Build Date: Tue Apr 23 17:00:13 2024 UTC

Not buying it. Very sloppy. Extremely relaxed thinking.
-- Tjames



Angel to some, demon to others.

Pigdog Journal Articles


Eat a bowl of fuck!
Once upon a time, I worked across the street from a "special education" school.


Dick-Swinging Alex Jones Gets His Pee Pee Wacked
Noted human pond scum and cowardly little bully, Alex Jones, didn't get the results he was hoping for, in the highest court of the land.


Christopher Walken Dance Now
Christoper Walken has the MOVES.


Sing Us This Song, Piano Man
A better retirement idea for William Martin Joel.


Rock & Roll Grandma in a Solo Cup
Have you ever wanted to dose your grandmother? Ever wonder what would happen?


AT&T Attempts To Muscle In On Bell Labs
Stumbling on the heels of Bell Labs, AT&T is now trying their hands at cutting edge text- to-voice. Too bad it sucks.


I Am So Outta Here
So that killer job you took with that up-and-coming dot com has turned into a luxury seat on the titanic, and it’s now time to grab a lifeboat off. How about a tool to write & deliver your resignation letter as you’re walking out the door?


Panic In Portland City
It’s election night. My wife and I are holed-up in this hotel that my political party has rented out for the evening. Outside, people are being violently beaten for whom they voted for. Is this South Africa? Perhaps we’re in Haiti or some Southern state during the 60’s. Of all the places where this sort of thing happens, it’s mind-boggling that we are in Portland, Maine.


Brother Wayne Lays Down the Truth
Flesh interviews Wayne Kramer of MC5.


Larry Flynt Takes on George Bush
We all know about soon-to-be-president Bush's coke-snorting, drunken, frat-boy past. But Larry Flynt, a man not afraid to get down into the cesspool and pull up skeletons buried Mafia-style has some new evidence.


What's For Lunch At Cafe Columbine?
It was only a matter of time. The infamous Columbine High School cafeteria closed-circuit videotape has found it's way onto the Internet, despite the objections and pleas of the families of the victims, to feed your unquenchable morbid curiosity.


Get in Touch with Your Anger
Who is America’s greatest writer? Is it Hunter Thompson? Mark Twain? How about Ed Anger?


The October Suprise Revealed
We've waited on the edges of our seats for the so-called "October Suprise" to be revealed in this election year. What would it be? Where would it come from? Well, the waiting is finally over, and you won't believe what it is!


Enormous Expanded Raccoon Testicles: Oh My!
This could only come from the land of the rising sun- a commercial advertising the services of a construction company, featuring a little red riding hood theme. So what's so strange about that? How about dancing forest animals with oversized testicles and mammary glands.


Daddy, Can We Have More Kool Aid?
When it comes to Beverage Research, we always advise our readers to leave this area to the professionals (specifically, us). Here’s why.


The Man With The Golden Tongue
In Montana, a Florida man pleaded guilty posing as a gynecological doctor. As Pigdog readers know, this isn't too out of the ordinary. In one instance, a man operated his "practice" out of the bathroom of a local fast-food joint. This one, however, is quite different.


Get On The Bus!
Thinking about moving to Silly-con valley in order to become an overnight millionaire? Think again.


The Return of Prince?
It's obvious to most of the population on the planet that the man once known as Prince has for many years now, been, in polite terms, wackier than a Jerry Lewis/Dean Martin movie (just not as funny). I all but quit listening to the man after he released Around the World in a Day. I became convinced he should be commited when he changed his name to an unreferenced symbol. But he's a married man now, and the possibility that his wife has bitch-slapped some sense into the purple one is begining to show.


Woman Who Framed Jim Goad is Behind Bars- For Assault
In a fateful, but not totally unexpected twist of events, Ann "Sky" Ryan has been jailed for assault.


