From the AP Wire:
Fake Beanies Seized - (OAKLAND) -- Customs
officials at the Port of Oakland have seized 250 thousand
counterfeit Beanie Babies. The shipment, worth nearly two
million dollars, arrived on a Chinese freighter.
After hearing about this travesty I decided to look into the matter
myself. I made my way down to the holding cell at Alameda County jail
where the Beanies were being kept temporarily. After talking with the
guard, he said it was OK for me to see the Beanies.
I first talked to Santa '98.
Santa '98: "I couldn't believe it, when we hit the port,
I thought we was home free. Fake! Hmph, this is the real Santa.
Santa '98 baby!"
Pao: "I heard that this was a scheme on the part of the
Communists to undermine the capitalist economy of the United States,
particularly California. Is there any truth to this? Is the fake
Beanie Baby operation funding Chinese spy operations in South
Santa '98: "Hey look, I'm just a fake Santa right, I
don't know nothin' about no Communist racket. You need to speak with
Teddy '98 if you want answers."
Before I could find Teddy '98, I was approached by a fake Iggy
Iggy: "Man, the horror, they lined us up on that ship
right next to each other. We only had 6 inches of space between us
and the next deck. You had to piss on yourself, poo on your neighbor,
and hopefully aim your vomit onto Gobbles or Gigi."
Pao: "Do you feel that this is another example of
China's Communist government violating basic human/Beanie Baby
Iggy: "Believe it, brother, we was stripped from our
roots in the Shanghai sweat shop and brought straight on ships to
serve your aristocratic shopping-addicted ass."
At this point I found Teddy '98. He seemed quite calm about the
Teddy '98: "We'll be out of here in no time. This is
only a minor technicality."
Pao: "What makes you say that?"
Teddy '98: "My connections will have us out of here and
onto the shelves of Toys 'R' Us by tomorrow. There is nothing these
Customs people in Oakland can do about it."
Pao: "How do you plan to get out of this holding
At this, the fake Doodle, who was missing from the original
seizure, came riding on the fake Derby in front of the jailhouse.
Doodle: "Beanie Babies, listen up, Ambassador Cheng Lu
says everything is being taken care of. He's already arranged for
Lieutenant Jerry to negotiate your release tomorrow. Zip, Waddle, and
Ants are already at the hideout in Chinatown."
I talked to the sheriff briefly about what I heard. He just shook
his head and slipped me a hunny to keep me quiet. Obviously, I cannot
be bought so easily.