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Tjames Madison

like a rolling steel keg rolling on concrete

In the words of Doctor Murdock, Tjames Madison plunges through the world of journalism "like a rolling steel keg rolling on concrete." His take-no-prisoners style and invidious investigative skills make him feared from Shanghai to Chicago. Needless to say, the so-called Ogre Juggernaut has his softer side -- he does needlecraft and volunteers at children's hospitals in his persona as Hip-Hopalong the Kowboy Klown. But he wants all you corrupt politicians and exploitative businessfolk to know, "Just because I've got a SOFT HEART, doesn't mean I'm SOFT on the NEWS!"

Pigdog Journal Articles

2002-05-24

Canadia Revealed: A Brief Guide to a Large Country
Recently Pigdog has received many letters from readers who are apparently puzzled and upset by our regular coverage of the mysterious nation north of our border, Canadia.

2002-05-02

When Assmen Collide
There are two kinds of Assmen in this world. Wild, hairy assmen, who put stickers that say things like "Why Be Normal?" all over their trucks and drink Corona beer and wear fezzes at parties for attention; these are the Assman Desperados. Our job is to ferret them out and expose them.

2002-05-01

Rise of the Ratbots!
Scientists at the State University of New York are preparing ungodly hordes of ratbots to do their masters' evil bidding, according to the BBC.

2002-05-01

Elegy For an Elegant Bastard
All this talk about death, wakes and Moloch recently has, frankly, got me a little worried. What if I'm next to go? I could slip on a wet banana peel and slam my head against an enormous brass statue at almost any time. I'm not planning well enough for this sort of thing. Who will talk for me when this terrible day comes?

2002-04-29

Two Great Tastes That Taste Great Together
Punk rock. Hillbillies. From Brazil. I'm not exactly sure what else needs to be said here.

2002-04-25

Boscoe the Turtle Has Cashed His Check
I found this on the ground the other day as I was walking to the laundromat. I think these are instructions on how to poison turtles! What kind of world do we live in?

2002-04-22

Disoriented Walken Forced to Make Movie About Cartoon Bears for Disney; Prognosis Grim, Say Experts
Here's an item that's been banging around the Pigdog offices for quite a while, but has seemed too horrifying to actually comment on. Until now. Slow news day and all.

2002-04-19

Spock Center for Intergalactic Journalism Established
The Communications Department of the University of Texas at El Paso is getting a new Center for Communications Studies... named after Mr. Spock. For some reason, however, all the stories I've seen on this insist on referring to him as "Sam Donaldson".

2002-04-19

George Bush, Now With Kung Fu Action Grip
Some toy company is now making George Bush and Osama Bin Laden action figures. I wonder if Big George gets to drive around in a special Camping Wagon with his best pal Big Tony, and then decapitate a rogue beaver with his chainsaw, like I used to make Big Jim do?

2002-04-18

Vulcan Steel in the Hour of Chaos
It occurs to me every now and again, like right now, for instance, that compared to some of my other Pigdog associates, I'm just not all that political. I just like Spock, basically.

2002-04-18

The Single Worst Thing Ever
OK, this is the worst Assman ever. There will never be anything worse than this. Consider this category condemned, with extreme prejudice.

2002-04-18

Golf Bag Lighter Will Bury You
Tell ya whut, you've all gotta get GOLF BAG LIGHTERS. Ninety-nine cents at the 99 Cent Store. GOLF BAG LIGHTER.

2002-04-17

The IBM Selectric Typewriter Changed My Life
I ran my hands lovingly across her frame, lightly brushing her metallic nipples with my fingers, admiring the shapes and the ways of her curves, the empathetic hum she produced as I had my way with her, the way she made it all seem so effortless and right... she didn't even seem to mind the way I roughly manipulated her knobs and tweaked her casing. She was extremely tolerant, for a typewriter.

2002-04-17

Raisin Scare Grinds Canadian Economy to a Halt
The message is clear: if you're a raisin, stay the hell out of Canadia.

2002-01-21

Conservatives ponder Pigdog
"The future of e-zines may be in ratbag ventures such as Pigdog Journal," wrote a reporter in Toronto. And a conservative columnist with a strange moustache has a problem with that....

2001-12-23

Jesus on the Lam
There are dire tidings from the Badlands this Christmas.

