Build Date: Mon Oct 13 12:40:14 2025 UTC
If you find yourself smoking through a hole in your neck, it's time to quit.
-- Bill Hicks
The Perfect Rum Drink
2002-10-12 00:20:12
Suru and I were at the local supermarket recently when we found ourselves in the booze isle, surrounded by rum. Banana rum, coconut rum, vanilla rum, unfiltered run, Jamaican rum, rum, rum, and more rum. We bought one of each and started experimenting...
After several trials and a few errors, we came up with The Perfect Rum Drink. Absolutely delicious. Divine. Tasty. Guaranteed to sneak up on you from behind and hit you over the head with a bat delicious.
For some reason we had a carton of pineapple juice in the refrigerator. I used to get pineapple juice in cans, and it always tasted vaguely metallic and bitter. If you drank enough of it, you'd get sharp stomach pains, huddle shivering in a corner, and wait for death. The stuff in cartons is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. Almost as if it was made from an entirely different fruit. It's sweet and smooth and tastes like the nectar of the Gods, especially after you add enough rum to it.
We also had a carton of orange/tangerine juice. The tangerine juice smooths out the acid of the orange, and the orange juice mellows the sweetness of the tangerines. Orange/tangerine is the perfect blend when you're making rumdrivers for breakfast. It also is essential if you're going to make The Perfect Rum Drink.
It starts with a pint glass.
You take a chilled pint beer glass. To make The Perfect Rum Drink, you don't want anything to water it down, so start with a chilled pint glass, chilled juices, and chilled rum. You want to add ice to the drink so it stays cold, but you don't want the ice to melt to fast and water down your drink.
Normally I don't mention brand names in these articles. Partly because they don't send me money and free booze but mostly because it sounds like I'm being a corporate shill. HOWEVER, if I want you to make The Perfect Rum Drink and get the same results I did it'll help if you know what brands of stuff I used. If I don't, some bozo will go buy Grundel's Organic Whole Orange Juice (made with the whole orange -- peel, seeds, pith, and all) and then said bozo will write to me whimpering that The Perfect Rum Drink ISN'T SO PERFECT AFTER ALL because it has too much bitter orange peel in it.
OK, so take the chilled pint beer glass and add three cubes of ice. Add a shot of Cruzan Vanilla Rum, a shot of Malibu (coconut) Rum, a shot of Cruzan Banana Rum, and a shot of Appleton Jamaican Rum. Then pour Tropicana Orange/Tangerine juice into the glass until it's 2/3 full. Top off with Dole Pineapple Juice from a carton. Drink. Repeat.
Please thank me after your first one, and not the next morning.
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