Build Date: Sat Sep 30 22:50:34 2023 UTC

I'll condescend to you all I want, bee-yatch. If you don't want to be condescended to, don't act like a putz.
-- Mr. Bad

Siduri

Saeva indignatio! Punk rock!

The name 'Siduri' was originally used in 1940's pulp science fiction publishing as a generic, recognizable name for all anonymous submissions felt to be worthy of print. Publishers were surprised when, in 1952, an author took on that name. In interviews, Siduri admitted that she was not the author of these anonymous pieces, but was, in fact, a composite personality reverse-engineered from the published pieces. As a literary construct taken flesh, Siduri does not age and cannot be harmed, but she rapidly grew tired of the genre she had mastered, and moved on to other genres. In the 1960's, she mastered how-to technical manuals. In the 70's, she revolutionized Swahili-language erotica. The 80's saw Siduri as the master of the clown action thriller, and in the 90's, high school yearbooks went through a renaissance thanks to Siduri's intervention. This decade, Siduri has decided to grace the world of Journals for Bad People of the Future. A similar revolution can rightly be expected.

Pigdog Journal Articles

2007-06-08

Free Paris!
Yeah, so Paris got out of jail free, and I for one hope she stays out. Cause I got no time for the haters. I celebrate Paris Hilton.

2003-08-08

You Morons Don't Deserve Freedom
So, I've been getting a lot of feedback from readers interested in the Mike Hawash case. Hawash ended up admitting that he wanted to go to Afghanistan and fight with the Taliban, as you can see over at www.freemikehawash.org.

2003-04-23

Free Mike Hawash!
So, you're coming home from work, when suddenly armed government agents show up in the parking lot and take you away to prison. They also send a team, armed with assault rifles and bulletproof vests, into your home to confront your wife and kids. You don't know what you possibly could have done, and nobody will tell you anything. You stay in prison. Weeks go by.

2002-08-01

Nauseating Blog Crap Gets Published
Let me tell you about a stupid book: The Weblog Handbook by Rebecca Blood. It's a book! About weblogs! It's treacly and inane!

2002-07-09

Ragged Band of Indomitable Celts Stage Desperate Last Stand Against Hedgehog Imperialists
In the year of our lord two thousand and two, patriots of Scotland, starving and outnumbered, will charge the Western Isles. They will fight like warrior poets. They will fight like Scotsmen. And win their freedom. From hedgehogs.

2002-06-28

I Have Something To Tell You...
Picture this. You're in a Hallmark store, looking for exactly the right card to send to your mother. Nothing's working for you, and you're running out of options. Then you yank the last card out of the rack. On the front it's got a soft-focus photograph of two babies kissing a kitten, and there are also violets. You open it up.

2002-06-10

Asking Jeeves
A transcript of an actual search session from Ask.com:

2002-06-03

A Treatise Prepared for the Gallup Organization on the Symbolism of the Scarab
Well dahlings, the response to my new tarot column has been quite overwhelming. I got three whole pieces of mail requesting my arcane insight. One asked why blogs suck so much, and one was a completely incomprehensible tale of bears shitting random numbers in the woods — I am fairly certain it was a cryptographic allegory. Howsomever, only ONE of the inquiries was accompanied by a crisp ten-dollar bill, and so it's the Gallup Organization that will this week reap the benefit of my wicked pack of cards.

2002-06-02

Legends of the Big Gulp
One of the rewards of having friends from different ethnic and cultural backgrounds is that, by sharing their rituals and traditions, your own horizons are broadened. I've recently had the luck to witness a bit of the rich heritage shared by white boys in the bedroom community of Walnut Creek. The traditional foodways of Walnut Creek include many spicy and exotic dishes such as Mini Pizza Pockets and Instant Four-Cheese Pasta Helper. But flavorful as they are, none of these foods share in the loving reverence - the intense mystique - that surrounds the Big Gulp.

2002-05-29

Go Go Guinea Pigs
Robert Helms makes a living volunteering for medical experiments. Though Helms — and almost all guinea pigs — get paid for their participation in medical trials, they are still "volunteers" according to a byzantine legal code. They are compensated for their time, not paid to ingest medicine. He and "guinea pigs" like him have learned the intimate art of taking catheters in their veins, tubes in their intestines, EKG electrodes on their nipples.

2002-05-11

Things My Momma Taught Me
So I was walking around the Tenderloin looking for stray twenty-dollar-bills that might have fallen into gutters, and I was thinking, as I often do, about my mother.

2002-05-03

Quit Washing NOW!!
This is an urgent Pigdog advisory to all loyal viewers. Please quit bathing, now. Thank you.

2002-04-28

What a Fucking Nightmare
In an apparent attempt to exact sadistic revenge for the decline of the British Empire in the modern age, a pair of English artistes have sworn to create and inflict upon their audience a three-part symphony played entirely through the ring-tones of thirty mobile phones. They're calling it the "New Ring Cycle."

2002-04-28

The One I Feel Sorry For Is Joses
We've had a lot of Jesus coverage lately here at the PDJ. But let's face it, we're not exactly cutting-edge in this subject area. Jesus has been making headlines for, oh, I guess it's a couple thousand years now. Jesus is a very strong brand. Jesus has a lot of mindshare.

