Build Date: Thu Jul 18 20:20:10 2024 UTC

Mommy, why does that bad man of the future have a Spock dildo up his butt?
-- Ben Franklin

Baron Earl

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Pigdog Journal Articles


Dr. Johnny Fever's last set
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song.


SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together.


Gary Busey definitely involved in a hit and run accident
Gary Busey was definitely involved in a hit-and-run accident, but won't face any charges because he's rich and famous.


Gary Busey allegedly involved in Malibu hit-and-run
"Sir! You hit my car! I need your information!" the woman yelled at Gary Busey driving a battered Volvo station wagon before he sped off.


Health and Human Services officials spend a year on pot
After a yearlong, comprehensive, thorough, complete investigation into the effects of marijuana usage, Health and Human Services (HHS) officials recommended that it be moved from Schedule I of the Controlled Substances Act to Schedule III, meaning that the HHS no longer considers cannabis to be a drug with high abuse potential and no medical value.


Bull is my co-pilot
If you've ever wondered what actual bullshit looks like, just check the back side of Lee Meyers' decommissioned police cruiser. Lee chopped the top of the passenger side of the car off so he could take his full-grown Watusi bull, named Howdy Doody, for joy rides around his home town of Neligh, Nebraska. Since the car doesn't have bathroom facilities Howdy Doody just craps all over the back and side of the car whenever he feels the need to let one go.


Self-righteous assholes block highway to Burning Man
A group of self-righteous assholes converted exactly zero people to their cause by blocking the highway to Burning Man this week. The group, which used a flimsy trailer, some lengths of chain, and a few folding chairs to block the road, put up signs including "Burners of the World Unite," but none of the burners stopped in traffic wanted to unite with them for anything.


How much force does it take to pull out nose hair?
Have you ever pulled out a nose hair and felt like part of your brain came with it? Have your eyes watered from the extreme pain? Did you wonder how much force it took? Would you pull out 50 more hairs afterwards, using precise measuring instruments, to determine the answer IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE?


Robotic Red Light District on the move
The next time you take a robotaxi in San Francisco, you may want to bring along some wet wipes, because San Franciscans love to get down and dirty in The City's robotaxis. With no driver to admonish you, or clean up after you, anything goes in the backseats of these love nests on wheels.


Tightening of the scrotum
Tightening of the scrotum is a new trend in plastic surgery. Although the procedure has been rapidly increasing in popularity, no one had thought to scientifically study men's and women's aesthetic preferences as to what makes a good-looking, visually-pleasing scrotum. That oversight has now been corrected, thanks to a study recently published in the Journal of Cosmetic Dermatology.


Cattle mutilations are up again
Six cattle died mysteriously in Texas, with their tongues removed, the hide around one side of their mouths gone and no blood spilled. In two cases, the animals' genitalia and anuses had been removed with a circular cut that the sheriff's office said had been made with the "same precision as the cuts noted around the jaw lines of each cow." This is obviously the work of aliens from another planet.


Goddamn Toothpaste Marketing Department Fuckwads
I like the flavor of peppermint, tolerate spearmint, and absolutely hate wintergreen. So why can’t toothpaste companies label their products so I know which of those three very different mint flavors they’re putting in the tube?


3D-printed Cheesecake Squirts from Tubes
This week engineers at Columbia University unveiled the world's nastiest-looking cheesecake. The engineers were very proud of their creation which used 3D-printing to squirt layers of goo into an approximately triangular shape that looks like something you will never willingly put into your mouth.


German Brewery Creates Powdered Swill
German brewery Klosterbrauerei Neuzelle has developed what it's calling "powdered beer". Add the powder to a glass of water and you get a glass of what looks and smells like beer. What they're not telling people are the serious downsides of their new beverage, drawbacks that offend the palate and sensibilities of beer drinkers everywhere. What they've invented is swill.


Every Parent's Worst Nightmare
"What do you do when your bright, loveable [sic], talented kid turns into a punker overnight? The Nelsons are about to find out." promises the tag line from The Day My Kid Went Punk, an ABC Afterschool Special from 1987.


It's hot out, time to cool off with a frozen slab of smokey, hot-dog flavored gelato on a stick, Oscar Mayer's newest fresh-from-the-freezer treat, the Cold Dog.


Canadians just as stupid as Americans, study finds
The self-proclaimed Queen of Canada Romana Didulo, who claims that she secretly runs Canada "behind the scenes," recently issued royal decrees to abolish Canadian income tax and declare that water and electricity in Canada are now free of charge. She also told her 70,000 Telegram followers to stop paying their utility bills.


Florida Man files petition to ban Bibles from school libraries
The Republican majority Florida legislature recently passed the Stop WOKE Act (HB 7), which prohibits teaching Critical Race Theory in schools, and the "Don't Say Gay" bill, which bans any materials or class instruction involving gender and sexual orientation. Since last July over 200 books have been banned. Chaz Stevens wants to add book to the banned list which is even more dangerous to young, impressionable minds, The Bible.


Amazon HQ2 building approved by Arlington County
The Arlington County Board gave unanimous approval Saturday to Amazon's plans to build a unique, buttplug-shaped tower as the centerpiece of its emerging second headquarters in northern Virginia. The new Amazon headquarters design takes inspiration from the brief love affair between The Flying Bum and Jeff Bezo's Penis Rocket.


Paywall no more!
At Pigdog we post links to the best crap on the Internet, but sometimes the premium crap is behind a paywall, there to block you from reading the crap we link to until you fork over some moolah for a subscription to their crap site, just so you can read more crap! The good folks over at have a solution -- a cyberladder that will scale a paywall, letting you climb right over and read all of the crap you want, without forking over anything.


Now they're drinking their own urine
Without a winking smiley face or other indication that you're joking, it is impossible to parody an anti-vaxxer in such a way that someone won't mistake a joke for something that a sincere anti-vaxxer truly believes.


QAnon idiot dies after being idiotic
Cirsten Weldon said that only idiots get vaxxed. She recorded videos of herself yelling at people standing in line to get vaccinated, which she posted to one of her on-line accounts where she spouted QAnon conspiracy theories to tens of thousands of followers.


Wayne County GOP canvasser William Hartmann dies from COVID-19
William Hartmann, one of the two Republican election officials from Michigan who initially refused to certify the results of the 2020 presidential election in Wayne County, outspoken anti-vaxxer and prominent knowledge-denier, is dead from COVID-19. Twitter was quick to respond with heartfelt messages of condolence.


Governor Greg Abbott kills Texas voters using incompetence
Doctors in Texas are pointing out the obvious. As Dr. David Portugal, a cardiologist in Sugarland, Texas said, "Governor Abbott has failed us. A republican state legislature has failed us. These leaders should be held accountable and be asked to explain how they can justify taking actions that are killing their fellow Texans."


Jeff Bezos' penis rocket locks onto target
The Airlander 10 aka "the flying bum", a hybrid helium airship built by Hybrid Air Vehicles in central England, will no longer schedule test flights when Jeff Bezos' Blue Origin Penis Rocket is shooting off.


