King! (More...)
Goddamn it! How could we let Bernard Kerik slip away from us like that? (More...)
It's that time of year again -- Burning Man Season -- and that means fresh SCIENCE! Here is a new lab experiment for the fruity hillbilly in all of us. (More...)
It was Friday night at the Casa de Baron and everything was in place -- a group of friends had assembled, people were setting things on fire in the backyard, and a Ferry Corsten double-live CD was playing on the stereo. Everything was in place to make further scientific advances in beverage research and leisure technology. (More...)
On a hot spring night after dinner and before the night's serious drinking begins, a Romulan Highball really hits the spot. (More...)
Back in December 2002 we reported on how the German cannibal Armin Meiwes found a willing victim on the Internet whom he slaughtered and ate -- with the victim's help. The trial just ended, the verdict is in, and the jurors have ruled that Meiwes is not guilty... of murder. (More...)
For all you Sensitive New Age Guys (SNAG) out there who complain about not getting laid, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret: Women only like to have sex with jerks. (More...)
There’s a lot of hullabaloo right now over whether President George W. Bush and his administration lied to the American people about the evidence that Saddam Hussein had or was actively trying to obtain weapons of mass destruction, specifically ABC (Atomic, Biological, or Chemical) weaponry. To this I can only say, "Read his lips: he's a Republican." (More...)
That rumble I felt this morning wasn't caused by any kind of geological seismic displacement. Rather, it was the ripping wave of social change. In case you didn't feel it, or hear the resounding howl from the Castro, Greenwich Village, and Key West, the Supreme Court ruled that anti-sodomy laws are unconstitutional per a reasonable expectation of privacy. (More...)
"Revisionist history" is the big buzz term at the White House lately. Condi Rice fished this one from the post-Vietnam defeat archives and re-applied it to anyone questioning the "intelligence" reports used to justify our lighting war on Iraq. The Bushmeister has also latched onto the term, using it to conveniently silence and/or dispose of anyone who grills him on pre-war Weapons of Mass Destruction evidence. The Bush team wields this weapon like a giant claymore sword, almost as much as they used "patriotism" to browbeat any Congressional resistance to homeland security initiatives or the mobilization to Iraq. It's a classic emerging Bush-ism, clearly used for "us-or-them" effect. (More...)
My teeth nearly fell out a few weeks ago when I heard Ariel Sharon say that he was going to begin dismantling illegal Israeli settlements in the Occupied Territories as a means of getting the Peace Process back on track. Reciprocal promises by Mahmoud Abbas to crack down on factional terror strikes seemed almost as breathtaking. Could this be the moment I so longed for since the fatal blow to a nearly-realized dream three years ago? Would the bloodshed stop and period of reconstructive optimism commence? Oh, come on-this is Israel! Of course it couldn't be that easy! (More...)
Presenting: The Madonna, Mark XII
Wow. I bow down before the queen of media spin self-promotion. She may not be able to act her way out of a speeding ticket. However, there's no denying which bitch is on top when it comes to packaging controversy for her own benefit. Just when you thought she was too old and weak for the game, out comes the Material Girl, rapping about her latte and pilates boy-scoping diva life. She won't snap America out of its war stupor and into sensibility. She'll make plenty of money pretending to, though. (More...)
About a week ago, the House of Representatives passed a measure that decrees a national day of praying and fasting to please God. At the time, I was offended by yet another wild opportunistic lurch aimed at making America a corporate theocracy. Swish in Herr Bush's exhortation that we pray to God for our troops' benefit and you've got one treacherous brew that lightens the soul while excusing the crimes. But now that our troops have gone ahead and slaughtered a van full of Iraqi children, perhaps a day of national penitence is in order. God's likely to be pissed about this. (More...)
Sometimes we have to see ugliness in order to appreciate the beauty. Or is it that only by seeing beauty can we know horror? (More...)
Whatever happened to Grrrrrl Power? Did I fall asleep one night and wake up to tractable Southern women in their pre-Civil War form? Back in the social corsets of submission, seen and not really heard? Dangling before us like sugarplums, delicious and ripe, but lacking any real substance? Thanks to the Dixie Chicks, all these questions have been answered in a most ominous fashion. (More...)
More Lard With My Coke, Please
The Good Rev lays down the nitty-gritty on high-fat diets and their effect on the WAR ON TERRORISM! (More...)
This thing passed through my inbox today and it got me to thinking: I wonder what would happen if we all forgot to pay our taxes... (More...)
I mixed up this concoction a few weeks ago and can't get it out of my mind. It's green and sweet and delicious and looks great in a clear sports bottle, which won't spill when you pass out on the lawn after drinking the entire bottle through a Crazystraw. (More...)
Ready to put some Ho-Fucking-Ho in the new airline travel recommendations set out by our ever-friendly and uber-paranoid Transportation Security Administration? (More...)
Last Minute Halloween Costume Ideas 2002
Beaujolais! Last-minute Halloween costume ideas from Mr. Bad! A last-minute column for the last-minute shopper! (More...)
Suru and I were at the local supermarket recently when we found ourselves in the booze isle, surrounded by rum. Banana rum, coconut rum, vanilla rum, unfiltered run, Jamaican rum, rum, rum, and more rum. We bought one of each and started experimenting... (More...)
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
Three Days and 25 Spocktails: A Cautionary Tale
Johnnie Royale picked me up from the dental surgery. I felt warm, safe, cradled in the anathesia's loving embrace. The pharmacy downstairs gave me a bottle of Vicodin and a few instructions: take it with food, don't mix with alcohol, don't operate heavy machinery. I put it in my pocket and we left. "Do you want to go home, or do you want to go to a bar?" asked Johnnie. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
The Liquidation of Hobo Junction
Albany, CA's homeless hooverville by the Bay, "Hobo Junction," is going to be torn down by The Man. Entrances are already being blocked off, and it's now difficult and dangerous to get there. Worse, these obstacles are making it hard to get to the nearby HORSE TRACK on foot. Local historian, Pao Tzu, has an overview of situation. (More...)
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
It's not like I have a heroin problem, see. I'm just a self-indulgent brat who likes to live beyond her means. When I zip down to my corner Money Mart for a little cash-till-payday loan, I'm really not planning to spend it on drugs. I'll spend it on sushi. Seventy bucks of interest for a two-week $400 loan is perfectly reasonable, if you really need that hamachi. (More...)
