Fig. 1.Boop beep boop...

Pao Tzu's Quick Guide to Obtaining the San Pedro Cactus

DISCLAIMER: Taking my advice, even if you manage to do it remotely legal, is your bad. Do not use this as some kind of how-to guide and expect me to have your back when someone catches you, beats you into the gutter, has you arrested, and then kicks your ass again when you get out of jail.

San Pedro is a hallucinogenic ornamental cactus that can be easily cloned. The native habitat of this cactus is all along the foothills, mesas, and up to highlands of the Andes, la dee dah, as if you'll ever live there.

Habitat in the Bay Area: San Pedro grows gregariously along blocks in the Oakland Hills, scattered amongst front yards in residential Albany, Berkeley, and Kensington containing +/- dog, +/- fence; common near yellow "road narrows" signs, as well as occurring frequently near Mercedes E-Series var. showoffii.

Places not to look: most commercial districts; in front of the gun shop owner's house across from El Cerrito plaza b/c he can see you from his gun store; that matte white house near Marin St. in Berkeley with the Jaguar parked out front has Brugmansia sanguinea & Passiflora vines, but those cacti are in fact stunted sanguaro when examined on other side of fence; my living room (I keep them in the bathroom); Berkeley Horticulture b/c they will remove your arm and leg.

Basics for hunting: don't try to do drive-by cactus sightings. The cacti are usually masked from street view by dense trees. Simply walk. Good to have a long razor handy. Don't bring your dog, other dogs will bark at it. Come prepared with thick gloves so you don't end up having to take your pants off to handle the cactus needles. Trust me on this one. A wide mailing tube usually works as a carrying device. When you see the cactus, don't panic. If you've been observing your area, you know if there are any predators (neighbors, cops) nearby. Act quickly.

Short-distance-trespassing-bum-rushing front yards isn't as easy as it seems, you have to know what's happening around you. Check if you can hide yourself behind the cactus itself. If the distance between the cactus and the visible sidewalk is less than 5 meters, you should not use a razor. Instead, as diligently as possible, grab a large rock and simply smash off one of the branches. If you are mildly considerate of the mother cactus (which you may well be) you will stick a bag over the broken end so it will callous evenly, not lose excess water, and not get black rot. I know you're thinking what's a bag going to do? Why tip the owner's off that they're cactus has been mangled? It keeps it out of direct light. A bag takes 2 seconds. Besides, you don't want to harm it, considering you might be back next month. You weren't standing around sprinkling a layer of fine perlite on it all day.

Mid to long-distance trespassing: if you know the location of the cactus is in a slightly low key area (i.e.: 10 or more meters from sidewalk), use the razor to make an oblique cut along the selected branch. Bag mother if you wish. Get the hell out of there.

O.K., you're back home, you have all these branches, what do to?

Make oblique cut at base of original amputation. Repeat for all your cuttings. Have pots ready with ~ 1/4-1/3 sand and 2/3-3/4 whatever dirt you can scrape together that is currently dry (you might want to heat your substrate to dry it) and put the cuttings 2"-3" into the soil making sure they stand up a little. Let these remain dry and in subdued light for a few weeks. Now put them outside and water them lightly. Continue to water them lightly and occasionally feed them fertilizer for twenty years. Serve chilled.

Key - if you get caught:

A. Cactus owner sees you
B. He/she is near you
C. There is clear passage to sidewalk
Get removed branches and run
CC. No clear passage, must jump fence
Leave removed branches and run
BB. He/she is some distance away
D. There is a clear passage to sidewalk
Neatly pack branches, run
DD. No clear passage, must jump fence
Wrap cacti up, possibly in clothing, toss bundle over fence, jump over after it, pick it up, run
AA. Cactus owner's neighbor sees you
E. Next door neighbor
F. You are in front yard
G. Neighbor is outside
Run
GG. Neighbor is inside
Neatly wrap branches, run
FF. You are in backyard
Hide, pack everything, and then run
EE. Across the street
H. Neighbor is outside
Quickly wrap everything up and run
HH. Neighbor is inside
Neatly pack everything away. take another section if you wish