August has been a hard month for anti-vax radio hosts
Florida resident Marc Bernier, host of the right wing talk show The Marc Bernier Show, opponent of science and vaccinations of all kinds, died from COVID-19 yesterday. His last public tweet on July 30th compared the U.S. Government to Nazi's [sic] for encouraging people to get vaccinated.


Conservative radio host Phil Valentine dies of COVID-19 after mocking vaccines
Although conservative radio host Phil Valentine mocked the virus and the vaccine on his radio show, as soon as he was the one in the emergency room he quickly had a change of heart. Valentine was a skeptic of the vaccine, but his brother Mark told a local news station in Nashville that Phil regretted not getting the shot soon after he was hospitalized.


Anti-vax Texas couple die from COVID, leaving behind 4 children
According to Dottie Jones, Lydia Rodriguez's cousin, "They weren't careless. They quarantined. They masked. But they didn't get the vaccine."


Vaccine-hesitant but pro-livestock meds
In a surprise move Sunday the FDA announced that human beings are not cows or horses.


Good news everyone!
More good news for the fully vaccinated: According to the CDC there have been no deaths from COVID-19 for 99.999% of all fully-vaccinated Americans. Nearly all deaths from the disease are now due to unvaccinated people getting infected and then drowning in their own bodily fluids as their lung tissue gets infected and dies.


Another One Bites the Dust
Prominent anti-vax, right wing talk show host, and part-time Newsmax anchor Dick "Dickhead" Farrel had been urging his listeners to avoid getting vaccinated for months. Dick called Dr. Anthony Fauci a "power-tripping, lying freak" who was part of a conspiracy of "power trip lib loons" because of Fauci's efforts to try to keep people from dying. Dick finally changed his tune this week after coming down with a serious case of being dead after getting infected with COVID-19.


Zero Fucks Given
On Friday July 31, 2020, Texas State Republican Executive Committee member and Dickinson City Council member H. Scott Apley posted yet another meme mocking COVID-19 and vaccination on his Facebook page. On Sunday August 1st he was admitted to a hospital for pneumonia-like symptoms, tested positive for COVID-19, and was placed on a ventilator. On Wednesday he was dead from COVID-19.


Sonic Assault
You're grooving to some groovy tunes on your favorite music streaming service when... bam... you're knocked out of your reverie by the Most Annoying Song in the World. You didn't ask for it, you didn't choose it, and the music streaming service's AI didn't pick it because it's similar to 5 other songs you recently played. The AI chose that specific moment to ruin the mood with the "1-877-Kars4Kids" jingle for one reason only: to get you to pony up for a paid subscription.


Ultimate Shit 'N Slide
NBC's production of the Ultimate Slip 'N Slide TV show had to be shut down this week after approximately 40 crew and cast members fell violently ill with "awful explosive diarrhea."


Expensify files for their IPO
Expensify filed for their IPO the other day. As required by law they released a statement describing their S-1 filing with the SEC. The announcement was rather dry and formal and legal, as such announcements are, so to give it some zing they had a three-eyed spokesperson read it while eating fish food and gold coins on a 97 second Twitter video.


Florida Teacher Sex Scandal
An anonymous student at a school in Florida sent a letter to the school administrators alleging that a school employee was having sex with one of the students. A teacher at the school posted on Facebook they also had knowledge about the employee who was having sex with a student. The school employee's own Twitter account contained messages in favor of white supremacy and racial segregation. The employee was never arrested, fired, or even reprimanded.


Cashing in your Cheetos
Depending on whether you've smoked a bowl of some supreme weed, eaten some psilocybin mushrooms, or microdosed on LSD, a Cheeto can take on a life of it's own. Appearing to some as a duck or a character from Game of Thrones, rare Cheeto aficionados are taking their delicious miniature sculpted cheesy discoveries and selling them off on EBay to the highest bidder, raking in tens of dollars.


Gary Busey Pet Judge
This may be the greatest show of all time...


Alex Jones wants to eat his neighbor's ass
Never the most stable human-like being, Alex Jones recently spent some time on his show ranting about wanting to eat his neighbor's ass. @ParkerMolloy took the rant and set it to jazz.


Blue Flame Medical smells like a Republican Scam
Maryland officials are looking into whether or not a company named after the colloquial term for lighting fart gas on fire is nothing but a scam.


Vampire Squirrel Terrorizes Texas Town
A crazy, bad ass vampire squirrel is attacking residents in a small Texas neighborhood, making residents stay inside with their doors locked.


Trump says Pelosi should have impeached the President
In an interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer, Trump says Nancy Pelosi should impeach the President for telling lies.


Trump claims the President wants to start a war to win the election
According to Donald Trump, "Our President will start a war with Iran because he has absolutely no ability to negotiate, he's weak and he's ineffective. So the only way he figures that he's going to get re-elected, and as sure as you're sitting there, is to start a war with Iran."


Security hole in Windows 7 allows users to patch security holes
When Windows 7 reaches its end of life on January 14, 2020, only users that pay Microsoft Extra Money for Updates (EMU) will continue to receive security updates.


Giant Space Penises
Filmmaker Trevor Anderson's short film Docking debuted at the 2019 Sundance Film Festival. While the film is intended as a metaphor for Anderson's relationship issues, it will be remembered as the film with two giant, photorealistic space penises traveling between the stars.


Ted Nelson's Junk Mail
Ted Nelson invented hypertext and spent years developing and promoting Xanadu, a "digital repository scheme for world-wide electronic publishing." Using modern web technology you can read his old junk mail.


Slap Kirk!
In the classic ST:TOS episode Plato's Stepchildren, Captain Kirk slaps himself in the face. A lot. Can you slap Kirk more than Kirk? There's a video game where you can try.


The End of the World
A Western TV show from 1958 with creepy, uncanny similarities to our current plight. A con man named Trump claims he is the only one who can save a small Texas town from impending doom -- by building a wall.


Pork Cake recipe discovered at the Internet Archive
Nothing says CAKE like glistening slabs of greasy salt pork.


Does anyone care about being wrong about Appalachia?
Elizabeth Catte's new book What You Are Getting Wrong About Appalachia promises to tell readers that whatever they learned from reading Hillbilly Elegy is wrong.


Top Ten Reasons Morrissey Canceled a Show
How many shows of his U.S. Tour can Morrissey complete before he cancels one? We now know the answer is THREE. Morrissey just started his Fall 2017 U.S. tour and managed to complete three entire shows before canceling his show at the Vina Robles Amphitheatre in Paso Robles, California at the last minute.


Mojo Nixon: Still Performing
Over 30 years after first appearing on the music scene with hits such as Stuffin' Martha's Muffin and Elvis is Everywhere, psychobilly sensation Mojo Nixon is still performing in front of live audiences. His latest musical masterpiece, Donald Trump Can Suck My Dick is now charting on YouTube.


Please Continue...
Experimenter is a film released in 2015 starring Peter Sarsgaard. It tells the story of Dr. Stanley Milgram's life, including the infamous Milgram electric shock experiment, tests on crowds, and his work developing a theory on the mechanics of social networks. It currently streams on Netflix.


