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I think that they should teach drinking in junior high and stop making it a college level course.
-- Johnnie Royale
Animal Rampage
Pigdog Journal Articles
2023-09-03
If you've ever wondered what actual bullshit looks like, just check the back side of Lee Meyers' decommissioned police cruiser. Lee chopped the top of the passenger side of the car off so he could take his full-grown Watusi bull, named Howdy Doody, for joy rides around his home town of Neligh, Nebraska. Since the car doesn't have bathroom facilities Howdy Doody just craps all over the back and side of the car whenever he feels the need to let one go.
2022-01-13
Over a two day period a grey squirrel with a taste for human flesh attacked and injured 18 people in Buckley, Flintshire, Wales.
2020-01-18
A crazy, bad ass vampire squirrel is attacking residents in a small Texas neighborhood, making residents stay inside with their doors locked.
2008-04-09
You can't make this stuff up: in Abu Dhabi, the winner of a camel beauty contest was sold to a Dubai prince for $2.7 million.
2007-04-13
So I go to CVS to buy the personal lubricant, for the chicken..
2006-06-06
Mm, monkey chow. Or rather, mm, ZuPreem Primate Dry Diet Animal Food.
2006-03-01
Timothy Treadwell lived among grizzly bears for 13 summers, talked to them, even pet them on their noses. What kind of man would do such a thing? A raving lunatic, as it turns out.
2003-06-12
Dear god, people! Can't you see the plain facts? It's SQRATpox I'm telling you! And yes it IS a conspiracy.
2002-12-18
At least six people are dead in the Indian state of Assam after being trampled to death by a herd of drunken elephants.
2002-11-12
In yet another squirrel attack, a small girl in England was brutally assaulted by a gray squirrel. The squirrel sank its fangs into the girl's forehead, blood sprayed from the wound, the girl spun round and round, but the squirrel would not release its death grip. Finally the girl's mother wrestled her to the ground and forced the squirrel to withdraw.
2002-11-12
In a daring kamikaze attack on a senior citizen's center, a squirrel blew up a power transformer and an electrical panel by throwing himself into the transformer's wiring, causing mass panic and forcing an emergency evacuation of the center.
2002-07-09
In the year of our lord two thousand and two, patriots of Scotland, starving and outnumbered, will charge the Western Isles. They will fight like warrior poets. They will fight like Scotsmen. And win their freedom. From hedgehogs.
2002-05-01
Scientists at the State University of New York are preparing ungodly hordes of ratbots to do their masters' evil bidding, according to the BBC.
2002-04-25
I found this on the ground the other day as I was walking to the laundromat. I think these are instructions on how to poison turtles! What kind of world do we live in?
2002-02-02
PAKISTAWNY, AFGHANISTAN -- The world's most wanted terrorist, Pakistawny Osama, emerged from his burrow Saturday and saw his shadow, indicating Afghanistan will see six more weeks of bombing.
2002-01-25
Meow! Techno music. Meow! Techno music. "Eat the cat head! Eat the cat head!" It's the sickest game ever....
2002-01-08
What began as a deeply touching story of love ended as a vaguely nauseating story of meat, reports the BBC. It could have been an example of tenderness and innocence triumphing over the brutal constraints of animal savagery. But this is a true story.
2001-07-26
What kind of a sick fuck would release their pet piranha into a lake where kids like to swim and fish?
2001-05-19
A few days ago I urged you all to go hunt this ape-monster. What have I wrought?
2001-05-17
Otters! The latest in a string of bizarre and unexplained attacks rocks humankind. From Florida to Romania, one word is striking terror in the hearts of humans everywhere. Otters! Otters!
2001-05-15
Cryptozoology gone haywire? Human-chimp interbreeding project gone haywire? Pigdog crew in monkey masks gone a bit too gonzo gone haywire? Ayleens gone haywire? You decide. Well, you don't actually decide, I mean, what you pick won't change anything.
2001-04-19
Normally, in an Animal Rampage stories you get them pesky, but dangerous critters attacking humans. Those animals that are trying to skip a couple of eons of evolution and jump right to the top of the food pyramid.
