Light and Time and Bars -- Reported 1998-01-03 13:41 by Patient Joab (and Steve) | |
![]() |
This editorial is not about those idiotic fools who, time and time again, put clocks on walls where you can't see them. Rather this editorial is about time itself. Now, everyone knows that the light leaving the sun takes almost seven minutes to get to our cranial balls. Now, if you are at a bar and you see that the clock reads 2 AM [NOTE TO MR BAD: PLEASE INSERT WHATEVER CLOSING TIME YOU GUYS HAVE OUT IN CA] [NOTE BACK TO JOAB: WE HAVE THE SAME CLOSING TIME AS YOU HAVE IN BALTIMORE], you take in consideration that this clock is 15 minutes fast, because that's bar-time. But there's another fact that many people neglect to consider, namely that the clock is not moving, only the hands are! That is, many people think that the clock is moving, but in fact only the hands of the clock are moving. The rest of the clock is stuck to the wall! Therefore, by the time it takes the light of the clock to reach your eyes, the time displayed will not be correct (even if it is not set 15 minutes fast). That means ordinary, stationary clocks are absolutely incapable of rendering an accurate time display. But the linguistic confusion doesn't end there. The language we use to describe time and clocks is rich with comparisons to other junk. Clocks have faces and hands but are not human. Some big clocks are are almost eight feet tall. Now, compare my beer mug to the mug of a clock. My mug may be full of beer but a clock's mug is full of numbers. Can't drink them. On the other hand, there are a number of ounces of beer in my mug. It's paradoxes like these that make quantum physics so confusing to ordinary people like you! Yes, we can tell time, but time can't tell us what kind of cereal to buy. Nonetheless, time has told us many things, like the time I was at the bar and didn't know what time it was because the clock was on the wrong wall. The lesson here is that you can take a clock off the wall but you can't stop time, and you can't stop the bars from closing either (at least not until 2 AM). Some say time controls us, but others say it doesn't; rather, we wind it up. Everyone has free time, but only if they look at someone else's clock. It would take people on the sun seven minutes to see my clock, except for the fact that I hid it on a wall where they can't see it. In summary, if a clock travels toward you at the speed of light, at the time of impact, you would know precisely what time it was, without question! |
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Songs Of Love And Special Things
Well, dear reader, there's no denying it: Spring has sprung. The air is pungent with the fertile aroma of Romance. And you know what goes with Romance, don't you? That's right, Lover, porn. And not just any porn, but the kind you can sing along to. (More...)
So I was walking around the Tenderloin looking for stray twenty-dollar-bills that might have fallen into gutters, and I was thinking, as I often do, about my mother. (More...)
Brother Wayne Lays Down the Truth
Flesh interviews Wayne Kramer of MC5. (More...)
The Peppermill Is Not Good For You
Paradise lounge on the strip. Expense it, bad boy! (More...)
Pigdog Journal's crack interview team gangs up on avant-garde Dutch musician SOLEX; bad craziness ensues. Yet another fabulous PIGDOG INTERVIEW. For REAL. (More...)
It was early in May last year when I first heard about Spock Mountain Research Labs. I was working on a story about a Hungarian scientist's new approach to nucleopeptide synthesis when I got a call from my friend Albert. (More...)