I Am Not Canadian!
By now, everyone and their younger brother have either seen or heard about the infamous and misleading “I Am Canadian” ad put out by the Molson Piss-Water Company. It’s now time that the public know the truth.


The Mastered Puppets
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on...


The Innocent San Francisco Mule
Flesh and Abby have moved to an isolated rural location in the United States - equipped only with their sense of adventure. Recently they came down off the mountain briefly to file this report?


Life on The I-80
Our team of crack journalists went insane, and made the drive from Concord, California to Concord, New Hasmpshire on Interstate 80. Read the insightful observations of our intrepid travelers made on their journey into the heartland.


What The Hell is This?
This week, Mr. Bad is taking some time off as he undergoes a radical new operation: having a second liver installed. Mr. Bad's List will feature guest writers Flesh & Abby…


Be Ye Carefule Among The English Links, Jebadiah.
We've all seen the joke Amish web sites around on the web. But get this, there's a now a real Amish site just a URL away.


Take, Eat. For This is My Body.
I've always said that if you scratch the surface of a rabid vegan, you'll be certain to find a religious nutcase micrometers below the surface. Now, thanks to the heavily delusional freaks at PETA, we no longer need to do that.


Metallica To Fans- Fuck You!
It should come as no surprise to anyone. But in case you haven't heard the news, former Heavy Metal ass-kickers and current sellout kings, Metallica is suing Napster.


Wizards & Bears & Crazy Hillbillies In Hotrods, Oh My!
Spring is finally here, and pretty soon, if not already you and thousands of other Pigdog readers will be packing up, and heading out on vacation. But where to go? How about a vacation that includes being chased by a crazy hillbilly in a rusty hotrod, armed with a machinegun?


Swing Heil
During their reign of terror & power, the Nazis set about to purge Germany of all, "corrupted" and "degenerate" forms of culture. Now, several generations later, modern-day purveyors of hate have embraced the very things that those before them wanted to destroy.


I ain't bluffing, thank your lucky stars for the Great White Death.
Ever wonder what the sound of your Dad shattering your mom's jaw with an axe-handle would sound like if put to music? Wonder no more.


Nazism is alive and well in North Carolina
Just when you thought the witch-hunt tactics employed by Joseph McCarthy were an ugly thing of the past, W.A.V.E. wants to burn all deeply held true American values, and introduce values that only the SS would approve of.


They're hot, horny, incarcerated, and waiting for you!
What a bind you are in. The cold images on your computer's cathode-ray tube just won't cut it anymore. You need the warmth of a real female. But where can you find one? Ever try jail?


Time To Kick Up a Shitstorm!
Howdy. Want t'hear some fine ass-kickin' Country music?


Give Them The (rotting) Finger!
As April Fools day approaches, many people will be wondering what kind of original and outrageous prank they can pull that will push the envelope so far, no one will be able to top it for years. Take our advice, nothing beats a prank that involves a decomposing human corpse


Let's See Him Get Out of This One
Canadian Magician and Servant of Satan Doug Henning is now attempting an ancient escape act so unique and dangerous that only one other performer has successfully succeeded in performing it over 2000 years ago!


R.U. Sirius May Not Be Getting It, But Joe Gardiner Certainly Is
People often ask "What type of material do you read when you aren't online?" It would be really easy to mention anything found in the literature section of the local bookstore or by obscure authors like Kenneth Patchen. But why bother? It's boring, and you'll get that same answer from hundreds of other people. Rather than that, wouldn't you rather read about something you won't find Barnes and Noble?


Zdravstvuite! Menia Zovut Stumpy
What could be better than a porn-quality Russian Mail-order bride? A porn-quality Russian Mail-order bride with no limbs!


The Snakefighter is Cast Into The Pit of Cobras
The Presidential race is on! And so far leading the pack we have a coke-snorting alcoholic fratboy, a boring pro-censorship hick, a former Nixon aid that admires Hitler, and some pot-smoking Libertarian that no one cares about. I don't know about you, but the choices leave a taste in my mouth that can only be compared to having to choose between drinking sour milk or fermented piss. Who can you cast your vote FOR?


