Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out
the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since
the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash
in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their
bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced,
uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various
commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've
become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits
makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just
one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid
Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the
band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their
lapdog lawyers on...
Dear Lars, James, Kirk, and replacement bass guitarist who ruined the band,
In light of your recent attack on Napster, I would like to suggest some
possible lawsuit ideas that you may have over-looked while "protecting" your
1. Used record stores. These stores are re-selling your music, and you aren't
making one red cent off it. In some cases, they flat-out give it away to people
who buy recordings put out by other bands! These unscrupulous people are not
only stealing out of your pockets, but also encouraging people to buy products
that might not be up to your high standards. I say "Hang 'em high and take 'em
for everything you can get!
2. Manufacturers of technology that allow the user to record their own CDs.
These gigantic fat-cat mega-corporations do nothing but encourage people to
copy your CDs and rip you off. Teach them a lesson they aren't going to
3. The manufacturers of blank cassettes. Sure, we all know that this was the
format the helped build the band. And it's certainly the way that you, the
band members, were able to possess the music of your favorite bands when you
were first getting into Heavy Metal. But now these companies encourage
people to make cheap, shoddy copies of your songs without paying out to you
one thin dime! Go get 'em!
4. The Fans themselves. These ethically bankrupt punks let their scummy
little friends borrow their copies of your CDs to listen to your music, and
employ the previously mentioned formats to steal the food out of your mouths.
Go on tour, start taking names and kicking ass!
In closing, I hope that this list may be both inspiring, and of great use to
you. Don't let those thieving bastards rip you off!
Spock Mountain Research Labs