Burn them ALL! ALL of THEM!




I'm not a pyro. I don't like to watch things burn. I like to watch them explode.
-- Baron Earl


Free The Beanies -- Reported 1998-12-24 10:08 by Pao Tzu

From the AP Wire:

Fake Beanies Seized - (OAKLAND) -- Customs officials at the Port of Oakland have seized 250 thousand counterfeit Beanie Babies. The shipment, worth nearly two million dollars, arrived on a Chinese freighter.

After hearing about this travesty I decided to look into the matter myself. I made my way down to the holding cell at Alameda County jail where the Beanies were being kept temporarily. After talking with the guard, he said it was OK for me to see the Beanies.

I first talked to Santa '98.

Santa '98: "I couldn't believe it, when we hit the port, I thought we was home free. Fake! Hmph, this is the real Santa. Santa '98 baby!"

Pao: "I heard that this was a scheme on the part of the Communists to undermine the capitalist economy of the United States, particularly California. Is there any truth to this? Is the fake Beanie Baby operation funding Chinese spy operations in South Korea?"

Santa '98: "Hey look, I'm just a fake Santa right, I don't know nothin' about no Communist racket. You need to speak with Teddy '98 if you want answers."

Before I could find Teddy '98, I was approached by a fake Iggy Beanie.

Iggy: "Man, the horror, they lined us up on that ship right next to each other. We only had 6 inches of space between us and the next deck. You had to piss on yourself, poo on your neighbor, and hopefully aim your vomit onto Gobbles or Gigi."

Pao: "Do you feel that this is another example of China's Communist government violating basic human/Beanie Baby rights?"

Iggy: "Believe it, brother, we was stripped from our roots in the Shanghai sweat shop and brought straight on ships to serve your aristocratic shopping-addicted ass."

At this point I found Teddy '98. He seemed quite calm about the whole matter.

Teddy '98: "We'll be out of here in no time. This is only a minor technicality."

Pao: "What makes you say that?"

Teddy '98: "My connections will have us out of here and onto the shelves of Toys 'R' Us by tomorrow. There is nothing these Customs people in Oakland can do about it."

Pao: "How do you plan to get out of this holding cell?"

At this, the fake Doodle, who was missing from the original seizure, came riding on the fake Derby in front of the jailhouse.

Doodle: "Beanie Babies, listen up, Ambassador Cheng Lu says everything is being taken care of. He's already arranged for Lieutenant Jerry to negotiate your release tomorrow. Zip, Waddle, and Ants are already at the hideout in Chinatown."

I talked to the sheriff briefly about what I heard. He just shook his head and slipped me a hunny to keep me quiet. Obviously, I cannot be bought so easily.


Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.


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