Punk Is Dead
When Republican Presidential Candidates start crowd surfing or diving into a mosh pit, it's time to close up shop.


When Animal Breeding Goes Horribly Wrong
What's a poor rural hick to do for entertainment, now that cow tipping has gone out of style? May we suggest Goat Yelling?


Put the "Life" Back in SF "Nightlife"
The Man is putting the hurting on San Francisco clubs, but some people are fighting back. Beajolais! Flesh interviews Leslie Ayers of the San Francisco Late Night Coalition.


Back to Business as Usual
On January 9th, 2000, everyone's favorite politician, Mayor McHat, was sworn in for a second term. In his speech, Willie promised that he would "listen". And true to his word, Da Mayor did listen. How long he listened is another matter. It's clear he isn't listening now. Especially when it comes to the issue of San Francisco nightlife.


You're in Advertising? Kill Yourself!
The only people on the planet who like advertisements are either marketing rodents, or the people who pay the creatures slightly below Rattus Norvegicus for their commercials. And it's an unfortunate fact that the only way to escape the continuous bombardment of various degrees of sales hawking, is to either destroy the advertising, or the medium in which the offensive advertising is being delivered. And while taking a chainsaw to billboards is admirable to the point of encouragement, it's not very realistic. So what can you do lighten the carpet-bombing intensity of the hucksters in your life?


Highway to Hell
Now that we've passed into the year 2000 without the world ending, a lot of doom -preaching con-artists will find their mislead flocks dissipating. What scapegoat do you think they'll be using to bring new suckers into their clutches?


Texas is The Reason
The tale you are about to read will shock and horrify you. It is a story of a person intentionally running over another person with a two-ton Caddy, in cold blood, in front of dozen's of witnesses. The fact that this is a true story is bad enough. What will curdle your blood is that it gets far worse.


The Prophet of Doom is Eaten by His Young
Let me make myself as perfectly clear as freshly-blown glass: Gary North is a con artist with a evil black vulture soul that feeds on the brain cells of humanity that have been killed off by ignorance. And in just a few days, he will be exposed for the slick huckster that he is.


Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness.


Wish I Could Have Done This When I Was Seventeen
I feel so damn old today after reading the news. Not because of any of the usual things that I hear out of my peer's mouths, but because of what happened at Columbine High School this week.


Happy Birthday Bill
Today marks the birth date of the late great Bill Hicks. Had he lived, he would have been 38. To mark this occasion Hicks' partner-in-crime, Kevin Booth has paid tribute to his fallen friend, with a broadcast of the set that made David Letterman cower in fear.


The Return of God's Comic
Bill Hicks is back from the grave, well rested, and he's going to eat Dennis Leary's thieving heart right in front of him. Well, not really. But he has been restored, and Leary will be quietly weeping when he realizes he's about to be exposed for the unoriginal parasitic vampire that he is.


Aw Fuck. It's That Time Of The Year Again
Once again, you've found yourself with a holiday shopping list a mile long. You have no idea what to get for anyone, and all the stores are packed with shoppers with a staving piranha mindset! May we suggest that you let The Stranger be your guide?


Sunday Bests Fer Cyberbillies
Yall liss'n here. evary now an' then a true cyberbilly will havta atten' an occasion in his best clothes. summa these events will requar wearin a tie. So what kin' of tie will say "I'm a cyberbilly an' proud of it"? One covard in infectious diseases! Ya reckon?


Place Your Head Here. The Jackboot Will Be Along Shortly
If we believe the various panic groups, the world is a dangerous place to be in, and we need better protection. So dangerous, are these criminals that a system has been devised to catch criminals BEFORE they've actually committed any kind of criminal activity. Well, they now have. Welcome to the dawning of the age of thought crime.


