If you find yourself smoking through a hole in your neck, it's time to quit.
-- Bill Hicks


Pigdog Christmas Wish Lists -- Compiled 1998-12-25 12:03 by Mr. Bad

We realize it's getting a little late in the game for you to get presents for the Pigdog Journal staff like you really should. But some of us are a little disappointed with this year's take and we thought we'd give the Fat Man one more chance to come through with the goods. And, no, we don't mean J.L. McCabe.

So, without further ado, here are the Pigdog Journal staff Christmas gift wish lists.


  • A sack o heads
  • Refried Beanie Babies
  • A Congressional censure
  • Tickle-Me-Christina-Ricci
  • Burning Man everyday

Master Squid:

  • 5000 rds of 55gr FMJ .223
  • 5000 rds of 150gr M2 Ball .30-06
  • Fajen Midnight laminated stock for the M1 Garand rifle
  • Dillon 550 progressive reloader
  • Two stage trigger for my AR-15

Mr. Bad:

  • stocking full of cocaine
  • Pulitzer Prize
  • Y2K safety cabin
  • limousine fully stocked with pornstars
  • nice socks
  • personal paratrooper unit to destroy my rivals


  • i want a fucking modem that doesn't fucking drop down to 1200 baud all the time.

[ED. NOTE: Chachi doesn't think very big.]


  • 6 months in Hawaii
  • All my credit cards to pay themselves off
  • A big sailboat full of booze and drugs
  • A tan
  • To wake up 2 inches taller
  • money, lots and lots of money


  • A machine that turns liquid waste into snow
  • An M1A2 Abrams
  • A Paasche D-2000 compressor with moisture trap, regulator and filter, and an Iwata three-way valve assembly
  • World Peace, except for Canadians
  • Trent Lott's private phone number
  • A Furby that finds and eats all other Furbies, then destroys itself
  • A "Tickle Me Thom Stark" doll
  • Three squares a day, a pack of Lucky Strikes and a sturdy hammock


  • A reason for Robin Leach to want interview me & my lifestyle
  • An extended and expense-free vacation... in a happy place... far, far away
  • For world peace to be more than a nice concept
  • For this Alaskan cold front to get the hell out of dodge (or at least Richmond)
  • Sleep!!!

Meg adds: "...and a happy holiday to y'all." Kiss-ass!

Abby says: "Okay, [Fat Man], here's a short, bitter list for your files. Stop whining. You didn't say they had to be *nice* lists... or particularly funny, for that matter.

"All I want for Christmas..."

  1. is for this holiday to be abolished
  2. is to find a job that doesn't make me want to kill (myself and others)
  3. is to get the hell out of Seattle
  4. is to see my freaking friends once in a while
  5. is for people to slow the fuck down and quit being so damned mean to one another
  6. is a big wad of cash so that 3 of the 5 things on this list could be obtainable or at least of no concern

Last and not least, El Destino:

  • Forgiving e-mail from Wil Shipley
  • "Extreme Minesweeper"
  • A job
  • A WebTV with Linux
  • Squash party with Queen Adrena
  • Steve Case's head
  • Netscape (The company....)
  • Furniture
  • Forgiving e-mail from Kim Rollins
  • My own theme

That's about it, for now. All gifts should be sent postage paid with adequate wrappings and receipts included so we can cash 'em in if we decide we don't want them after all.

Oh, and to all staffers who didn't send in a list: you're FUCKED. You don't get anything. And the rest of us don't have to share our loot with you, either. So there!

Meli Kalikimaka.


Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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