Build Date: Mon Jun 8 20:50:13 2026 UTC
Of what need is comedy if there is beer?
-- Head Freezin' Gene
| Mr. Bad's List -- Reported 1999-03-23 12:18 by Mr. Bad | |
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This week's list: The Ogre Juggernaut Comments on Mr. Bad's latest [sic] list Editor's Note: This week we're honored to have a special celebrity guest columnist, Tjames Madison, provide a rebuttal to Mr. Bad's previous column, Totally Hot Chicks I Want to Get All Freaky With. Editor's Additional Note To The Ladies: Mr. Tjames does not always look like a degenerate desert FREAK. I just picked this image because he looks so evil in it. "Parker Posey" Yeah, I guess so. But she's apparently dopey. And once she made that "Party Girl" movie, it was just a question of when the incessant overexposure would catch up to her. And now it's 1999, and this is like picking Cheryl Ladd in 1985. "Beth Orton" Had to look her up. What is your problem? She has enormous teeth. "Cookie (the daughter from "Blondie")" Not bad, but I go with the daughter from "Hagar the Horrible". "Lauren Bacall" Lauren Hutton! "Maid Marian" You're such a suck-up. "Toni Collette" Ooh, the smoky look. The smoky pseudo-Keaney waify look, without having to deal with the fact that she's Winona Ryder. The "look at me, I mentioned someone suitably obscure" look you're making right now. "Kristi Yamaguchi" Plus a free lifetime supply of Campbell's Soup! "Samantha Stevens" The TV witch or the porn star? "Lady Miss Kier" Yeah, maybe in 1994, I guess. "MAJ" Awwwwwwww. That is just so cuuuuuute. "Kim Rollins" Hey, it's your list. "Leah Garchik" Well-trained psychologists can cure this problem. "Ezri Dax" Is this some Star Track thing? NERD! "Me'shell Ndege'Ocello or whatever" See Collette, Toni. "The dark-haired, leather-clad singer from AWD" Oh yeah? Well the cute one in Luscious Jackson! You know what one I'm talking about! "Marilyn vos Savant" Brrrrrr. Better wear a thermal condom. "Queen Latifah" "Hi, my name is Mister Bad, and I just think up names at random and write them down." "The Star*Kist Tuna mermaid" Ariel from "The Little Mermaid" "Exene" Only if she's wearing cateye glasses. "Marie Osmond" Thank you. I will send you the bill for my therapy. "Mon Mothma" Nerd II: The Quickening "Scary Spice" While I appreciate the originality involved in picking nobody's favorite Spice Girl, how about just NOT PICKING Spice Girls? "Emma Thompson" She's a lesbian, you know. "Gong Li" Leslie Cheung "Cindy Wilson" FINALLY, we agree on someone. "This totally babe girl from my high school who I had a painfully secret crush on and I still many years later have erotic dreams about" (cont.) "...and now I stalk her on the net and I know where she works so I'm gonna go hang around there next week and look at her when she comes while I hide behind some stuff." "The Solid Gold Dancers" The Fly Girls from "In Living Color" "KTVU Anchorwoman Diane Dwyer" You could not be more disgusting. "Ann Magnuson" There's two we agree on. |
T O P S T O R I E S
America's National Recording Registry Inducts Culturally Significant Artist - Weezer!
America's Library of Congress calls them "defining sounds of history and culture" and "audio treasures worthy of preservation for all time based on their cultural, historical or aesthetic importance in the nation’s recorded sound heritage." Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... Weezer! (More...)
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
A Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Liquor
Curled up cozy with a good book? All warm and snuggly and thinking about friends far away? So am I, reading the greatest story by the greatest writer -- when he suddenly starts waxing philosophical about liquor! (More...)
We here in SMRL's Beverage Research Lab realize that there is more to life than just drinking spocktails. It's important to have other activities. One such activity that we wholeheartedly support is dancing six or more hours to Trance music. So we have designed a drink to accommodate this. (More...)
The Ancient and Correct Sake Ceremony
Many Americans have learned to appreciate the delicate, sophisticated flavors of Japanese food and drink, along with the beautifully refined rituals of Japanese dining. San Francisco, as a gateway between East and West, has especially benefited from the flowering of Eastern consciousness in America. It is hardly possible to walk down the street without stepping on somebody's sushi. (More...)
It’s election night. My wife and I are holed-up in this hotel that my political party has rented out for the evening. Outside, people are being violently beaten for whom they voted for. Is this South Africa? Perhaps we’re in Haiti or some Southern state during the 60’s. Of all the places where this sort of thing happens, it’s mind-boggling that we are in Portland, Maine. (More...)
So I was walking around the Tenderloin looking for stray twenty-dollar-bills that might have fallen into gutters, and I was thinking, as I often do, about my mother. (More...)
