Build Date: Wed Nov 26 05:30:12 2025 UTC
Would there be room for people as cynical as us amongst you warm-hearted individuals?
-- Lee
The Innocent San Francisco Mule
2000-05-27 10:41:30
Flesh and Abby have moved to an isolated rural location in the United States - equipped only with their sense of adventure. Recently they came down off the mountain briefly to file this report?
The area where I now reside is remote. In some cases, a maintained dirt road is considered a luxury. A trip to the local drinking establishment is an excursion that must be carefully planned. So you are left with only two alternatives: stock up well on supplies, or get to know your nearest neighbors really well and hope they consume as much as you do (if not more) and have rations to spare/share. In most cases, you end up doing both - stocking up, and then inviting like-minded folks from around the county to come over, have a few drinks, get naked and howl at the stars.
In doing this, we've found a nice tasty recipe that'll put hair on your back. We call it the "Johnny Royale Stopped In Customs & Given a Full Body Cavity Search Because Someone Called The Narcs & Said He Was Smuggling Three lbs. of Smack Into The Country" or it's short name:
The Innocent San Francisco Mule
Ingredients
Directions
Put measure into a chilled (important) tumbler with three ice cubes. Pour in ginger beer. Hit it with the lime juice. Drink.
Two to three of these will have you braying at the moon. But that's OK. Everyone else will be as well.
Warning: the next morning, you will feel like someone's shoved their entire arm up your rectum, and used your spinal cord as a bell rope.

T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Songs Of Love And Special Things
Well, dear reader, there's no denying it: Spring has sprung. The air is pungent with the fertile aroma of Romance. And you know what goes with Romance, don't you? That's right, Lover, porn. And not just any porn, but the kind you can sing along to. (More...)
The IBM Selectric Typewriter Changed My Life
I ran my hands lovingly across her frame, lightly brushing her metallic nipples with my fingers, admiring the shapes and the ways of her curves, the empathetic hum she produced as I had my way with her, the way she made it all seem so effortless and right... she didn't even seem to mind the way I roughly manipulated her knobs and tweaked her casing. She was extremely tolerant, for a typewriter. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
Alright kids, this is the column where you write in with the lurid details of your personal lives, and I put them on the Internet for everyone to snicker at. But also, I give you a free Tarot reading, so there's that. (More...)
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
It was early in May last year when I first heard about Spock Mountain Research Labs. I was working on a story about a Hungarian scientist's new approach to nucleopeptide synthesis when I got a call from my friend Albert. (More...)