Build Date: Wed Jan 28 23:20:28 2026 UTC
Cope or Die
-- Johnnie Royale
Laughable Technology
Technology created by marketing people or stupid engineers.
Pigdog Journal Articles
2023-03-28
This week engineers at Columbia University unveiled the world's nastiest-looking cheesecake. The engineers were very proud of their creation which used 3D-printing to squirt layers of goo into an approximately triangular shape that looks like something you will never willingly put into your mouth.
2021-09-05
The Airlander 10 aka "the flying bum", a hybrid helium airship built by Hybrid Air Vehicles in central England, will no longer schedule test flights when Jeff Bezos' Blue Origin Penis Rocket is shooting off.
2019-12-10
When Windows 7 reaches its end of life on January 14, 2020, only users that pay Microsoft Extra Money for Updates (EMU) will continue to receive security updates.
2011-04-18
The UK Ministry of Defence released classified documents about its nuclear submarines. The documents were requested under the British Freedom of Information Act. Any still-classified information in the documents was supposed to be redacted, except that the government official in charge of releasing the documents didn't grasp that changing the background color to black does not actually remove any of the redacted text.
2011-03-04
Microsoft finally admits it: Internet Explorer 6 is a shitty, shitty browser. According to the new Microsoft web site The Internet Explorer 6 Countdown: "Friends don't let friends use Internet Explorer 6. And neither should acquaintances. Educate others about moving off of Internet Explorer 6." By educate they mean "move to IE9", but why not give these poor IE6 users a real helping hand, and help move them to Firefox or Chrome?
2004-11-19
So this is a review about a disposable razor. I suppose long-time PDJ readers might find that a bit strange...but then again, given the complete lack of new content over the past couple of years, the PDJ really doesn't have any more long-term readers. Maybe we can fix that and maybe this review will be on the main page for two years. Who knows?
2003-01-26
Hey, DUMBASS! Yeah, YOU! The one who's still running MICROSOFT SOFTWARE! I'd like to PERSONALLY THANK YOU for FUCKING THE ENTIRE INTERNET with your SHITTY SQL SERVER that's opened up to the ENTIRE UNIVERSE. Thank you SO MUCH for SPEWING COMPRESSED UDP PACKETS of DUMBASS to every IP address on the planet. Way to go, HOTSHOT. I'll have you know that you've made it PRACTICALLY IMPOSSIBLE for me to DOWNLOAD CYBERPORN.
2002-07-26
Dr. Dick Wool, head of the University of Delaware's Affordable Composites from Renewable Sources program (ACRES), has produced a computer chip made from soybean resin and chicken feathers crafted into a composite material that looks and feels like silicon.
2002-06-10
2001-12-21
It's ugly and weird and I won't ever set foot in one again.
2001-12-17
As the fighting in Afghanistan ends this week, the French, in what I guess must be an attempt to restore some Gallic dignity have announced that the "pride" of their fleet, the nuclear powered aircraft carrier Charles de Gaulle will be sent to the Arabian Sea to "assist" the American fleet.
2001-06-27
In response to the geek media backlash, Microsoft seems to be backpedaling from its Smart Tag blitzkrieg of the Innurnet -- site maintainers can insert a meta tag at the top of their HTML to opt out.
2001-03-13
As a clueful systems administrator, part of my job is to keep the 3v1l hax0rs out of my network. In fact, that's the reason why I got this job in the first place -- everyone knows computer security is dead sexy. The chicks fall all over you.
2001-01-02
PeaceFire is hip! Check them the fuck out! Elude the brain cops and expand your mind.
2000-06-22
Won't the Ameager ever DIE???
2000-06-05
Oooh.... so there's a scary Gnutella worm out there giving nasty warning messages to Gnutella users. Eeeek! Scary virus like software makes me afraid to turn on my computer!
2000-05-25
"My name is Banks. Agent Banks.
"My body is only six inches wide, but my eerie pupil-less blue eyes were paid for by your tax dollars..."
