You Want a FUCKING QOUTE on Quote Page?!? Dickwad --JRoyale



Pigdog Journal Quote Daturbase

Fresh and Raw, just the way you like it

"I don't create the legend... merely report it." --Spock
"I am not Spock." --Leonard Nimoy
"I'm a lazy, drunken hillbilly with a heart full of hate." --HST
"Wasting somebody else's time strikes me as the height of rudeness." --Bill Gates
"You know, these beers are only the beginning..." --El Snatcher
"You're so pretty, they should put your head in a box." --Johnnie Royale
"I imagine I can last until the absinthe runs out; then, I'm afraid, I'll have to work." --HST
"People are waiting in line just to kill your dog." --Doctor Murdock
"Your meat is negative meat, not good meat." --Doctor Murdock
"XModem is NOT allowed!" --Doctor Murdock
"Somewhere people are plotting against you and I am probably among them." --Doctor Murdock
"I disappear in a puff of logic!" --Doctor Murdock
"RoR, man... deli meat and black, black blood" --Doctor Murdock
"I wish you were a Pez dispenser so I could eat candy out of your neck." --Gar's Sister
"You big dumb dogshit eating hillbilly!" --Ratsnatcher
"Pigdog is a wretched hive of vulgarity and gizmo-phallocentricity." --Chachi
"I'd like a bumper sticker that says "Pillage Globally, Profit Locally."" --Trevor 'Fuckhead' Johnson
"If bodybuilding is an art, some of the people on this list would qualify as surrealists." --Quaker State Tapioca Rupture
"In the future, as to not create any more controversy, I will limit my affection and genuine liking of people to a "High Five" or a head butt." --Amy
"btw, i thought it would be obvious but i DO NOT LIKE TORTURE." --Sylvia
"It is weird to feel normal" --Sylvia
"i'm sorry for using quasi-real names and being gory." --Sylvia
"Everyone knows the DEA has the best Christmas office parties..." --Geoff We@sel
"Evan lives in a world of discriminating junkies..." --Negative Nancy
"My new favorite radio station for tonight is Energy 103.4 in Berlin." --Ratsnatcher
"Beaujolais, baby!" --Ratsnatcher
"For those of you who don't think you are bad, all I can say is: you're bad." --Ratsnatcher
"Freaks also need to be divided into two categories, the really scary freaks and the just sorta cute & cuddly freaks. " --Lisa Scovel
"Okay, I'm a humble coding monkey who wants to grow jungles in the Virgo Cluster. So sue me. " --Arkuat
"Speaking of fuckheads, what happened to Trevor Johnson? " --Arkuat
"Perfectly legal explosions are just NO FUN. " --Master Squid
"Frames don't kill web sites... designers kill web sites. " --Master Squid
"I'm getting out of Concord while the speed addicts on my block are still relatively few. " --Master Squid
"Tell me some more truisms, I need the sleep. " --Master Squid
"Canadia should be dissolved and given to the Tongans." --Master Squid
"I like this gun. " --Master Squid
"I thought about buying a Miata once. Actually, two Miata's. One for each butt cheek. " --Master Squid
"Better seek treatment before you start imagining that Marilyn Monroe is your mom. " --Master Squid
"Real world programming borders on the criminal, which is outside your thought domain." --Master Squid
"Any magazine without double penetration is a waste of time." --Mr. Bad
"Personally, I wouldn't fly all the way to Dimension Q to save Hawkman's useless ass, but that's just me." --Mr. Bad
"You don't have to be on the clog-dancing team to get clogs, folks!" --Mr. Bad
"I think you're a hypocrite for calling me a hypocrite for calling you a hypocrite." --Mr. Bad
"I hate you all. Suck my gooey wad of hate." --Mr. Bad
"The "S" stands for "Super-Evil"! " --ESP
"Heh heh heh. Say what you want about me, Dixie Buttmunch, but OS/2 is dead, dead, dead like Jackie G. and no amount of Evan-baiting is going to bring it back." --Mr. Bad
"Isn't it wonderful that, despite our differences, we're united in our mutual love of beer?" --Mr. Bad
"No surgery could hide the sparkle of brilliant nuck clone mastermind evil that you have in your eyes." --Mr. Bad
"Getting reasoned consensus is for pussies." --Mr. Bad
"I am a cur without honor." --Mr. Bad
"Living on beer, American Spirits and Sobe." --Mr. Bad
