Build Date: Tue Sep 23 07:30:20 2025 UTC
Bill Gates is such an idiot he had initials burned into my ass.
-- rotten elf
Upstart American Spirits Puts Ancient Wisdom in Every Pack
Reported 1999-06-20 14:27 by Mr. Bad
| It's not often that in the hardscrabble tobacco industry a new kid on the block can make a dent in the market share of the Giants of Smoking like RJR and Philip Morris. And yet, that's exactly what scrappy upstart American Spirit has done, gaining 15% share in the all-important 18-24 target demographic in the 5 years since they entered the fray. | |
| How do they do it, you ask? The New Mexico-based corporation has a secret weapon up its sleeve: the traditional cigarette-making wisdom of an ancient and noble people. | |
| American Spirits cigarettes are the collective pride of the citizens of the Waiala Pueblo Tribe, located 150 mi. northeast of Santa Fe. The Waiala have created tobacco products by hand since time immemorial. | |
| "Our elders say that the first cigarette was created by our Father the Sun after begetting all the things of the earth by our Mother the Moon," Waiala leader Sam Tchakaiolo informed Pigdog Journal during a recent visit to the Great Southwest. "We celebrate the post-coital glow of the All-Father each time we make a relaxing American Spirit cigarette." | |
| Tchakaiolo, the wiry, sun-wrinkled 54-year-old kapa or "cigarette big man" of the Waiala, led us on a tour of the scenic Waiala Pueblo where American Spirits are made. PJ was surprised to see that cigarette production on a massive scale goes on side-by-side with traditional tribal living. | |
| "This is our way of life," the kapa explained. "Sooner ask us to stop eating coyote-gut stew, to stop selling firecrackers and anatomically-correct novelty statuettes by the roadside, than to stop producing 50,000 gross of regular, light, wide and menthol cigarettes per day." | |
| American Spirits begin in the terraced tobacco fields of Waiala Pueblo, hand-carved into the 4000-foot high walls of the Waiala Mesa. The back-breaking labor of tending the fields is performed by the married women of their tribe, who can often be seen bent in a permanent agonizing stoop over the green, leafy tobacco rows, and occasionally falling to their deaths on the canyon floor below. | |
| No chemical pesticides or fertilizers are used on the plants. "We fertilize them with corn husks, fish skeletons and human dung," says Tchakaiolo. "This gives American Spirit cigarettes their unique 'close-to-nature' flavor." | |
| Once the tobacco is harvested, dried, and chopped, it's on to the rolling kiva. It's here that we find the traditional rolling paper, made from mesquite wood chewed for hours by the tribe's virgins, stamped flat by foot and dried in the life-draining desert sun. Also on hand are filters made of finest lambs' wool, sheered from the nether regions of the newborn females on the night of the first full moon in the Spring. | |
| Rolling the cigarettes themselves, though, is the province of the tribe's warriors. | |
| "The men of the tribe prepare for hours in the kiva, or religious trailers, of our reservation," explains Ivan Kachumoro, the garana or "rolling big man" of the Waiala. "We fry on all kinds of crazy-ass desert plants for, like, _days_. You ever try to roll 100,000 cigarettes? You'd wanna be heap big fucked up, too." | |
| Once spiritually and physically prepared for the task of rolling, the men sit in the circular rolling kiva and begin their task. Taking a filter and a handful of tobacco between the fingers of his right hand, the warrior tears off a square of paper in his left, and with a flick of his wrist, a perfect cigarette is made. This is repeated thousands upon thousands of times per day. | |
| Finally, the finishing touches are put on the cigarette itself. A thin gold band is painted around the filter end of the butt. "We had some problem coming up with all that gold," admits Tchakaiolo, "We made a deal with the Mexican government to use the melted-down remains of Aztec ceremonial masks. Turns out there's international indigenous peoples' agreements out there that allow us to desecrate priceless works of all humanity for our own gain. Who'd a thunk it?" | |
| As cigarettes are made, they are gathered into packs of twenty (a holy number to the Waiala) in the hands of small, dirty children who run them over to the Packing Pueblo. Here, the eldest, wisest women in this matriarchal society put the cigarettes in their final packages and seal the closure with a brief chant and wave of a smudge stick. | |
| The packages themselves are made by hand by in Waiala Pueblo. Tin ore for the foil is mined on ancestral lands 200 miles away and carried by llama back to the Pueblo, where it is smelted over dense, hot buffalo-dung fires. | |
| The cellophane wrapper is harvested from the plentiful ana'i, or cellophanus cactus -- it's peeled like sunburnt skin off the plant's outer husk. Finally, the paper shell of the package is lovingly hand-painted by a skilled artisan after much prayer and fasting. | |
| But what about the logo on the American Spirits package, a silhouette of what is obviously a Plains Indian smoking a peace-pipe, not a cigarette? | |
| "Well," Tchaikaolo says, "our most revered elder was visited in a dream by Kahi'iki Pa'ona, the Kachina of Marketing. He was told that having a picture of one of us Southwest Indians with our traditional Moe the Stooge haircut just wasn't gonna get us anywhere. So we use the Chief, there, instead." | |
| Yet more proof that modern wisdom, matched with ancient ways, makes for good business! |
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
The Ancient and Correct Sake Ceremony
Many Americans have learned to appreciate the delicate, sophisticated flavors of Japanese food and drink, along with the beautifully refined rituals of Japanese dining. San Francisco, as a gateway between East and West, has especially benefited from the flowering of Eastern consciousness in America. It is hardly possible to walk down the street without stepping on somebody's sushi. (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
The IBM Selectric Typewriter Changed My Life
I ran my hands lovingly across her frame, lightly brushing her metallic nipples with my fingers, admiring the shapes and the ways of her curves, the empathetic hum she produced as I had my way with her, the way she made it all seem so effortless and right... she didn't even seem to mind the way I roughly manipulated her knobs and tweaked her casing. She was extremely tolerant, for a typewriter. (More...)
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
One of our star reporters was sent to Comdex by his employer. El Destino reports live from the biggest, geekiest trade show in the world. (More...)
High Availability Guinness Stress Test
All too often we forget the incredible depth of technology behind the weekly ritual of TNiPN@*. We tend to only become aware of the strategy of High Available Guinness (HAG) when it rises to the forefront during a complete and utter venue failure. Yet we should all be super grateful that this system exists. (More...)
