Build Date: Tue Oct 20 17:04:10 2026 UTC
Parse does not the above.
-- Doctor Obnox
The Sedated Pirate
2001-02-17 01:09:24
Last week I had eye surgery and it was certainly one of the least enjoyable episodes of my life. Eye Surgeons like their patients to be conscious enough so that they can move their eyes to the proper position during surgery.
Unfortunately, having the anesthesiologist keep you in a state that permits that much muscular control means that you can see all those very sharp instruments before, during and after they slice, scrape or stitch your cornea.
There wasn't a lot of pain right after the operation, as they had used local anesthetic to numb the eye, but in post-op it was clear that I was in for some massive pain as my nerves began to once again function as designed. After enough whining and whimpering I was rewarded with a large bottle of vicodin. I was wheeled out of post-op fuzzyheaded, with an eye patch covering my poor abused peeper, clutching a bag of drugs.
After spending most of the afternoon recovering from the operation it was clear that the pain was gonna be serious. The last time I'd been in a situation like this was on the infamous Pigdog Road Trip to Vegas. My arm was in a cast due to some infection in my elbow and after Mr. Bad took over the driving duties, I collapsed in the back of the van and attempted to self-medicate myself with vicodin and Bud Lite. I was successful. Somewhere near Barstow we stopped to pee and buy more beer and I danced out of the van uttering "Tjames, you're so pretty they should put your head in a box". If you've ever seen Tjames, you know I was out of my mind.
This time I was determined to be more rigorous in my research and report my findings back to the scientific community. After several early evening misses, I finally hit on a recipe that lives up to lofty standards of Spock Mountain Research Labs. Since I looked like I was ready to board and loot a Spanish treasure galleon with my eye patch and was barely able to move, I named the drink The Sedated Pirate.
Ingredients:
- 3 shots (1 1/2 oz) vodka
- 6 oz club soda
- 1 200 mg vicodin tablet
- 1/2 a lime
- 1 eye patch
- ice
optional garnish:
- 1 peg leg
- 1 hook claw
Mix the vodka and soda in a huge glass filled with ice. Squeeze in the lime. Chase the vicodin tablet with the vodka.
After two Sedated Pirates you can safely amputate your hand or leg without pain and apply the optional garnishes. This, however, is not recommended by the Pigdog Journal and we assume no liability for you being such a jackass .
If you plan to have three Sedated Pirates, before you start you should duct tape a picture id, your HMO card and a major credit card to your body. That way, when the police find you naked and lying in the gutter, babbling nonsense, they know which hospital emergency room to take you to.
T O P S T O R I E S
John Dvorak has passed. I’m of mixed emotions. First off I’m more positive about his contribution to the overall technology journalism of the early PC days through the 90s, despite how many things he got wrong. He was a firebrand and commanded attention. (More...)
America's National Recording Registry Inducts Culturally Significant Artist - Weezer!
America's Library of Congress calls them "defining sounds of history and culture" and "audio treasures worthy of preservation for all time based on their cultural, historical or aesthetic importance in the nation’s recorded sound heritage." Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... Weezer! (More...)
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
A Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Liquor
Curled up cozy with a good book? All warm and snuggly and thinking about friends far away? So am I, reading the greatest story by the greatest writer -- when he suddenly starts waxing philosophical about liquor! (More...)
NASA's Mars missions keep blowing up and crashing, but dammit, when you reach for the stars you have to expect a few minor setbacks. Drink a toast to the men and women of NASA! Toast them with a Lost Probe mixed up with your own two (or three) hands! (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
Brother Wayne Lays Down the Truth
Flesh interviews Wayne Kramer of MC5. (More...)
Johnnie Royale's Guide to Wakes
Wakes can present problems for Bad People of the Future. (If you don't know what a BPotF is, you need to read more of the PDJ.) Sure, your friend is gone and you miss him and that really sucks; it does, I know. But all Bad People of the Future are gonna die, and they have all accepted that fact. They do deserve, however, to have one final kickass party to celebrate all the bad things they've done in the past, present and future. And you, as a friend, have to make sure that their desire for a final send off is well executed (sorry for the pun). That's just the way of BPotFdom. (More...)