"I've left enough things hanging that they can't afford to fire me." --Mr. Bad
"Man! I didn't even know they _had_ retarded monkey whorehouses. Cool!" --Mr. Bad
"It's the fucking Web. Don't expect documentation." --Mr. Bad
"We 1) are loud, 2) break things, 3) set things on fire." --Mr. Bad
"You can begin with good smart people and an unbound optimism and in no time at all, everything can disintegrate. Threats and blows can fly; men once tame and meek can bloody the faces of friend and stranger. It's pretty fucking cool." --Mr. Bad
"It'd be interesting to tally how many different laws you'd be breaking by importing a 15-year-old sex slave." --Mr. Bad
"This I can promise you: bearded women lying on their backs and pulling their anuses open is as low as I go." --Mr. Bad
"How the fuck did PBS swing a deal with Marvel to get fucking *SpiderMan* on a hippy freak commie show like The Electric Company?" --Mr. Bad
"I would disarm the entire world, because it would be cool to see people have massive battles using only their teeth and nails. Those of us who floss regularly would soon rule the earth!" --Mr. Bad
"I wonder how the engineering would change if the racecars had to race through peanut butter and the cars had to be made entirely out of wicker." --Mr. Bad
"I think every motorcycle bar should be just packed with delicate little unescorted girls. And all bars should also serve ham." --Mr. Bad
"All I ask is that everyone else in the world be as mediocre as me. Is that so wrong?" --Mr. Bad
"Life's too short to go out with RenFaire people." --Mr. Bad
"I had some creepy sweet pale beer that tasted like shit. I hate that kind of stuff. I wonder why I do that to myself. Maybe it's a self-loathing thing." --Mr. Bad
"This is the INTERNET, man. It was *built* by the AV crew." --Mr. Bad
"Maybe if you didn't keep the Internet under that leaky sink of yours, we'd be a little better off." --Mr. Bad
"Do you ever just punch domain names into Netscape and hope something comes up?" --Mr. Bad
"I want a picture of my ass to travel to a comet and then back to Earth and then get put in a museum." --Mr. Bad
"Too bad they don't have an anti-psychosis keyboard. I figure, once my wrists start talking to me, it's time to retire." --Mr. Bad
"Fear is the enemy and anarchy is our supply line!" --Mr. Bad
"Guinness, deep thick nutrient soup of the soul." --Mr. Bad
"We are not interesting people when sober, believe me." --Mr. Bad
"The sun is my enemy. It must be extinguished. " --Flesh
"Identity is what Pigdog slaps on you with a white-hot branding iron " --Flesh
"Attach an applet to everything. Over load the front page like a Mexican fruit truck! " --Flesh
"I'm just going to lay down, drink a couple of shots of Canadian Whiskey and accept the fact that I'm this week's official Pigdog nuclear missile target. " --Flesh
"Divide people up in terms of are they assholes, creeps, or walking corpses." --Flesh
"All of the Hansons should be strapped into a Sod-O-Matic." --Head Freezin' Gene
"Fuck vision." --Head Freezin' Gene
"I think that I'm no longer treading water, but being swept downstream. " --Juggler Vain
"you can't spell "death" without "DEA". " --Juggler Vain
"I need a smoke " --Juggler Vain
"I dance in my sleep, and fly; waking, I am clumsy and earthbound. " --Juggler Vain
"the only good question is a rhetorical question " --Juggler Vain
"To me, Pigdog is all about Universal Love, and how it frequently requires semiautomatic weapons and very, very large guard dogs. " --Jeff Gerstmann
"Beer is Civilization." --Jeff Gerstmann
"I always get goosebumps when I hear Terrence & Phillip sing "Oh Canadia."" --Vulpes
"Both porn and Mars seems to get you guys all hot and bothered." --Johnnie Royale
"What have you done for us lately? Face it Chachi, you're a one ladder wonder and you're as stale as a two week old cod fish." --Johnnie Royale
"Well boys, I know where the edge is and you ain't on it... you retards you." --Johnnie Royale
"I am completely drunk ... Surprise, Surprise, Surprise..." --Johnnie Royale
"Zach is happy and Zach doesn't worry about Alabama schoolgirls. That is because Zach has a secret - he drinks a lot and never leaves the house." --Johnnie Royale