UK Ministry of Defense redacts classified info by changing background color to black
The UK Ministry of Defence released classified documents about its nuclear submarines. The documents were requested under the British Freedom of Information Act. Any still-classified information in the documents was supposed to be redacted, except that the government official in charge of releasing the documents didn't grasp that changing the background color to black does not actually remove any of the redacted text.


Meat Cocktails
From the Smoked Tomato Martini to the Bacon Mezcal Margarita, bars across Southern California are combining meat and alcohol in the same glass, giving birth to a beautifully bloated abomination, the meat cocktail.


San Francisco Uber Alles
On April 12th the San Francisco Entertainment Commission will be considering new rules proposed by the San Francisco Police Department for any event in the city where 100 or more people are expected to gather. Some of proposed rules include mandatory scanning of all patrons by metal detectors, scanning, recording, and storing the personal data from every patron's drivers license, providing that data to local law enforcement upon request (no warrant or crime required), and hiring private security guards for every event (preferably off-duty SFPD officers).


General Electric: Corporation with Benefits
GE reported global profits of $14.2 billion with $5.1 billion of the total from U.S. operations. Its American tax bill? LESS THAN ZERO. Based on tax laws which G.E. lobbyists helped to write, G.E. managed to claim a tax benefit of $3.2 billion.


SF Chronicle finds a new way to keep subscribers
The San Francisco Chronicle has found a new way to keep their newspaper subscribers from canceling their subscriptions -- they don't provide a "Cancel Subscription" option on the Subscriber Services page.


IE6 Down for the Count
Microsoft finally admits it: Internet Explorer 6 is a shitty, shitty browser. According to the new Microsoft web site The Internet Explorer 6 Countdown: "Friends don't let friends use Internet Explorer 6. And neither should acquaintances. Educate others about moving off of Internet Explorer 6." By educate they mean "move to IE9", but why not give these poor IE6 users a real helping hand, and help move them to Firefox or Chrome?


UFO over Brazil causes cameraman to take shaky, out-of-focus pictures
The damn ay-leens are at it again, using their mind-rays to cause a cameraman to forget everything he knows about operating a video camera -- how to focus, how to hold the camera steady, how to frame his subject.


iPad2 brings new possibilities for porn
All of San Francisco's most cutting-edge masturbators gathered at the Yerba Buena Center for the Arts today for the unveiling of the iPad2 from Apple, a device which promises to revolutionize porn creation and delivery.


Caesar's Palace show combines glitz, tits, and Absinthe
Combine "Roman Plaza", "speakeasy", "beer garden", "drinking games", "theater-in-the-round", "mirrors", "stained glass" and "velvet" with "Adult Show" and "90-minute performance" and you get the latest entertainment experience "Absinthe" from Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas.


Beaujolais named French wine of the year
Normally enjoyed for it's quick buzz and skull-crack hangover, Beaujolais is not known as a wine savored so much as swilled. That may be changing because Georges Duboeuf Morgon Domaine Mont Chavy 2009 Beaujolais was named French wine of the year by some wine snob. Whether that means that this Beaujolais is a fine wine or that every other French offering tastes like donkey ball sweat is a matter of opinion.


Canadian scientists theorize about pint glasses of neutron star superfluid extract
When Canadian scientists get all hot and bothered about a cooling neutron star in the constellation Cassiopeia, their thoughts quickly turn to glasses of superfluid.


San Francisco to Honor President Bush
Naming schools, public buildings, and city streets after politicians and presidents is a long and honored tradition in this country. With President Bush slated to leave office in just a few more months, residents of San Francisco are already gearing up with a ballot initiative to rename a public facility after our departing 43rd President. If the ballot measure passes, San Francisco's shit will be processed by the George W. Bush Sewage Plant.


Bush Announces Economic Stimulus Plan, Stock Markets Plunge
On Friday President Bush announced an economic stimulus plan. The plan was short on details, vague on implementation, fuzzy about who would be helped, but sharply targeted when it came to how many taxpayer dollars should be spent -- about one percent of the nation's GDP -- somewhere between $140 and $150 billion dollars.


Live from Macworld 2008
I have been camped outside Moscone Center, waiting for Macworld Expo to open, since 4:00 in the morning. Not this morning, since 4:00 in the morning January 4th. I had to be in line so I could be among the first to hear what new products Steve Jobs would announce. Getting a report two minutes after the announcement from someone's blog or just wouldn't do. I had to be FIRST. I had to hear it FIRST, directly from Steve Jobs.

This day could change my life.


Rev. CyberSatan Allegedly Burns the Man
Pigdog contributor Reverend CyberSatan, aka Paul Addis, was brought up on charges of arson for allegedly setting fire to The Man at Burning Man early Tuesday morning. The Man, which is basically a large pile of wood and other flammable material designed to be burned to the ground this coming Saturday night, caught fire in the early hours of Tuesday morning. When The Man is burned this coming Saturday night, it will mark the culmination of the week long festival. It will be art. It will be a party. However, if you burn it on a Tuesday, the powers-that-be call it arson.


Torture: It's not just for witches anymore!
During the second Republican Presidential Debate each of the candidates was given a hypothetical "impending doom from terrorists" scenario and asked if they would use torture to extract information from prisoners who might have some information about a possible imminent attack. The answers ranged from "yes" to "absolutely yes" to Mitt Romney's "yes, as long as we refer to torture as 'enhanced interrogation techniques'." John McCain was the lone dissenter stating categorically "no". Too bad John McCain doesn't know his history. Torture was used to stop terrorism here before there was a USA. In 1692 the town of Salem, Massachusetts was being terrorized, and they successfully used torture to stop the terror.


Fucked in the Head Preacher Dead at 73
Raving loony Jerry Falwell finally died. He was 73 years old. When he wasn't warning parents that one of the Teletubbies was advocating a gay lifestyle, or blaming "the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians ... the ACLU (and) People for the American Way" for the September 11th attacks, he was working hard as hell to twist the words of Jesus Christ to justify his small-minded, intolerant and bigoted beliefs.


Terms and Conditions
Most people are familiar with Google AdSense, which produces the ubiquitous column of text ads that appear on just about every web site that's trying to scrape up some advertising dollars. The flip side of this service is called AdWords, where Google takes money from advertisers so that those advertisers appear in Google search results and on AdSense pages. What most people don't know is that Google is perfectly willing to take money from AdWords advertisers selling things that they prohibit their AdSense publishers from publishing.


Power of the Press
Bowing to pressure brought on by Pigdog Journal, the Minneapolis Metropolitan Airports Commission has finally caved. Passengers disembarking at the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport can breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that they can now catch a cab no matter how much booze they're carrying.


The MAN-tini
It was New Year's Eve and I wanted a signature drink I could hand to my guests. Something that they would accept with no fuss, drink quickly, and then want another. A drink simple enough that I could explain the recipe quickly -- thereby annointing each new guest as a bartender capable of making the drink -- and freeing me to enjoy myself. So I created The MAN-tini...


The Night I Met the President
It was late at night on September 4, 1975 and my mom woke me up. "We're going to go see the President" she said.


Drive no wine before its time
Discrimination involving Muslims has surfaced at an airport in Minnesota, but rather than fighting it airport officials are doing their best to institutionalize this blatant discrimination and make it their official policy.


