| There couldn't be a society of people who didn't dream. They'd be dead in two weeks. -- William S. Burroughs |
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[So, about TWO YEARS ago, a Pigdog contributor sent in a
topical parody song about the Our First Time Web site.
The site, which turned out to be a hoax, purported to be a live streaming Webcast by
two Southern California teenage virgins, intended to educate people about sex and
gar gar gar.
At the time, I didn't think the song was very Pigdog,
and frankly I thought it was a horrible idea to publish the
thing at all. But Pigdog Journal is if nothing else dedicated
to hit-mongering
giving people the news they want at a price they deserve. In a
relative bind, I relegated the article to the deep dark
recesses of Pooniedog,
Pigdog's strange and horrible porno site.
I hoped the damn thing would disappear, but as it turned
out, our anonymous contributor had his finger on the
loathesome pulse of the Internet. [The man is good.] For some
reason, "The Ballad of Mike and Diane" has been a spectacular
hit-getter for two years running. It's consistently been one of the most-viewed
pages on pigdog.org over all that time, even long after "Our
First Time" is pretty much a meaningless saying that brings
blank stares from most Innurnet users.
So, in a belated salute and an apology to our a.c., I'm
pulling up The Ballad from the unseemly depths of the farm
leagues to the harsh and bitter light of Pigdog Journal
proper. Welcome to Pigdog, Mike and Diane! And thanks for the
hits, Oh Anonymous One! -- Mr. Bad]
The Ballad of Mike and Diane
To the tune of John Cougar's "Jack and Diane"...
A little ditty
about Mike and Diane.
Two American kids growing up
with a new LAN.
Mikey's gonna be a porn page power.
Diane's got her own domain where she's gonna get deflowered.
Checking out their e-mail, deciding what to read.
Mikey says "Hey Diane, we need a real-time picture feed.
People on the web will clog up our line
If we get a spy-cam and then do it on-line."
Oh yeah, hype goes on
Long after the thrill of balling is gone.
Oh yeah, hype goes on
Long after the thrill of balling is gone.
Mikey sits back, collects his thoughts for the moment
Towels off his groin and checks his usage log.
"Well now, Diane, we got a million fools to watch us."
Diane says "Mikey, you make me feel like a hog."
Oh yeah, hype goes on
Long after the thrill of balling is gone.
Oh yeah, hype goes on
Long after the thrill of balling is gone.
So let em fuck.
Let em pole...
Let their counter climb till they
reach their goal:
your fifteen minutes
the way that you choose.
Changes come around real soon
make you yesterday's news
[See also Bye, Bye, America
Online]
[Oh, and if you want more info on Mike and Diane, see Yahoo!'s coverage.]
vagrant@pigdog.org
Spock Went, Spock Wrote, Spock Kicked Ass
by JRoyale
Every Labor Day weekend a large portion of the PDJ staff joins 30,000 other freaks at one of the biggest and strangest art festivals in the world - Burning Man - somewhere on the edge of the Black Rock Desert. Our base of operations is always the ultra swank Spock Mountain Research Labs - the World Leaders in Beverage Science and Leisure Technology. This year, we hauled up our computers, printers and a massive digital duplicator, determined to become Black Rock City's third daily newspaper. Even Spock was surprised by our success - news will never be viewed the same on the playa. Read all seven issues of the 2002 Spock Science Monitor for yourself and see why. (More...)
Hail the Acadian!
by Lenny Tuberose
The quest for knowledge never ends at the super top secret
Spock Mountain Laboratory, although it is frequently
interrupted by beverage breaks. Recently, a team of crack
ethnomixologists returned from a dangerous expedition to the
frozen expanse of Canada with the much sought recipe for a
Spocktail that is destined to replace blunt force head
trauma as the major cause of brain damage in the civilized
world. (More...)
Go Go Guinea Pigs
by Siduri
Robert Helms makes a living volunteering for medical experiments. Though Helms
— and almost all guinea pigs — get paid for their participation in
medical trials, they are still "volunteers" according to a byzantine legal code.
They are compensated for their time, not paid to ingest medicine. He and
"guinea pigs" like him have learned the intimate art of taking catheters in
their veins, tubes in their intestines, EKG electrodes on their nipples. (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
by JRoyale
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
The Mastered Puppets
by Flesh
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out
the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since
the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash
in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their
bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced,
uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various
commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've
become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits
makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just
one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid
Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the
band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their
lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
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