"This is a problem for which a chemical solution exists." --Johnnie Royale
"This is Pigdog, so the door is always open... whatever the hell that means." --Johnnie Royale
"My Finn side usually wins any arguments concerning alcohol. " --Johnnie Royale
"God damn it, this is Pigdog... proud home of Literalist Fuckhead Pills - (now made with Angst BTW) - so we take everything very seriously and without humor - you shithead you. Now go away." --Johnnie Royale
"I hate this soon as I send this message - one piece becomes many." --Johnnie Royale
"I really should drink more, but I just don't have the energy..." --Johnnie Royale
"Too bad they don't let you wander around a museum with a big cup of beer and a foot long hotdog like you can at the ballpark." --Johnnie Royale
"Finns are a subset of drunks..." --Johnnie Royale
"As your attorney... I advise you to get drunk. As a drunk... I advise to go for it." --Johnnie Royale
"I think I need to develop a new character flaw or two." --Johnnie Royale
"Wow, this is like a tip you get from Martha Stewart..." --Johnnie Royale
"I say we nuke Canadia 'til it glows." --Johnnie Royale
"Knowing what a bunch of capitalistic swine you guys are, I'd bet you'd rent that guy the inflatable sheep by the hour." --Johnnie Royale
"I really shouldn't have gone to the game as I had so much work to do around the house, but it was nice to actually see the sun - it is yellow you know." --Johnnie Royale
"Spock would use Linux." --Johnnie Royale
"Expensive tequila means you just pay more for your evil." --Johnnie Royale
"When it comes to Darwinism, what the hell does fairness have to do with it. Evolution is inherently unfair." --Johnnie Royale
"Man, what a shitty week I am having... grumpy doesn't even begin to describe my mood. Chachi, say something stupid so I can yell at you." --Johnnie Royale
"I have enough hard alcohol in the house right now to get 5th SS Panzer Division tanked or the entire Senate (including those young cute female pages that Strom and Kennedy like) ripped. But I guess I can always use some more." --Johnnie Royale
"Coors Light is not a beer... it is crime against humanity." --Johnnie Royale
"Guinness is Pigdog and Pigdog is Guinness. " --Johnnie Royale
"I got depressed cause my motherboard keeps giving me a Blue Screen of Death (BSOD) and so I decided to drink Guinness." --Johnnie Royale
"Bad things happen when you drop a four pack of Guinness on the ground when you are trying to remove it from the car." --Johnnie Royale
"If Zach dropped a bottle of $69 dollar liquor, I think I would kill him. " --Johnnie Royale
"Oh, yeah, ok, that well teach me to read pigdog after several Guinnesses.... Err... ok, so I lied... it won't teach me anything" --Johnnie Royale
"I think we should fucking nuke Canadia. Especially the French part of Canadia." --Johnnie Royale
"Never tell me what you hate." --Johnnie Royale
"We'd only have the wake cause we are always looking for an excuse to drink." --Johnnie Royale
"I'm opting out for no particular reason than to just be difficult." --Johnnie Royale
"Personally I think it is a shitty suggestion... and since this is America... I don't have to justify my reasons." --Johnnie Royale
"I only need 4GB to list all of my faults. Tho' I have to use tiny fonts to fit it all in." --Johnnie Royale
"I like throwing stones in glass houses." --Johnnie Royale
"We're basically twelve angry men and a couple of chicks... " --Johnnie Royale
"I no longer have a soul, having bartered it long ago for dashing good looks and a handful of super-powers. " --Lenny Tuberose
"The ricochet from a Mountie shooting himself in the foot can be devastating you know. " --Lenny Tuberose
"Fuck yeah. Tell it like it is." --LiquorPig
"Guess what I brought back from Europe: _GRAPE_ flavored Mentos! They're crazy! " --ICBINJ
"If there's one thing Christianity is all about, it's sexy names. " --Crackmonkey
"Hehe. RTFM, baby " --Crackmonkey
"If you space out your little rants a bit more, you'd probably get bigger laughs. " --Crackmonkey
"Pigdog is dead. Long live Pigdog. " --P A U L