2001-02-22
We've done a lot of Animal Rampage stories on the PDJ.
2001-02-21
Fuck, what is with the world these days.
2000-06-08
Yesterday we heard about crazed beavers, and today we hear about DIRTY DEER. Summer is here and animal attacks are on the rise. In Howard, Pennsylvania a deer broke into a couple's home and helped himself to a luxurious bubble bath, leaving a path of destruction in his wake.
2000-06-07
"I've lost all respect for beavers. I never would have imagined this from a beaver," said Canadian farmer Sam Pshyshlak after a 30 pound beaver attacked, pinned, and savaged her two 200 pound Newfoundland dogs.
2000-05-01
Spokane, WA has been the latest victim of an ANIMAL RAMPAGE in North America. A maddened 2,000-lb. bull, driven insane by the torture and taunts of a rodeo crowd, threw its rider, broke out of the ring and ran wild in the streets of Spokane!
2000-01-17
What's a poor rural hick to do for entertainment, now that cow tipping has gone out of style? May we suggest Goat Yelling?
1999-11-05
Students at the University of Washington in Seattle get serious about their squirrel problem. An article in the school paper offers tips for stalking, catching, killing, and eating these pesky creatures.
1999-08-25
Veterinarians at Lampang Elephant Hospital in Thailand are in urgent need of elephant blood, for anticipated transfusions needed for a foot amputation. Motola (age 38) stepped on a landmine near the Thailand-Myanamar border, shattering ten bones in a left feet. At the time the cow elephant was taking a break from her job with a logging operation. There is no indication that the accident was drug-related.
1999-08-19
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions.
1999-08-17
Has anybody seen this film? It sounds completely CRAZY: this Canadian guy built this big robot suit so he could go out in the woods and FIGHT GRIZZLY BEARS! A FILM about a CANADIAN CYBERBILLY! It totally defies categorization!
1999-08-11
At least one man is dead and 60 are injured after a swarm of "Africanized" - or killer - bees attacked villagers in the southern Mexico state of Tabasco and the central state of Nayarit.
1999-08-03
You've got a flatbad scanner, you've got a cat. Once you run out of old porno magazines to scan in, what are you going to do? That's right. The cat.
1999-07-20
It's RAT SEASON once again. Germany is overrun as usual. Dog size rats are moving in too feed on Frankfurt, and police have had their first brutal battle with the rodents this year...
1999-07-07
Just like it happened with the "chupacabra" (AKA: goat sucker), a designer/artist type is hawking a bunch of t-shirts and other items emblazoned with renditions of a cryptozoological enigma. This time it's the sqrat -- a creature purported to be half squirrel and half rat, having the temperament of a vicious attack dog.
1999-07-07
I don't even have a little witty thing to say about this one. It's a dead naked guy found inside a killer whale tank. And it makes me sort of sad.
1999-07-04
Damn those Squirrels! This is a direct attack against humankind, as well as my city, Swingin' El Cerrito, in the beautiful Bay Area.
1999-06-29
A clan of ferocious polar bears are attacking and killing a group of trapped Beluga whales in Northern Canada. WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED TO KNOW?!?
1999-06-28
It turns out that Canadians have been overusing pesticides, dumping as many and as much poison as they can on the land in a willy-nilly fashion in an attempt to beat back the gopher population. This irresponsible behavior may have created a new pesticide resistant SUPER GOPHER (AKA: ground squirrel). It's hard to decide whether this should go in the "Canadia Sucks" or the "Animal Rampage" category.
1999-06-24
Despite deep-seated mistrust and hostility, the two most powerful groups of tough, inner-city rodents -- squirrels and rats -- have formed an evolutionary alliance to secure their bailiwick of sewers, city parks and other public works, as well as to further encroach upon human territory and food supplies. For the first time in history, squirrels and rats have put aside their differences, deciding to MATE, in order to create a more deadly, hybrid "master" rodent race.
