Build Date: Fri Oct 4 10:40:17 2024 UTC
Sometimes you just have to say, "Let it go..it's Chinatown.."
-- Thom 'Starky' Stark
| Mr. Bad's List -- Reported 1999-03-23 12:18 by Mr. Bad | |
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This week's list: The Ogre Juggernaut Comments on Mr. Bad's latest [sic] list Editor's Note: This week we're honored to have a special celebrity guest columnist, Tjames Madison, provide a rebuttal to Mr. Bad's previous column, Totally Hot Chicks I Want to Get All Freaky With. Editor's Additional Note To The Ladies: Mr. Tjames does not always look like a degenerate desert FREAK. I just picked this image because he looks so evil in it. "Parker Posey" Yeah, I guess so. But she's apparently dopey. And once she made that "Party Girl" movie, it was just a question of when the incessant overexposure would catch up to her. And now it's 1999, and this is like picking Cheryl Ladd in 1985. "Beth Orton" Had to look her up. What is your problem? She has enormous teeth. "Cookie (the daughter from "Blondie")" Not bad, but I go with the daughter from "Hagar the Horrible". "Lauren Bacall" Lauren Hutton! "Maid Marian" You're such a suck-up. "Toni Collette" Ooh, the smoky look. The smoky pseudo-Keaney waify look, without having to deal with the fact that she's Winona Ryder. The "look at me, I mentioned someone suitably obscure" look you're making right now. "Kristi Yamaguchi" Plus a free lifetime supply of Campbell's Soup! "Samantha Stevens" The TV witch or the porn star? "Lady Miss Kier" Yeah, maybe in 1994, I guess. "MAJ" Awwwwwwww. That is just so cuuuuuute. "Kim Rollins" Hey, it's your list. "Leah Garchik" Well-trained psychologists can cure this problem. "Ezri Dax" Is this some Star Track thing? NERD! "Me'shell Ndege'Ocello or whatever" See Collette, Toni. "The dark-haired, leather-clad singer from AWD" Oh yeah? Well the cute one in Luscious Jackson! You know what one I'm talking about! "Marilyn vos Savant" Brrrrrr. Better wear a thermal condom. "Queen Latifah" "Hi, my name is Mister Bad, and I just think up names at random and write them down." "The Star*Kist Tuna mermaid" Ariel from "The Little Mermaid" "Exene" Only if she's wearing cateye glasses. "Marie Osmond" Thank you. I will send you the bill for my therapy. "Mon Mothma" Nerd II: The Quickening "Scary Spice" While I appreciate the originality involved in picking nobody's favorite Spice Girl, how about just NOT PICKING Spice Girls? "Emma Thompson" She's a lesbian, you know. "Gong Li" Leslie Cheung "Cindy Wilson" FINALLY, we agree on someone. "This totally babe girl from my high school who I had a painfully secret crush on and I still many years later have erotic dreams about" (cont.) "...and now I stalk her on the net and I know where she works so I'm gonna go hang around there next week and look at her when she comes while I hide behind some stuff." "The Solid Gold Dancers" The Fly Girls from "In Living Color" "KTVU Anchorwoman Diane Dwyer" You could not be more disgusting. "Ann Magnuson" There's two we agree on. |
T O P S T O R I E S
Another Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Drunkenness
This book won a Pulitzer Prize. Here's its famous paragraph on getting drunk... (More...)
'Why I'm pretty sure JD Vance had sex with a couch'
True or false? The answers await us in that magical land where all truths are revealed -- the internet. (More...)
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
Robert Helms makes a living volunteering for medical experiments. Though Helms — and almost all guinea pigs — get paid for their participation in medical trials, they are still "volunteers" according to a byzantine legal code. They are compensated for their time, not paid to ingest medicine. He and "guinea pigs" like him have learned the intimate art of taking catheters in their veins, tubes in their intestines, EKG electrodes on their nipples. (More...)
It's winter in Idaho, and Boise personality "Lego-Man" reports on how he celebrated Thanksgiving. "I fed my wife, mother and sister wine slurpies!" (More...)
Report from Spiritual Machines
Arkuat gives you the inside scoop on the "Spiritual Machines" panel and conclave. Wacky excitement ensues! (More...)
Juggler Vain attempts to wrestle with the issues around the KPFA shutdown; Big-time wrestling ensues. (More...)
Another Spocktail brought to you by the selfless beveratologists of Spock Mountain Research Labs. You do the math, we'll do the SCIENCE! (More...)
The Walken / Country Bear Conspiracy
As has been recently reported in the PDJ, Christopher Walken, evil s00per villain extraordinaire, will be appearing next month in Disney's newest release, The Country Bear Movie. Always playing some wicked and very disturbed badass in movies like Sleepy Hollow, Illuminata, The Prophecy I, II, III, Pulp Fiction, Batman Returns, The Milagro Beanfield War, A View to a Kill, The Dogs of War, Heaven's Gate, and The Deer Hunter, Walken is unsuprisingly a big favorite in the PDJ news room. (More...)
