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I never thought Freedom was cheap
-- Ralph "Sonny" Barger

Cackles of the Mad Reverend

The Reverend has his own tweaked point of view. For some reason we're still allowed to publish it.

Weird ramblings from Reverend Cybersatan, recorded at random intervals

Pigdog Journal Articles

2007-06-29

CIA "Family Jewels" More Like "Numb Nuts"
When I first heard that the CIA was about to release several hundred pages of previously classified material that would shed light on its various operations, I laughed hard enough to scare the clown next to me into a career as a mime. I'd seen declassified material before. Most of it involved pages with vast swaths of black redaction clouding any seriously useful information. Between the blackness were little glimpses of wretched wrongness that no one in their right mind would take credit for having engineered, funded, imagined, and/or perpetrated. Somehow, the thought of the Bush/Cheney White House permitting a whole new, potentially more incriminating disgorgement from the CIA was not only implausible but utterly ridiculous. -- Reverend CyberSatan

2006-11-28

Bring Out Your Damned!
Watching the Republican retreat from the now undeniable failure that is Iraq's current pitiful condition is nothing short of a monumental disgrace to humanity. I'm not talking about "peace with honor," which was Nixon's shorthand for "Let's get the fuck out of here and keep our mouths shut." That his progeny don't even have the grace of Richard Nixon is difficult to imagine, seeing as how Nixon was an evil sack of shit whose soul will be receiving mail in hell long after our sun has gone nova. No. The modern breed of mean-spirited, venal cowards pipe up the rhetoric born of lowly insurance defense lawyers who have their eye on making partner by making assumption of responsibility seem like faux martyrdom. -- Reverend CyberSatan

2006-10-02

Fuck This!
It was all looking so good. The battle plan was another masterpiece, the minds out there just waiting to be manipulated towards another victory. Subtle pushes here, a few prods there, and voila!--another incompetent Democratic effort crushed on Election Day. Then came those damned teen tarts that serve as pages in Congress. -- Reverend CyberSatan

2006-09-09

Forest Behind the Tree
The Bush Administration fired its opening salvo in the coming Congression election war yesterday. Most liberal pundits seem to have completely missed this, judging by what I have seen and read in the intervening 24 hours. The two shots were seemingly disparate, yet they are as closely connected as Karl Rove and treachery. So take notice, boyz and goilz: these mindtricks are the ones that are going to kill the Democrats at the ballot box this November if people aren’t extremely careful -- and vocal. -- Reverend CyberSatan

2006-09-01

Brother, Can You Spare a Backbone?
In the the Thirties, America was hungry. Soup lines stretched for blocks, families were forced onto the street, and an unimaginable desperation hung over everyone who wasn't already super-rich. During those times, the common line, "Brother, can you spare a dime?" echoed from the humbled egos on Wall Street, across the Dust Bowl and out to the Pacific. The real pity is that it took a global war to bail us out from that depression. -- Reverend CyberSatan

2006-04-11

U Laugh Now, But...
People in my office chuckled a little last week when I told them I had the current winning bid for an old German u-boat that was being hawked on Ebay. -- Reverend CyberSatan

2006-03-07

Bush UpChucks on Subcontinent
I would never have suspected that George Bush was a dime store Chuck Norris, waiting for the opportunity to bust a move on some random, unsuspecting foreign leader. Such has been the case as of late with the Bushwhacker's trip to the Subcontinent. Though vastly unreported in the conventional media, my well-placed sources in the Foreign Service Bureau say that Pakistani "president" Pervez Musharraf is undergoing emergency surgery this week to remove his testicles from his upper chest. -- Reverend CyberSatan

2006-02-10

What Ludicrous Bullshit
Ooof. Man, I've been off the keys too long. There's been several attractive fruits out there, ripe for the picking and consumption, but realtime demands have kept me away from the farmer's market. Until now. Great to be back. So nice to see all of you lovely Gonzos. -- Reverend CyberSatan

2005-07-14

Bush Brain in Critical Condition
Sometime over the last 24 hours, George Bush Jr. had a stroke. You would never be able to tell. Bush continued giving speeches and making appearances, like the one at the FBI training academy. His photo ops have rolled right along, too. But despite these appearances, the man is profoundly ill. -- Reverend CyberSatan

2005-06-23

“This Land Is My Land” – Ha, Sucker!
Cannibalism. Seems to me that this used to be an anathema in America. But convenience and desperation have a way of assuaging our revulsion. We want what we want, when we want it and need to maintain a certain standard of life no matter what happens to us. -- Reverend CyberSatan

2005-04-14

Real Tourists Don't Wear Black
Proving once again that one can never be too paranoid these days, Washington D.C. police succeeded in making a mountain from a molehill when they transformed a confused tourist into a "suicide bomber." -- Reverend CyberSatan

2005-02-25

Get Up, Gonzo!
The King is dead!  Long live the King! -- Reverend CyberSatan

2004-12-16

Cock on the Block Cops Out
Goddamn it! How could we let Bernard Kerik slip away from us like that? -- Reverend CyberSatan

2003-07-01

Another Hit By The Supremes
That rumble I felt this morning wasn't caused by any kind of geological seismic displacement. Rather, it was the ripping wave of social change. In case you didn't feel it, or hear the resounding howl from the Castro, Greenwich Village, and Key West, the Supreme Court ruled that anti-sodomy laws are unconstitutional per a reasonable expectation of privacy. -- Reverend CyberSatan