2001-12-22

Brits Have a Big Cow Over Accurate Portrait of Queen
A new portrait of dowdy old Queen Elizabeth II by controversial artist Lucian Freud (are there any non-controversial British artists?) has provoked a shitstorm of, predictably enough, controversy among British art snobs and royalty enthusiasts alike because it portrays the Queen as dowdy and old, with deep crevices and wrinkles and big puffy jowls and loose flubbery skin.

2001-12-22

Canada "Not Ready to Attack Iraq"
Canada has assured a worried US State Department that, despite recent indications to the contrary, it does not plan on attacking Iraq. The denial puts a lid on widely circulating rumors, mostly in my head, that Canada had been devising a stealthy sneak attack on Saddam Hussein involving the use of a small fleet of rickety commercial fishing boats and thousands of 64 oz. jugs of maple syrup. And possibly hovercrafts.

2001-12-21

The Toyota MR2 is Decadent and Depraved
It's ugly and weird and I won't ever set foot in one again.

2001-11-30

All Beatles Must Pass
George Harrison has defied the critics once again. Rest in peace.

2001-03-13

All I Wanted Was a Damn Sammich
I had a very satisfying lunch at my local Arby's restaurant today. It consisted of a slab of sort of chewy roast beef product slathered with some sort of cheese sauce slapped between two onion rolls with some sort of mildly sweet sauce stuck resembling worcestershire somewhere in the middle. I chose the curly variety of french fry as a nutritious side course.

2001-01-26

A Fragmented Memory Regarding a Bearfight
Then there was that time when the huge hillbilly fought a doped-up bear. Author's note: I'm almost positive this really happened!

2000-08-03

Who Wants to Be a Pimp?
Extreme pimpin' under pressure ... how to tell a playa from a sucka ... keeping your hoes under control ... tips for mackin' success from Pigdog's own Terrordrone.

2000-05-10

Parade Kid! Hooray for the Parade Kid!
Don't be afraid of Chris. He just wants to entertain you. His methods may seem unorthodox to us and his manner of dress may seem a little offputting, at least to those of us who remember Kajagoogoo, but he just wants to make us smile.

2000-05-10

Boycott Molson!
It says it right there in black and white, or whatever color that's supposed to be. Right there on the web, anyway. Those filthy Canadians are at it again. "I am Canadian," a little javascript doohcikey announces, "because The UN rates us #1, sorry US."

2000-05-10

Let's Go Universal Remote!
I love the web. Do you know why? No, it's not just because of the plentiful, easy-to-locate pornography and baseball scores. It's also because of stuff like this: pages with no other real purpose than to give you lists of universal remote codes.

2000-05-10

Once More Into the Behavioral Sink, Boys!
Frankly, I just wanted to use that headline for something. I didn't have anything to go with it, so I looked around and found this story about Bryan Adams, the kind of story that makes you think, "Ick, Bryan Adams!" So now I can use this headline!

2000-03-28

Me No Fear The Reaper
It's like skunkbait for Massively Cool Dudes with Awesome Mini Trucks and way bitchin' mullets, an instant portal into the pinhead dimension and an easy mark for "Calvin Pissing on..." sticker collecters. It, like, totally, like, sums up the total, like, way you approach your life: NO FEAR, DUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!

2000-02-21

Haunted Painting Scares Up Serious eBay Scrilla
Have you heard about the Haunted Painting? It appeared in a listing on eBay one day and everybody who saw it listed there had to go tell some folks, "Hey, did you hear about the Haunted Painting on eBay?" I am one of those people. Well, not really, since I don't look at eBay, but somebody told me about it and now I am really scared but I wish I had that painting.

2000-02-21

Canadia Is Dreary And Depressing
People come to me all the time and they say, "Mr. Tjames, Canadia is trying to fight us! They're coming with bombs and guns to take over our American style of freshness!" And I pat them people on the head and I say, "No, no; Canadians aren't evil, and they're not coming down here to put karate all over us. They're just really dull is all. It gets confusing."

2000-02-08

Hey Mister, Bad News for DOS Fans
So DOS is like this TOTALLY CRAZY operating system, made by MICROSOFT of all people, and WHOA, apparently it was once the dominant OS on like ALMOST ALL COMPUTERS ANYWHERE! How did I miss out on DOS?