2002-04-22

Quantum Deep-Fried Electrodiddle If I Ever Saw It
So I saw this news article titled "Hydrogel-Based Nanoparticles Make Photonic Crystals." And I have no real idea what any of those words mean, but I think I really like them.

2002-04-22

The Ancient and Correct Sake Ceremony
Many Americans have learned to appreciate the delicate, sophisticated flavors of Japanese food and drink, along with the beautifully refined rituals of Japanese dining. San Francisco, as a gateway between East and West, has especially benefited from the flowering of Eastern consciousness in America. It is hardly possible to walk down the street without stepping on somebody's sushi.

2002-04-03

Bruce Banner Beans
This whole genetically-modified food debate has been very difficult for me. On the one hand you have reactionary hippies pitching a fit, and I'm pretty used to agreeing with those people. But on the other hand you have mad wild-haired scientists violating the very laws of God and Earth, and I love those guys too! It's like if Gabrielle got into a fight with Agent Scully. How could I choose?

2002-03-14

The Oracular Pigdog
Alright kids, this is the column where you write in with the lurid details of your personal lives, and I put them on the Internet for everyone to snicker at. But also, I give you a free Tarot reading, so there's that.

2002-02-28

Canadians Not So Different After All
Nobody wants to be prejudiced. But sometimes you can be biased and not even realize it. I think many Americans are biased in this way against Canadians. I never really stopped to think about it, but I myself used to be this way. I guess I thought that Canadians were "stuck-up" — you know, smarter and better cultured than us. But then I got educated about Canadia.

2002-02-26

Gay Penguin Entertainers Must Not Pander to Stereotypes
An open letter to Wendell and Cass: Let me start by saying that I am a big fan. I have not had the pleasure of seeing your live act at the New York Aquarium, but I think it is just wonderful that homosexual flightless aquatic birds such as yourself have been able to appeal to audiences across the East Coast, and even to tourists from more distant locales. It is really great that onstage opportunities are opening up for entertainers of all species and sexual persuasions.

2002-02-24

Down at the Money Mart
It's not like I have a heroin problem, see. I'm just a self-indulgent brat who likes to live beyond her means. When I zip down to my corner Money Mart for a little cash-till-payday loan, I'm really not planning to spend it on drugs. I'll spend it on sushi. Seventy bucks of interest for a two-week $400 loan is perfectly reasonable, if you really need that hamachi.

2002-02-07

Three Days and 25 Spocktails: A Cautionary Tale
Johnnie Royale picked me up from the dental surgery. I felt warm, safe, cradled in the anathesia's loving embrace. The pharmacy downstairs gave me a bottle of Vicodin and a few instructions: take it with food, don't mix with alcohol, don't operate heavy machinery. I put it in my pocket and we left. "Do you want to go home, or do you want to go to a bar?" asked Johnnie.

2002-01-08

Marvel of Love Savagely Destroyed by Brutal World
What began as a deeply touching story of love ended as a vaguely nauseating story of meat, reports the BBC. It could have been an example of tenderness and innocence triumphing over the brutal constraints of animal savagery. But this is a true story.

2001-12-21

Interviewing the SETIguy
Pigdog brings you SETI astronomer Seth Shostak to bring you the truth about Ay-leens

2001-12-14

I Sure Was Dumb
I never really believed things could get this bad.

2001-11-08

Ever Hear of the Flag Code, Asshole?
My fellow Americans. In this time of trial we must stand together, wary and vigilant, and we must respond with united strength to any who would violate our laws and attack the symbols of our greatness. I'm talking, of course, about all those yahoos who are treating the American flag like it's a goddamn car ornament or something. Ever hear of the Flag Code, jerkoffs? Well, it doesn't really matter, because ignorance of the law is no excuse.

2001-09-08

I Hate That Fucker Andrew Jackson
If I had Andrew Jackson in my reach right now, I'd grab him by the throat and squeeze until his cocksucking mouth turned blue and cold. I'd take an icepick to those fishy little eyes. I'd tear out that oh-so-windblown bouffant hair of his and rub salted fire ants into his bleeding skull. And why would I do these things? Because I'm a patriot.

Offsite links shared by the author

2003-04-16

Modern Drunkard Magazine
Because Fairfax is not an isolated incident.

2003-02-06

Crab Vs. Pipe
A little lesson in the power of pressure, with gratuitous animal death for your enlightenment and amusement.

2002-05-17

One for the Apple Knowledge Base
Did Celine Dion hax0r your Mac? Here's how to defeat Sony's super-duper new copy protection, using sophisticated cracker tools like a marker pen and a piece of sticky tape.

2002-04-23

Cool Magnetic Brain Savant Shit
How magnetism will make us super smart!

2002-02-20

NewMP3Free Is Not Responsible For Anything
In a move legal analysts worldwide are describing as both daring and brilliant, NewMp3Free.com has declared itself "Not Responsible For Anything."

2002-02-11

World's Oldest Ralph
Scientists say: "We believe this is the first time the existence of fossil vomit on a grand scale has been proven beyond reasonable doubt."

2002-01-29

Minas Tirith Uber Alles
Let's all go to hobbit camp!

2002-01-22

Which Online Personality Test Are You?
Take an online personality quiz to find out which online personality quiz you would be, if you were an online personality quiz.

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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