One From the Ladies Room

by Miss Conduct

2003-07-11 16:29:28

Broad View

For all you Sensitive New Age Guys (SNAG) out there who complain about not getting laid, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret: Women only like to have sex with jerks.

So, if you're not getting laid, then you need to get in touch with your Inner Jerk. Jerks, in order to get laid, endeavor to make attractive women BELIEVE that they WANT a relationship. Then, after the humiliating deed is accomplished, Jerks have an arsenal of trap door mannerisms, techniques and excuses at the ready to blast at the poor, unsuspecting, innocent they've lead astray. These include:

• I didn't realize that I'm not ready for a serious relationship. I'm fragile.
• I feel bad, I suck, you're too good for me.
• I need some space to sort things out.
• You're really great. I love hanging out with you. I'll call you.
• You are so special to me I want you to meet my MOM. Come to see The Ring Trilogy and she can sit BETWEEN us so you can get to know each other. You're gonna LOVE her! You are her type of woman.
• I decided I like your friend better and I slept with her after I left your house last night. sorry.
• I forgot to tell you that I HAVE a girlfriend, only she's on an extended road trip right now and we have this *agreement*. Thanks.
• I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you.
• My friend doesn't think you're pretty enough for me.
• I just don't feel like we, you know, "click" (you must actually make quote marks in the air with your fingers when you say this or it won't work).
• I cannot deny it anymore, I'm GAY and you really helped me get in touch with that and for that I will be eternally in your debt. Thank you SO much!
• Let's just be friends. I'll call you.
• I'll call you.

OR

• Make subsequent dates and reliably do not show up.
• Never have enough money on you to cover expenses for a date which you insisted you'd pay for.
• Make lots of unsolicited promises and break them.
• Make a dinner date and when you meet, tell her you already ate and you're not hungry.
• Never, ever have sex with her again, but lead her to believe that you will.
• Go to one of her events or her performance or someplace where she wants to be the STAR in your whirled. Ignore her, flirt with all of her girlfriends and on the ride home ask her all about their romantic availability and sexual interests.
• Never tell her she's attractive but constantly expound on every hot chick who crosses your path. OR, ask her lots of questions and while she's answering them, distract your attention with every woman who walks by.
• Tell her you saw something you wanted to buy for her but that it was too expensive.
• In the converse, bestow upon her lots of gifts which do not match her personality and taste in the slightest. It helps if you say something like, "My ex used to really like these" or "I found this and thought of you."
• Just before you're gonna get freaky and after she's nekkid, mention that she could benefit from doing more sit-ups.
• Tell her it takes her too long to cum and that she makes too much noise.
• Invite her to a party with all of your friends, fail to introduce her, ignore her and then get insanely jealous when she talks to anybody.
• TELL her you're only interested in monogamy. Then sleep around a lot behind her back and give her lots and lots of yeast and urinary tract infections. Extra points for chlamydia.
• Take her to Disneyland. Begin a bogus argument over the way she looked at the guy in line in front of you, storm off and abandon her there.

And, finally, my All Time Favorite:

• Get really irate over something insignificant. Pick up her cat and toss it in the air so that it hits the whirling ceiling fan and dies.

In conclusion, try harder.

burton@pigdog.org