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-- Tjames Madison

A Slew of Holiday Favorites!

by Tjames Madison

1999-12-20 04:31:28

Ah, it's that special time of year again. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose, crowded, dangerous streets filled with maniac shoppers rushing to the mall to buy Pokemon action figures, and getting hammered at the Xmas party and insulting the boss's hair weave. That's right: it's time to drink heavily and wait out life's little nagging miseries, holiday variety. Pigdog is here to help.

Just like Martha Stewart, we've got ideas for you to use. Unlike Martha, they all involve evil combinations of alcohol and public drunkeness. Here are a few of our favorite holiday Spocktails:

The Elven Astronaut

  • 2 parts Everclear
  • 3 parts TANG

Pour in the TANG first, then the Everclear.  Stir slowly, with great caution. Thorougly wash hands of Everclear residue and keep away from open flames.  Garnish with mistletoe.  Drink furtively (underneath desk or concealed behind partition or locked door,) discard glass immediately.  Keep bucket handy, cross fingers and prepare for blast-off.  Make "vroom vroom" noises as appropriate.

The Jolly Helper

  • 1 shot Wild Turkey
  • 2 shots Captain Morgan Spiced Rum
  • 1 12 oz. bottle of Sierra Nevada Ale
  • 1 whole grapefruit

In comically oversized glass, mix in first three ingredients.  Smash grapefruit with heavy object or  tinker's hammer and squeeze juice into glass.  Sip slowly, while griping about what a shithead that Santa Claus is.

The Clever Christian

  • 1 fifth bottle Boodles English Gin
  • 1 fifth bottle Herradurra Gold Tequila
  • 1 fifth bottle Ouzo
  • 1 2-liter bottle Coca-Cola

Obtain volunteer job ringing bell for Salvation Army.  After a long day of annoying holiday shoppers with bell, remove donations from bucket and obtain above ingredients from nearest liquor store.  Mix all ingredients in bucket, drink to the gills.  Enter nearest mall.  Serves: everybody right.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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Boy Howdy! That's some damn fine Pigdog!

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