Newsflash! The Earth Revolves!
May years ago, you were assured that when you read a copy of The Washington Post, you could expect some of the finest reporting in the world. Unfortunately, the paper fucked with Dick Nixon. Nixon, after being squashed like a bug, used his last remaining trump card, and ordered that the fumes for a nearby petrochemical plant be pumped directly into the vent system of the Post, rendering all staff and reporters highly brain damaged. So you have to cut them a little slack when they report what they think is groundbreaking, but the rest of us have known for decades.


You're Pumping What Up Their Asses?
You see these fuckers just about everywhere. Bubbling cauldrons of unchecked happiness and optimism, without a drop of reality in sight. It's enough to make want to push them over the guardrail of an overpass into the path of a speeding semi. But before you risk going to death row (sent there by people who won't understand that this person just had to die) may we suggest using some the products manufactured by Despair instead?


Rock is Dead
It was a sad day in Rock and Roll history today. Not only did the Rock Roll Tourist Trap er, Hall of Fame induct a most unworthy Bonnie Rait & James Taylor into their ranks, but it gets much worse.


Acid Tripping with Buffalo Bones
Before the Internet Revolution first exploded into the mainstream public, there were BBS systems. You will rarely hear about or see them anymore. Easy Internet access all but led to the extinction of this form of communication. The smart ones evolved and thrived. Now, some systems are returning to the graves of their predecessors to reminisce and re-unite.


It's Because Your Music Sucks.
I love It's given me a doorway to hear new artists that I would normally never hear. Unfortunately, it's also exposed me to a lot of things that would best be left unrecorded. But that goes with the territory. Enter Dana Woodaman. A self-important musician from Oregon who would like you to believe that the reason his CD's aren't selling has nothing to do with the music.


Tim Burton Uses Christopher Walken to Scare Up Audiences
Tim Burton found himself in a bit of a situation. It seems that no actor in hollywood wanted to take the role of of the Headless Horseman, because of the obvious lack of visage. Who did they call? Christopher Walken!


One of the more popular sites on the Internet deals with tube-topped women (or their boyfriends) attempting to flash the camera that takes a picture of the horrified looks of people as they begin the descent to the final leg of Splash Mountain at Disneyland. Occasionally, a photo will make it past the ever-vigilant eyes of the photo operator, or some sneaky employee will smuggle a still out. At first, this is kinda cool. But now it's moved from boring (everyone is doing it, on anything with a camera) to downright creepy. There must be something else that people can do, right?


A Taste of Long Beach
If you say "Long Beach" to people in California, you'll probably get a response similar to if you were to say "Hey what's with all the dogshit on your face?" But most people don't know that this rough-and-tumble working-class town has given the world one of the all-time greatest foods known: The Long Beach Chili Cheese Fries.


The Final Frontier
Everyone has seen the movie 'Reefer Madness' by now, and is familiar with how it's intention backfired, to become a cult drug movie classic. Since then, there have been other attempts to hit on something that grabs the youth of America's imagination so that they'll stay away from the evil drugs (until they're 21, then they can have as much government-approved drugs as they want). So far they have only served to be turned around, twisted or completely ignored. Now, we have one that will backfire so quickly, people will think a sonic boom happened in the middle of their city.


Those Who Do Not Learn From The Past. . .
I always get a kick out of all the suckers that have bought into the whole Burning Man idea, that they'll buy everything about it hook, line, and sinker. Especially those who think that Burning Man is a new & original idea. Sorry to burst your bubble, but it isn't.


It's What's For Dinner!
I like beef. Everyone likes Beef. As a matter of fact, there's nothing in the world like sitting down to a well-prepared double cheeseburger with a side of fries. But sometimes, you just don't have the time for such a meal. Wouldn't it be great if someone combined the two?


It's the Radiskull & Devildoll Show!
Let's face it: Shockwave for the most part is a waste of time and technology. But every now and then, someone (like the folks programming in all the old classic arcade games) figures out a fantastic use for it. This is one of them.