Anal Flashlight Rape Protects Freedom
Former Attorney General John Ashcroft said he makes "no apologies" for finding every legal way to protect the public, which includes anally-raping suspects with flashlights until their asses bleed.


Secret Service Agents say Cheney was Drunk
Secret Service Agents have reportedly stated that Vice President Dick Cheney was drunk at the time he shot Harry Whittington on a hunting trip two weeks ago. The day and a half delay in letting law enforcement onto the ranch to interview the hunting party gave the group plenty of time to sober up.


Passport Insecurity
With the growing identity theft problem in the United States, why is the government moving ahead with a technology that gives identity thieves another way to steal your personal data and allows terrorists to pick individual Americans out of crowds?


The First Rule of Pillow Fight Club is...
... tell everyone about the upcoming pillow fight. It also helps to show up with a pillow and not to hit people without pillows. Much simpler rules than the movie version with the similar name, and a lot more fun.


Critcism of the Bush Administration is Sedition
The U.S. Department of Veteran's Affairs is investigating Laura Berg, one of their staffers, for the crime of sedition after Berg wrote a "letter to the editor" in a local Albuquerque paper criticising the Bush Administration.


Bush Orders Wiretaps
When asked about his authorization of wiretaps within the United States today, President Bush responded "Do I have the legal authority to do this? And the answer is, absolutely." Considering the past mistakes and omissions of this administration it's worthwhile to check and see if what the President says is true. Unsurprisingly, he's wrong again.


Hufu for the Holidays
It's Thanksgiving time again, and if you've got vegan relatives coming to visit, you need to serve them something. If you want to make sure they never visit again, forget the Tofurky, and serve them up a steaming plate of HufurkyTM!


A Bright Future for Narcissistic Cannibals
Researchers in the Netherlands are working on making vat-grown meat cheap and plentiful. Their dream is to put a meat-maker in every home, allowing people to grow their own meat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Currently their research is focused on growing pork, but what about the possibility of growing and eating the other white meat, your own flesh?


Displaying PDF Files in Mozilla
At some point, my Mozilla browser stopped displaying PDF files. When I first installed it, I could view PDF files in a tabbed browser window just fine, but somewhere along the upgrade path viewing PDFs just stopped working.


Kudzu Kooler
According to a new Harvard-affiliated study, taking tablets made from kudzu makes people drunker than just drinking alone. In the spirit of scientific inquiry, Pigdog Bevertology Labs™ obtained some raw kudzu leaves and created our latest Spocktail of the Week™: the Kudzu Kooler.


Canadians Pick Greatest Canadians
The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation is having a contest to nominate the 100 GREATEST CANADIANS OF ALL TIME. In at #3 is Don Cherry, a hockey announcer. Is this really the best that Canada can come up with?


Batman Stops Runaway Car
An actor playing the role of Batman in an upcoming movie stopped a runaway car from damaging the movie set.


Just Responding to the Bat Signal
A man dressed as Batman managed to evade security at Buckingham Palace in London and scale the wall of the palace. Police on the scene were able to determine that the man was not a terrorist due to the fact that he looked funny.


Ed's Shirt
It was Friday night at the Casa de Baron and everything was in place -- a group of friends had assembled, people were setting things on fire in the backyard, and a Ferry Corsten double-live CD was playing on the stereo. Everything was in place to make further scientific advances in beverage research and leisure technology.


Pope thinks Bush may be the Antichrist
According to an article in the New Catholic Times, the Pope thinks that George W. Bush may be the Antichrist as depicted in the Book of Revelations.


We Must Not Think Bad Thoughts
In February Microsoft released a "critical update" for the Windows OS. Usually "critical" means "security-related", as in, "If you don't install this, your computer will be wide-open to some brutal exploits." This time, however, the "critical update" cleansed Bookshelf 7 font files of "unacceptable symbols."


Cheap Gas for Everyone
Tired of bitching about high gas prices and want to do something about them instead? Here's a sure-fire way that your direct action can bring prices at the pump down.


Help Reclaim the Public Domain
Would you like to have a positive impact on copyright law, take a stand against corporate greed, and help put works back in the public domain that belong there? Lawrence Lessig needs your story.


Bush Manages a Complete Sentence
Today on national television, President George W. Bush managed to utter a complete sentence that was grammatically correct and contained only words found in the English language.


Pain Killers Can Cause Frequent Headaches
Doctors from the Long Island Jewish Hospital found in a study that some people who take pain killers for headaches get headaches more frequently.


Not Enough Walken
I went and saw The Stepford Wives over the weekend. Every now and then I like to see a movie on its opening weekend, and it doesn't really matter what the movie is. I just like sitting in the dark in the 6th or 7th row back from the screen and getting totally absorbed in the movie. If the theater is packed and the movie gets a reaction from the audience – audible gasps, groans, or guffaws – so much the better. Unfortunately, The Stepford Wives was a rotten remake of a low-budget 1975 B-movie, and even Christopher Walken's presence didn't save the film.


Romulan Highball
On a hot spring night after dinner and before the night's serious drinking begins, a Romulan Highball really hits the spot.


What Wine Goes with Dick?
Back in December 2002 we reported on how the German cannibal Armin Meiwes found a willing victim on the Internet whom he slaughtered and ate -- with the victim's help. The trial just ended, the verdict is in, and the jurors have ruled that Meiwes is not guilty... of murder.


CBS Wipes Corporate Ass on 1st Amendment, Flushes Fairness Doctrine
As anyone who's followed the antics of Adbusters or PETA knows, it's hard to buy airtime for your commercials if your message conflicts with the world view of television executives. Now has joined the ranks of the rejected when CBS refused to air MoveOn's paid ad Bush in 30 Seconds during this year's Super Bowl.


Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Curtain
After a couple of weeks of tense negotiations between the Executive Branch of the United States Government, the CIA, the NSA, the SRO, the FBI, and multiple intelligence services of the DOD, it was revealed this weekend that the CIA would serve as the official scapegoat for the various intelligence "goofs" passed off as "facts" leading up to the invasion of Iraq.


New Twist on Searching for New Twist
When was the last time some company produced a new Search Engine and you actually gave a shit?


An American's Dilemma
I would like to see Iraq without Saddam Hussein or his heirs in power.

I would like to see sanctions against Iraq lifted -- but only after Saddam is gone. I would not want someone like Saddam Hussein to be able to spend the oil wealth of Iraq on weapons that might be used against the citizens of my country. I would like to see the oil wealth of Iraq spent on making the lives of Iraqi citizens better.


10 Reasons to Get Your Crypto Working Now
Need a New Year's Resolution worth keeping? How about "This is the year I start encrypting everything"? Your e-mail, your hard disk contents, your boot sector, your web browsing, your porn. Encrypt it all. Here are 10 reasons why you need to start encrypting everything you do.


Vulcan Bloodtini
I mixed up this concoction a few weeks ago and can't get it out of my mind. It's green and sweet and delicious and looks great in a clear sports bottle, which won't spill when you pass out on the lawn after drinking the entire bottle through a Crazystraw.


Penis Flambé
The personal ad on the Internet read "Seeking young, well-built 18- to 30-year-old for slaughter." It didn't say that you had to flambé your own penis and eat it too...


