Build Date: Thu Mar 28 13:40:08 2024 UTC
Btw, I'm stinkin' drunk, and its great!! YEHAW!
-- Ms. Bunnypenny
Market Karma
2001-11-14 22:48:48
It just warms my racing heart when I see evil people get what they've so richly deserved for so long. So it was with great pleasure last week that I saw one of the most vile and greedy corporations in America get what was rightfully coming to it.
By now, your mind is reeling with the list of vile and greedy corporations that you'd like to see getting raped by karma. Yeah, I know --Exxon, Mary Kay, Microsoft, ChevronTexaco, Wal-Mart -- there?s so many to choose from! But with winter already bearing down on us, and for those of you who nearly filed for bankruptcy while trying to keep warm last winter, one name should stand out above all the rest: Enron.
Who the hell is Enron? Enron is/was the largest buyer and seller of natural gas in the country, as well as the nation's #1 electricity wholesaler. Based in Houston, Enron doesn't sell natural gas and electricity to schmoes like you and me. They sell the to power production plants and distributors, like PG&E and SoCal Edison. As in every other industry, when the wholesaler jacks up the price, so does the distributor --leaving the consumer in a grave position. Such was the case last year, when Enron sold natural gas and electricity at their highest prices ever, while claiming that "market forces" were the real cause of these unconscionable robberies.
No one really believed that, including the federal government, which launched an investigation of Enron. So did the state of California, which refused to pay any of Enron's egregiously inflated bills after the state picked up PG&E's massive debt last winter. While Californians were the hardest hit, with the majority of our electricity being generated by gas-burning plants, people across the nation were reamed by natural gas bills that were double and triple what they had been the year before. To everyone involved, it appeared that the "market forces" affecting Enron were those of its own making, conveniently engineered for Enron?s maximum benefit. During all of this, Enron was enjoying second-quarter profits that were 40% above the previous year's second-quarter earnings; Enron?s stock was also lofting near it?s all-time high of $84.87.
Oh, the difference a few months can make.
Enron's stock started it?s downward trend around the beginning of the summer, when mild temperatures across the nation substantially lowered the demand for electricity and natural gas. But the real killer took place in the fall. During October, the Securities and Exchange Commission?s investigation of Enron began turning up evidence that the energy giant had defrauded it?s stock holders by suppressing the company's true financial condition. Enron had sought to diversify its holdings over the last two years, and many of the investments had lost billions of dollars. Once shareholders got wind of this, Enron?s stock plummeted 80% in three weeks.
But the capitalist ocean is no place for a sick or wounded fish. Sensing the desperate flailing of a competitor in trouble, Dynergy, Inc. started to size up Enron as a take-over target.
Now I'm no fan of corporate consolidation. As I've mentioned in previous columns, the end result is always the same for the consumer: fewer choices, higher prices, and terrible service. And with Dynergy taking over Enron?s assets, we're probably looking at an extraordinarily dangerous energy behemoth on the horizon. But that's later, and like a good American, I'm focused on the here and now.
In the here and now, the shareholders of Enron lost not only 80% of the value of their shares in over the course of six months, but further saw the value of those shares reduced in the Dynergy takeover deal. For every share of Enron stock held, the owner would receive only .2685 of a Dynergy share. That?s right, mathematicians -- each Enron share will be worth a little over 1/4 of a new share when it comes to the buy-out. And since Dynergy is buying out Enron in a stock swap, Enron?s shareholders will probably be clogging the phone lines at suicide prevention centers from now until Christmas. And they're not the only ones. Just how many of Enron?s officers, managers, and employees will Dynergy want to keep on in the new company?
Like I care. While Dynergy may rape us down the road, today its' time to strike up the jazz band and go dancing all over the grave of the former evil giant known as Enron.
T O P S T O R I E S
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
Gary Busey definitely involved in a hit and run accident
Gary Busey was definitely involved in a hit-and-run accident, but won't face any charges because he's rich and famous. (More...)
Gary Busey allegedly involved in Malibu hit-and-run
"Sir! You hit my car! I need your information!" the woman yelled at Gary Busey driving a battered Volvo station wagon before he sped off. (More...)
Health and Human Services officials spend a year on pot
After a yearlong, comprehensive, thorough, complete investigation into the effects of marijuana usage, Health and Human Services (HHS) officials recommended that it be moved from Schedule I of the Controlled Substances Act to Schedule III, meaning that the HHS no longer considers cannabis to be a drug with high abuse potential and no medical value. (More...)
If you've ever wondered what actual bullshit looks like, just check the back side of Lee Meyers' decommissioned police cruiser. Lee chopped the top of the passenger side of the car off so he could take his full-grown Watusi bull, named Howdy Doody, for joy rides around his home town of Neligh, Nebraska. Since the car doesn't have bathroom facilities Howdy Doody just craps all over the back and side of the car whenever he feels the need to let one go. (More...)
Self-righteous assholes block highway to Burning Man
A group of self-righteous assholes converted exactly zero people to their cause by blocking the highway to Burning Man this week. The group, which used a flimsy trailer, some lengths of chain, and a few folding chairs to block the road, put up signs including "Burners of the World Unite," but none of the burners stopped in traffic wanted to unite with them for anything. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
The Walken / Country Bear Conspiracy
As has been recently reported in the PDJ, Christopher Walken, evil s00per villain extraordinaire, will be appearing next month in Disney's newest release, The Country Bear Movie. Always playing some wicked and very disturbed badass in movies like Sleepy Hollow, Illuminata, The Prophecy I, II, III, Pulp Fiction, Batman Returns, The Milagro Beanfield War, A View to a Kill, The Dogs of War, Heaven's Gate, and The Deer Hunter, Walken is unsuprisingly a big favorite in the PDJ news room. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
Another Spocktail brought to you by the selfless beveratologists of Spock Mountain Research Labs. You do the math, we'll do the SCIENCE! (More...)
The One I Feel Sorry For Is Joses
We've had a lot of Jesus coverage lately here at the PDJ. But let's face it, we're not exactly cutting-edge in this subject area. Jesus has been making headlines for, oh, I guess it's a couple thousand years now. Jesus is a very strong brand. Jesus has a lot of mindshare. (More...)
Another Spocktail from the beverage researchers at SMRL: Home of The Deathwave Bar & Grill! (More...)