2000-03-07
Gah, this is the MOST HORRIBLE idea I've ever HEARD of! As a professional journalist, I review thousands of the retarded and ass-picking ideas that are floated by shysters, thieves, and sociopaths who are trying to milk the Internet gold rush for a bit of filthy cash. Yet NONE of these ideas STINKS as bad as DIGISCENTS.COM. And YES, you can quote me on that.
2000-02-08
So DOS is like this TOTALLY CRAZY operating system, made by MICROSOFT of all people, and WHOA, apparently it was once the dominant OS on like ALMOST ALL COMPUTERS ANYWHERE! How did I miss out on DOS?
2000-01-28
It's the latest fad that's sweeping the programming community by storm! EXTREEM PROGRAMMING! Wee-haw! Let's all go SKY SURFING and write some CODE!
1999-12-14
FINALLY! The Catholic Church has recognized my leadership in the ecumenical world by granting me license to represent them on-line! My fabulous new catholic.org email address proves it!
1999-11-11
You've played Angband and Rouge and all those netty fantasy games, but check this out. Can you SELL your stuff on the open market? I'm not talking about to other MUD geeks for bits of virtual gold, but to REAL GEEKS for REAL MONEY. You can if you play Ultima Online or Everquest.
1999-11-11
Check out these freaks at Linux Mall! If you want a job with them (in a "simultaneously fun, laid back and high pressure mode,") you have to be some kind of WEIRDO who's not only not allowed to smoke or wear perfumes, but apparently not allowed to KNOW ANYBODY WHO SMOKES!
1999-10-28
Jeez, man. It's all about GIMMICKS in this big ol' crazy dot-com feverish world. But I got to say that I think WIMMIN'S SITES are, like, the weirdest gimmick of all.
1999-10-25
d00d!@ Rexx is the coolest thing ever! Write all your code in big REXX like you were a CONSULTANT at a BANK in 1988! Yay for REXX!
1999-10-21
Mr. Bad busts the Father of the Web over an egregious spelling mistake!
1999-09-13
OK, folks, I'm just really amazed that this needs to be said, but here it goes: nobody wants Sony minidiscs. They're useless little slabs of plastic and thin film. It's a stupid and proprietary storage medium and they just suck.
1999-08-26
Remember way back when Unisys started enforcing their LZW patent, and everyone said that if you used GIFs on your site you'd have to pay a fee? And how that was wrong, it was only people who had software that MADE or SHOWED GIFs who had to pay a fee? Well, NOT ANY MORE!
1999-08-15
After a five-year gap since the release of PC-DOS 7, IBM has announced the next release of the venerable Disk Operating System. These guys just don't know when to quit.
1999-07-28
So I always used to see these mimes hanging out at the ice cream parlor on Third and Market here in San Francisco. The'd be dressed in their black clothes and their white face makeup and they'd just sit around and make dramatic gestures and never say anything. Then someone told me that they were goths!
1999-07-18
So anyone who works in the techno-techno industry knows that Red Herring is not just a magazine and not just a Web site. It's an evil MIND-SAPPING RADIO STATION that sends waves of STUPID into the BRAINSTEMS of MARKETING PEOPLE everywhere. They MUST BE STOPPED!
1999-07-07
Scientists say that all of the search engines -- AltaVista, Google, Excite, etc., etc., -- have absolutely MISERABLE performance, and they are getting WORSE. Not a single engine has indexed more than 16% of the Web's estimated 800 million pages.
1999-07-06
Not "verbal" as in spoken, though. This guy has some interesting ideas on how to improve calculators.
1999-06-30
The American Computer Company produced a web page announcing its new Transfer Capacitor Storage Device that can store 90GB on a device the size of a poker chip. Unlike previous announcements that ACC has made, this one is ALMOST FREE of references to the Roswell saucer crash and alien technologies.
1999-06-29
You knew it was gonna happen sometime, didn't you? Slashdot.org has sold its community to the bucks boys for a mess of pottage. Har har har! The Dumb-Down Bundt continues its slimy slide!
