Build Date: Tue Apr 16 21:20:15 2024 UTC

I live in a tiny, mysterious third-world country that is very far away and filled with meat golems. It is called 'Colorado'.
-- Tjames Madison

Negative Nancy

Nancy came to us from a documented magnetic well point in the mountains of Eastern Europe. Raised from birth in this warped environment, she's developed a black crackling aura about her person and a bitingly cruel outlook on the dark and decaying world. Despite months of electroshock therapy, we've been unable to reverse her polarity. More's the pity for the hapless patient; more's the pleasure for you, our gentle reader.

Pigdog Journal Articles


Chupacabra VS. Muhnochwa!
Chupacabra may have been the unexplained demonic alien creature for the 90s, but I was starting to think the whole thing had gotten a little old. The recent appearance of the Muhnochwa or "face-scratching creature" in Uttar Pradesh, India, is like a breath of fresh air on the stagnant cryptozoological scene.


Vacationing from Somnambulant Narrow Realities
So about six months ago, I was chilling in Chang Mai, Thailand with ICBINJ, perursing the Bangkok Times over my banana pancake and Big Chang breakfast when I spotted this article reprinted from the LA Times. It was about some kooks from California (where else?) who were claiming to have been to the front lines in Afgahnistan in mid-December and had recorded the whole feat on their website. "Holy Fuck!" I thought, "Now That's web journalism. Who are these guys!?"


The Inattentive Beachcomber
Negative Nancy, touring the gin joints of the world, sent us her latest Spocktail creation, The Inattentive Beachcomber, which she concocted and field tested somewhere in South East Asia.


Now in new 'impish' flavor!
Man! Time flies when you're a big drunk! Feels like I just got over last years Beaujolais Nouveau hangover. A full 24 hours before the official start of Beaujolais Nouveau, Pigdog Journal brings you a sneak-peak, behind-the-scenes exclusive preview of what the critics are saying about this years Beaujolais Nouveau:


Some Funny Shit
Apparently there just aren't enough whip-cream canisters in New Zealand to satisfy the N2O cravings of the countries bored teenagers and junkie dentists so scientists there have been forced to seek out a new source of laughing gas-- cow dung!


Lets Just Take A Moment...
.... and think about this. The good folks at Bell Labs have a nice little Text-To-Speech demo page up. Nothing too fancy, just pick a voice, type in some text and click "Synthesis." But wait! What's that little checkbox in the corner? "If you plan to enter text which our system might consider to be obscene, check here to certify that you are old enough to hear the resulting output." Whaaa???


Hackin' in the Bad Way
So normally you say "hacker" I say "Coolio." I consider myself pretty pro-hacker. Hackers do a lot of neat stuff like annoying big business and keeping information free... blah blah blah. But I think my kinda hackers may want to do a little PR voodoo to make sure they are not confused with the other kinda "hacker."


Britsh Royalty Caught in Hair Cheese Scandal!
Everyone know that the British are funny, and that British royalty is everything British squared. Cheese is also funny, and the concept of a "South Wales cheese factory" is about the best venue for cheese-funniness that I can think of. Now hair usually isn't thought of as funny. Normally you think "dumb" when someone mentions hair, but I believe the "British royalty" and "South Wales cheese factory" are enough to carry the hair part. Thus, I'd say this is a pretty funny story.


So Close... and Yet...
So this guy in jail on a murder rap managed to SAW his way out of his jail cell. OK, no big deal you say. But he did it using DENTAL FLOSS coated in TOOTHPASTE!


Aliens Frame Man For Burglary
A 37-year-old Iowan man was transported 180 miles by aliens who flung him threw a house window and then abandoned him, bleeding and confused, to be found by local police. I'm guessing they were using some sort of space/time continuum warping technology, but I'm still waiting for confirmation. The police, in typical non-believer fashion, claim the man was high on methamphetamines and charged him with second-degree burglary.


Wacky Brits Surfing Starkers
Nutopia - It's a cyber cafe! Yeah! It's a bar! Yeah! It's a spa! Yeah! It's a nudist colony! Yeah! It's full of nekkid British people! Ewwww! All the computers are iMacs! Grodie!


