Pagan Christmas -- Reported 1998-12-27 22:07 by Pao Tzu | |
![]() |
Pao Tzu's Christmas essay comes in a few days late and a few dollars short. But, considering that no one else but he and Lenny submitted essays, he gets the 1st Runner-up prize in the Pigdog Journal Christmas Essay Contest. It's a travesty of justice, but what can you do? -- Ed. The Christmas holiday is an adaptation of the pagan winter solstice rites. Pagans in northwestern Europe conducted a yearly celebration which is remarkably similar to the Christmas we know today. There are key differences which I will attempt to enumerate in this essay. Most pagans lived together in small communities and/or nomadic groups which included all members of their family who were not married out to other communities. In many cases, these family groups were brought together by marriages resulting in common kin. In the western tradition of Christmas, families are scattered about with bookmakers taking long odds as to the probability that everyone will show up. The Christmas holiday is complicated by the exchange of presents which causes many family members not to participate because of their own cheapness. Gift giving among pagans was almost entirely mutual, utilitarian, and practical. Things commonly exchanged included livestock, lard, intoxicants, and wives. However, in the Western tradition, it is more common for family to give each other bulky items they know will be of absolutely no use. This is the case with beanie babies, furby, popcorn makers, preserved meats, and cars. More often than not, the western practice of gift giving ends with both sides feeling lousy as a result of the exchange. One side for giving too rich a gift, the other for a gift which was poor (i.e. Peter Vella.) Trees play an important role in the winter holidays. In pagan tradition, these trees were cut down for firewood and the sap which allowed people to paint their bodies with solanaceous plant extracts and dance in a dehydrated frenzy for hours on end. Christmas trees are also used for firewood but this is usually unintentional. A traditional pagan winter meal consists of very cheap but plentiful foodstuffs. Commonly used items are wild berries, mushrooms, and edible shrubs. The reason being that these small communities must eat very little of their staple goods as planting season is months away. Christmas meals usually consist of enough food to fill everyone who showed up as well as for everyone who didn't. This results in an overload of food, making everyone flatulent as well as lazy. Santa originates from the concept of "cinter claus," a scandanavian demi-god who led a pack of reindeer for the sole purpose of finding thieves, jumping them, and packing their stolen property into his gigantic sled. He commonly was aided by two or three thugs who painted their faces with soot in order shock potential targets. This myth was later translated by Americans into a fat man wearing red who dropped through chimneys and simply left things behind for those who were not thieves. Chakkahananuh, or however it is spelled, was invented by men with mutilated genitals in an attempt to stretch oil out as long as possible. Gifts are also exchanged during this holiday such as counterfeit diamonds. It is dissimilar from Christmas as everyone is not so encouraged to eat and drink themselves into oblivion. Most people who celebrate this variation of the winter solstice already live with their parents, grandparents, and possibly great-grandparents so there is no need for long-distance travel. |
T O P S T O R I E S
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
The Once & Future King of Dust
Only The Onion could have acquired Infowarts. (More...)
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
It’s election night. My wife and I are holed-up in this hotel that my political party has rented out for the evening. Outside, people are being violently beaten for whom they voted for. Is this South Africa? Perhaps we’re in Haiti or some Southern state during the 60’s. Of all the places where this sort of thing happens, it’s mind-boggling that we are in Portland, Maine. (More...)
The IBM Selectric Typewriter Changed My Life
I ran my hands lovingly across her frame, lightly brushing her metallic nipples with my fingers, admiring the shapes and the ways of her curves, the empathetic hum she produced as I had my way with her, the way she made it all seem so effortless and right... she didn't even seem to mind the way I roughly manipulated her knobs and tweaked her casing. She was extremely tolerant, for a typewriter. (More...)
Our man Daemon Agent checks out the heavy heavy sounds of crazy space surf rockers Man or Astroman?. (More...)
High Availability Guinness Stress Test
All too often we forget the incredible depth of technology behind the weekly ritual of TNiPN@*. We tend to only become aware of the strategy of High Available Guinness (HAG) when it rises to the forefront during a complete and utter venue failure. Yet we should all be super grateful that this system exists. (More...)
Vacationing from Somnambulant Narrow Realities
So about six months ago, I was chilling in Chang Mai, Thailand with ICBINJ, perursing the Bangkok Times over my banana pancake and Big Chang breakfast when I spotted this article reprinted from the LA Times. It was about some kooks from California (where else?) who were claiming to have been to the front lines in Afgahnistan in mid-December and had recorded the whole feat on their website. "Holy Fuck!" I thought, "Now That's web journalism. Who are these guys!?" (More...)
Canadia Revealed: A Brief Guide to a Large Country
Recently Pigdog has received many letters from readers who are apparently puzzled and upset by our regular coverage of the mysterious nation north of our border, Canadia. (More...)