1999-06-17
That's right, just because you've killed that rattlesnake doesn't mean it can't kill you. Sort of like Dawn of the Dead where the snake comes back from the grave to claim its revenge.
1999-06-16
The British are notorious for being nutty. Not only do they have bad teeth, but they have a strange love for squirrels. We here at Pigdog KNOW the evil that lurks in the hearts of _all_ squirrels, and we have diligently reported on their many vicious, hateful and blood thirsty crimes against humanity!
1999-06-11
Beekeepers are crazy; we all know that. They wear those big beekeeper suits and those big beekeeper hats and they carry around those smoke pots and make smoke everywhere to make bees angry and they never give you any of their candy when you ask for it. But now those beekeepers have gone too far.
1999-06-09
A gang of eight rampaging elephants have killed five people in the Binh Thuan province of Vietnam. The ruthless creatures have been traveling from province to province, damaging crops, and stomping on helpless villagers who are unable to defend themselves against the four legged behemoths because of animal protection laws.
1999-06-07
AUGH! Rabid bats are swarming over the villages and towns of Northern Mexico, carrying away infants in their dripping septic jaws!
1999-06-02
The killer bees have made it to Texas! Several residents and assorted domesticated animals in San Antonio were attacked by a huge swarm of angry bees Monday, leaving three unlucky dogs grasping for life.
1999-06-02
For those of us who grew up in the 70s, we've been reading "the killer bees are on their way!" for the last 20 years or so, usually in the National Enquirer or whatnot. But they never seemed to get here.
1999-05-26
Remember in the first "Planet of the Apes" movie (the one with Charlton Heston and co-starring a large chunk of the Statue of Liberty) how different types of super-evolved apes represented different types of Ape Planet social stratum?
1999-05-21
Check it out! Your federal government is using a SURFING SQUIRREL to infect your children's minds with socialist claptrap! Subversive ideas like RURAL ELECTRIFICATION! With YOUR TAX DOLLARS!
1999-03-31
Butter-substitute enthusiasts everywhere breathed a huge sigh of relief recently when male supermodel Fabio emerged bloodied but unbowed from a vicious confrontation with a kamikaze goose in Virginia.
1999-03-16
Anyone who questions the deadly destructive force of squirrels had better LISTEN UP. Squirrel mischief and mayhem is on the rise!! And not just in the US! GERMANY is now feeling the wrath of angry rodent terrorists. Just this week a kamikaze squirrel soaked itself in water and plunged into a 10,000 volt power station, knocking out power to 5,000 Germans!! They have no fear, they have no mercy, they have big puffy tails and they aren't afraid to use them!!!
1999-02-24
It's one thing to have to watch the pornographic sexual acts of animals on public television stations, but how would you like to have your home turned into a disgusting SKUNK BORDELLO? With skunks engaging in raucous intercourse under your floor boards?
1999-02-22
Last year, there were more cases of monkey terrorism than in any other recorded year. It's about time that some country got tough on animal crime. Read about India's new campaign to round up monkeys, put them in jail and deport them!
1999-02-04
Squirrels are no longer content to simply damage property and brutalize people--now they are stooping to more insidious, less overt forms of terrorism, such as voyeurism and MIND CONTROL. The Jenny Jones Show web site exposes a bizarre case of a preverted squirrel ruining the sex life of an innocent young couple...
1998-12-04
Imagine if you went outside one day to get the paper, and you were confronted by a menacing, hulking, 150-pound deer buck with murder in its eyes! That's exactly what happened to a Louisiana man recently. One of these hoofed monsters tried to pull his stomach guts out with razor-sharp antlers! If it wasn't for this man's little weenie dog, he would surely be dead...
1998-12-01
I didn't even know that people were trucking millions of bees around in big rigs, but someone managed to "spill" 6 million of them in Wisconsin early this morning. Strangely enough no one got stung. A lot of the bees died though, and that makes me sad.
1998-11-10
A pig in Poland attacks the police! They are horrible and out of control once again. Pigs must be stopped!
1998-10-05
Damn them! The squirrels have attacked again -- this time in a family home in Michigan. A gang of delinquent flying squirrels -- the worst kind! -- have made this family's life hell. Bad, bad squirrels!
