Asking Jeeves
2002-06-10 21:54:09

Laughable Technology
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
-- Tee Mans


A transcript of an actual search session from Ask.com:

Q. Why is life so hard?

A. Ask: "Where can I compare prices for 'hard'"?

Q. Why do bad things happen to good people?

A. Try these search terms to see more answers: Bad People.

Q. Bad People?

A. You may find my search results helpful: Pigdog Journal — The Online Handbook For Bad People of the Future

Q. Why are you taunting me like this?

A. You may find my search results helpful: Teasing and taunting led girl to end her life

Q. So I should kill myself?

A. You may find my search results helpful: When is it OK to kill someone? (Survey Central)

Q: How can I die?

A: You may find my search results helpful: Dies at Precision Punch Dies at Precision Punch Corp. We ship worldwide. A premier manufacturer of punches, dies, perforators, forged pins, mold pins, die buttons and blanks. Contact us for ordering info.

Q. But won't that hurt?

A. You may find my search results helpful: Leonard Pitts Jr.: Hateful attack won't hurt us as it will you

Q. Will death be sweet?

A. You may find this featured listing helpful: LegalMatch Finds YOU Contracts Lawyers! Need legal help with a will? LegalMatch is the smart solution! Anonymously post your case and pre-screened attorneys respond.

Q. Are you possessed by Satan?

A. You may find my search results helpful: POSSESSED By Satan Use this to navigate my other pages

Q. Where can I sell my soul?

A. www.bidpay.com has sponsored this HELPFUL HINT: Money orders are fast, reliable and now available online. www.bidpay.com: A lower fee.

Q. Do you eat babies?

A. You may find this featured listing helpful: Baby information from Nestle: One of the largest resources for expecting and new moms. We offer everything from nutrition tips and development milestones to recipes for your whole family.

Q. Gross.

A. You may find these sponsored links helpful: Find Your Ancestors! Find your Gross ancestors now. Search the world's largest online genealogy service and start building your family tree.

Q. Are you talking shit about my mama?

A. Ask: "Why is poop brown?"

Q. Why is poop brown?

A. [framed from www.smellypoop.com] Poop is mostly shades of brown or yellow, but other colors can arise under certain circumstances. For example, someone with a bleeding ulcer might have tarry black poop from the presence of partially digested blood. Bleeding in the intestine, from an anal fissure or split, for example, can stain the poop red. Some illnesses in babies gives them green or even blue-green poop.

Q. But I didn't really want to know about crap, Jeeves. What I want is amusement and enlightenment; I want hope and solace; I want to be promised my heart's desire. I want the story of the decade and the love of the millennium. I want beauty and riches. I want safety for my family and blessings for my friends. That's what I'm asking for.

A. Ask: "Where can I compare prices for 'riches'"?

Q. Well, okay then.

A. We found no matches for your search.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.


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