2000-02-07

Long Days and Deadly Nights in Broomfield
BROOMFIELD -- A siege-like atmosphere permeated the air in this strife-ridden Colorado city over the last week, as citizens, desperate to see a break in the non-stop string of senseless acts that have plagued the formerly quiet burg over the last several months, instead were treated to yet another series of bizarre, unexplainable and sometimes violent acts.

2000-01-29

Canadians Are Still Real Dumb
So, you should check out this little film, eh. It's all about the history of Canadia! It's only about 20 seconds long, eh, because Canadia has a dumb history!

2000-01-29

Web Dinks Give Super Blow to Football Fans
In a shocking turn of events, Internet-based companies that have as of yet failed to turn any sort of profits are lining up in a long, orderly row to pony up huge amounts of lucre - sometimes as much as four times their most recent year's revenues - to get their stupid, worthless web sites some tiny, meaningless exposure during the annual Super Bowl boreathon tomorrow.

2000-01-20

WHOA, man! The moon is like TOTALLY TRIPPY!
The moon! It's like a big COOKIE that some intergalactic ANDRE THE GIANT took a big BITE out of!

1999-12-20

A Slew of Holiday Favorites!
Ah, it's that special time of year again. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose, crowded, dangerous streets filled with maniac shoppers rushing to the mall to buy Pokemon action figures, and getting hammered at the Xmas party and insulting the boss's hair weave. That's right: it's time to drink heavily and wait out life's little nagging miseries, holiday variety. Pigdog is here to help.

1999-12-20

Dreary Canadianism Marches On
The Vancouver Sun is currently running a list of the "Top 100 British Canadians," that "amazing array of visionaries, scoundrels, activists, artists, entrepreneurs, writers, athletes and scientists (who) built British Columbia and gave us an identity." Meanwhile, Americans located south of the Provinces read the list and breathed a hearty sigh of relief that we weren't born Canadian.

1999-12-20

Everyone Hates Cliff Richard
Everyone in England hates Cliff Richard, which is no big surprise: I hate Cliff Richard, you hate Cliff Richard, and everyone you know probably hates Cliff Richard, too. We hate Cliff Richard because we fear Cliff Richard; we suspect he may be an Elder God sent to Earth to wreak havoc. We also hate him because we're not quite sure who he is.

1999-12-20

Would you people just stop making sites like these now, please?
You know how Hamster Dance showed up one day, probably in your inbox with a note attached that said "DOOD U HAV GOT 2 CHEK THIS OUT!!!11"? And then you looked at it and felt nothing but pity and contempt for people who thought it was, like, really funny? And THEN, like 8 million dumbasses all over the world thought it would be even FUNNIER to replace "dancing hamster" with "dancing other thing," like Herve Villichaize, so now there are 8 MILLION DANCING WHATEVER PAGES ON THE WORLD WIDE SQUIRREL? Are you following me? OK. Those people have to stop what they're doing. Right now.

1999-12-18

HOT SEXXXY MAMAS!!!11
The sweating! The groaning! The writhing around! The mesmerizing sight of a pair of tiny feet pushing forth from a pulsating vagina during a kinky breach delivery! The pure erotic pleasure of an unnassisted childbirth!

1999-12-10

Dumb Brits in Love with Hamster Music
This is why we fought the king. The weirdo Brits are about to make a song featuring samples of the music from that stupid HamsterDance site their biggest-selling record of the holiday season.

1999-12-10

Giant Space Turd Smashes into Australian Reservoir
A strange object from outer space hurtled into a reservoir in Guyra, Australia, and left a 40-centimeter-diameter tunnel in its wake, prompting scores of superstitious Aussie girly men to run around screaming about "little green men from Mars."

1999-12-10

Entertainment Briefs: Kirk Douglas Fete Attracts Near-Record Turnout of Useless Celebrities
Actor Kirk Douglas, celebrating his 427th birthday by reaffirming his Jewish heritage with a second Bar Mitzvah, attracted a huge turnout of Hollywood scum, vermin and hangers-on to a Los Angeles synagogue yesterday.

1999-12-10

...and then Spock killed Mr. Rourke with a NERVE PINCH
So I was watchin' that Star Track movie the other day, "Star Track II: The Grapes of Wrath of Khan," and I was wonderin', whatever happened to that feller who was Khan in that, who also used to be Mr. Rourke on the Fantasy Island? So imagine my suprise when upon reading the newspaper, I found out that Khan has a whole new career in San Francisco, sculpting statues of people like Donny Osmond!