Oh God Make It Stop!!
Please! The pain! Oh no no! Not The Positive Press! I can't stand it, I'm just not strong enough! Ahh!! It's all around me- stories of "human strength, kindness, ingenuity and perseverance," inspirational messages and essays! essays! and-- oh it's so horrific! **Warning: sensitive people and those with weak hearts should not read any further.**


MPAA Ain't the Only Bad Business...
OK, you got your DeCSS button on your page, you've got a "Fuck the MPAA" bumper sticker, you've handed out informational leaflets at work... still feel like poking at the status quo? The folks at have a great suggestion for some low-tech semi-passive, semi-legal, low-profile protesting.


Dont Forget! March 13 is St.Urpasian Day!
A few thousand years ago in Rome, February 14th was a big carnal love fest where boys and girls would hook up for a year of orgys and parties at the vomitorium. Around the same time this guy Valentine was beaten with clubs and beheaded by Claudius II. The poor persecuted party-pooping Xtians decided to sabotage the chick-picking party and replace it with there own platonic holiday-- Valentine's.


Ha! I Just Knew Something Bad Was Gonna Happen!
I knew it! I'm doomed to die an early painful death! I'm completely unsurprised by this -- in fact, I pretty much expected that things would turn out this way. The Mayo clinic has just released a report that pessimists die younger. OK, it doesn't actually mention pain, but I'm sure it'll be horrible.


Free Speech Shushed Once Again
A substitute teacher in Boston is reportedly being "shunned" (uh-- new word for "fired"?) for saying that he thought Hitler is "cool." Now I'm no fan of the big-bad-H or anything, but you gotta checkout some of the comments made by those in change of grooming the next generation.


It Takes 2 to Tango, But Only 1 To Be An Asshole
A Maryland judge is being investigated for possible violation of the state's code of judicial conduct after telling an 11-year-old sexual assault victim that "it takes two to tango." Uh, somebody rent Lolita a few to many times?


133% of Americans Think Polls Make Their Opinion Worth Something
I got a statistic for you-- imagine an average American. Got it? OK, now imagine that 50% of the US is dumber than that. Now give 75% of Americans access to computers. Finally set up a "news" site entirely devoted to reporting on the outcome of polls and combine that with the recent finding that show the more incompetent you are the less likely you are to know it... Volia-- Yahoo! Public Opinion.


Woman Molested By Elvis & Michael Jackson At the Same Time!
Ewww! It sounds like a bad dream, Michael Jackson licking your faces while Elvis rubs the little King all over your back! Man, I just hope it was Elvis the younger years and he didn't just eat one of those crazy deep fried PBJ & ham sandwiches!


Everyone's a Critic
Two filmmakers in their mid-twenties have been arrested for filming a horror spoof of the Columbine High School shootings. The Ringwood, N.J. men where busted 5 months after using real, but legally obtained and unloaded, guns in when they shot their film Duck! The Carbine High Massacre on the grounds of E.G. Hewitt School during last summer vacation.


Scottish Government Wants Gay Sex Lessons in Schools!
Wow! You know some people think that places like Scotland are really conservative and backwards, but boy are they wrong! I mean, in the US its a big deal to even TALK about being gay in schools, let alone gay sex practices. But not in Scotland, no, they're gonna have GAY SEX lessons! Where kids can learn all the basic gay sex acts like fisting and rimming! Man that's gonna be a messy final exam!


Steal Ben Stein's Money!
Jeeze, a lot of people these days are real selfish with their money. But not Ben Stein. Almost everyday he goes on TV and gives everyday people just like you and me a chance to take home some of his money. That's why it makes me so mad when some people aren't willing to play by the rules. They could have gone on Comedy Central and gotten a chance to get Ben Steins money fair and square. But noooooo, they had hold him up in his garage with a hand gun!


Midget "Shortage" Strikes Britain!
Forget Y2K, England's fresh out of Little People! Too many holiday productions of Snow White has created a dearth of dwarves in the Isles. No less than 18 professional productions are required to satisfy the Brit's ancient urge to see freaks dressed up in funny little costumes. That's 126 "people of restricted growth" or 630 feet of midget!!


This May Explain Love
Some crazy wacked-out sadistic freaks at Johns Hopkins Hospital forced a bunch of poor smucks to hold their hands in buckets of freezing water until the pain became unbearable. Half the guinea-pigs were asked to fantasize about sex, the other half were got to day dream about something dull like walking to class. Turns out shock! thinking about launching your moisture seeking love missile can help lessen the pain of freezing cold water -- or the fact that your significant other is a big pain in your ass...


