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Jeez, man. Why're you so eldritch tonight?
-- Crackmonkey

 

Mr. Bad's List -- Reported 1999-03-23 12:18 by Mr. Bad
Mr. Tjames, you have the con

This week's list: The Ogre Juggernaut Comments on Mr. Bad's latest [sic] list

Editor's Note: This week we're honored to have a special celebrity guest columnist, Tjames Madison, provide a rebuttal to Mr. Bad's previous column, Totally Hot Chicks I Want to Get All Freaky With.

Editor's Additional Note To The Ladies: Mr. Tjames does not always look like a degenerate desert FREAK. I just picked this image because he looks so evil in it.

"Parker Posey"

Yeah, I guess so. But she's apparently dopey. And once she made that "Party Girl" movie, it was just a question of when the incessant overexposure would catch up to her. And now it's 1999, and this is like picking Cheryl Ladd in 1985.

"Beth Orton"

Had to look her up. What is your problem? She has enormous teeth.

"Cookie (the daughter from "Blondie")"

Not bad, but I go with the daughter from "Hagar the Horrible".

"Lauren Bacall"

Lauren Hutton!

"Maid Marian"

You're such a suck-up.

"Toni Collette"

Ooh, the smoky look. The smoky pseudo-Keaney waify look, without having to deal with the fact that she's Winona Ryder. The "look at me, I mentioned someone suitably obscure" look you're making right now.

"Kristi Yamaguchi"

Plus a free lifetime supply of Campbell's Soup!

"Samantha Stevens"

The TV witch or the porn star?

"Lady Miss Kier"

Yeah, maybe in 1994, I guess.

"MAJ"

Awwwwwwww. That is just so cuuuuuute.

"Kim Rollins"

Hey, it's your list.

"Leah Garchik"

Well-trained psychologists can cure this problem.

"Ezri Dax"

Is this some Star Track thing? NERD!

"Me'shell Ndege'Ocello or whatever"

See Collette, Toni.

"The dark-haired, leather-clad singer from AWD"

Oh yeah? Well the cute one in Luscious Jackson! You know what one I'm talking about!

"Marilyn vos Savant"

Brrrrrr. Better wear a thermal condom.

"Queen Latifah"

"Hi, my name is Mister Bad, and I just think up names at random and write them down."

"The Star*Kist Tuna mermaid"

Ariel from "The Little Mermaid"

"Exene"

Only if she's wearing cateye glasses.

"Marie Osmond"

Thank you. I will send you the bill for my therapy.

"Mon Mothma"

Nerd II: The Quickening

"Scary Spice"

While I appreciate the originality involved in picking nobody's favorite Spice Girl, how about just NOT PICKING Spice Girls?

"Emma Thompson"

She's a lesbian, you know.

"Gong Li"

Leslie Cheung

"Cindy Wilson"

FINALLY, we agree on someone.

"This totally babe girl from my high school who I had a painfully secret crush on and I still many years later have erotic dreams about"

(cont.) "...and now I stalk her on the net and I know where she works so I'm gonna go hang around there next week and look at her when she comes while I hide behind some stuff."

"The Solid Gold Dancers"

The Fly Girls from "In Living Color"

"KTVU Anchorwoman Diane Dwyer"

You could not be more disgusting.

"Ann Magnuson"

There's two we agree on.

 

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

zuul@pigdog.org


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