Build Date: Sun Sep 7 00:40:16 2025 UTC
Gentle Reader, The Word will leap on you with leopard man iron claws, it will cut off fingers and toes like an opportunist land crab, it will coil round your thighs like a bushmaster and inject a shot glass of rancid ectoplasm.
-- WSB
Asking Jeeves
2002-06-10 21:54:09
A transcript of an actual search session from Ask.com:
Q. Why is life so hard?
A. Ask: "Where can I compare prices for 'hard'"?
Q. Why do bad things happen to good people?
A. Try these search terms to see more answers: Bad People.
Q. Bad People?
A. You may find my search results helpful: Pigdog Journal — The Online Handbook For Bad People of the Future
Q. Why are you taunting me like this?
A. You may find my search results helpful: Teasing and taunting led girl to end her life
Q. So I should kill myself?
A. You may find my search results helpful: When is it OK to kill someone? (Survey Central)
Q: How can I die?
A: You may find my search results helpful: Dies at Precision Punch Dies at Precision Punch Corp. We ship worldwide. A premier manufacturer of punches, dies, perforators, forged pins, mold pins, die buttons and blanks. Contact us for ordering info.
Q. But won't that hurt?
A. You may find my search results helpful: Leonard Pitts Jr.: Hateful attack won't hurt us as it will you
Q. Will death be sweet?
A. You may find this featured listing helpful: LegalMatch Finds YOU Contracts Lawyers! Need legal help with a will? LegalMatch is the smart solution! Anonymously post your case and pre-screened attorneys respond.
Q. Are you possessed by Satan?
A. You may find my search results helpful: POSSESSED By Satan Use this to navigate my other pages
Q. Where can I sell my soul?
A. www.bidpay.com has sponsored this HELPFUL HINT: Money orders are fast, reliable and now available online. www.bidpay.com: A lower fee.
Q. Do you eat babies?
A. You may find this featured listing helpful: Baby information from Nestle: One of the largest resources for expecting and new moms. We offer everything from nutrition tips and development milestones to recipes for your whole family.
Q. Gross.
A. You may find these sponsored links helpful: Find Your Ancestors! Find your Gross ancestors now. Search the world's largest online genealogy service and start building your family tree.
Q. Are you talking shit about my mama?
A. Ask: "Why is poop brown?"
Q. Why is poop brown?
A. [framed from www.smellypoop.com] Poop is mostly shades of brown or yellow, but other colors can arise under certain circumstances. For example, someone with a bleeding ulcer might have tarry black poop from the presence of partially digested blood. Bleeding in the intestine, from an anal fissure or split, for example, can stain the poop red. Some illnesses in babies gives them green or even blue-green poop.
Q. But I didn't really want to know about crap, Jeeves. What I want is amusement and enlightenment; I want hope and solace; I want to be promised my heart's desire. I want the story of the decade and the love of the millennium. I want beauty and riches. I want safety for my family and blessings for my friends. That's what I'm asking for.
A. Ask: "Where can I compare prices for 'riches'"?
Q. Well, okay then.
A. We found no matches for your search.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Our man Daemon Agent checks out the heavy heavy sounds of crazy space surf rockers Man or Astroman?. (More...)
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
The Liquidation of Hobo Junction
Albany, CA's homeless hooverville by the Bay, "Hobo Junction," is going to be torn down by The Man. Entrances are already being blocked off, and it's now difficult and dangerous to get there. Worse, these obstacles are making it hard to get to the nearby HORSE TRACK on foot. Local historian, Pao Tzu, has an overview of situation. (More...)
My dear and close friend, Porn Maven Shannon Mariemont, sent me a titillating message the other day about her new project: the PornOrchestra. Her desire, at most, is to reinvent the porn soundtrack and, at least, to receive a cease-and-desist order like all her cool friends did last year. (More...)
Hooray! At long last, a NEW Spocktail of the Week! Kid-tested, mother-approved! (More...)
Brother Wayne Lays Down the Truth
Flesh interviews Wayne Kramer of MC5. (More...)