Offsite links shared by staff writers
2022-05-08
2006-08-18
It was charcoal gray, weighed between 40 and 50 pounds and had a bushy tail, a short snout, short ears and curled fangs hanging over its lips, he said. It looked like "something out of a Stephen King story."
2004-12-09
2004-02-19
2003-02-06
A little lesson in the power of pressure, with gratuitous animal death for your enlightenment and amusement.
2003-01-28
"No! Bad Cockmonkey."
2002-11-12
2002-11-12
2002-11-12
2002-11-12
In win act of carefully-planned sabotage, a squirrel has attacked the electrical system supplying power to the University of South Florida.
2002-08-15
A squirrel in Illinois went on a rampage that left at least four people injured. That squirrel is now DEAD.
2002-07-20
2002-06-13
2002-04-12
2002-03-05
Lend a hand in feral feline population control.
2002-02-06
This is a dumb movie that Rupert Murdoch's asshole fascist company Fox made. It looks like they hired the same cheap-ass Korean animators who did Dire Straits' "Money For Nothing" video. Woohoo, COMPUTER ANIMATION. They mention a goddamn sqrat, they misspell it, and fuck them sideways. God, I hate that goddamn Fox.
2002-01-01
2001-12-26
2001-12-02
2001-11-27
2001-10-10
Dog Shoot Man
2001-08-28
2001-07-30
2001-07-19
2001-07-06
2001-07-05
2001-05-27
2001-05-07
2001-04-15
2001-04-15
2001-04-15
2001-03-26
2000-11-06
2000-10-12
Do you hate Scrats? Check out the anti-squirrel web ring.
2000-09-28
2000-09-21
2000-06-28
When throwing hundreds of squirrels into a jet engine is OUTLAWED, only OUTLAWS will throw hundreds of squirrels into a jet engine. OK, outlaws, and the DUTCH. They'll keep doing it, too.
2000-05-22
2000-05-03
2000-03-24
Yay! Miniature pet sqrat-skunko creatures for all my friends!!
2000-03-23
1999-09-14
1999-07-28
1999-07-15
1999-07-09
1999-06-29
The Open Source Initiative has finally decided to branch off into other realms! For instance, this site will show you the best in Canadista Back-Bacon production!
1999-06-29
1999-06-21
1999-06-08
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
First in a regular series! The Pigdog Journal Spocktail of the Week features recipes for EXCITING and DELICIOUS potions and tonics for your quaffing pleasure! Gulp down a whole lot TODAY! (More...)
It's that time of year again -- Burning Man Season -- and that means fresh SCIENCE! Here is a new lab experiment for the fruity hillbilly in all of us. (More...)
Paranoid Strippers & Psychotic Crack Dealers (Tales of Christmas Eve)
Christmas day, for the last 17 or so years has bored me. I find that the real fun and excitement always takes place on Christmas Eve. Every other year, it's the excitement of the metaphorical hunt instead of the kill. Otherwise, it's just plain bad craziness. (More...)
Patient Joab's scientifick editorial discusses aspect of the space-time-beer continuum never before processed by sub-bush-robot minds!!! Too fabulantastic to contempulate! (More...)
Skunk School -- Learn Why Not To Keep Skunks As Pets
There is an alarming trend in pet purchasing habits this fall. People inspired by the WWII film, "Life is Beautiful" -- the one with that annoying Italian guy -- are buying descented skunks by the millions. (More...)
A Treatise Prepared for the Gallup Organization on the Symbolism of the Scarab
Well dahlings, the response to my new tarot column has been quite overwhelming. I got three whole pieces of mail requesting my arcane insight. One asked why blogs suck so much, and one was a completely incomprehensible tale of bears shitting random numbers in the woods — I am fairly certain it was a cryptographic allegory. Howsomever, only ONE of the inquiries was accompanied by a crisp ten-dollar bill, and so it's the Gallup Organization that will this week reap the benefit of my wicked pack of cards. (More...)