2003-06-23

Goose, Gander; Gander, Goose
"Revisionist history" is the big buzz term at the White House lately. Condi Rice fished this one from the post-Vietnam defeat archives and re-applied it to anyone questioning the "intelligence" reports used to justify our lighting war on Iraq. The Bushmeister has also latched onto the term, using it to conveniently silence and/or dispose of anyone who grills him on pre-war Weapons of Mass Destruction evidence. The Bush team wields this weapon like a giant claymore sword, almost as much as they used "patriotism" to browbeat any Congressional resistance to homeland security initiatives or the mobilization to Iraq. It's a classic emerging Bush-ism, clearly used for "us-or-them" effect. -- Reverend CyberSatan

2003-06-15

Peace, or Nothing Like It
My teeth nearly fell out a few weeks ago when I heard Ariel Sharon say that he was going to begin dismantling illegal Israeli settlements in the Occupied Territories as a means of getting the Peace Process back on track. Reciprocal promises by Mahmoud Abbas to crack down on factional terror strikes seemed almost as breathtaking. Could this be the moment I so longed for since the fatal blow to a nearly-realized dream three years ago? Would the bloodshed stop and period of reconstructive optimism commence? Oh, come on-this is Israel! Of course it couldn't be that easy! -- Reverend CyberSatan

2003-04-27

Presenting: The Madonna, Mark XII
Wow. I bow down before the queen of media spin self-promotion. She may not be able to act her way out of a speeding ticket. However, there's no denying which bitch is on top when it comes to packaging controversy for her own benefit. Just when you thought she was too old and weak for the game, out comes the Material Girl, rapping about her latte and pilates boy-scoping diva life. She won't snap America out of its war stupor and into sensibility. She'll make plenty of money pretending to, though. -- Reverend CyberSatan

2003-04-05

Under God Or Else
About a week ago, the House of Representatives passed a measure that decrees a national day of praying and fasting to please God. At the time, I was offended by yet another wild opportunistic lurch aimed at making America a corporate theocracy. Swish in Herr Bush's exhortation that we pray to God for our troops' benefit and you've got one treacherous brew that lightens the soul while excusing the crimes. But now that our troops have gone ahead and slaughtered a van full of Iraqi children, perhaps a day of national penitence is in order. God's likely to be pissed about this. -- Reverend CyberSatan

2003-03-19

Dixie Chicks No Rebels
Whatever happened to Grrrrrl Power? Did I fall asleep one night and wake up to tractable Southern women in their pre-Civil War form? Back in the social corsets of submission, seen and not really heard? Dangling before us like sugarplums, delicious and ripe, but lacking any real substance? Thanks to the Dixie Chicks, all these questions have been answered in a most ominous fashion. -- Reverend CyberSatan

2003-01-27

More Lard With My Coke, Please
The Good Rev lays down the nitty-gritty on high-fat diets and their effect on the WAR ON TERRORISM! -- Reverend CyberSatan

2002-12-20

Pack It In!
Ready to put some Ho-Fucking-Ho in the new airline travel recommendations set out by our ever-friendly and uber-paranoid Transportation Security Administration? -- Reverend CyberSatan

2002-05-04

The Love Daddy
"No, Daddy! I don't want to take any more G and let those perverts have another go at me!" -- Reverend CyberSatan

2002-04-29

Bring Me Jango
In which the Rev waxes nostalgic about "The Star Track," and we get some valuable insights into the youthful origins of everyone's favorite Pigdog columnist. -- Reverend CyberSatan

2002-04-18

The New American Standard
America. We like to project a certain image to the rest of the world. “Freedom” comes to mind because we brandy it so much before everyone else on the globe. This freedom includes the right to go out and take risks and make something for yourself because you had the necessary chutzpah. “The bigger the risk, the bigger the reward,” we say, and we encourage this even though some ventures will inevitably fail. Such has been the course of things throughout our history, and as a nation we generally look to the Oval Office for guidance on what risks we, as a nation, will take. -- Reverend CyberSatan

2002-04-02

Bad House, Good Tea
The City! Its lights, its sounds, its voices. This article has nothing to do with those things, but the Rev does lay it down on a new venue for you to do those things you do. -- Reverend CyberSatan

2001-11-14

Market Karma
It just warms my racing heart when I see evil people get what they've so richly deserved for so long. So it was with great pleasure last week that I saw one of the most vile and greedy corporations in America get what was rightfully coming to it. -- Reverend CyberSatan

2001-10-15

Jeez, Take the Train
In America, there's usually two or three times a week when you think to yourself, "Now I've seen it all." Some obscene story on the news, some twisted fate in a situation you'd never be involved in, some new product pushed in an overtly sexual manner. It's always something. -- Reverend CyberSatan

2001-10-15

CNN S&M
Thank God, er--Allah, for the war! If it hadn't been for the Sept. 11th attacks, CNN might have succumbed to it's own pundit-heavy payroll and folded like a cheap al-Qaida tent. But thanks to AMERICA?S NEW WARTM and it's inevitable sequel, AMERICA STRIKES BACKTM, the AOL-Time Warner behemoth has one again leapt to the forefront of the media stage, albeit with questionable consequences. -- Reverend CyberSatan

2001-06-27

Is Not This Rave a Crackhouse?
Glowsticks, pacifiers, and Dancesafe, oh my! -- Reverend CyberSatan

2001-05-12

Dr. Flufflay, or "How I learned to stop worrying and love the Marina"
The Good Reverend gives the lowdown on a recent laydown. -- Reverend CyberSatan

2000-12-22

Cultural Terrorism: Homestyle
The Rev gives you the scoop on jamming the brain-radiation broadcasts and sending some bad waves back upstream. -- Reverend CyberSatan

2000-11-16

Walk Among Us: The Blonde Clone Invasion Stops Here
What's going on in your home town? The Good Reverend gives you the scoop. -- Reverend CyberSatan

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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