"I get real mean when I'm sober. " --P A U L
"This is the problem with today's generation of computer geeks. Nobody remembers how to go to Radio Shack and buy 500 blinking LEDs for four dollars. " --P A U L
"Anyone who capitalizes Punk Rock or Artist, even inside the privacy of their own brain, should be fucking shot. " --The Compulsive Splicer
"As Americans, we reserve the right to mispronounce, misspell, fuck, or kill anything that crosses our path. This is why the French can't stand us. " --The Compulsive Splicer
"We must pioneer the next step after telecommuting: TELEBARHOPPING. " --The Compulsive Splicer
"Fear of the Tenderloin ranks up there with fear of the monsters under your bed. " --The Compulsive Splicer
"Sometimes you just have to say, "Let it's Chinatown.." " --Thom 'Starky' Stark
"Check's in the mail. Don't cash it until the year 2002. " --Tjames Madison
"No, you don't understand, Michael. I *do* always have to be an ass. It's all I have left. " --Tjames Madison
"Usenet is like junior high school, except it's not as well-lit and it's full of Dutch people. " --Tjames Madison
"Once you accept the Bozo that is within yourself, you can accept the Bozo that is within us ALL. And they all had the best Christmas ever. " --Tjames Madison
"Blackhawks are just big, dumb troop carriers, like flying AC Transit buses. " --Tjames Madison
"Everything was working fine an hour ago, and I didn't break the Internet, honest. " --Tjames Madison
"Journalists are only interested in buffets and vacations, which is not a bad ideal, really, but doesn't make them any more qualified to put stuff before the public record than you or I. " --Tjames Madison
"Now, I'm no artist, but I'm crazy, and I know how to burn stuff up and talk like a redneck. " --Tjames Madison
"Unemployment check came. Break out the Velveeta! " --Tjames Madison
"I spent about three hours tonight reading the journals of the Donner Party for no real good reason, except to think, "Hey, wouldn't it suck to be in the Donner Party?" " --Tjames Madison
"Sauron was just sort of like Moses, except with an attitude and Orcs instead of the Jews. " --Tjames Madison
"OLE... yuck. "Hey Jed, this here Word document gots a VIDEO in it!" " --Tjames Madison
"You know, I really feel bad for you Mac people. Sort of. I mean, it was your choice. " --Tjames Madison
"Don't be dissin' on my wine, you potatoe drinkin' head-freezer. " --Ratsnatcher
"Well, sorry. I guess we can't ALL be super cool Russian forth hacker/extropian/pretend scientists like you. " --Ratsnatcher
"Thanks for the free diagnoses, but I prefer my doctors to have more than two brain cells to rub to together. Some minimum education beyond grade school would be nice too. " --Ratsnatcher
"I take my hillbilly hat off to you. " --Ratsnatcher
"Nobody runs any real applications anyway. The whole purpose of personal computing is to tinker with shit. Everybody else (who isn't tinkering) is only using their Pentium Professionals as glorified typewriters. Applications, ha ha ha. " --Ratsnatcher
"Last night I was at Denny's in Emeryville, and security guards wearing big uniforms, leather gloves, batons, and sidearms (45's maybe) seated us!! They weren't just standing around like normal security guards, they were the hosts. " --Ratsnatcher
"I hear that Boris is cracking down on Russian hillbilly moonshine... " --Ratsnatcher
"Isn't there a special realtime version of Linux just for robots? " --Ratsnatcher
"I know all about riding unicycles, as I went to circus school. " --Ratsnatcher
"My bowels are as strong as any man's! I bet yours give out at about 10 Guinnesses. " --Ratsnatcher
"Real men read directly from the mail spool with cat. " --Ratsnatcher
"Guinness at 6:30 AM! Delicious! " --Ratsnatcher
"I've got a bottle of Swathmore Vinyards Merlot from South Africa sitting here that I could open right now. But I'm saving it, see. That's how much control I have. " --Ratsnatcher
"Bad People drink bad beer." --HST
"I never said I was cool. " --Ratsnatcher
"I woke up at 9:00 PM yesterday, so I'm going to save my bottles of stout for this afternoon when I watch Columbo. I'm really into Columbo now. " --Ratsnatcher
