Mr. Bad does it again! The long-awaited list of the world's funniest mandrill jokes! Collect them all!

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Q. How many mandrills does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Three. One to scream, one to have a big blue butt, and one to throw his poo at everybody. (HINT: The funny part is that the lightbulb doesn't even get screwed in! HAW HAW!)

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h r taffs walked into a bar, where he saw e.e. cummings, bell hooks, and john q. sensitive. They all beat him up and threw him out into the street to die. There, his body was gnawed upon by mandrills.

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An English mandrill, a Jewish mandrill, ex-President of the United States Richard Nixon and a Canadian mandrill are flying in an airplane when the intercom comes on. "This is your pilot," says the pilot. "We've had a big engine accident and the plane is going to crash. There are only two parachutes on the plane, and I'm taking off. Fuck you all." And then they can all see him eject, flipping them the bird.

Richard Nixon says, "We have to decide who gets the last parachute." Then he realizes that they are all just mandrills, so he takes it and leaves.

Then the English mandrill and the Jewish mandrill beat up the Canadian mandrill real bad.

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Here is a humorous mandrill porn song!

        
	THE SAFETY DANCE FOR MANDRILLS
	(Sung to the tune of "Safety Dance" by Canadian superstars Men
	 Without Hats)
 
	We can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind
	Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance
	Well they're no friends of mine
	(I say) We can go where we want to, 
	There's a place they'll never find
	And we can act like we come from out of this world
	Leave the real one far behind, 
	and we can dance. Like mandrills.
        
	Ah we can go when we want to, the night is young and so am I
	And we can dress real neat from our hats to our feet
	and surprise 'em with the mandrill cry
	(I say) We can act if want to, if we don't nobody will
	And you can act real rude and throw all your poo
	And I can have a big blue butt
        
	I say, we can dance, we can dance everything's out control
	We can dance, we can dance we're doing it pole to pole like mandrills.
	We can dance, we can dance everybody look at your porn
	We can dance, we can dance everybody's takin' the chance
	Safety dance
	Oh well the safety dance for mandrills... [repeat]
        
	We can dance if we want to, we've got all your life and mine
	As long as we abuse it, never gonna lose it
	Everything'll work out right for the mandrills
	I say, we can dance if we want to we can leave your friends behind
	Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance
	Well they're are no friends of mine
        
	I say, we can dance, we can dance the mandrills are out of control
	We can dance, we can dance we're doing it pole to pole
	We can dance, we can dance everybody look at your hands
	We can dance, we can dance h r taffs is takin' the chance
	Oh Well the safety dance for mandrills... [repeat]
        

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A mandrill goes to see his doctor, who is also a mandrill. The doctor mandrill says, "I have good news and I have bad news. Which do you want to hear first?" The other mandrill, the one who's not a doctor, just a mandrill, says, "Tell me the good news first."

"The good news is that you are a mandrill," says the doctor. Then they both scream and throw their poo around a lot for a while, kinda to celebrate and like that.

After a while, the other mandrill (non-doctor mandrill again) says, "Well, then, what is the bad news?"

The doctor mandrill says, "You have a big blue butt."

And the first mandrill says, "So do you!"

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A priest, a rabbi, ex-President of the United States Richard Nixon and a mandrill are playing golf. The rabbi's not playing so good, so the priest thinks maybe he can take him for a little cash.

"Rabbi, let's make this game a little more interesting," says the priest. "For each point above par I make, I will give you five dollars. For each point below par, you give *ME* five dollars. But if we BOTH go below par, then you give me a BLOW JOB."

The rabbi looks at the priest like he's crazy. He's totally flabbergasted. Finally he asks, "You want to make the game more INTERESTING? What's the MATTER with you? We're playing fucking GOLF with ex-President RICHARD NIXON and a MANDRILL, man!"

Then they both look over at the mandrill, who's jumping up and down on his golf bag and screaming and throwing poo at Richard Nixon. Richard Nixon is, like, waving his hands in the air and yelling, "Help! Help!" and running around in circles trying not to get hit by mandrill poo.

"OK, I guess you're right," says the priest. "But I sure could use a blow job."

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dunsmuir@pigdog.org