Santarchy 2002
Every year Santas get together all over the globe to bring children presents, to offer tidings of joy, and TO RAMPAGE IN YOUR BUNGHOLE LIKE DEMONS FROM HELL during an annual bachanalia known as SANTARCHY!


Drunken Elephants go on Murderous Rampage
At least six people are dead in the Indian state of Assam after being trampled to death by a herd of drunken elephants.


The Jury is in on the Elcomsoft Trial
When Dmitry Sklyarov, a programmer employed by the Russian software firm Elcomsoft, was arrested by federal agents in July of 2001 for giving a speech in which he talked about how Adobe's eBook content could be copied, a series of nationwide protests followed, targeting Adobe offices and Federal Buildings.


Pavement Soaked in Blood After Vicious Squirrel Attack
In yet another squirrel attack, a small girl in England was brutally assaulted by a gray squirrel. The squirrel sank its fangs into the girl's forehead, blood sprayed from the wound, the girl spun round and round, but the squirrel would not release its death grip. Finally the girl's mother wrestled her to the ground and forced the squirrel to withdraw.


Scary Squirrel Shorts Senior's Circuits
In a daring kamikaze attack on a senior citizen's center, a squirrel blew up a power transformer and an electrical panel by throwing himself into the transformer's wiring, causing mass panic and forcing an emergency evacuation of the center.


I recently went and saw the movie Barbershop. For those of you who don't know, it's a PG-rated comedy about a barbershop in Chicago's South Side run by Ice Cube. It's not going to win any Academy Awards, but it's fairly funny and it has some good performances. It also pissed off Jesse Jackson, who asked producers to delete scenes from the film's future videotape, DVD, and cable releases. The scenes Jackson wants removed question the "sacred" status of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Rosa Parks and Jesse Jackson himself.


The Perfect Rum Drink
Suru and I were at the local supermarket recently when we found ourselves in the booze isle, surrounded by rum. Banana rum, coconut rum, vanilla rum, unfiltered run, Jamaican rum, rum, rum, and more rum. We bought one of each and started experimenting...


Is that uranium in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
After much fanfare and hype this weekend over a container with 33 pounds of "weapons-grade uranium" found in Turkey, we now know two things: When measuring the weight of a substance, you should SUBTRACT the weight of its 32.7 pound LEAD CONTAINER, and before announcing that you have "weapons-grade uranium", you should make sure that what you have is actually uranium, and not ZINC, MANGANESE, IRON, and ZIRCONIUM.


Cut 'n Paste
I don't know what it is about the Germans and their fixation on creating a master race, but yet another German scientist wants to create a new, improved human being. Germans have tried this before, and the results were Not Good. At least the human beings this German scientist is working on are dead before he starts cutting them up.


San Francisco Supremo
The San Francisco City board of Supervisors voted to put a measure on the November ballot that would have city officials explore the idea of growing marijuana on city land and distributing it to ill patients.


Goatsucker Unemployed in Argentina
Known throughout Central and South America as the "Chupacabra", they suck the blood from living goats, draining them dry and leaving them dead. Times are hard everywhere, and the downturn in the Argentine economy left one goatsucker with no choice but to apply for unemployment benefits.


But Do You Have to Turn Saddam Over Halfway Through?
Like a child on Christmas morning who can't wait to play with his new toys, the U.S. military is hoping to test out new microwave weaponry for the first time in a war with Iraq.


Bay Area Fastrak System Tracks You
Through a system of soon-to-be installed receivers mounted on signs along freeways throughout the San Francisco Bay Area, the Fastrak system will soon be able to track individual cars, and could offer law enforcment officials the ability to track the whereabouts of known trouble-makers and other bad people of the future.


Candy Trains Future Fellators
The Fr-ooze pop is a hard candy sucker in the shape of a dildo. When you squeeze the base, gooey sugary goodness oozes out of the hard, rounded tip. It's currently being marketed directly to children in Singapore via television ads placed on cartoon shows.


Woman Forced to Drink Own Breast Milk
One recent addition to airport security measures has been to force passengers to take a sip from any open containers of liquids they may be carrying, to prove that the liquid is harmless. The law of unintended consequences was in full force when a Long Island woman was forced to drink from each of three bottles of her own breast milk in front of other passengers before boarding her plane.


I Don't Feel Any Safer
A woman is suing Delta Airlines for publicly humiliating her after a vibrator she bought in Las Vegas started buzzing in her luggage.


An Eggcellent Idea!
Dr. Dick Wool, head of the University of Delaware's Affordable Composites from Renewable Sources program (ACRES), has produced a computer chip made from soybean resin and chicken feathers crafted into a composite material that looks and feels like silicon.


Canadian Women Not Good Enough
Up in the Great White North that is British Columbia, Canadia, one lonely man decided that the local women just weren't to his liking, so he dressed up his dogs in women's underwear and fucked them instead. What's really got Canadian authorities irked though, is the fact that the dogs ended up dead in the process.


Fuck that Job!
With the dot-com economy in the toilet, companies far and wide are taking advantage of the availability of cheap labor willing to do just about anything to keep the groceries coming in. Just how far down can they push the salaries of the graphic artists, the programmers, the ad copy writers of the world? Can you believe that they're hoping you'll work for FREE?


Real or Fake?
The web has endless personality tests, "Am I ___ or not?" tests, and polls of every sort. Now a Russian with a sense of humor has come up with a test that you'll actually ENJOY taking. Really.


India and Pakistan - Strongly Preparing for the War
I received an e-mail from a friend of mine in India a few days ago. Raghu and I used to work together at a (now defunct) dot-com. He was the head DBA, and I managed all of the web infrastructure. Since Raghu didn't have a car and he lived nearby, I used to give him rides back and forth from work. We got to know each other pretty well.


The Laughing Swede
About 14 years ago when I was on a road trip and stopped in Seattle, I was invited to a party. At this party there were these little tiny glasses sitting in a flat-bottomed bowl of ice. Thin cylinders about an inch in diameter and 4 inches tall, with thick glass at the bottom. Into these were poured frozen AKVAVIT... also known as the water of life.


Mars Slushie!
In a suprise move today NASA scientists released data from the 2001 Mars Odyssey spacecraft showing that water -- trapped as ice just under the Martian surface -- exists in large quantities on the red planet. According to scientists, enough water exists to fill Lake Michigan twice over, if you don't mind filling it with slushy red mud.


Brian Cooley is an Idiot
The radio station Brian Cooley is on claims to be a news station. Brian Cooley's web page claims that he has a "long history of delivering engaging newscasts and absurd antics." So which is it? Is Brian supposed to be delivering entertainment or is he delivering news? Is anyone at CNET bright enough to know the difference?


Key Lime Spocktail
Tastes like key lime pie, gets you hammered like nobody's business: Introducing the Key Lime Spocktail!


Neil Young says Freedom is a Bad Idea
Neil Young shocked a left-wing group called People for the American Way when he stated "... to protect freedom it seems that we're going to have to relinquish some of our freedoms for a short period of time."


