Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on...

Dear Lars, James, Kirk, and replacement bass guitarist who ruined the band,

In light of your recent attack on Napster, I would like to suggest some possible lawsuit ideas that you may have over-looked while "protecting" your music:

1. Used record stores. These stores are re-selling your music, and you aren't making one red cent off it. In some cases, they flat-out give it away to people who buy recordings put out by other bands! These unscrupulous people are not only stealing out of your pockets, but also encouraging people to buy products that might not be up to your high standards. I say "Hang 'em high and take 'em for everything you can get!

2. Manufacturers of technology that allow the user to record their own CDs. These gigantic fat-cat mega-corporations do nothing but encourage people to copy your CDs and rip you off. Teach them a lesson they aren't going to forget!

3. The manufacturers of blank cassettes. Sure, we all know that this was the format the helped build the band. And it's certainly the way that you, the band members, were able to possess the music of your favorite bands when you were first getting into Heavy Metal. But now these companies encourage people to make cheap, shoddy copies of your songs without paying out to you one thin dime! Go get 'em!

4. The Fans themselves. These ethically bankrupt punks let their scummy little friends borrow their copies of your CDs to listen to your music, and employ the previously mentioned formats to steal the food out of your mouths. Go on tour, start taking names and kicking ass!

In closing, I hope that this list may be both inspiring, and of great use to you. Don't let those thieving bastards rip you off!

Sincerely,

Flesh Eighty-six
Music Editor
Spock Mountain Research Labs

quintuplet@pigdog.org