Build Date: Tue Jan 14 22:40:15 2025 UTC
You know, I really feel bad for you Mac people. Sort of. I mean, it was your choice.
-- Tjames Madison
Stuff I Love About the Holiday Season
2000-12-22 16:00:52
Man, it's that time of year again. MAN, it's THAT time of year again. Is it ever. Gar!
- Eggnog lattes
- Solstice parties with naked, morally lax Wiccan hippy chicks
- The crushing black clouds of seasonal affective disorder
- Santarchy
- Christmas bonus
- Seeing your smug friends with cute babies spend their entire Christmas bonus at Toys 'R' Us
- Festive red-, white- and green-colored lines of cocaine
- Slews of coolio Xmas-themed raves
- Spending YOUR entire Christmas bonus at Toys 'R' Us on crap for your smug friends' cute babies
- Crappy weather means I have no guilt staying inside all day playing Zangband
- Traditional holiday double issue of "Hustler"
- Keeping warm and toasty burning all MP3s
- Trenchcoats
- End-of-year inventory selloffs at 16th and Mission
- Obligatory cutesy seasonal newspaper stories about e.g. how much the gifts in the 12 Days of Christmas would cost in today's dollars remind mainstream reporters what ridiculous whores for the Man they are
- Around Christmastime, everyone works as little as I do
- Drowning the crushing black clouds of S.A.D. in many favorite holiday shom-pan-yah drinks
- Tofu turkey
- Release of lots of ultra-violent big-budget Hollywood flicks to celebrate the birth of the Prince of Peace; Jake Busey possibly involved
- Getting stinkers drunk with boss at Xmas party, faxing photocopies of ass to Sydney office
- Holiday novelty songs
- Humiliatingly low sales figures by loser companies like etoys.com
- Another exciting round of separation-of-church-and-state anti-creche lawsuits
- Woolly hats
- Kristi Yamaguchi Skating Rink at the Embarcadero
- Sierra Nevada Christmas Ale
- USF students go home; lots of street parking around my house
- The crushing black clouds of shom-pan-yah skullcrack hangover the day after drowning the crushing black clouds of S.A.D. in many favorite holiday shom-pan-yah drinks
- Pigdog Journal Annual Christmas Essay Contest
- Mitchell Brothers Theater seems extra-super degenerate and pathetic this time of year
- Kinky dreidel-as-butt-plug games
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
An innocent trip to the Central Market resulted in a severe attack of arachnophobia (and a meal) when a depraved street kid set her vicious pet spider on an unsuspecting shopper. (More...)
Pigdog brings you SETI astronomer Seth Shostak to bring you the truth about Ay-leens (More...)
Johnny Royale loves his Trackman ultra pointer thingy. It's coolio! Read all about it! (More...)
This was an old standby back in my poor college days. Back then the goal was to get butt fucking wasted for as little money as possible. The problem was we hated dirt cheap beer - and some weekends, even Henry's was far more lucre then we could scratch together. So we invented Red. (More...)
It’s election night. My wife and I are holed-up in this hotel that my political party has rented out for the evening. Outside, people are being violently beaten for whom they voted for. Is this South Africa? Perhaps we’re in Haiti or some Southern state during the 60’s. Of all the places where this sort of thing happens, it’s mind-boggling that we are in Portland, Maine. (More...)
