E-sheep is like the best online site ever invented

     

 

 

You say potato... I say fuck you.
-- Johnnie Royale

 

Free The Beanies -- Reported 1998-12-24 10:08 by Pao Tzu

From the AP Wire:

Fake Beanies Seized - (OAKLAND) -- Customs officials at the Port of Oakland have seized 250 thousand counterfeit Beanie Babies. The shipment, worth nearly two million dollars, arrived on a Chinese freighter.

After hearing about this travesty I decided to look into the matter myself. I made my way down to the holding cell at Alameda County jail where the Beanies were being kept temporarily. After talking with the guard, he said it was OK for me to see the Beanies.

I first talked to Santa '98.

Santa '98: "I couldn't believe it, when we hit the port, I thought we was home free. Fake! Hmph, this is the real Santa. Santa '98 baby!"

Pao: "I heard that this was a scheme on the part of the Communists to undermine the capitalist economy of the United States, particularly California. Is there any truth to this? Is the fake Beanie Baby operation funding Chinese spy operations in South Korea?"

Santa '98: "Hey look, I'm just a fake Santa right, I don't know nothin' about no Communist racket. You need to speak with Teddy '98 if you want answers."

Before I could find Teddy '98, I was approached by a fake Iggy Beanie.

Iggy: "Man, the horror, they lined us up on that ship right next to each other. We only had 6 inches of space between us and the next deck. You had to piss on yourself, poo on your neighbor, and hopefully aim your vomit onto Gobbles or Gigi."

Pao: "Do you feel that this is another example of China's Communist government violating basic human/Beanie Baby rights?"

Iggy: "Believe it, brother, we was stripped from our roots in the Shanghai sweat shop and brought straight on ships to serve your aristocratic shopping-addicted ass."

At this point I found Teddy '98. He seemed quite calm about the whole matter.

Teddy '98: "We'll be out of here in no time. This is only a minor technicality."

Pao: "What makes you say that?"

Teddy '98: "My connections will have us out of here and onto the shelves of Toys 'R' Us by tomorrow. There is nothing these Customs people in Oakland can do about it."

Pao: "How do you plan to get out of this holding cell?"

At this, the fake Doodle, who was missing from the original seizure, came riding on the fake Derby in front of the jailhouse.

Doodle: "Beanie Babies, listen up, Ambassador Cheng Lu says everything is being taken care of. He's already arranged for Lieutenant Jerry to negotiate your release tomorrow. Zip, Waddle, and Ants are already at the hideout in Chinatown."

I talked to the sheriff briefly about what I heard. He just shook his head and slipped me a hunny to keep me quiet. Obviously, I cannot be bought so easily.

 

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

wunderbar@pigdog.org


comments powered by Disqus
 
     

 

T O P   S T O R I E S

Eavesdropping on Geeks: 'Star Trek: Discovery' vs 'The Orville'
by Thom 'Starky' Stark, Lenny Tuberose, 'Tricky' Rick Moen, Destino

The One Trump Conspiracy That Will Explain Everything
by El Destino

No, Google Isn't Using Grand Theft Auto To Train Self-Driving Cars
by El Destino

Amazon's 'Dash' Button For Doritos Panned By Potheads
by El Destino

10-09

El Destino

Frank Sinatra told Donald Trump to "go fuck himself"

07-05

El Destino

Whatever happened to JenniCam's Jennifer Ringley?

05-03

El Destino

Iíve Made Millions Selling Fake Plastic Hillbilly Teeth

05-03

Baron Earl

Fyre Fest Lawsuit

05-03

Baron Earl

US Government uses drones to shoot M&Ms at endangered ferrets

05-03

Baron Earl

When will the abuse of airline passengers stop?

05-03

El Destino

Hillbilly miner turned coder wants to make Kentucky into "Silicon Holler"

03-31

El Destino

86-year-old William Shatner cast in a new romantic comedy: 'Senior Moment'

03-19

El Destino

New ransomware taunts its victims with ASCII art of Spock and Kirk

01-26

Flesh

Alex Jones is Big, Fat, And Drunk in Public.

08-01

El Destino

Amazon's secret: incest in the Kindle ad?

08-01

El Destino

Slut Walk! Sexy feminist protest, or invaders from Mars?

04-25

Daemon Agent

The Quest for the Best Cheap Beer in a Can

04-25

Eugene Leitl

Beverage science at its finest

04-16

El Destino

YouTube punishes copyright offenders with animated pirate cat

04-09

Baron Earl

Poll shows that almost half of Mississippi's Republicans think interracial marriage should be illegal

04-07

Baron Earl

Commodore64 redux - now with Linux

04-06

El Destino

George Takei demonstrates why he should be playing Spider-Man

04-01

El Destino

High school students sacrifice chickens to improve their batting average

03-31

Baron Earl

Creating a wall-hangable computer from an Ikea shadow box frame

More Quickies...