Now Here's An Idea To Get Behind
Regular Pigdog readers will recall that last year, an article was published here that managed to turn Adbusters into mortal enemies. The article in question dared to take their (possibly stolen) holy cow, "Buy Nothing Day", and grind it up into delicious hamburger. It's a pleasure to have recently discovered that the feelings of despise for this feel-good circle-jerk are spreading like wildfire.


Goddamn Hippies!
More and more people are leaving their cars at home, and are re-discovering the joys of biking. You would think that the back-to-nature hippies would be doing cartwheels over this. But no! Now they want the bike to be as natural as possible. They want them to be made out of wood!


We Scooped The Media Again!
We at Pigdog pride ourselves on being so far ahead of the mainstream media in our reporting that it can be weeks before they catch up to us, like an asthmatic fat kid being forced to run a mile in too-tight shorts. And yet again, we find ourselves throwing yet another laurel onto the ever-growing pile that we might just rest on someday.


The Millennium Falcon
We here in SMRL's Beverage Research Lab realize that there is more to life than just drinking spocktails. It's important to have other activities. One such activity that we wholeheartedly support is dancing six or more hours to Trance music. So we have designed a drink to accommodate this.


Keeping it in The Family
A few years ago, a bizarre movie called 'Spanking the Monkey' was released onto an unsuspecting and stunned movie-going public. It's a Pigdog favorite. If you haven't seen it the plot deals with a son's incestuous relationship with his mother. Guess what kids? The events really happened.


Drug Free since 1974? Yeah, Riiiiiiiiiight.
George W Bush is nothing more than a privileged, coke hound from Texas. He oozes so much slime, that you would think you were in the presence of Cthulhu. Bush and his followers (all of them worshipers of Nyarlothep) thought they would be sneaky by buying up any and all possible anti-bush domain names ( for example). But guess what? They overlooked the most important one


Dick is Popping up Again
Sure, Dick is gone, but you can still kick him around.


You've Got Questions
We admit it. We don't know everything. We'd like to, but Allah has yet to see fit to reach down and whack us with the staff of knowledge. So, where do we go when we have a question? We go where every leader of the United States of America goes.


This is NOT Jenni
Like everyone else on the planet, I've looked at The Jenni show web site, and have been bored silly by it. She doesn't do anything I can relate to. Oh, look at Jenni read a book! Look she's naked and appears to be masturbating. Big whoop. I want to see things I can relate to. Finally, there's a web site featuring things I can


Could We Get One in Human Size?
The British have come up with a way to get rid of slugs. This crazy limeys has built this machine that hunts down and kills slugs. So what makes this better than a tin of beer? It runs of the power it generates through the decay of its victims!


Yellow Journalism Is Alive & Kicking in PA
Everyone who participated was in agreement. The cops, the promoters, the audience, and even the people arrested. Everyone, that is, with the exception of Nicole Weisensee or the Philadelphia Daily News. But hey, why should she let the truth get in the way of some creative writing?


A Killer Meal (Literally)
It is well known. You cannot drink your way through life (though, believe me, we here in SMRL's Beverage Research Center have tried many times). You must eat sooner or later. And what you eat will play a great factor in your ability to KEEP MOVING.


Officer Friendly Howls in Frustration
I make no bones about it: I hate cops. In my entire life, I've only met two cops that I consider to be shinning examples of being a peace officer. The rest I consider to be nothing more than uniformed thugs with guns. They exist within their own social circle with little to no contact with anyone who isn't a cop. They behave as if anyone who isn't a cop is considered a subhuman form of life to be looked down upon and herded like sick cattle. I'm certainly not the only person that feels this way about cops.


Bill Lee Lives In The Machine
Beat artist Byron Gysin correctly observed that writing is years behind painting, when it comes to expressing human emotion and experience. Very little writing really can really capture a moment like painting does. Lovecraft knew this. Bangs knew this. And William S Burroughs especially knew this. And together with Gysin, they created a new tool for the modern writer and journalist- the cutup.