So, your computer is sitting there, idle, doing nothing but wasting power. What if you could take those spare CPU cycles and do something useful with them? Rather than crack codes or search for extraterrestrial life, you could join thousands of others and help track down the elusive Yeti using this special software...


16 Hours of Hell
Could you survive 16 hours in a Home Depot? A bet is made, a line is drawn, the line is crossed. This is the story of one man's journey into the heart of darkness.


How to Take Out a Suspension Bridge
How would one take out a suspension bridge? You could ram an airplane into it, but it's harder than ever to commandeer an airplane these days. Also, unlike tall buildings that fill the skyline, where you have a pretty good chance of hitting your target, bridges are low to the ground and don't have much of a vertical cross-section. Trying to hit one with a 747 wouldn't be impossible, but it would be difficult.


Liff Long and Prothper
After long hours spent with William Shatner, filming the original Star Trek series, Leonard Nimoy found solace and comfort in a bottle.


How a Bad U.S. Law becomes a Bad International Law
If you've been paying attention for these last few weeks, you know by now that the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) is a rotten piece of law with over-zealous, unconstitutional restrictions on researchers. Finding a flaw in some company's copy protection software, or discussing that flaw in public, could land you in jail. Not content to wreck the U.S. Constitution, Hollywood's lawyers are now trying to incorporate the DMCA's restrictions into international law by getting its provisions added to the Free Trade Area of the Americas (FTAA) treaty.


Dmitry Sklyarov Bail Hearing on Monday - More Protests Planned
On MONDAY, AUGUST 6TH, Dmitry Sklyarov will be given a bail hearing in a San Jose courtroom. Here's what you can do to help get Dmitry set free...


Blurry Sharp Meltdown
When you've been up all night sampling other Spocktails and guzzling absinthe, you need a morning pick-me-up with some KICK. Time for a tall glass of Blurry Sharp Meltdown!


Jet-powered Beer Cooler
Simon Jansen had an idea to keep his Guinness extra cool in his hot New Zealand shed. Since a liquid converting to a gas draws heat away from its surroundings, and since a jet engine converts a lot of liquid fuel to gas before burning it, why not combine a jet engine with a beer cooler? Fantastico!


Solar-powered Corpse Cooker
"When my grandmother died we took her to the Towers Of Silence. Four men carried the body into one of the towers. I heard the harsh cry of the vultures and knew that in a matter of minutes they would strip the flesh from the bones. The skeleton would then lie under the fierce glare of the tropical sun until it calcified, after which the powdery remains would be cast into a central well and seep into the Earth. I wasn't revolted because we have been doing it for centuries. And my grandmother wanted it this way." -- Homi Dastur, deputy executive secretary of the Hindu Bharatiya Vidya Bhavan


Kinky Co-workers
What's your boss really checking out when she's surfing the web? How about Lenny in accounting? Or Sheila the new temp-without-a-cause? Knowing who shares your kinks is vital when you want to know which co-workers you should become better acquainted with, and a little inside information can go a long way.


More Protests Scheduled for Monday
Still more protests demanding the release of Dmitry Sklyarov are scheduled for MONDAY, JULY 30TH, around the country. Protests will be happening in San Francisco, Boston, Chicago, Los Angeles, Minneapolis, New York, and Seattle.


Free Dmitry Sklyarov - March on the Feds!
After Monday's demonstrations, Adobe has decided that it no longer wishes to see Dmitry Sklyarov in prison. However, since the charges against him are criminal, not civil, the feds are keeping Dmitry on ice for now.


Piranha Not Piranha
What kind of a sick fuck would release their pet piranha into a lake where kids like to swim and fish?


Impressions of Protest
The protest to free Dmitry Sklyarov was outstanding. The turnout was huge. I got there late. TOTAL COVERAGE means lots of pictures. We have 'em. Best of all, Adobe backed down!


Now Hiring!
Ever wanted to work long hours for no pay at one of the most dangerous jobs in the world? A job where your only chance of getting ahead is to give some head? A job that's pure murder? Now's your chance!


AOL-Netscape Abandons Focus on the Browser
"The browser is a crown jewel. However, six months from now, you won't consider Netscape to be a browser company," said Netscape President Jim Bankoff in a recent interview. In short, Netscape is throwing in the towel and will no longer compete with Microsoft's Internet Explorer in the browser wars. IE wins.


Microsoft Figures Out How to Corner the Market on Net Advertising
What if you could put ad links on every single web page on the Internet? What if you could sell those links to other companies, creating links back to their sites so they could sell their products? Best of all, what if you didn't have to pay a single dime to any of the webmasters carrying your ads? That's what Microsoft can do with the new Smart Tags technology that they're building into Windows XP products.


Canada, What Have You Done for US Lately?
About a month ago I received some SPAM from a "friend" which contained an "inspiring message." The message was a tract titled America, the Good Neighbor and it was written and broadcast by a Canadian radio journalist. The tract went on at length about how great Americans are and how Americans get bashed far too often by nasty foreigners, especially Canadians. I immediately suspected that it was some sort of sneaky Canadian trickery, and after a small amount of research I found out that's exactly what it was.


Sen. John Glenn Reveals the Truth about UFOs
"Back in those glory days, I was very uncomfortable when they asked us to say things we didn't want to say and deny other things. Some people asked, you know, were you alone out there? We never gave the real answer, and yet we see things out there, strange things, but we know what we saw out there. And we couldn't really say anything. The bosses were really afraid of this, they were afraid of the War of the Worlds type stuff, and about panic in the streets. So, we had to keep quiet. And now we only see these things in our nightmares or maybe in the movies, and some of them are pretty close to being the truth." - Senator John Glenn on NBC Tuesday, March 6, 2001.


Life After Napster
By setting up a central server to act as a gateway to the service, Napster set itself up as a big fat target for the music industry. To provide free music, you need to be able to hide in plain sight. To be reachable, but not have an address. To be known, and yet anonymous. Enter Espra...


Life Sucks
"Suck my tits if you want to live!" she cried. "Suck my nipples and drink from my big milky jugs!"


Milk Sucks. Got Beer?
PETA (No, not the People for Eating Tasty Animals, the OTHER PETA, the one with no sense of humor), has decided to CAVE IN to pressure from Mothers Against Drunk Drivers and ABANDON the ABSOLUTE BEST IDEA they ever came up with.


They Can Have My Chicken Strip When They Pry It From My Cold, Dead Fingers
Teachers don't want kids in school with guns? OK. Teachers don't want violent kids in schools? OK. Teachers don't want kids who play with their food in a threatening way in school... what? I've heard of logical slippery slopes before, but this is NUTS.


Out-Geek the Geeks
First there was and their successful attempts to crack encrypted data with the power of thousands of idle CPUs. Then came SETI@HOME, which attempts to find extraterrestrial radio stations using the power of thousands of idle CPUs. Now we have Folding at Home, which attempts to increase our understanding of how proteins self-assemble using, you guessed it, the power of thousands of idle CPUs.


A Modest Proposal
San Franciscan pedestrians are getting killed at a rate that's four times higher than the San Francisco murder rate. I've compiled a list of ideas for the San Francisco Board of Supervisors on how to solve this appalling problem.


