Build Date: Fri Aug 29 23:00:18 2025 UTC
i should probably reiterate that this whole thing is probably a delusion. if it continues in my head i may write a spy novel.
-- Sylvia
Cyberbilly Thanksgiving Traditions
1999-11-24 21:00:39
Gluttony, family infighting, and monumental sloth -- these are all traditional Thanksgiving values that the cyberbillies of Spock Mountain Research Labs hold dear to our hearts. We hope you, too, will share these heartwarming cyberbilly Thanksgiving traditions. Think of it as Martha Stewart gone horribly, horribly wrong.
- Genetically-enhanced Cy-bur-Turkee (TM) with multi-faceted insect eyes, 8 drumsticks/tentacles and a built-in video screen to see if the stuffing's cooked
- Sqrat races
- Watching 8 hours of Hillbilly Robot MegaFootball on the wide-screen hologram TV
- pumpkin-flavored martinis
- Bonghits in the bathroom with your cousins just before dinner
- "Turkey day" MST3K marathon on Comedy Central
- Cranberry-yage sauce
- Keeping warm and cozy by Burning All GIFs
- Bobbing for smart drugs
- Emailing virus-laden "Hapy Thanksgiving!" animations to clueless Windows users
- Toasting marshmallows on the Tesla coil
- Squash lager
- Sam Donaldson's Thanksgiving Sing-A-Long Holiday Banjo album
- Sweet potatoes glazed with molasses and trucker speed
- Ritual vomiting-for-distance onto cloying Norman Rockwell prints
- Listening to Uncle Jake's drunken rambling stories about eating 30 lbs. of raw bear meat on Thanksgiving of '08
- Pilgrims-and-Indians porn
- Mashed Spock-a-tatoes and Hyperwhiskey gravy
- The traditional cyberbilly grace prayer: "Good food/Good meat/Good God/It's MOVING!!! That damn thing's STILL ALIVE! Boys, get my LASER RIFLE, and QUICK!"
- A hangover as big as all outdoors
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
It was early in May last year when I first heard about Spock Mountain Research Labs. I was working on a story about a Hungarian scientist's new approach to nucleopeptide synthesis when I got a call from my friend Albert. (More...)
Grow better illegal mushrooms than lousy "Psilocybe fanaticus"
Disclaimer: PaoTzu's a1 illegal mushroom cultivation cookbook is meant for educational purposes only. Be aware of the techniques used by hardcore criminals! Protect your children! Read, learn, educate. Do not try this at home. (More...)
Pao Tzu: Obtaining San Pedro Cactus
Horticultural clone master, Pao Tzu, guides you through the ins and outs of stealing hallucinogenic cacti from your neighbors' yards. Ooh la la! (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
A Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Liquor
Curled up cozy with a good book? All warm and snuggly and thinking about friends far away? So am I, reading the greatest story by the greatest writer -- when he suddenly starts waxing philosophical about liquor! (More...)
On a hot spring night after dinner and before the night's serious drinking begins, a Romulan Highball really hits the spot. (More...)