It Ain't Over Till Someone Gets Gooey
Because the chances of having unprotected sex can mean killing yourself, it has become necessary to protect one's self from someone else's goo. And in a good demonstration of cause and effect, we now see different fetishes on the rise. At the top of the list are cream pies.


Wanna Play Quake For Real?
Spock Mountain Research Labs strives to bring you the best in modern hillbilly technology. But even we realize that you have to get out of the house now and then. And what better of a reason, than a chance to play Quake for real?


Dry spells no more!
We've all had those times where a certain substance is needed for one reason or another, but none can be found. Now, thanks to The Internet and some very enterprising entrepreneurs in a European country, all dry spells are a thing of the past!


A glimmer of Light Shines in The Cold World
Try to imagine this: six million people around the globe. All dancing to the same music, all getting along, all happy, and all for a good cause. Impossible you say? Read on.


Brainwash With A Firehose
Another Spocktail from the beverage researchers at SMRL: Home of The Deathwave Bar & Grill!


The Beast Commeth- And He Is Us
Let him who has understanding reckon the number of the beast, for it is a human number, its number is 5,878,155.


Does your mother know?
Pop quiz: You're at a party, and some hottie comes on to you. And you are in the mood to the horizontal bop as they are. But they look rather young, so you ask them how old the are. As it turns out, they're under the age of 18. What do you do?


The Dust is Watching Me!
You hear them on the streets shouting that the CIA is watching them via means that most people would think rather insane. Well guess what Bucky, here's one that's true.


Primetime Jake
Hollywood finally recognizes the boundless talents of Jake Busey, by giving him a cutting edge TV show.


And the one that mother gives you....
In this day and age, it's really easy to get burned when buying drugs, both figuratively and literally. Most people know that you don't buy drugs off the street, or from someone who will only let you look at the merchandise in a dark place. But what can you do if even under the best light, and sitting in someone's living room you are not able to identify a potential burn (such as buying Ecstasy)? We have just the solution for you


Grampa, what did you do in the war?
When you mention the name Jerry Lewis most people will think of things like 'The Nutty Professor', Labor Day Telethons, or Martin & Lewis movies. Very few, however, will think of a clown that leads children into the doom-showers of a German deathcamp.


Ya gotta hand it to him
I'm all for body modifications. I have tattoos and even a few Germs burns, if you must know. However, there are a few individuals out there that take this to an extreme. They'll tattoo their whole bodies, or spend years having complex scarification or piercing done. Cool by me. But there comes a time when the line in the sand must be drawn and anyone who wants to step over it should be locked up in the deepest booby hatch that can be dug. And for me, that line is elective self-amputation.


They're out to get you!
Every now and then, you'll see them on some side walk corner. Member(s) of some group or organization with beliefs so out there, that you wonder out loud how many days it's been since they last took their medication. Beliefs like the CIA used telephones to control our minds, the Pope is a heroin kingpin, and so on. But what's really strange, is that some people give them money. And what do these nut do with the cash? Why they get internet access!


No really! It's my friend's!
We've all heard the drug stories at one time or another about people doing things so incredibly stupid, that you wonder if the should be given a euthanasia gift certificate, redeemable on the spot. Well here's the king god story of them all. Get this: Richard Minnier, AKA Richie Rich gets arrested for possession of a meth lab that was in the back of his truck, that he brought to the courthouse while he awaited trial of meth manufacturing!


Here's to incest, gas drinkin' and firearms!
One of the bloodiest chapters in the history of the United States is the feud between the Hatfields and McCoys. Innocent lives on both sides were needlessly lost, in what turned out to be mostly due to a greedy lawyer with an eye for real estate. But when you find yourself being pelted with lemons, you should try to make some lemonade, which is what the people of Pikeville, KY did. On the very grounds where this infamous chapter of was written, they now hold Hillbilly Days!