Keep 'Em Coming!
A University of Minnesota researcher (and noted expert) announced his finding this week at a meeting of the American Public Health Association that most bartenders ignore state laws and serve the very drunk. I'd like to ask everyone to take a moment and thank the good Lord for these fine, brave men, without whom we, the very very drunk, we be cruelly cut off from our nourishing supply of booze.


South African Cabbies Clash; 10 Die, 24 Hurt
Man, and I thought the deadliest thing about cabbies was their driving! These S. African minivan taxi operators are trying to take out the competition with used handguns, shotguns and heavy caliber weapons. Haven't they ever heard of PRICE wars? You're supposed to undermine them with better deals and polite service, not blow their heads off!


Alien Baby Rushed to Hospital!
OK, so no one really thought it was an Alien, they actually thought it was a human foetus. But it was actually an Alien! OK, it was actually a plastic alien toy. But it was really gross!! No one can say it wasn't really gross! It was slimy and metallic and had big ears, it's also expected to be one of this Xmass's biggest hits! And have I mentioned the British are really weird?


This Really Isn't Funny
A woman died today when her parachute failed to open during a demonstration of parachute saftey in Yosemite National Park. There is irony involved in this. They say that 40% of Americans do not understand the concept of irony. I hope this clears things up for some of you.


2 Year Sentence For Columbine Threat Vs. 4 Months For Murder
17 year old Columbine student was arrested for making threats near the 6 month anniversary of the big shooting. He's now facing 2 years in jail. Meanwhile, this other guy gets FOUR MONTHS for KILLING his wife. Not THREATENING to kill his wife-- shooting her and then leaving the house and then COMING back to finish her off when he realized he had more bullets. He finally managed to kill her while she was on the phone with a 911 operator.


Hell House Scares the Fuck Out of Kids Yet Again
So you've probably heard of Hell House before-- crazy Assembly of God "haunted house" that shows the horrors and absolutely inevitable consequences of sins. It's kinda like "Reefer Madness" but with adultery, homosexuality, abortion, and, now, taking out your classmates. But it also kinda reminds me of all those old Republican politicians who had to watch hours and hours of nasty, bad, dirty pornography -- all in the name of decency.


Creationism Road Kill Fever!
Hello, my name is Negative Nancy and I have a problem. I can't stop. I can't look away. It's starting to interfere with my work, my love life, my family. It's tearing me away from the people and the things I love. I read wacko religious propaganda on the internet.


Mental patients to get the vote in England
Looks like England is finally catching up with the US by allowing completely insane mental patients to vote in general elections. Historically "lunatics and peers" have made up the majority of voters in the US, but have been barred from going to the polls because they could not register using looney bins as their home address.


Y2K! Child Sex Scam! On The Internet!
Another crazy bad story featuring all your favorites: Y2K, booze, the internet, video games, sex predators, and DNA samples. This really really bad man in Ontario lured local boys into his apartment by telling them that his underground bunker was the only place safe from TEOTWAWKI... and he needed to take DNA "samples" from them (ugghgh...).


Knicker Nicker Nicked
Nadarajah the knicker nicker was nabbed by North London police for plundering panties-- aghh! enough of that! Bleck. This guy was busted once last year with like $50,000 (ok, it was pounds, not dollars, but I can't make that crazy L thing, so just imagine it was dollars) of undies. This time he's being sent to a shrink after the cops found 11 bags of underware in his appartment.


Customs Seizes Birdseed With 0.0014 Percent Hemp
I love how the headline for this article is "Customs Snares Hemp-Laced Birdseed." It makes it sound like Customs had busted some big bad guy trying to pull one over on them. If you actually read the story you find out they're just harassing poor Canadian farmer. Normally I'm all for harassing Canadians, but this is just silly.


Death By Fetish
This is a really really sad story about a sad sad old man with a life-long dream to have someone cut his leg off and the sad sad doctor who took him to a south o' the border clinic and did it. The sad sad old man isn't as sad any more, cause he's dead. The sad doctor is now a sad sad doctor because he's facing 25 years in jail and a significantly shorter life expectancy.