1999-12-02

Miles Standish is a Big, Dumb Hillbilly
There's no denying that protests can be an effective mechanism for change. Or that sometimes protests don't do shit. But what are the protests up in Seattle accomplishing?

1999-12-02

Big Stupid Numbers
Apparently the latest justification coming down the pipe for the Duncecap Riverdance going on up in Seattle is that it "causes serious problems for the WTO," so therefore anything goes. Right. I bet the WTO is issuing collective heaving sobs right at this minute, tossing and turning in their hotel linens and unable to sleep a wink because all those northwest guttersnipe kids are being sooooo mean to them.

1999-12-01

The WTO Protests are Decadent and Depraved
Is it just me, or is it that BOTH the WTO and the chunderheads protesting against the WTO in Seattle are starting to look equally repellent?

1999-12-01

Spock Thoughts
Over and over again, we here at Pigdog hear the same request from our readers: give us more Leonard Nimoy poetry! As usual, we're happy to oblige.

1999-12-01

Fun-Loving Aussies Deliver Another Blow to Equality
Australia - traditionally a strong competitor for the UN's annual "It's a Man's Man's Man's Man's Man's Man's World" prize - has once again demonstrated the level of sensitivity and equality that make the remote island a prime spot for all-male drumming circles, "Iron John" fan club meetings and group rate wife beater conventions/getaway weekends.

1999-12-01

Steve McQueen Returns from the Dead... and He's Black
Famed Hollywood action hero Steve McQueen, who died of cancer in 1980, has apparently returned from the grave. The resilient zombie McQueen has just been named the 1999 recipient of the UK's controversial Turner Prize, awarded annually and traditionally to the artist who seems to enrage fundamentalist art critics the most.

1999-11-11

Gross Homeopathic Linux Bigots!
Check out these freaks at Linux Mall! If you want a job with them (in a "simultaneously fun, laid back and high pressure mode,") you have to be some kind of WEIRDO who's not only not allowed to smoke or wear perfumes, but apparently not allowed to KNOW ANYBODY WHO SMOKES!

1999-11-11

Would-be Stalkers Beware: Porno Pager is Here
So some jackass has invented this device that monitors your computer to see if your kid is looking at porno, and then emails or pages you and tells you "YOUR KID IS LOOKING AT PORNO!"

1999-08-27

Spock Mountain Research Labs: A Short Primer
SMRL will be making another appearance at Burning Man next week. For the uninitiated, the question is: who are these guys?

1999-08-22

The Stuff I Am Bringing to Burning Man '99
First time out it's a list; so what? Just read the thing.

1999-08-21

Why England is Dying, Chapter 309
Check out the BIG NEWS: some stupid flouncy British pop star is getting married to some other stupid poncy British celebrity. Again. And once again, the BBC have decided this is front page news.

1999-08-21

More Free Publicity From Pigdog!
Oh look, we're doing it again: we're making some other guys famous. Why do we do it? I don't know. Perhaps we're crazy.

1999-08-21

Save the Orange Show!
Welcome to the Orange Show: ripened in the hot Texas sun, sweetened by its eccentric creator's singular vision, the Orange Show was Jefferson McKissack's present to the world, a strange and strangely appealing mishmash of found objects, homebuilt robots and bizarre dioramas splattered across his south Houston canvas. Oh, and it's a tribute to the orange.

1999-08-18

How Many Bleedin' Gorillas Do You Need?
Well, it's British, it's mostly incomprehensible, it takes the piss out of poor people, fat people, ugly people, minorities and politicians of all stripes, and it's the funniest thing on the web, now that the Onion's gone and changed their name to GettingIt, fired all their good writers and devoted exclusive coverage to the sport of wrestling. Whoops.

1999-08-17

Project GRIZZLY!
Has anybody seen this film? It sounds completely CRAZY: this Canadian guy built this big robot suit so he could go out in the woods and FIGHT GRIZZLY BEARS! A FILM about a CANADIAN CYBERBILLY! It totally defies categorization!

1999-08-17

Damn! Them's Some Damn Fine Icons, Jed.
Say your name is Jed Sanders. You've got a webpage, but you ain't got nuthin' t' put on it. You tryed to drawer sum, but th' pencil kep snappin' on yer monitor. Whut you gonna do?