1999-06-28
I was pretty surprised when someone told me that Electric Minds was still around and kicking. I mean, this seemed like a real DUMB IDEA in 1996 or whatever. Why are people still doing this?
1999-06-20
Ever try to make a commercial Web site? Then you know what kind of a royal PAIN IN THE ASS it is. You spend 20% of your time doing the real meat of the site, and 80% doing stupid BULLSHIT with JavaScript and frames and tables and this-doesn't-look-quite-right in Fuckhead Navisplorer four-dot-my-dot-ass. I HATE that!
1999-06-09
OK, I -KNOW- it's a totally evil privacy-invading brain sucker, but I LOVE this software. It's like MST3K for the WEB!
1999-06-04
Just in case you were wondering at what point the Hacker Revolution ended, man, it's officially OVER. Turn off the lights, sweep up the confetti, and shed a private tear over the dumbing down of Linux.
1998-11-09
So, I have to say the dumbest technology I've seen in a while is the "What's Related" doohickey on Netscape Navigator 4.5. If you don't use 4.5, here's the scoop: there's a little button on the address bar that says "What's Related". When you click on it, it pauses a sec, and then it shows you the titles of about 4-5 sites that are somehow "Related" to the site you're looking at.
Offsite links shared by staff writers
2025-09-15
2005-11-08
2004-02-01
2002-08-16
2001-06-29
Fat, middle-aged Freemasons with poor Photoshop skills wax mystical on software, sacrifice goat in hotel room.
2001-03-05
2001-02-07
At first I thought this site was going to be a cool paint fetish porn hole. But it turns out to be a way to make XML <gag /> that represents smileys <gag arity="double">.
2001-01-19
You give them your name, they bring you a fish. Or something. No, I'm not going to try it first. YOU try it.
2000-12-15
2000-10-27
2000-08-20
2000-07-21
2000-07-16
2000-07-08
2000-05-17
Robot Frank's page. As my friend April puts it, a kind of pre-futurama Bender in real life. Real Funny, though I'm not sure why.
2000-04-17
What's really important is how YOU feel, right? Use crazy imood.com to broadcast your miniscule variations in emotional stature to an unfeeling audience of millions.
2000-04-05
2000-04-01
2000-03-13
1999-11-08
1999-11-05
1999-10-20
OK, I guess this makes me a small person, but the word "referrer" is misspelled in the HTTP protocol. I know, that's picayune, but it's used EVERYWHERE. And it's misspelled. Fuck.
1999-10-06
Well, apparently Linux Sucks. At least, that's what Microsoft says, and why would they lie?
1999-08-29
1999-08-15
Check it out! It's a crazy neon light saber, just like from that movie, "Star Track!"
1999-08-11
1999-08-10
The folks at SRL are unable to find a venue for their performances. Could being total ASSHOLES have something to do with it? You decide. Har har har!
1999-08-07
BBC: 'Birth of a Cybernation' -- Yugoslavs have created a bizarre virtual country that will 'go live' Sept. 9th. Anyone can be a citizen, and a minister.
1999-07-15
1999-07-15
1999-07-13
1999-07-03
T O P S T O R I E S
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
Three Days and 25 Spocktails: A Cautionary Tale
Johnnie Royale picked me up from the dental surgery. I felt warm, safe, cradled in the anathesia's loving embrace. The pharmacy downstairs gave me a bottle of Vicodin and a few instructions: take it with food, don't mix with alcohol, don't operate heavy machinery. I put it in my pocket and we left. "Do you want to go home, or do you want to go to a bar?" asked Johnnie. (More...)
This was an old standby back in my poor college days. Back then the goal was to get butt fucking wasted for as little money as possible. The problem was we hated dirt cheap beer - and some weekends, even Henry's was far more lucre then we could scratch together. So we invented Red. (More...)
Another Spocktail from the beverage researchers at SMRL: Home of The Deathwave Bar & Grill! (More...)
A Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Liquor
Curled up cozy with a good book? All warm and snuggly and thinking about friends far away? So am I, reading the greatest story by the greatest writer -- when he suddenly starts waxing philosophical about liquor! (More...)
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
