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The quest for knowledge never ends at the super top secret
Spock Mountain Laboratory, although it is frequently
interrupted by beverage breaks. Recently, a team of crack
ethnomixologists returned from a dangerous expedition to the
frozen expanse of Canada with the much sought recipe for a
Spocktail that is destined to replace blunt force head
trauma as the major cause of brain damage in the civilized
world.
I am speaking, of course, of the legendary
'Acadian'. This nasty little blend of bufotenine and
alcohol will make you hallucinate, twitch, and foam at the
mouth. The origins of this concoction are shrouded in
legend, but appear to be linked to the peculiar alien
abduction phenomenon in Atlantic Canada.
The story goes
like this: some time in late 1979, 3 brothers from
Newfoundland grew weary of imbibing huge quantities of
Newfie Screech, kissing the cod, and then beating each other
senseless with the empty bottles. In the very depths of
this alcoholic ennui, one of the brothers hit upon the idea
of combining the Newfie Screech with the skin of the cane
toad (the details are hazy, but there seems to have been
some sort of epiphany along the lines of the much vaunted
"you got peanut butter on my chocolate").
The 3 brothers
quaffed a prodigious quantity of the brew and then began
hallucinating and foaming at the mouth like rabid Labrador
Retrievers. They proceeded to drive to the airport where
they located the first small foreigner with a funny accent
that they could find, and put the protesting and terrified
traveller in the trunk of their Chevy. They drove to an
isolated spot, and then forced a funnel into the mouth of
the alien abductee and dosed him with their vile cocktail.
Within a short time he was raving and hallucinating, so they
let him drive. When they were inevitably stopped by the
local constabulary, the alien was hauled off to jail on
various and sundry charges and the 3 brothers were cautioned
to "go home and sleep it off, eh". The alien awoke in a
holding cell two days later, pallid and twitching in a pool
of his own sticky vomit, and unable to account for several
days of 'missing time'.
Thus were the Acadian Cocktail and
the sport of Alien Abduction delivered into the unsuspecting
world like dark, demented twins. Cheers!
The Acadian
Ingredients:
- 5 cane toads
- 4 oz. Newfie Screech (It's a Canadian liquor. No, really.)
- 1 large dash of Tabasco sauce
Directions:
Kill and skin the toads, in that order. Boil the skins and
reduce until you are left with a paste. Allow the paste to
dry to a powder.
Place the powdered toad skin in the bottom of the glass.
Pour the Newfie Screech on top and stir. Add the Tabasco
sauce. Hold your nose and pound 'er back in a single
gulp -- trust me, this is not a drink you want to savor.
runcible@pigdog.org
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