Oh You Didn't Know? You Better Call Somebody!
It's a fairly well know fact, that professional wrestling styles itself as a social barometer, as a way of staying popular and keeping it's soap opera story lines flowing seamlessly. Example: in the 70's during the Iranian crisis, we had the Iron Sheik. Flash forward to the edge of the millenium. What does pro wrestling have to give us? Mr. Ass, of course!


Western Civillization, Meet Mr. Flushing Toilet
I consider myself a very open minded person. What two or more consenting adults want to do is their own business. And what a person chooses to fantasize about -- hey it's not hurting anyone, right? However, this not only crosses the line, it's 400 miles into the land of sickening, stomach-churning bad taste.


Pigdog Welcomes Mark Barton to Club Charles Whitman
Just two days shy of the University of Texas Tower massacre anniversary, Atlanta Georgia's Mark Barton submitted his application for the most elite club in the world.


Are you scared, little punk? You should be.
Many bands in this day and age would like you to believe how they are bad-assed, or just plain bad people. In most cases, though, they'll be nothing more than a bunch of slack-jawed suburban kiddies, still living in their mom and dad's basement. This is not the case with Atari Teenage Riot.


Goatchildren on the Rise
Were you out with the rest of the knuckle-dragging mobs of people, drinking crappy beer, and chanting "U-S-A" as cheap fireworks were shot off into the air? Not me. I proudly spent the entire Fourth of July showing my mother (yeah, my mom) videotapes of Bill Hicks' performances. And, dear readers, there is no greater thing you could possibly do to show that you love your country than that.


I See by the Cards that You Will Win the Next Pokemon Tournament
So the daughter of New-Age Wicca in your life has a birthday coming up. And like anyone else, you ponder the question, "what can I possibly get for her that she'll not only like, but will use for years to come?" Well Chester, contemplate no more. We have the perfect gift. Get The Hello Kitty Tarot Deck -- the cutest tarot deck you'll ever see.


Je Lumrapideco Kvin, Sinjoro Sulu
So years before he was known as Capt. James T. Kirk, William Shatner starred in this movie called "Incubus." What makes this film worth noting, is that the entire dialog is in Esperanto! No, I'm not kidding! Esperanto!


George Orwell Imitates a Cuisinart From His Grave
Pigdog expresses sympathy to the families of the Little Town victims; Rabid Speculation at 11.


Trenchcoat Mafia, II: KMFDM
Speaking of stupid mass-media fnords, it's turned up today that those bad kids in Little Town, CO -- the focus of every PTA member's lip-quivering fears and anxieties -- had a few albums by a German band known as KMFDM. Now the big news outlets are trumpeting that KMFDM had some kind of Nazi influence on these little creeps. But it's just a big load of King Bullshit!


Public Enemy Strikes Back
In response to the glove being thrown down by the powers that be, Public Enemy is leaving their former label. As extra spite, they put up a scorching track that blasts not only Def Jam, but the music industry in general!


Another Jackboot Footprint on Your Face
Welcome to Seattle Washington, land of Grunge, Starbucks Coffee, Microsoft and the Space Needle. At one time, it was known for individuality and personal responsibility. Not any more.


Falwell Spouts More BULLSHIT
According to The Rev. Jerry Falwell, the Antichrist is probably alive today and is a male Jew.


No, I am not wearing glow in the dark paint. Why do you ask?
There are some advantages to opening a night club in a Russian bomb shelter.


Hot Milky Mamas
Ok. You're pregnant, lactating, and broke. You need to come up with some cash quick-like. What can you do? You _could_ do a sleazy porn movie that will probably come back to haunt you years from now... *or* you could sell off your breast milk for $2.50 an ounce.


Free Jim Goad... Maybe
So, Jim Goad, editor of and primary writer for the zine Answer Me!, is in the slammer in Portland, OR. Some of you will probably say, "good riddance" - but the ugly twist is that Goad's writings are being used as evidence against him in an unrelated charge.


