I want to kill bugs, sir!


War on Terror produces excess inventory of doomsday ready laptops
2006-08-08 11:23:05

Pao Tzu: On The Beat
Head-freezin' is my business and business is good.
-- Gene


The War on Terror has resulted in a rush of new technology useful to the general population.

Technologically, the War on Terror has been a blessing. I'm not talking about the new high-tech methods of heroin smuggling. I'm talking about about the technology developed for 21st century guerilla warfare.

Take the Roomba for example. There is no way in hell that anyone would have taken the time to develop a robot that motors along while remembering where it has already been without the War on Terror. If it hadn't been for Bin Laden, my carpet would still be a disaster and my dog would be chasing his own tail instead of his Roomba. Thank you, terrorists.

Another technological advance I credit to the War on Terror is the rise of cheap digital cameras. Before the toppling of Saddam Hussein, digital cameras were still more expensive than conventional film cameras. However, the demand for digital images of terrorists beheading journalists and soldiers dragging Abu-Ghraib prisoners through dog doo-doo has drastically driven the digicam market.

Let us not forget the Hummer, whose popularity jumped enormously due to people being afraid of terrorists. Long gone are the days in which a gallon per mile city mileage rating coupled with $3/gallon gas is scarier than a downtown rocket-propelled grenade attack. As an added bonus, GPS systems are pre-installed so that civilians will never have to worry about accidentally driving through a bad neighborhood.

The only technological advance that has personally helped me is the indestructible laptop. Itronix sent thousands of these to the Gulf and now they are coming back and showing themselves on eBay. I paid a shade over $200 for one and let me tell you, it is very hard to break. I tried throwing it out of a moving car and it still kept playing Seven Samurais. Can I use it in the bathtub? No problem, although it doesn't exactly float. It's also great for breaking down stubborn doors, as a garden tool, and can be conveniently put away in the freezer.

Now I just need to wait it out until the Hummer laptops start showing up on ebay.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.


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