Build Date: Thu Jul 24 00:51:21 2025 UTC
I sorta want to kill you real bad right now.
-- Tjames Madison
Miss Conduct
There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,
She was very, very good,
And when she was bad, she was boomshakalicious.
Pigdog Journal Articles
2003-07-29
Once upon a time I was in a Laundromat with nothing to read. The only literature on the public news rack was the Berkeley Psychic Reader. It featured an article about how bugs in western culture, with the exception of possibly butterflies and ladybugs, get an unfair evil rap, whereas bugs in eastern culture are revered as symbolic icons. The article suggested ways we can access the Grand Message of the Inner Bug God from each creepin’ critter that crawls into our sphere of reference.
2003-07-11
For all you Sensitive New Age Guys (SNAG) out there who complain about not getting laid, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret: Women only like to have sex with jerks.
2003-03-14
My dear and close friend, Porn Maven Shannon Mariemont, sent me a titillating message the other day about her new project: the PornOrchestra. Her desire, at most, is to reinvent the porn soundtrack and, at least, to receive a cease-and-desist order like all her cool friends did last year.
2003-02-28
Few fearless readers realize that the Roots of Pigdog are planted in the Gardens of Self Publishing.
2003-02-04
I bought myself a cell phone for Christmas so that I could send private little text messages back and forth with my boyfriend. Generally I can't stand the idea of being reachable anytime, anywhere, day or night. But who am I to impede the progress of love? So, I knuckled under and took advantage of this great AT&T "Free-2-Go" Wireless and Nokia offer at my local 7-Eleven store. Now, I'm all fired up.
2003-01-24
This thing passed through my inbox today and it got me to thinking: I wonder what would happen if we all forgot to pay our taxes...
2003-01-22
Back in July, the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) subpoenaed Verizon Internet Services, Inc. to submit the name of an Internet user who, in one day, downloaded more than 600 songs. On Tuesday, January 21, Judge John D. Bates of the U.S. District Court for the District of Columbia ordered Verizon to comply with the RIAA subpoena. Cary Sherman of the RIAA says the industry group looks forward to contacting the Verizon subscriber, "so we can let them know that what they are doing is illegal."
2003-01-21
Remember back when Trek Aerospace was going to auction off the SoloTrek XFV on eBay? Well, bidding got up to almost $7 million by the second day. Then, on the third day, the seller ended the bidding early because of an error in the listing.
2003-01-09
It may be a few years late, but your jet pack has finally arrived. The SoloTrek XFV (Exoskeleton Flying Vehicle) strap-on aircraft goes up for auction on eBay tomorrow. Bidding begins at $50,000 but the final sale is expected to exceed $1 million, according to Michael Moshier, chief executive of defense contractor Trek Aerospace. Just ignore that part about how the company is going out of business due to lack of money, a missed milestone and a test-flight accident, and let the bidding begin! There is only one.
2002-08-20
A decade ago the tabloids were splattered with Elvis sightings. It seemed you couldn't order a peanut butter, bacon and banana sandwich anywhere without seeing The King Of Rock And Roll. Now, 25 years after his death, Elvis is alive and well and topping the British singles charts.
2002-06-26
A federal appeals court ruled that kids can't recite the Pledge of Allegiance to the United States flag in public schools because the phrase "under God" endorses religion. Hell, we don't need it anymore anyways, now that we can see The Flag stuck to the rear window of every God Fearing SUV that roams This Our Great Nation Land That I Love.
2002-05-15
I'm here to talk to you about regrets. You know, those things you wish for the rest of your life that you did or did not do. The things that create Sour Grapes. The things you KNOW would've turned out perfectly the way you wanted them to, but you justify your choices by imagining that not making them would've ruined your life as you know it. I'm lucky. I have only one regret. And it haunts my dreams on a regular basis. Now that I am in love with that show The Osbournes, it's getting worse.
2002-04-23
The woman who helped legitimize porn is gone. Linda Lovelace died from massive trauma and internal injuries suffered after an April 3 automobile accident. Her ex-husband/best friend, Larry Marchiano, and their two adult children were at Denver Health Medical Center when she was taken off life support yesterday. She was 53.
2002-04-21
Well, dear reader, there's no denying it: Spring has sprung. The air is pungent with the fertile aroma of Romance. And you know what goes with Romance, don't you? That's right, Lover, porn. And not just any porn, but the kind you can sing along to.
2002-03-02
Many kind readers have expressed a curiousity in what, exactly, boomshakalicious means. It is difficult to describe, but I'll try. It is so much more than just a word. It defines a certain Je Ne C'est Quoi or pizazz. It is a feeling, an attitude, a way of life. It's the thing that makes you dance to James Brown.
2002-01-21
It's pronounced El-vii, there are 6 of them: Love Me Tender Elvis, GI Joe Elvis, 60's Rockin Elvis, Charro, 70's Come-Back Elvis, and the poor old Over The Edge Died In The Loo Elvis. But now there is another Elvis. Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Extreme Elvis. I've only felt this way once before while watching what appeared to be Snuff Films with a cute bartender giving me the eye. It was a combination of wanting to hurl and being turned on at the same time.
2002-01-21
Miss Conduct reviews Rube Waddell -- show and CD.
2002-01-04
Beaujolais for the pimpin' Christmas year! Despite the complete and utter passing of the holiday season of sharing and caring, Pigdog Journal continues to pump out the essay contest extravaganza winners!
2002-01-03
I had the divine experience of visiting a Strip Club for the first time recently. What the hell have I been waiting for?! It's so obvious people, Strip Clubs are clearly the solution to our Whirled problems. I attended with a small group of friends. But from now on, all my dates will include a visit to the Strip Club. In fact, I think I'll open my own. Not one of those Gentlemen Fake Boobies Bars neither. But one with real, pierced and tattooed bodies. And good beer.
