Build Date: Tue Jan 20 20:30:27 2026 UTC
What? Now I need a REASON to yell at people?
-- Tjames Madison
Spock's Balls
1999-10-16 18:11:59
Hooray! At long last, a NEW Spocktail of the Week! Kid-tested, mother-approved!
The magic of this spocktail is that repeated use leaves you in a state of STINKING DRUNKITUDE that you are physically incapable of sleeping off. The delicious spliciness of the ginger beer combines with the herbal blechiness of the smart drugs to ward off the faint of heart from this robust and adventurous spocktail.
The name originates in the fact that the ginger beer brand sounds an awful lot like "Cock and Balls" to folks who like to snigger about that kind of thing. PLUS! the near-hallucinatory effect is reminiscent of a 2-ton wrecking ball arcing at high speed through the mossy brick wall of your brain. PLUS! I like to name things after Spock.
I first had a Spock's Balls with Flesh and Johnny Royale at a warehouse party in San Pedro in 1994. We were hunkered down in the foreman's tiny office up on the catwalk, trying to get the hell out. In an irrational fit of pique, Johnny had used a gigantic portable hand drill on a Barracuda belonging to some Samoans that had cut us off in the parking lot. I was worried somewhat about the obese, flower-shirted Polynesians lumbering about like postmodern Gypsy bears in the flashing lights below, Xed out of their woolly gourds. They didn't seem to know yet about the violation of their machine, but they were still evincing aggressive behavior, such as ramming their heads through the corrugated aluminum walls of the warehouse. I was nervous.
Flesh mixed up 2 rounds of Spock's Balls while we tried to think. Johnny pointed out that we could climb up one more level of catwalks and leave through a skylight in the roof. Spock's Balls lower your inhibitions for such reckless schemes, but the drink also inhibits your gross motor capacity for executing them. I still have a really bad limp from the fall, and only two toes on my left foot. A Samoan drove me cheerfully to the hospital in his maimed convertible, gleefully burbling about the 18 months he lived in Ibiza. I didn't put forward any theories about who had fucked with his car.
Enjoy!
Spock's Balls
- 4 oz. Cock 'n Bull (TM) brand splicy ginger beer
- 2 oz. Everclear grain alcohol
- 1 capsule Metabolift (TM) brand trucker speed
Chill the Everclear in a highball glass 1/4-filled with ice. Add the ginger beer. Carefully open the Metabolift (TM) capsule and empty the powder into the drink (a Leatherman can be helpful in extracting the Metabolift if it is dryish and sticks to the gel cap). Stir carefully and serve.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Australian Troops Set for Days of Debauchery to the Tunes of Kylie Minogue
This weekend Australian troops in East Timor will be able to put their feet up and push all the images of mass graves and charred remains from their minds as they relax to the giddy melodies of Kylie Minogue - including exclusive unplugged performances in the militia-ravaged and blood-spattered border towns of Balibo and Suai. (More...)
The Liquidation of Hobo Junction
Albany, CA's homeless hooverville by the Bay, "Hobo Junction," is going to be torn down by The Man. Entrances are already being blocked off, and it's now difficult and dangerous to get there. Worse, these obstacles are making it hard to get to the nearby HORSE TRACK on foot. Local historian, Pao Tzu, has an overview of situation. (More...)
We here at Spock Mountain Research Labs (SMRL - world leaders in beverage research and leisure technology) have been noting some complaints about a few of the last Spocktails recipes we’ve released to the general public. Some complaints received to barfback and pigdog-l have centered around the opinion that no one in their right minds would make the drink in question much less consume it. (More...)
Robert Helms makes a living volunteering for medical experiments. Though Helms — and almost all guinea pigs — get paid for their participation in medical trials, they are still "volunteers" according to a byzantine legal code. They are compensated for their time, not paid to ingest medicine. He and "guinea pigs" like him have learned the intimate art of taking catheters in their veins, tubes in their intestines, EKG electrodes on their nipples. (More...)
NASA's Mars missions keep blowing up and crashing, but dammit, when you reach for the stars you have to expect a few minor setbacks. Drink a toast to the men and women of NASA! Toast them with a Lost Probe mixed up with your own two (or three) hands! (More...)
It's winter in Idaho, and Boise personality "Lego-Man" reports on how he celebrated Thanksgiving. "I fed my wife, mother and sister wine slurpies!" (More...)