1999-08-16

Assman Better Have My Money!
Mr. Bad asks, "Can someone be an Assman if they don't call themselves 'Assman'?" Sure, this may not seem an important distinction, any more than calling a Mennonite "Amish," but it's CRUCIAL to the Assmen themselves. And sometimes, you're an Assman and you don't even know it...

1999-08-16

Naked Tarzan Spurs Orthodox Anger
In the latest twist on the ages-old "Art? Or Unsightly Naughty Bulge?" debate, Orthodox Jews in Israel have joined the long list of groups who are really angry about stuff that Disney does.

1999-08-11

Bees!
At least one man is dead and 60 are injured after a swarm of "Africanized" - or killer - bees attacked villagers in the southern Mexico state of Tabasco and the central state of Nayarit.

1999-08-11

Giant Space Penis Sparks Massive Frenzy in Brazil
This is a great story! It's got a giant, glowing, phallic statue, a gun-toting mayor, random mob violence, death threats against art critics, you name it. This is the sort of thing journalists live for.

1999-08-11

Your Repetition Will Never Be Accepted
The Fall has a new album out. It is like all the 30-odd albums they've put out before. It is real good, and it sounds just like the Fall.

1999-08-07

Will That Be Coffee, Tea or Prozac, Sir?
So, the news media is all up wound up right now about "air rage," it seems. Apparently, airline passengers everywhere are just getting fed up with high prices and bad service and people are just going BAD CRAZY on plane flights all over the world!

1999-08-06

Blur Are Shite
The British band Mogwai has come up with a rather novel marketing scheme. Taking aim at the popular group they'll be sharing headliner status with at an upcoming British rock festival, Mogwai will be selling, at the festival, a shirt inscribed with a simple declaration -- "Blur: Are Shite".

1999-08-05

Pocketful of Poseurs
Haw haw! Not just any random group of navel-gazing, self-obsessed annoying Goth stooges, here are some navel-gazing, self-obsessed, annoying SWISS Goth stooges!

1999-08-05

Lee Roy: So Beautifully Can Be No Man However
I love this page. Comically speaking, it's so drop-dead perfect in its recasting of the old "German guy who speaks very little English translating stuff from German to English" theme that, at first read, it looks like one of the best EuroDuh parodies you've ever encountered. Well, it's NOT. It's REAL.

1999-08-04

Night of the Lenin Dead
Boy, those Russians sure know how to throw a funeral. More than 75 years after his death, the body of Vladimir Ilyich Lenin, Bolshevik hero of the 1917 Russian Revolution, will finally be removed from the Moscow building where it has lain in state since 1924 and buried.

1999-08-03

China Is Bad and Must Now Go Sit in the Corner
Here's some more guys who are real mad about China, except it seems to be Americans this time. Those Chinese guys are real bad, I think.

1999-08-03

Call Yerselves Bloody Professionals?
More fingers are pointing in even more directions in the aftermath of the stoopidest "event" in recent memory, Woodstock '99.

1999-08-03

Incredibly Cool Simulated Animal Torture!
You've got a flatbad scanner, you've got a cat. Once you run out of old porno magazines to scan in, what are you going to do? That's right. The cat.

1999-07-29

Flowers For the Assman
I swear to god, they're just JUMPING RIGHT IN THE BOAT nowadays. Back in the day, when I first started searching the web wide and far for Assmen, they were sort of hard to spot. You had to look between the lines back then, back in, ah, May. But now the wily Assman senses the potential for cheap, pointless celebrity! Something all Assmen crave innately!

1999-07-28

Jandek is Indestructible
Poor Jandek: all he wants is to spend his whole life recording incomprehensible, amateurish music, self-releasing albums about once a year and never playing live, giving interviews or making public appearances, and just plain to be left alone, and now somebody had to go and reveal that he's just some middle-aged guy in a fancy suit.

1999-07-21

Summer Relief From Itching Clown Syndrome
Do you hate clowns? Good, you're normal; clowns are evil and they're only trying to cause trouble.

1999-07-19

The Blair Witch Project: Feelgood Movie of the Year?
Goddamn it all! Those bastards stole my BRAIN! I don't know if I'll even be able to finish this review! FUCKERS!

1999-07-16

Do Math Geeks Dream of Electric Drabble?
Whoa! "Math Humor"! Can you think of anything funnier than math? I know I can't.

1999-07-15

This Is All Herb Caen's Fault
What the HELL is wrong with the pinheads who run San Francisco these days?

