Build Date: Fri Dec 19 13:50:32 2025 UTC
I disappear in a puff of logic!
-- Doctor Murdock
Ass play stops heart attacks
2024-04-03 17:49:00
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass.
The details are covered in the report Instantly Converting Atrial Fibrillation into Sinus Rhythm by a Digital Rectal Exam on a 29-year-Old Male.
The paper states that Vagal maneuvers cause increase in vagal tone, which has been shown to slow many types supraventricular tachycardia, such as atrial fibrillation (AF). However, the conversion of AF to sinus rhythm is usually not associated with vagal manuvers. Thus, AF is classically treated with medication and electrical cardioversion. Here, we present a 29-year-old male with no cardiovascular history and a low atherosclerotic risk profile who developed AF which converted into sinus rhythm immediately after a digital rectal exam. The patient remained asymptomatic after a 3-month follow-up. This implies that the digital rectal exam can be considered as an additional attempt to convert AF to sinus rhythm in AF patients.
To break that down:
"Vagal maneuvers cause increase in vagal tone" -- "vagal maneuvers" means massaging certain areas around the heart and neck.
"has been shown to slow many types supraventricular tachycardia" -- this type of massage can help to slow down a fast or erratic heartbeat.
"such as atrial fibrillation (AF)" -- a type of erratic heartbeat.
"However, the conversion of AF to sinus rhythm is usually not associated with vagal manuvers." -- you usually can't get someone with an erratic heartbeat to return to a normal rhythm just by massaging their neck.
"Thus, AF is classically treated with medication and electrical cardioversion" -- since massage is no good, if someone has an erratic heartbeat we give them drugs or zap them with electricity.
"Here, we present a 29-year-old male with no cardiovascular history and a low atherosclerotic risk profile who developed AF which converted into sinus rhythm" -- we had a 29 year old male patient who had an erratic heartbeat and we fixed it.
"immediately after a digital rectal exam" -- I stuck one of my digits (fingers) up his ass to see what was going on up there. Since he has an irregular heartbeat before I finger-banged him and a normal heartbeat after, finger-banging his ass is what fixed him.
"The patient remained asymptomatic after a 3-month follow-up." -- the patient continued to have a normal heartbeat when he came in for a follow-up visit 3 months later.
"This implies that the digital rectal exam can be considered as an additional attempt to convert AF to sinus rhythm in AF patients." -- If you have a patient with an irregular heartbeat, try sticking a finger up their ass and see what happens.
Dr. Ruan made the discovery while working at the New York Hospital Medical Center of Queens/Weil Cornell Medical College Affiliated Hospital, Department of Internal Medicine in Flushing, NY.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Ratsnatcher gets HOT HOT HOT in this classic road tale that looks at the steamy underworld of Bay Area Linux advocacy. Loosen your collar for this one! (More...)
It was the night of the Leonid meteor showers -- the perfect opportunity to break out the evil opaline liquor, get madder than hatters, and test wireless ethernet hardware... Would the plunging meteorites interfere with the 2.4GHz band? What about our delicate brain waves? (More...)
Johnnie Royale's Guide to Wakes
Wakes can present problems for Bad People of the Future. (If you don't know what a BPotF is, you need to read more of the PDJ.) Sure, your friend is gone and you miss him and that really sucks; it does, I know. But all Bad People of the Future are gonna die, and they have all accepted that fact. They do deserve, however, to have one final kickass party to celebrate all the bad things they've done in the past, present and future. And you, as a friend, have to make sure that their desire for a final send off is well executed (sorry for the pun). That's just the way of BPotFdom. (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
It was early in May last year when I first heard about Spock Mountain Research Labs. I was working on a story about a Hungarian scientist's new approach to nucleopeptide synthesis when I got a call from my friend Albert. (More...)
The end of summer is near and sirens call of Black Rock City are beginning to summons Pigdoggers from all of the world to Burning Man. Spock Mountain Research Labs (SMRL), the world leader in beverage science and leisure technology will be at our second home for a week at 5:00 and Infant (how fitting) as we enjoy the liberated lifestyle of a temporary community 200 miles from nowhere... (More...)