Never Ask A Man To Do A Woman's Job
...because he'll find some way to work wing nuts and lag bolts into it... This years winner of the Annals of Improbably Reasearch Ig Noble Prize for Managed Health Care deserves some special attention. US Patent #3,216,423, entitled "APPARATUS FOR FACILITATING THE BIRTH OF A CHILD BY CENTRIGUGAL FORCE" may be one of the scariest things I have ever seen in all my years of reporting for Pigdog Journal.


Bombs! Guns! Dope! Coke! Spiders! Lizards! Alligators! Scorpions! A Man That Lives With His Mom! A Garage Full of Lawn Mowers! Oh the horror! Oh the humanity!


Good Morning America!
Well it's only taken 5 months for someone from the sorta-mainstream media to figure out that the Columbine High duo weren't part of the Trench Coat Mafia, Goths, Gay, killing paticular kids 'cause they believed in God, or cause they were Black.


He Said "Anus"
Astronomers have found three "weird" moons orbiting Uranus. You might want to have a doctor take a look at that, I'm sure some antibiotics wold clear it right up. One of those little pillow with the hole in the middle might make things more comfortable for you... are you eatting enough fiber?


My First Prostitute
I can't even decide where to start there are so many bad things going on with this article... it's a first person story of one wussy vice cops first time entrapping big bad mean prostitutes. Woe is he...


Cruisin' for a Bruisin'
Turns out the guy behind the wheel of the London train crash that took out six people two years ago was known for "displaying "very casual" behavior. For example, driving the 125mph train with both his feet on the dashboard, backing his "kitbag" (I think that's "backpack to you and me English speakers), and blazing through two yellow and one red light before plowing into a "goods train" 470 yards beyond the red light.


Fear Your Children!
Junior High and Middle Schools across the country are beginning to "profile" students much like serial killers or terrorists. Teachers will recieve a checklist of "warning signs" such as swearing, social withdrawl, feelings of rejection and poor academic performance and writing about the "dark side of life." So, basically, acting in any way like a teenager. Students matching the bad seed profile can be expelled.


Walken and Singin'?
When someone says "musical" don't you immediately think Christopher Walken? Well, no, neither do I. But if someone were to say "James Joyce," how about then? OK, still no Christopher Walken. But what about "The Dead"? Ah ha! See, see, it all makes sense to have Christopher Walken starring in a musical adaptation of James Joyce's depressing short story "The Dead."


Frosted Flakes Freak Out
Jeeze, these guys watch to much TV! This guy comes home to find his cousin had eatten all the yummy, vitamin-packed sugar-frosted flakes (now part of a complete breakfast). The cereal-swiping cousin picked up a large kitchen knife to defend himself and the poor, hungry cousin ran up stairs to get his SKS assault rifle....


Ydych chi'n siarad Cymraeg?
Welsh is currently a language for Bad People of the Past, but it's making quite a comeback (ok, mostly in small sheep-herding communities in lower Snowdonia, but still). Be one step ahead of the curve by Teaching Yourself Welsh!


Alabama -- Atlanta, What's the Difference?
Nope, this is a different shooting. This time it's in Alabama, not Atlanta, and we have a former employee, not a former client, and three victims, not 12. The shootings took place at 7:00 a.m. this morning and police caught their suspect almost immediatly.


Unconfirmed Case of Ebola Quarantined in Germany
"Unconfirmed," they say! Like there's any point to confirming it seeing how there is NO CURE or TREATMENT! An unidentified 40-year-old German TV camera man returned from a trip to the Ivory Cost with a nasty little case of hemorrhagic fever. This could get pretty damn ugly if any fellow passengers from the man's Swissair flight start oozing, too. We may not actually have to wait a whole four months for the end of the world as we know it....


Honey, this mutton tastes funny
Ewe. This is grody to the max! This San Diego guy not only fucked three sheep, he fucked two of them to death! Jezze, maybe he should be fucking cows or hippos or something instead...


Dosed By The Government!
85 Brits are sueing their government for giving them massive doses of LSD in the '60s. And we are talking MASSIVE! Many of the unwilling trippers have not been able to keep a job since, as one guy put it, "[they] opened up my mind and it didn't close afterwards."