1999-07-14

Pacifica Board Ousts KPFA Staff; Hammers Down on Protesters
In an update to our earlier piece detailing the savagery which has ensued since the Pacifica National Board has tried to force unwelcome and restrictive new management and policies on its San Francisco-area flagship station, KPFA, Pigdog has learned that KPFA's entire staff was ejected from the radio station's building tonight, and riot police were called in to forcibly disperse a crowd estimated at approximately 500 protestors gathered in support of the troubled franchise.

1999-07-13

Ayatollah This Was Gonna Happen
Haw haw! Remember those wacky Iranian "students" who held all those people hostage back when Jimmy Carter was President and made all those people like Ted Koppel famous because he got to come on the TV every night and look all worried and go "America Held Hostage! Day 217!" and then he would talk about those bad "students" and what are those "students" going to do and who knows what those "students" want? Well ha ha ha, now those "students" are mad at the Ayatollah!

1999-07-12

It's a Scary Baby Conspiracy, Baby
Now this is the way to do a "Look at the scary, ugly people" site. Besides, we all know that babies are kind of weird and creepy. It's true. You wouldn't want to kiss one if you weren't related to it, and they create frightening noises and smells.

1999-07-12

Ugly, or Just Plain Annoying: Pick One
This site is so mean that I paused for a moment as I started to record it into the Pigdog Data Vault here at Spock Mountain Research Labs: should I put this thing up? Should I give this nasty topfuglypeeps@yahoo.com person credibility?

1999-07-12

Please Enjoy Japanese Life With Soft-Drinks!
Here is having a list of soft-drinking machines around in Tokyo. Having map of machine plus showing information on what to drink from machine, most complete anywhere information.

1999-07-12

Reality Crashes Down in Broomfield
A veritable shitstorm of biblical proportions engulfed Broomfield: City of Crime this week, as a quick glance at the latest Poilce and Fire log showed a rash of barbaric, hate-fueled gutter emotions running unchecked through the once-glorious and peaceful burg.

1999-07-07

Clown Pornography: The Hidden Menace
Hey look! Clown pornography! And you thought it was all a myth like those snuff films! But look at this: CLOWN PORNOGRAPHY. Do I have to spell it out?

1999-07-07

Another Day, Another Dead Guy in a Whale Tank Story
I don't even have a little witty thing to say about this one. It's a dead naked guy found inside a killer whale tank. And it makes me sort of sad.

1999-07-07

God's Movie Critic Gives Thumbs Down to Underwear
This guy is crazy. Not in a good way, either. Crazy in "stop sniffing my buttocks, Mr. Marv Albert" sort of way. These are Christian Movie Reviews, more or less, and nothing in the cinema makes Thomas A. Carder angrier than house fires and adult underwear.

1999-06-29

Columbine Tragedy Takes Turn for Worse
Picture this: it's a benefit concert. It stars Lynyrd Skynyrd. It's a memorial for Columbine massacre victims. It will be beamed live to all Wal-Mart stores in the country. You can pinch yourself, but you won't wake up; once you start screaming, you might not be able to stop... in the Twilight Zone.

1999-06-29

Polar Bears! Whales! Oh My!
A clan of ferocious polar bears are attacking and killing a group of trapped Beluga whales in Northern Canada. WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED TO KNOW?!?

1999-06-29

Saskatchewan Smoking Scandal SHOCKER!
Big big news in Moose Jaw! The city was rocked this week by the biggest scandal to hit town since the closing of the local dairy! A shocking school survey reached the risable realization that multitudes of malingering minors are able to buy cigarettes from almost half the stores in Moose Jaw!

1999-06-29

Dear Jesus, Take My Wife... Please
Here's something you don't get enough of on the web; a whole site apparently devoted to the sorts of "inspirational" stories and poems you normally find in the back pages of TRUE STORY magazine and the intermittent Ann Landers column on a day when Ann is feeling really lazy.

1999-06-18

Another Milkman Bites the Dust
BREAKING NEWS: Moose Jaw milkman Bill Matisz has called it quits after an illustrious 27-year career delivering fine dairy products to the people of Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.

1999-06-17

Der Bra Ist Krazy!
Want a new look for your sagging fraulein? No problem! Buy her the stick-on bra, the latest craze in Germany, the country that gave you Col. Klink, Kraftwerk and the Volkswagen Jetta.