"I've been working on my resume for 10 solid years, but when it gets done, it will be exquisite. " --Ratsnatcher
"Argg!!!!! I just spilled beer all over my mail server! " --Ratsnatcher
"I think there's more to it than meets the eye. Marimba is part of an organized plot of some kind. " --Ratsnatcher
"But that was pretty cool how Steven Segal faxed for help using his Newton on that hijacked train in "Under Siege 2." You never know when you might need something less conspicous than a laptop. " --Ratsnatcher
"Mississippi should teach their high school kids not to get in cars piloted by huge, sweaty, satan-worshipping freaks on mescaline. " --Ratsnatcher
"Quit being so NANCY. Next you'll be drinking Amstel Light. " --Ratsnatcher
"Strapping a corpse onto a motorcycle is real gross, even if it is the decaying corpse of your father. " --Ratsnatcher
"You've been smoking too much pot and reading too much RAW, Mr. Hagbard Celine Dion. " --Ratsnatcher
"You big dumb dogshit-eating extropian! " --Ratsnatcher
"Goddamn swamp dwelling, WebTV-using, OS/2 licking, dogshit gobbling hillbilly motherfucker!! " --Ratsnatcher
"Quit quipping at me. You're just mad because I reduced you to gurgling epithets in the aliens debate. " --Ratsnatcher
"We don't need brow sweating ogres like you coming on here, in a frenzy of chicken lust and cocaine jitters, attacking everyone like some kind of 400 pound, hopped up Truman Capote. " --Ratsnatcher
"You're just mad because you're up in Washington and have to import wine from a good state, like California. We eat like kings here. " --Ratsnatcher
"Maximum strength opiates barely dull the buzzsaw katzenjammering in my head... " --Ratsnatcher
"Maybe you could drip a little more sarcasm. You would be like the queen in ALIENS, with so much dripping. " --Ratsnatcher
"The problem: El Nino, of course. " --Ratsnatcher
"Discussions about Java are good and natural and embody everything that is clean and good about the world. " --Ratsnatcher
"Bandwidth doesn't matter." --Pao-Tzu
"Give me your nipples!" --Doctor Murdock
"Enzymes!" --Binky
"Thirty-fifth Street. Home Sweet Home. Mosquito" --Doctor Murdock
"Meg said I could kiss her ankle if I crawled all the way across the floor on the knuckles of my toes. And I did." --Doctor Murdock
"It's my experience that it's better to blow the monkeys AFTER you give them a nice, warm enema." --Tjames Madison
"TWIST AWAY those GATES of STEEEL!" --Devo
"No more Task Force Smiths!" --The Compulsive Splicer
"Btw, I'm stinkin' drunk, and its great!! YEHAW!" --Ms. Bunnypenny
"What? Now I need a REASON to yell at people?" --Tjames Madison
"One wonders how prior generations survived and flourished without the Internet and alt.binaries.clits." --Johnnie Royale
"In 20 years we'll all be driving around in electric flying cars anyway." --Tjames Madison
"If Microsoft products drag korporate Amerika into the sewer, so much the better." --Arkuat
"I got Unix in my kitchen, bay-bee! WHOO HOO! " --Arkuat
"The fucking press even can't spell 'OS'." --Head Freezin' Gene
"Oh crappity-crap. I spend all that time filling in all the questions, and now I guess they sent my report off to the fake email address I entered on the first page." --P A U L
"What a fucking night. No more tequila. Ever." --Paul
"I feel tingly and clued in! Let's do a website and build robots!" --Tjames Madison
"Calling Pigdog a "Weblog" is like calling Charlie Manson a folk singer." --Patient Joab
"I know it would like suck and all for everybody else, but I am sorry, I would like to be responsible for crashing the universe. I can just see myself saying "Oooppss, I didn't mean to do that.... say you guys should have made this like idiot proof." " --Johnnie Royale
"Jesus, at least get a thesaurus, or a dictionary that includes the "big" words or something. " --Johnnie Royale
"You'll never catch me wearing a shirt that says "COKE" or "NIKE" in 400pt point across my chest unless I am changing the oil in my car." --Johnnie Royale
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." --Ernest Hemingway
"There are half-eaten animals lying on the sidewalks!" --Head Freezin' Gene