Hijacker Just Wanted to Fly Plane
This story has something for everyone! There's knife-wielding hijackers! There's terror at 20,000 feet! There's Pokemon! There's the influence of evil video games!! It's great!


Lies and Trickery Used To Catch Bad Guys
That'll teach you to dodge jury duty and then try to better yourself! Police in Boston set up this crazy fake job fair to "lure" bad guys (bad guys being those charged with everything from home invasion and aggravated assault to welfare fraud and dodging jury duty) into the Bayside Exposition Center, where cops were waiting to arrest them like fish in a barrel.


13-year-old Swindles New York!
HA ha! This crazy Honduran boy had everybody thinking his life was SOOOO REALLY HORRIBLE! When, in fact, it was only just kinda really horrible, now everybody wants him to give back his rollerblades and ice cream. Gee Wiz, those crazy third-world kids! What'll they think of next?


COMNAVAIRESFOR is One Hell of an Acronym
Online training! It's the wave of the future! Everybody's doing it... including the US Navy.


And They Got Away With It!
So these two chicks knew some guy who was, like, in jail 'cause he beat up this other chick. They decided to get jobs as strippers at the "Cheetah Club" to make some money so they could post bail for this guy. But then things got a little weird...


Scoop Scoopy-Doop
With all the crazy speculating and deep musing that the Colorado massacre has every would-be essayist and journalist doing, it's not surprising that a few people would eventually make the same observation. Once all the obvious and some of the insane accusations have been made, some people are going to start looking at the bigger picture. So I wasn't too taken aback to find a Salon article echoing one of last week's Pigdog Journal stories.


Serial Killer Atlas
Just because you're not in high school anymore doesn't mean you can't live a life of fear and terror. Just check out the Serial Killer Atlas, and, if you're lucky, you'll see a nice big red "confirmed" dot over your home town. You can then click on the dot to read about the horrific things that have gone on right in your backyard! Or maybe you'll be really lucky and there is currently a suspected or unconfirmed serial killer still at large!! It's a Fnord-O-Rama of "sexual sadists" "child predators" and just plain Bad People!


Oh The Humanity! Oh For A Little Perspective
"25 STUDENTS DEAD IN SCHOOL SHOOTING!" scream the headlines. "THIS IS THE BIGGEST TRAGEDY OUR NATIONS SCHOOLS HAVE EVER KNOWN!" screams the media. And both are wrong.


Oh That's Really Gonna Help...
Aggggg!!! Good God! Every time I think that this country has reached some sort of disgusting narrow-minded short-sighted scapegoat-burning LOW, the morons of the public school system come up with something so frustratingly dumb and obviously misguided that I actually get why some school kids are going completely POSTAL.


Never Tell ANYONE What Goes On In This War
You think the world will never get more absurd, and then it just does. In order to show the Serbians that violence isn't the way to solve problems, the US "and its NATO allies" have started a Cruise missile bombing campaign against Yugoslavia. MAJ deconstructs the sub-text in the Global Dysfunctional Family.


Squirrel Cuts Power To Five Thousand
Anyone who questions the deadly destructive force of squirrels had better LISTEN UP. Squirrel mischief and mayhem is on the rise!! And not just in the US! GERMANY is now feeling the wrath of angry rodent terrorists. Just this week a kamikaze squirrel soaked itself in water and plunged into a 10,000 volt power station, knocking out power to 5,000 Germans!! They have no fear, they have no mercy, they have big puffy tails and they aren't afraid to use them!!!


Set Gag Reflex On Stun
During the heyday of the Rollins-Shipley crisis, gentleman Web diarist Wil Shipley made much about his "substitute girlfriend," known only by her first name, "Karawynn" (and later just by her initial "K"). When Shipley shut down his site for personal reasons, citing a fear of hurting "innocent people", it was widely assumed by veteran Rollins-Shipley watchers that Karawynn was one person who Shipley was trying to protect. Well, Pigdog Journal, ever in pursuit of TOTAL COVERAGE, combed the Web in search of this elusive Shipley companion. Our research into her Web journal reveals the shocking truth: Karawynn DESERVES to be hurt.