1999-06-16

I Am the Assman! Goo Goo Ga Joob!
Examine the plight of the poor Assman. Left to his own devices the Assman will attempt to express himself through whatever means he has access to. In the case of web-faring Assmen, this often means a web page, usually a simple affair telling some facts about the Assman and the kinds of things which interest the Assman.

1999-06-16

Zany 'Nucks Claim: "We Led NATO Missions"
It wasn't bad enough that Canadia had to go and invent circus peanuts, Tim Allen and that "Are You Being Served" show on the television; now they're claiming that they were the big leader of dropping bombs on the Yugoslavia.

1999-06-16

British Man Dies in Freak Gardening Accident
Usually when you hear someone died in a "freak gardening accident," it means they smoked crack until their eyeballs bled and then threw themselves in front of a bus. But this guy really did die in a freak gardening accident.

1999-06-15

Anthropologists Discover Third Jake Busey Site
Pigdog scientists, working around the clock in shifts, have discovered a new Jake Busey fan site, believed to be just the third such site devoted to the actor.

1999-06-15

New Study Warns Monkeys: Stop Listening to Orbital
A new study conducted by researchers at Johns Hopkins University spells out some bad news for monkeys who are into techno music and all-night raves.

1999-06-11

Harvey Keitel's Life in Danger, Say Experts
According to a new study conducted by researchers at the University of Maryland, people who tend toward bouts of extreme anger, like actor Harvey Keitel, put themselves at risk of high blood pressure or even heart damage.

1999-06-11

Beekeeper Rivalry Turns Deadly
Beekeepers are crazy; we all know that. They wear those big beekeeper suits and those big beekeeper hats and they carry around those smoke pots and make smoke everywhere to make bees angry and they never give you any of their candy when you ask for it. But now those beekeepers have gone too far.

1999-06-10

Haughty Frogs Exposed as Cheap Wine Guzzlers
Far from the refined, cultured, expensive wine drinking snobs they like to portray themselves as, the French are actually a nation of cheap, off the shelf wine buyers, according to the results of a new study on wine purchasing habits.

1999-06-10

The KKK Took My Limey Away
Frustrated by a recent failure on the part of most Americans to view them as anything but socially retarded, brow-sweating thugs, the Ku Klux Klan has undertaken a recruiting campaign in Great Britain, perhaps spurred on by new reports of British hate crimes against naked people.

1999-06-09

Crazy Epidemic in Great Britain
British police officers may soon begin receiving specialized psychiatric training in order to deal with an increasing wave of mentally disturbed people in that country, 6,000 of whom have visited Britain's Royal palaces or written to the Royal Family in the last year alone.

1999-06-09

Big Fat Man Falls Out of Roller Coaster
Although this story is a few weeks old, it was ignored completely by the mainstream media. Why is the media turning a blind eye to the dangers faced by big fat men on roller coasters?

1999-06-04

Pop Singer to Lead NATO Peace Talks in Balkans
In a shocking move, but one bound to be popular with youngsters all over the world, NATO high command has decided to place world famous pop entertainer Michael Jackson in charge of peace talks with Serbian officials aimed at ending strife in that region.

1999-06-03

Pat Robertson is Completely Insane!
That Pat Robertson, he always has something wacky to say! Now he's gone and pissed off a whole country, instead of just an unpopular minority.

1999-06-03

Beer Riot Claims 54 Lives in Belarus
How come when stuff like this happens in a place most people can't find on a map, we have to dig through the back pages of the paper to read about it? I realize location plays a large part in determining how stories get covered here in Amurrica, but can you believe this? FIFTY-FOUR people were killed in a BEER RIOT! If that sort of thing happened in Toledo, we'd be talking about it for years!

1999-06-02

Killer Bees Attack Texas!
The killer bees have made it to Texas! Several residents and assorted domesticated animals in San Antonio were attacked by a huge swarm of angry bees Monday, leaving three unlucky dogs grasping for life.

1999-06-02

Killer Bees Attack Mexico Schoolkids!
For those of us who grew up in the 70s, we've been reading "the killer bees are on their way!" for the last 20 years or so, usually in the National Enquirer or whatnot. But they never seemed to get here.

1999-05-30

Pay No Attention to the Matt Behind the Curtain
Fresh from hooking an Internet audience of Art Bell fanatics with rotten bait on Thursday, America's favorite cub reporter, Matt Drudge, was hot on the trail of an even bigger trout: one that the Las Vegas Review-Journal netted well before Drudge, which still didn't stop him from claiming the prize fish as a "world exclusive" in Saturday's Drudge Report.