Cocaine: One Man's Seduction
My local video store buys a lot of offbeat, quirky films. I love watching offbeat, quirky films, so I rent a lot of movies there. My wife recently found a real gem though, a 1983 made-for-TV movie that was recently re-released on videotape called Cocaine: One Man's Seduction.


Votescam: The Stealing of America
Earlier in the week, before the election, when the newscasts were naming Florida as a pivotal state in the election, I thought back to a book I'd read a few years ago. A book which documented vote fraud on a massive scale in Florida over a 20 year period. The book named names, dates, and places where vote fraud took place within the state and the author's attempts to expose that fraud.


Hawaiian Headbanger
You need to make a fruity tropical drink and you have no recipe? Here's a mix recently tested by Pigdog's crack bevertology team that's made with ingredients available from most any grocery store. It tastes sweet, fruity, and is perfect for guzzling on the last hot days of summer.


Waste the MPAA and DVDCCA's Time
David "NetRangerrr" Green ( writes to Pigdog: "Why not write lots of letters to the MPAA and DVDCCA like: "Is there any legal way to get a DVD player for Linux? We are creating software based training for DOD and would like to make our training stations run LINUX for an incredible cost savings and greater stability. I see you are suing against DeCSS so I presume that you have an alternative."


She Just Doesn't Understand
A 21 year old Georgia woman married a 14 year old boy five weeks after giving birth to the boy's child. According to Georgia law, it's perfectly legal for them to get married, despite the boy's age, because they're parents. However, also according to Georgia law, it was illegal for them to have sex prior to wedlock, so now the woman is in jail.


The Parkway Theater Rox Like Sox in a Box!
Last week I made my first pilgrimage to the Parkway Theater in Oakland, California to see American Pimp. I think I have found Movie Theater Nirvana!


ManHunt and ManTrap
"When an attack is identified, ManHunt images/begins automatically determining the source of the attack and shares attack information securely with other networks involved in the attack, such as an upstream network service provider, to track the source of the attack across a distributed network. ManHunt can also automatically divert the attack to a decoy environment, such as ManTrap for forensic data gathering." -- Marketing blurb from Recourse Technologies web site


Wearable Linux
Laptop too big? Can't get Linux to run on your Palm Pilot? How would you like a fully working Linux system you can wear on your belt?


Diva and Goliath
Microsoft, not satified with the public whipping they just received from the Justice Department, has seized an opportunity to get even more bad press. In April 2000 Microsoft launched a web site called, aimed at people who are too stupid to use computers and enjoy reading content on a web site that talks down to them. It didn't seem to matter that the name was already in taken in 1997, was trademarked, and was actively used by a group of women who work with computers and the internet.


The Bloody Dog
First there was the Bloody Mary: Vodka, Tomato Juice, Worcestershire sauce, some spices, and celery. We drank it, and it was good. Then any drink with tomato juice got a prefix of "bloody" attached to it. We drank them, and they were mostly bad. Now Pigdog gets back to basics and introduces The Bloody Dog, a drink with REAL BLOOD in it. HUMAN BLOOD.


Stop Alien Abductions!
You know the aliens are coming to get you, and you want to know what you can do to stop them? Here's a website that explains a method to defeat alien abductions that's EVEN MORE EFFECTIVE than wrapping your head in aluminum foil.


Crime Wave Hits Broomfield
Thefts, car "accidents", inappropriate juvenile touching, assaults, domestic violence, and DUI's are just a part of everyday life in Broomfield.


Ugly Web Page Tells How to Create Ugly Web Pages
Reacting to all of the gratuitously ugly web pages on the world wide web, Patrick Lynch and Sarah Horton, along with the Yale University Press, have published the Web Style Guide: Basic Design Principles for Creating Web Sites. They've also put together a web site devoted to promoting the book. There's just one thing though, the web site is just plain ugly.


Billionaires for Bush (or Gore)
"Calling all jammers, hackers, ne'er do wells, travellers, detourners, street urchins, lumpen, comedians, poets, singers, dancers, autonomists, anarchists, reformists, and insurrectionists! Billionaires for Bush (or Gore) is a mass, participatory media stunt designed to focus national attention on the big-money, corporate takeover of electoral politics, and the ramifications of this takeover for the poor and middle classes of America."


Broomfield drops D.A.R.E.
In a surprise move, the crime-ridden city of Broomfield has decided to abandon the D.A.R.E. program, which teaches children about the evils of drugs.


Have Rocket, Will Travel
A man in Oregon wants to blast himself into space, and he's got the means to do so.


Speed Racer Calls it Quits, Sells Car
It's not every day you can buy a car with 18" McCulla retractable pneumatic saw blades, a U.S. Navy PX18 periscope, an Airtronics remote control homing pigeon, and pneumatic auto jacks for jumping. Then again, there's only one Mach 5!


Dirty Deer takes Bubble Bath
Yesterday we heard about crazed beavers, and today we hear about DIRTY DEER. Summer is here and animal attacks are on the rise. In Howard, Pennsylvania a deer broke into a couple's home and helped himself to a luxurious bubble bath, leaving a path of destruction in his wake.


Crazed Beaver Gnaws Dogs
"I've lost all respect for beavers. I never would have imagined this from a beaver," said Canadian farmer Sam Pshyshlak after a 30 pound beaver attacked, pinned, and savaged her two 200 pound Newfoundland dogs.


Microsoft Contemplates Move to Canadia
Pigdog journal scoops every old media source on the planet YET AGAIN. Pigdog reported rumors heard from sources close to Microsoft (over a MONTH ago) that the software behemoth might just move to Canadia. (Microsoft to Move to Canadia? 04/29/2000 by Baron Earl) Now old media sources are climbing aboard the Pigdog bandwagon, jumping on the story like a swarm of rabid maggots on a pile of rotting meat.


You Do the Math
A group of the world's top mathematicians have decided that math is really, really hard. Some math anyway. So they've decided to do what dumb kids with too much money have always done, they're going to pay people like YOU to do their homework.


Metallica Sues Napster. Will Radio be their Next Target?
Today on the radio I heard Lars Ulrich, Metallica's drummer, state that people who used Napster just wanted free music, and that music should only be available to those who pay for it. It was then that I realized that not only did Metallica not understand the Internet, but THEY HAVE NEVER HEARD OF RADIO STATIONS!


Microsoft to Move to Canadia?
In an exclusive interview with the Pigdog Journal, a former Microsoft employee divulged that to avoid a break-up of Microsoft, Bill Gates may just move the entire company, buildings, employees, and all, to Canadia*<.sup>.


Man Gets 16 Years for Stealing a Snickers Bar
A man in Texas received a 16 year prison sentence for stealing a Snickers candy bar. On previous occasions he had stolen a bag of Oreos and a tool box.


John Rocker Gets a Standing Ovation
This morning, before heading into work, I was watching Mornings on 2, a local TV news program. I was trying to get a traffic update before heading out onto the Bay Area's freeway system. While I'm watching, the TV talking heads report that John Rocker received a standing ovation when he returned to the pitching mound last night in Florida. What's more, NO ONE on the news team can figure out WHY.