Female Sexual Pleasure Outlawed in Alabama
Those crazy fundamentalist freaks have fucked one too many cousin! In a bill past late last year, Alabama lawfuckers outlawed strip clubs and "items to enhance sex" such as vibrators and even some condoms. The ACLU is suing their slimy backwoods asses for invasion of privacy. They also noticed that Viagra is perfectly legal and paid for by most health insure and that virtually all of the "items" in question are used by (or on) women. Seeing as how, for some women, foreplay is a not an optional part of the sexual situation (in fact some women _only_ get off with a little help from modern technology) this seems more than a little unfair.


CopMall, The Ultimate Fascist Showcase
Who says shopping is only for Nancy Boys? CopMall has everything a man could want--all on one site. They have wine and cheese and guns and dogs, travel offers, restraint systems, even their own music label (Deputy: Music to Enforce By). They've got computer stuff (Searchable Offender Data Reference), books, and magazines.


Waking the Dead
I love it when the media makes some big deal over "new scientific proof!" of something really obvious like "Poor People Receive Inferior Health Care, Study Says" or "Taking 5,000 Vitamins at Once is Bad, Says Noted Expert." Well, here's another one: alarm clocks are hazardous to your health.


Absent check apparently triggers attack
Talk about a Y2K preview! ONE guy doesn't get his disability check on time and he gets himself a butcher knife and takes out two Alabama Social Security Administration employees who are trying to explain to him why it's late.


Holiday Rice Cakes Kill Three
Everyday the media bombards us with stories about the supposed dangers of drugs, tobacco and alcohol, all the while ignoring the real deadly killers-- falling vending machines, laser pointers, and sticky rice cakes!


Looky There! A Shack on Wheels!
Doug Kelley is a cruel, twisted man with no respect for the hard-working, god-fearing, mobile-home-inhabiting folks of Mississippi. And for that we salute him. Doug has been kind enough to travel around scenic sites such as Columbus, Mississippi's trailer parks, taking photos and critiquing the creme de la creme of trailer house architecture and landscaping.


Revisionist Etymology
MAJ, holder of the Danny Cassalaro Chair in Revisionist Linguistics at Spock Mountain Research Labs, deconstructs the deep structure of SMRL's primary research pursuit.


Gruesome Pig Mutilations in Palo Alto!
Someone at Stanford is practicing unnecessary heart bypass surgery and his patients are turning up dead in campus dumpsters. According to police, if he's caught, he would face only misdemeanor littering charges for leaving corpses on campus. Why? Because his patient-slash-victims are PIGS! Best part of the story is this quote from Police Lt. Bandy: "We want to let people know that this is not a place to leave your dead pigs."


I'm Dreaming of a Green and White Christmas
Some would-be smart guys who filled a bunch of Santa dolls and tree ornaments with coke and grass got busted in Rio today. These are apparently the same schmucks who laced chocolate Easter eggs with cocaine last April. I feel real sorry for the Groundhogs come February...


Knippen En Wippen
That translates to "cutting and boinking" according to REUTERS. Dutch hairdressers (that's the cutting) and prostitutes (that's the boinking) are "plying their trades" for an AIDS fund raiser in Goes, Netherlands. Amazingly Reuters manages to report the story without ever actually using the words "prostitute" or "hooker."


Truck Spills Millions of Bees
I didn't even know that people were trucking millions of bees around in big rigs, but someone managed to "spill" 6 million of them in Wisconsin early this morning. Strangely enough no one got stung. A lot of the bees died though, and that makes me sad.


Pig Vs. Pig Grudge Match!
A pig in Poland attacks the police! They are horrible and out of control once again. Pigs must be stopped!


Poop in the News!
Go to Yahoo! and read about POOP! Those people at Yahoo! are horrible coprophiles and all they ever think about is POOP POOP POOP!

Offsite links shared by the author


It's good to have goals
When 900 years drunk you be, look this good you will not.


Page me later
I fucking hate you! ps- page me later


Was There A Real Fox Mulder?
X-Files version of history is backed by CIA report-- But how come only British papers are covering the story?


Lewinsky Rolls Her SUV
Monica Lewinsky rolls SUV while trying to get something outta her purse.



The United Nuwaubian Nation of Moors Settles Dispute in Georgia
United Nuwaubian Nation of Moors Settles Dispute in Georgia

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

T O P   S T O R I E S

The Awl

C L A S S I C   P I G D O G