Muppets Claim Another Victim
You'll never see them running down the street armed with sawed off shotguns. Nor will you see them in a darkened alley holding a bloody knife (though I bet you would). But beware the Muppets. Their methods are far subtler, and they have a long victim list to prove it.


Perhaps He Should Move To Georgia
Once again, the long arm of the law invades our privacy, chipping away at our rights as American citizens!


More Madness from Kevin Kelm
Kevin Kelm, self-described "Dark Prince of HTML", has given the world a somewhat disturbing look into his twisted world. His Web portfolio ranges from bedtime stories featuring titles such as "Curious George & The High Tension Wire", to an online journey into the mysterious Paris Burial Catacombs that stretch for miles under the city, to a lose-lose game called "Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don't".


Fuck 'Buy Nothing Day'
I don't know about the rest of you, but I personally have had my fill of dogma sandwiches in the past few months. I'm don't need another trip to the all-you-can-eat "let's-educate-millions" buffet.


There Will Be Much Buggery In Georgia Tonight!
Break out the Aqualube! The Georgia State Supreme Court has overturned the state's anti-sodomy law as unconstitutional. CNN reports that a Georgia man charged with sodomizing his 17-year-old niece is a free man today -- free once again to ass-fuck the under-aged girl-folk of his clan, as is his constitutional right.


The Pat Boone Lounge Has Been Mustard Gassed
Are you still using that watered-down pepper spray crap to defend yourself against buggering, mugging, and whatnot? That stuff is no good. What you need is to get you some bear repellent!!


Loser at the Cruise Control
So, nothing makes you feel better about yourself than laughing at stupid people. The great thing about the Web is that you're not in danger of them hearing you laugh and coming over and making a big dumb weepy embarrassing spectacle of themselves.


Hot Surgical Voyeurism
Wonderful! Do you need to get some of that blecherous fat vacuumed off your bloated cheese pile ass? Well, thanks to the Internet, now you may be able to get one of those fun cosmetic surgery operations absolutely free! ONLINE SURGERY is offering free liposuction, breast augmentation, nose jobs, and face lifts to "eligible candidates." You wont mind having the operation broadcast LIVE via Real Video will you? Heh heh heh... Take a peek at the SURGICAL ARCHIVES, where you can view hot, goopy liposucking action!! Sponsored by DuPont.


Where's Johnny's Brain?
The Washington Post reports that archive photo's that are supposed to be John F. Kennedy's brain are _not_. So, where is the actual brain? It's like a party game: "Find the missing brain, and win a visit from an M.I.B. of your very own."


KMFMS Is Crazy
So, KMFMS stands for, uh, Kein Mitleid Fuhr MicroSoft, whatever the hell that means. They got the artist who does those cool brutal album covers for KMFDM to do a design for Linux. It's horrible and bizarre. And you can wear it as a T-Shirt!


Shove It Up Your Ass!
Updated: Things people put up their ass. With new pics!

Offsite links shared by the author


Alex Jones Smokes Some Kind. Gets Really Paranoid
So what's the time? It's time to get ill! Alex Jones Smokes Some Kind. Gets Really Paranoid


Ray Charles on Ice
This is wrong on so many levels & in so many ways...


Starsky and Hutch: The Movie
The creative well of cinema is running dry. That, or all the cool ideas were destroyed on 9/11.



Why Vets Are *Really* Going Back Over To Viet Nam.
Why Viet Nam Vets Are *Really* Going Back Over




Overclock your pocket calculator
Be a true nerd! Overclock your pocket calculator!


tiniest web server
The world's tiniest web server- built by Tiny Elvis.


Messiah Cam!
Web site set up in order to be the first to caputure the image of Jesus as he walks through the gates of Jersalem (really).


Delicious hot dogs

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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GNUPG! You need to get some ENCRYPTION, BUB.

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