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Everybody has to call me "Bluto" from now on.
-- Mr. Bad

Torture: It's not just for witches anymore!

by Baron Earl

2007-05-17 20:26:29

During the second Republican Presidential Debate each of the candidates was given a hypothetical "impending doom from terrorists" scenario and asked if they would use torture to extract information from prisoners who might have some information about a possible imminent attack. The answers ranged from "yes" to "absolutely yes" to Mitt Romney's "yes, as long as we refer to torture as 'enhanced interrogation techniques'." John McCain was the lone dissenter stating categorically "no". Too bad John McCain doesn't know his history. Torture was used to stop terrorism here before there was a USA. In 1692 the town of Salem, Massachusetts was being terrorized, and they successfully used torture to stop the terror.

The people of Salem weren't being terrorized by some low-rent Al-Qaeda operatives either, they were being terrorized by Satan himself. Originally the town of Salem thought that there were only a few young girls who were possessed by the devil, but upon questioning them they named others in the town. After being tortured and threatened with death, the accused named other witches, which led to more and more witches being discovered in the township.

Of course it's not a good idea to question the policy of torturing and killing witches, as John Proctor found out. He was openly skeptical of the witch trials, but as it turned out, he was skeptical because he was a witch himself! Several people testified that ghosts had told them John Proctor was a murderer, and that was good enough for the courts -- John Proctor was hung by the neck until dead. When President Bush says that you're with the terrorists if you question his tactics, just remember what happened to John Proctor -- and you'll support the President 110%!

Thanks to torture, the people of Salem managed to uncover the devil's terrorists.

  • The people of Salem hanged nineteen witches
  • They pressed Giles Corey to death under a pile of stones (he didn't confess and wouldn't consent to a trial, so he was pressed rather than hanged)
  • They killed two dogs (the dogs were accomplices of the witches)
  • At least 4 accused witches died in jail awaiting trial (the exact number is unknown)
  • Somewhere between one and two hundred other persons were arrested and imprisoned on witchcraft charges. They were later released due to the work of meddling liberals such as Increase Mather.

Without the use of torture these witches would never have been unmasked. So when someone asks you if you support torture, just say "Hell yes!" It worked in Salem to uncover witches that no one ever suspected were witches, and it can work in Guantanamo to find terrorists that no one ever suspected were terrorists.

Torture -- it's not just for witch hunts anymore!

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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