Build Date: Thu Mar 28 21:50:08 2024 UTC
i am actually worried that somehow i've accidentally had test-tube babies with people i am possibly genetically RELATED to. hypothetically, would this be a problem?
-- rotten elf
Hail the Acadian!
2000-04-21 14:10:42
The quest for knowledge never ends at the super top secret Spock Mountain Laboratory, although it is frequently interrupted by beverage breaks. Recently, a team of crack ethnomixologists returned from a dangerous expedition to the frozen expanse of Canada with the much sought recipe for a Spocktail that is destined to replace blunt force head trauma as the major cause of brain damage in the civilized world.
I am speaking, of course, of the legendary 'Acadian'. This nasty little blend of bufotenine and alcohol will make you hallucinate, twitch, and foam at the mouth. The origins of this concoction are shrouded in legend, but appear to be linked to the peculiar alien abduction phenomenon in Atlantic Canada.
The story goes like this: some time in late 1979, 3 brothers from Newfoundland grew weary of imbibing huge quantities of Newfie Screech, kissing the cod, and then beating each other senseless with the empty bottles. In the very depths of this alcoholic ennui, one of the brothers hit upon the idea of combining the Newfie Screech with the skin of the cane toad (the details are hazy, but there seems to have been some sort of epiphany along the lines of the much vaunted "you got peanut butter on my chocolate").
The 3 brothers quaffed a prodigious quantity of the brew and then began hallucinating and foaming at the mouth like rabid Labrador Retrievers. They proceeded to drive to the airport where they located the first small foreigner with a funny accent that they could find, and put the protesting and terrified traveller in the trunk of their Chevy. They drove to an isolated spot, and then forced a funnel into the mouth of the alien abductee and dosed him with their vile cocktail.
Within a short time he was raving and hallucinating, so they let him drive. When they were inevitably stopped by the local constabulary, the alien was hauled off to jail on various and sundry charges and the 3 brothers were cautioned to "go home and sleep it off, eh". The alien awoke in a holding cell two days later, pallid and twitching in a pool of his own sticky vomit, and unable to account for several days of 'missing time'.
Thus were the Acadian Cocktail and the sport of Alien Abduction delivered into the unsuspecting world like dark, demented twins. Cheers!
The Acadian
Ingredients:
Directions:
Kill and skin the toads, in that order. Boil the skins and reduce until you are left with a paste. Allow the paste to dry to a powder.
Place the powdered toad skin in the bottom of the glass. Pour the Newfie Screech on top and stir. Add the Tabasco sauce. Hold your nose and pound 'er back in a single gulp -- trust me, this is not a drink you want to savor.
T O P S T O R I E S
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
Gary Busey definitely involved in a hit and run accident
Gary Busey was definitely involved in a hit-and-run accident, but won't face any charges because he's rich and famous. (More...)
Gary Busey allegedly involved in Malibu hit-and-run
"Sir! You hit my car! I need your information!" the woman yelled at Gary Busey driving a battered Volvo station wagon before he sped off. (More...)
Health and Human Services officials spend a year on pot
After a yearlong, comprehensive, thorough, complete investigation into the effects of marijuana usage, Health and Human Services (HHS) officials recommended that it be moved from Schedule I of the Controlled Substances Act to Schedule III, meaning that the HHS no longer considers cannabis to be a drug with high abuse potential and no medical value. (More...)
If you've ever wondered what actual bullshit looks like, just check the back side of Lee Meyers' decommissioned police cruiser. Lee chopped the top of the passenger side of the car off so he could take his full-grown Watusi bull, named Howdy Doody, for joy rides around his home town of Neligh, Nebraska. Since the car doesn't have bathroom facilities Howdy Doody just craps all over the back and side of the car whenever he feels the need to let one go. (More...)
Self-righteous assholes block highway to Burning Man
A group of self-righteous assholes converted exactly zero people to their cause by blocking the highway to Burning Man this week. The group, which used a flimsy trailer, some lengths of chain, and a few folding chairs to block the road, put up signs including "Burners of the World Unite," but none of the burners stopped in traffic wanted to unite with them for anything. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
A Treatise Prepared for the Gallup Organization on the Symbolism of the Scarab
Well dahlings, the response to my new tarot column has been quite overwhelming. I got three whole pieces of mail requesting my arcane insight. One asked why blogs suck so much, and one was a completely incomprehensible tale of bears shitting random numbers in the woods — I am fairly certain it was a cryptographic allegory. Howsomever, only ONE of the inquiries was accompanied by a crisp ten-dollar bill, and so it's the Gallup Organization that will this week reap the benefit of my wicked pack of cards. (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
First there was the Bloody Mary: Vodka, Tomato Juice, Worcestershire sauce, some spices, and celery. We drank it, and it was good. Then any drink with tomato juice got a prefix of "bloody" attached to it. We drank them, and they were mostly bad. Now Pigdog gets back to basics and introduces The Bloody Dog, a drink with REAL BLOOD in it. HUMAN BLOOD. (More...)
Spock Went, Spock Wrote, Spock Kicked Ass
Every Labor Day weekend a large portion of the PDJ staff joins 30,000 other freaks at one of the biggest and strangest art festivals in the world - Burning Man - somewhere on the edge of the Black Rock Desert. Our base of operations is always the ultra swank Spock Mountain Research Labs - the World Leaders in Beverage Science and Leisure Technology. This year, we hauled up our computers, printers and a massive digital duplicator, determined to become Black Rock City's third daily newspaper. Even Spock was surprised by our success - news will never be viewed the same on the playa. Read all seven issues of the 2002 Spock Science Monitor for yourself and see why. (More...)
The Ancient and Correct Sake Ceremony
Many Americans have learned to appreciate the delicate, sophisticated flavors of Japanese food and drink, along with the beautifully refined rituals of Japanese dining. San Francisco, as a gateway between East and West, has especially benefited from the flowering of Eastern consciousness in America. It is hardly possible to walk down the street without stepping on somebody's sushi. (More...)