Freedom of the On-line Press a Problem for Janet Reno
The Privacy Protection Act of 1980 was intended to keep the police from shutting down newpapers and killing stories by journalists under the pretense of searching for evidence. Janet Reno wants to change that.


Beyond DVD
You've just installed a DVD burner and you think you're cutting edge? You think a 17GB disc is a lot of room? HA! FMD-ROMs are on the horizon, cramming 140GB onto a disc the size of a CD-ROM.


Woody Allen was RIGHT
The last time Woody Allen made a funny movie was in 1973, but for some reason people keep going to see his films. The funny movie I'm referring to is Sleeper, in which a man from the 70's is cryogenically frozen and re-animated hundreds of years in the future. The film made several daring predictions -- that VW Bugs would still be running in 200 years, that McDonald's would be serving its quadrillionth customer, that people could be frozen and re-animated, and that cigarettes would be the new health food.


The Lost Probe
NASA's Mars missions keep blowing up and crashing, but dammit, when you reach for the stars you have to expect a few minor setbacks. Drink a toast to the men and women of NASA! Toast them with a Lost Probe mixed up with your own two (or three) hands!


All that Angst... Wasted on NOTHING
The Indian Airline hostages are freed! Yeltsin steps down and Putin takes over smoothly! The world did not end! Come out of your bunkers! Come out! Come Out! COME OUT!


New Years Eve Anxiety
I woke up this morning thinking "Wow, this is it, the last day before the year 2000."


The Bashed Skull
Just in time for New Year's Eve, this week's Spocktail is aptly named the Bashed Skull, which describes how most Pigdogger's heads will feel on the morning of 1/1/2000...


Mahir Needs Women
Mahir is looking for that special woman... or two or three or as many he can get. Mahir is a journalist in Turkey. He has a house, a car, an accordian, and a mobile phone. (Telephone number 90 532 31235 50) He wants women to come and visit him. He likes sex.


Federal Intrusion Detection Network
On August 7, 1999, President Clinton issued an Executive Order establishing a Working Group on Unlawful Conduct on the Internet. The Group would prepare recommendations about the need for "new technology tools, capabilities or legal authorities" to successfully prosecute violations of the law, including the illegal sale of guns, explosives, controlled substances and prescription drugs, as well as fraud and child pornography.


WWW in 3D
You've gotta love a guy who came up with a use for those red & blue 3D glasses you've been hanging onto since you went and saw House of Wax when it was re-released back in 1981. 3D web pages! Brilliant! Beaujolais!


FBI Plans for Armageddon
The Feds have made a list,
they're checking it twice,
you'd best believe
they know who's naughty and nice.
is coming
to town!


Squirrel Ka-Bobs
Students at the University of Washington in Seattle get serious about their squirrel problem. An article in the school paper offers tips for stalking, catching, killing, and eating these pesky creatures.


CNN and InfoWorld Mock Windows
The verdict is in -- the mainstream press has finally figured out that Windows is a bug-infested, crash-prone, piece of junk operating system.


Self-Indulgent Pukes
"The train tracks are less than a mile from my backdoor; and very late at night when everything's still, I can hear the train whistle. It sounds so mournful sometimes, like it's crying. Sometimes, though, it sounds like it's calling out to some distant beacon to say, `I'm coming. Wait for me.' I love listening to the train go by..."


Do You Measure Up?
So, did your dealer REALLY sell you a full quantity of the product as promised, or did he "sample the product" and short you? How are you going to know for sure you're getting value for your money?


Name that Bodily Function
Finally, a site for kids that Pigdog can endorse!


Smoke Because We Love You!
Brown & Williamson, a tobacco company, has come up with a simply amazing advertising ploy.


Gary Busey Swaps One Addiction for Another
After decades of drug and alcohol abuse Gary Busey has finally found something new to get addicted to... JE-SUS!


Transfer Capacitor Storage Device
The American Computer Company produced a web page announcing its new Transfer Capacitor Storage Device that can store 90GB on a device the size of a poker chip. Unlike previous announcements that ACC has made, this one is ALMOST FREE of references to the Roswell saucer crash and alien technologies.


Duffel Bag 'o Death
Some doctors carry medicine and stethoscopes in their little black bags. When an unnamed doctor from U.C. Berkeley came to visit San Francisco last week, he decided to bring a vial of tuberculosis bacilli instead. Whatever he intended to do with the deadly bacteria will have to wait until he can whip up a fresh batch, because someone stole the vial.


Escape to Spock Mountain!
It was early in May last year when I first heard about Spock Mountain Research Labs. I was working on a story about a Hungarian scientist's new approach to nucleopeptide synthesis when I got a call from my friend Albert.

Offsite links shared by the author










Pigdog found dead in Maine
It was charcoal gray, weighed between 40 and 50 pounds and had a bushy tail, a short snout, short ears and curled fangs hanging over its lips, he said. It looked like "something out of a Stephen King story."


We don't know if Pol Pot was involved or not...
An FBI informant testified Monday in a federal terrorism trial that Osama bin Laden's chief deputy, Ayman al-Zawahiri, spent time in Lodi in 1998 and 1999 and frequented the community's mosque, a claim that a defense attorney described as outlandish.


Stupid Drunk Tricks
David John Verrow, 46, was booked into Santa Rita Jail on a laundry list of crimes after he hit two parked cars, dashed from his truck and barricaded himself in his room. Once there, he used an ax to hack his way into an attic crawl space -- only to fall through the ceiling into the arms of the police below.


Sqrat Decanter
If you don't mind a little fur in your whiskey.


Democrat's Annual Report
In Tucson, Arizona, Democrats took back the city council by defeating two Republican incumbents.







Don Johnson's Pricey Ride
Is that 8 BILLION DOLLARS WORTH OF BONDS in your pocket or are you just happy to see the Swiss border guards? Don Johnson's pricey ride.



Sex club shut down
Neighbors complaining about loud moaning get cops to shut sex club down for violating local noise ordinance.




Squirrel Attacks University
In win act of carefully-planned sabotage, a squirrel has attacked the electrical system supplying power to the University of South Florida.





Squirrel Rampage Ends in Death
A squirrel in Illinois went on a rampage that left at least four people injured. That squirrel is now DEAD.






When Will OJ Kill Again?
When will OJ kill again? Here's a Paypal account in which donations for a dollar each will be taken and the total sum will be awarded to the person(s) whose guess is nearest to the day without going over when... OJ Kills again!!


American Patriot Registration
As part of the Bush Administration's ongoing efforts to obliterate all traces of terrorism in the United States, the Department of Justice has commenced registration of each and every American Patriot.









15-year-old Sex Slave
It'd be interesting to tally how many different laws you'd be breaking by importing a 15-year-old sex slave. -- Mr. Bad





.ca is for CANADIANS!
The .ca Domain is for CANADIANS! (Oh yeah, and Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second and her successors.)













Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce
Daniel P. Musson admitted Tuesday that he sprayed oven cleaner on two Whoppers and spit on another in the Burger King where he worked.


MC Hawking's Crib!
Your ultimate resource for information about Stephen Hawking the gangsta rapper.






FAKE Star Wars Episode II Trailer
You know it's time to move out of mom's basement and get a life when you start spending your time making FAKE Star Wars Episode II Trailers.




Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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