Build Date: Sun May 19 19:00:10 2024 UTC
I don't think one has to be very evolved to find a job in Idaho.
-- Head Freezin' Gene
Light and Time and Bars -- Reported 1998-01-03 13:41 by Patient Joab (and Steve) | |
This editorial is not about those idiotic fools who, time and time again, put clocks on walls where you can't see them. Rather this editorial is about time itself. Now, everyone knows that the light leaving the sun takes almost seven minutes to get to our cranial balls. Now, if you are at a bar and you see that the clock reads 2 AM [NOTE TO MR BAD: PLEASE INSERT WHATEVER CLOSING TIME YOU GUYS HAVE OUT IN CA] [NOTE BACK TO JOAB: WE HAVE THE SAME CLOSING TIME AS YOU HAVE IN BALTIMORE], you take in consideration that this clock is 15 minutes fast, because that's bar-time. But there's another fact that many people neglect to consider, namely that the clock is not moving, only the hands are! That is, many people think that the clock is moving, but in fact only the hands of the clock are moving. The rest of the clock is stuck to the wall! Therefore, by the time it takes the light of the clock to reach your eyes, the time displayed will not be correct (even if it is not set 15 minutes fast). That means ordinary, stationary clocks are absolutely incapable of rendering an accurate time display. But the linguistic confusion doesn't end there. The language we use to describe time and clocks is rich with comparisons to other junk. Clocks have faces and hands but are not human. Some big clocks are are almost eight feet tall. Now, compare my beer mug to the mug of a clock. My mug may be full of beer but a clock's mug is full of numbers. Can't drink them. On the other hand, there are a number of ounces of beer in my mug. It's paradoxes like these that make quantum physics so confusing to ordinary people like you! Yes, we can tell time, but time can't tell us what kind of cereal to buy. Nonetheless, time has told us many things, like the time I was at the bar and didn't know what time it was because the clock was on the wrong wall. The lesson here is that you can take a clock off the wall but you can't stop time, and you can't stop the bars from closing either (at least not until 2 AM). Some say time controls us, but others say it doesn't; rather, we wind it up. Everyone has free time, but only if they look at someone else's clock. It would take people on the sun seven minutes to see my clock, except for the fact that I hid it on a wall where they can't see it. In summary, if a clock travels toward you at the speed of light, at the time of impact, you would know precisely what time it was, without question! |
T O P S T O R I E S
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
Gary Busey definitely involved in a hit and run accident
Gary Busey was definitely involved in a hit-and-run accident, but won't face any charges because he's rich and famous. (More...)
Gary Busey allegedly involved in Malibu hit-and-run
"Sir! You hit my car! I need your information!" the woman yelled at Gary Busey driving a battered Volvo station wagon before he sped off. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
Brother Wayne Lays Down the Truth
Flesh interviews Wayne Kramer of MC5. (More...)
The Ancient and Correct Sake Ceremony
Many Americans have learned to appreciate the delicate, sophisticated flavors of Japanese food and drink, along with the beautifully refined rituals of Japanese dining. San Francisco, as a gateway between East and West, has especially benefited from the flowering of Eastern consciousness in America. It is hardly possible to walk down the street without stepping on somebody's sushi. (More...)
My experiment is a failure. Rockstar-and-Robitussin tastes like day-after-Halloween bile. I'm trying to choke down enough to discover the effects, but no matter what those are one thing is certain at the outset: what I have discovered is not a Beverage, but a pale green and angry iced abomination.
You were right: science is not for the weak of will nor stomach. (More...)
We here in SMRL's Beverage Research Lab realize that there is more to life than just drinking spocktails. It's important to have other activities. One such activity that we wholeheartedly support is dancing six or more hours to Trance music. So we have designed a drink to accommodate this. (More...)