1999-05-28

Drudge to Art Bell Fans: Bait, Then Switch
The Internet made Matt Drudge into what he is today: a notorious and popular attack journalist with a following of thousands. After a series of bizarre events last night, though, a good portion of the Internet may want to break him.

1999-05-28

New Jake Busey Fan Site Discovered!
OK, well, not really. But LeeAnne's site has a listing of her favorite actors and actresses and Jake Busey is ON THAT LIST! He's right after Corey Haim and Corey Feldman, as a matter of fact. It's also worth mentioning that LeeAnne is Canadian. Perhaps we should take a moment to reconsider our fears and prejudices towards people from Canadia. Maybe we should stop believing those hoary old wives' tale about how Canadians eat babies and spit on pictures of the Pope.

1999-05-27

How Nature Points Up the Folly of Men
Here's another one of those 'net phenomenon deals that just freaks my shit right out. It's a game. It's a cartoon. It's Hello Kitty with an attitude. It's Pokemon, and it's made for little babies, but ADULTS are all into this shit! Why?!? Please write me and tell me how come.

1999-05-27

The Assman Cometh
I used to think that nobody could possibly call themselves something like "Assman," even in a "Hey looka me everybody -- I gotta lampshade onna my head!" self-deprecating, party animal kind of way. But it's true. LOTS of people want to be the Assman. They probably even live closer to you than you THINK, friend!

1999-05-27

Star Wars Fans Are Big Nerds!
The old (on- and off-net) flame goes, "You've got too much time on your hands," but hardly anyone ever examines the diametric here: if people didn't have the time to build lavish, lovingly intricate web sites full of Star Wars bulldata concerning technology that only exists in a cheesy movie and seems as real to the creator as the specs of the M1A2 Abrams Main Battle Tank, then what else in the world could these saps possibly be occupying their time with? Needlepoint?

1999-05-26

Court Ruling Eases British Impotence Fears
The notoriously flaccid limeys were given a boost to the gonads yesterday when the British High Court ruled that the English government cannot restrict distribution of the anti-impotence drug Viagra through that country's National Health Service.

1999-05-26

Rock Me Dr. Zaius
Remember in the first "Planet of the Apes" movie (the one with Charlton Heston and co-starring a large chunk of the Statue of Liberty) how different types of super-evolved apes represented different types of Ape Planet social stratum?

1999-05-26

Barry Manilow Recovering From Mouth Surgery
"Barry Manilow recovering from mouth surgery." That's all there is to the story, I guess. He had something wrong with his mouth, but now he's doing better.

1999-05-21

Canadian Authorities Cracking Down on Fish Molestation
Reacting swiftly to the current Canuck rage for torturing and humiliating river-dwelling fish, Canadian officials have charged an American TV fishing show host with what is believed to be the first ever case of "Fish Molestation" encountered on the North American continent.

1999-03-31

Fabio Latest Victim of Insane Animal Hostility
Butter-substitute enthusiasts everywhere breathed a huge sigh of relief recently when male supermodel Fabio emerged bloodied but unbowed from a vicious confrontation with a kamikaze goose in Virginia.

1999-03-23

The Ogre Juggernaut Comments on Mr. Bad's Latest [sic] List
This week's list: guest columnist Tjames Madison provides expert analysis on a recent Mr. Bad's List, "Totally Hot Chicks I Want to Get All Freaky With."

1999-01-18

Photo Essay: JedCam Diary
Who is Jed Sanders? Story teller, hillbilly genius, database expert... Why do people call him "America's Favorite"? Find out for yourself by viewing up-to-date pictures of Jed and his shotgun. By the way, did you know that he made the camera that took these pictures HIMSELF, from miscellaneous parts that he found at WeirdStuff Wharehouse in Sunnyvale!! Somehow it all works with RJ-11 phone cord and a piece of wood. Absolutely fantastico!

1998-11-30

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Canadia
Just in time for the holidays, Canadia, our delightful neighbor to the north, invites all patriotic North American continentals to do their Christmas shopping online at "Canada's Shopping Mall", an apparently state-sponsored skinny dip (and what isn't state-sponsored in the Great White North?) into the murky waters of USA-style commerce.

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1999-06-22

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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