2001-12-27
The War on Terrorism is a success! I witnessed this Anti-Terrorism first hand last weekend on my way to an International Toy Distribution Convention. The Airline Industry Security Measures have virtually wiped out terrorism. There is just one minor drawback, you must fly nude.
2001-12-06
Noble readers. As the holiday season hurls inexorably into the realm of your physical experience, are you at a loss for a meaningful way to contribute to the Greater Good? Well look no further. Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies (MAPS) needs you. Consider gifting a donation in the name of your neighbor or your beloved. Your generous contribution will not only fill your soul with the true Holiday Spirit, it will aid in essential research on the healing potentials of psychedelics and marijuana.
2001-10-16
Have you ever sat around a campfire enjoying some edifying cock talk with a couple of friends when someone starts to eavesdrop? You look in their direction and notice they are interested in your conversation. Decorum dictates that you introduce yourself and your friends. Next thing you know this social interloper is beckoning you with a beleaguered "What did they say?" at each conversational volley. "They said PROSTATE," you bellow. The stranger decides that paying attention to the conversation at large is too laborious, so they focus on you. And there is no better ice breaker in their arsenal than the question, "So what are you: gay, straight or bi?"
2001-10-05
It is no mystery to many of you that I have an irrational little crush on Chicken John. He tickles my freak zone something fierce. He is the ultimate freak magnet. He inspires me. He is a gawdam GENIUS! Anyone who can coax a frat boy on stage to flaunt his third nipple HAS to be.
2001-09-25
Hello, my name is Miss Conduct and I've been very, very bad. A terribly sick and disturbed part of me gets really excited when skyscrapers fall. It makes me feel dirty.
2001-09-25
You know how when you're at an exceptionally freaktastic party out in the middle of nowhere. You're having a really great time. You're shouting, you're laughing, you're rocking. Then some Smut Weasel starts to mook off your vibe. He slips his arm over your shoulder and begins to rub. And even though your friend, his Significant Other, has introduced you eleventy-million times he says, "Hello, I don't believe we've met. My name is Smut Weasel. Wanna get freaky?"
Offsite links shared by the author
2003-07-09
Hulk's Bulk Makes Mom Sulk!
2003-04-26
What the world needs now is love.
2003-04-14
Nokia still hasn't sent me my refund, and now I find out I can only get THIS in Europe. Damn those damn Nokia f***ers!
2003-03-15
Action heroes for modern times.
2003-03-14
Beastie Boys Given it Away for Peace
2003-03-14
After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.
2003-02-06
A picture IS worth a thousand words.
2003-01-28
"No! Bad Cockmonkey."
2003-01-28
This would explain just about everything.
2003-01-23
Boozing Rule #33: The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
2003-01-15
A moon soon for everyone.
2003-01-15
You know? There just doesn't seem to be enough Internet panhandling.
2002-12-27
Barbie can be sexy, but she and her friends can't actually HAVE sex.
2002-12-24
Barbie finally revealed as her true tramp self.
2002-12-20
Those Crazy Cloning Canadians!
2002-12-18
I still can't decide if I'm proud or ashamed that I personally know each and every one of these people.
2002-12-17
2002-12-17
When good buildings go bad. (flash)
2002-11-16
From black man to white woman.
2002-10-10
Meaning of the word 'tart'
2002-10-08
MoSex opens its doors.
2002-10-01
Viking Kittens: hilariously ridiculous. (Flash)
2002-07-29
Coolio new game from George Pucas coming out this Spring. Check it out!
2002-07-27
2002-07-24
Experience the healing benefits of a glacier fresh cool-down spa treatment for that most deserving of body parts - your butt!
2002-07-22
New Micro$oft Ad
2002-06-17
Use your ass wisely.
2002-05-28
Personal site shines with subtle brilliance. '...The dancer then, both asks and answers the same question: Who is your daddy?.....I am your Daddy.'
2002-05-20
Get feedback on your half-baked plan.
2002-05-07
Wanna play with my doll?
2002-04-27
Liquor pops anyone?
2002-04-26
So, you think you know how to mack? Think again.
2002-03-19
'Here at ShitBegone, I know your ass is important.'
2002-03-09
Two cans of shaving cream can fill a car. Who knew?
2002-03-08
I've been wanting to do this for such a long time!
2002-03-05
Lend a hand in feral feline population control.
2002-03-02
Stop and smell the goddamn roses, people!
2002-02-27
Inebriated lad losses battle with giant wad of dough.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
About 14 years ago when I was on a road trip and stopped in Seattle, I was invited to a party. At this party there were these little tiny glasses sitting in a flat-bottomed bowl of ice. Thin cylinders about an inch in diameter and 4 inches tall, with thick glass at the bottom. Into these were poured frozen AKVAVIT... also known as the water of life. (More...)
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
Pao Tzu: Obtaining San Pedro Cactus
Horticultural clone master, Pao Tzu, guides you through the ins and outs of stealing hallucinogenic cacti from your neighbors' yards. Ooh la la! (More...)
Hooray! At long last, a NEW Spocktail of the Week! Kid-tested, mother-approved! (More...)
An innocent trip to the Central Market resulted in a severe attack of arachnophobia (and a meal) when a depraved street kid set her vicious pet spider on an unsuspecting shopper. (More...)
All this talk about death, wakes and Moloch recently has, frankly, got me a little worried. What if I'm next to go? I could slip on a wet banana peel and slam my head against an enormous brass statue at almost any time. I'm not planning well enough for this sort of thing. Who will talk for me when this terrible day comes? (More...)
