Build Date: Tue Feb 17 18:30:15 2026 UTC
Who's the leader of the pig that's made for dog and me?
-- Tjames Madison
War on Terror produces excess inventory of doomsday ready laptops
2006-08-08 11:23:05
The War on Terror has resulted in a rush of new technology useful to the general population.
Technologically, the War on Terror has been a blessing. I'm not talking about the new high-tech methods of heroin smuggling. I'm talking about about the technology developed for 21st century guerilla warfare.
Take the Roomba for example. There is no way in hell that anyone would have taken the time to develop a robot that motors along while remembering where it has already been without the War on Terror. If it hadn't been for Bin Laden, my carpet would still be a disaster and my dog would be chasing his own tail instead of his Roomba. Thank you, terrorists.
Another technological advance I credit to the War on Terror is the rise of cheap digital cameras. Before the toppling of Saddam Hussein, digital cameras were still more expensive than conventional film cameras. However, the demand for digital images of terrorists beheading journalists and soldiers dragging Abu-Ghraib prisoners through dog doo-doo has drastically driven the digicam market.
Let us not forget the Hummer, whose popularity jumped enormously due to people being afraid of terrorists. Long gone are the days in which a gallon per mile city mileage rating coupled with $3/gallon gas is scarier than a downtown rocket-propelled grenade attack. As an added bonus, GPS systems are pre-installed so that civilians will never have to worry about accidentally driving through a bad neighborhood.
The only technological advance that has personally helped me is the indestructible laptop. Itronix sent thousands of these to the Gulf and now they are coming back and showing themselves on eBay. I paid a shade over $200 for one and let me tell you, it is very hard to break. I tried throwing it out of a moving car and it still kept playing Seven Samurais. Can I use it in the bathtub? No problem, although it doesn't exactly float. It's also great for breaking down stubborn doors, as a garden tool, and can be conveniently put away in the freezer.
Now I just need to wait it out until the Hummer laptops start showing up on ebay.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
NASA's Mars missions keep blowing up and crashing, but dammit, when you reach for the stars you have to expect a few minor setbacks. Drink a toast to the men and women of NASA! Toast them with a Lost Probe mixed up with your own two (or three) hands! (More...)
Things to Say When You're Losing a Technical Argument
Mr. Bad and Crackmonkey collaborate on a fine Mr. Bad's List. We put together ALL the TECHNOLOGY you ever need to know in order to STUMP your OPPONENT in a technical argument. Use these only when your back is against the wall -- they're definitely desperation tactics. (More...)
Spock Went, Spock Wrote, Spock Kicked Ass
Every Labor Day weekend a large portion of the PDJ staff joins 30,000 other freaks at one of the biggest and strangest art festivals in the world - Burning Man - somewhere on the edge of the Black Rock Desert. Our base of operations is always the ultra swank Spock Mountain Research Labs - the World Leaders in Beverage Science and Leisure Technology. This year, we hauled up our computers, printers and a massive digital duplicator, determined to become Black Rock City's third daily newspaper. Even Spock was surprised by our success - news will never be viewed the same on the playa. Read all seven issues of the 2002 Spock Science Monitor for yourself and see why. (More...)
It's not like I have a heroin problem, see. I'm just a self-indulgent brat who likes to live beyond her means. When I zip down to my corner Money Mart for a little cash-till-payday loan, I'm really not planning to spend it on drugs. I'll spend it on sushi. Seventy bucks of interest for a two-week $400 loan is perfectly reasonable, if you really need that hamachi. (More...)
40 Acres, a Mule, and a Crummy 90-Second Spot on Weekend Update
Consider the plight of the Black Man. The Black Man on "Saturday Night Live," I mean. Has there ever been a more pathetic thing than a token unredeemed for 28 years? Where is the NAACP when you really need them? (More...)
The days are getting longer and, as the man says, the nights are getting HOTTER! Lick your finger, touch your ass and go *Tschssh*, cause the damn SUN is out now! And of course that means it's time for a refreshing Spocktail that meets YOUR NEEDS for a delicious booze cooler at affordable prices. (More...)