"I don't think one has to be very evolved to find a job in Idaho." --Head Freezin' Gene
"Grad students are the burger flippers of science." --Johnnie Royale
"Just be glad that someone is willing to pay for you to learn how to freeze heads." --Johnnie Royale
"Of what need is comedy if there is beer?" --Head Freezin' Gene
"Who's the leader of the pig that's made for dog and me?" --Tjames Madison
"I think God would have written the universe in a higher level language than Assembler." --Johnnie Royale
"If only Jake Busey knew how much we appreciated his art, I'm sure he'd drop everything and join us." --Johnnie Royale
"Physics is the operating system, Chemistry is the programming language, and Biology is the development environment. " --The Compulsive Splicer
""Fritos." "Cheetos." "Doritos." Can't you SEE?!? Wake UP, America! " --Mr. Bad
""Pussyfoot" is a really weird word, if you think about it too long. " --Mr. Bad
"Everybody has to call me "Bluto" from now on. " --Mr. Bad
"Walt Disney was profoundly EVIL." --Tjames Madison
"Pigdog is its own mobile amusement park - just add alcohol and stand back. " --Johnnie Royale
"Fun FIRST. Cultural statements second." --Thom 'Starky' Stark
"Universal Studios is about as much fun as getting a summons." --Tjames Madison
"I thought you were registered under the USDA "Soil Bank" program. Like, by law, you have to let the job fields lay fallow. " --Mr. Bad
"Who the fuck cares who gets the parades?" --Johnnie Royale
"I trust you as far as Stephen Hawking can throw you." --Flesh
"Situationist. Heh heh heh heh heh. Damn, doesn't the _idea_ of being a "Situationist" just crack you up?" --Mr. Bad
"The latest craze sweeping my apartment is two-fisted coffee and beer drinking. I call it "Boffeer". " --Mr. Bad
"Never trust a man in a blue trenchcoat; never drive a car when you're dead." --Tom Waits
"I corrupted their offspring with various hallicinogenic drugs and cheap rum." --Flesh
"The OpenBSD client is faster than Rosie O'Donnell going for a donut." --Ratsnatcher
"Moral: Never use Windows." --Ratsnatcher
"Unix is meant to be A MONSTROSITY." --Ratsnatcher
"It is 100% proven that BSD has a better mascot." --Ratsnatcher
"dude. OpenBSD r00lZ." --Arkuat
"The fact that you are arguing with yourself is far more interesting." --Master Squid
"Madness has no purpose. Or reason. But it may have a goal." --Spock
"Vulcans never bluff. " --Spock
"Not even a vulcan can know the unknown." --Spock
"There's nothing more dangerous than a wounded animal. " --Captain Kirk
"This shit r0xs like socks in a box." --P a u l
"It takes a nation of mandrills to keep us down." --Tjames Madison
"Fuck you-all. There are no innocent bystanders." --Crackmonkey
"I don't translate well into meat-space." --Negative Nancy
"She looks really unhappy. Maybe she should be on Pigdog." --Johnnie Royale
"I am against R. U. Sirius. Did I say that already? Down with R. U. Sirius. " --El Snatcher
"I have a portfolio of meat pictures." --Mr. Biggles
"Electricity is the invisible glue that holds techno music together." --El Snatcher
"I'm not a pyro. I don't like to watch things burn. I like to watch them explode." --Baron Earl
""Squeal like a pig." Just saying the line conjures up images of Hillbillies and Ned Beatty's sweaty pink face. It's a powerful image, jammed into the American psyche like a fat Hillbilly cock in a tiny city-dweller's anus. The image will just not go away, no matter how hard you try." --enigma
"Taking powerful narcotics is very bad for your typing. " --Thom Stark
"It's not Gonzo journalism until you're eating rubber tires to the tune of "Flight of the Bumblebees."" --Miles Standish
"Hey, sexy mama: wanna kill all humans?" --Bender
"I am all like Rasputin and shit. They call me the Ogre Juggernaut..." --Tjames Madison
"He made a CD of nothing but midget porn...he found it all on the Internet..." --Dr. Murdock
"... when the space-aliens find our crap in space, and see that it's full of Forth, they won't be messing with us... 'cause they'll recognise a bad-ass os when they see one." --Juggler Vain
"Aargh! It makes me want to crack skulls!" --Daisy
"I don't really think I would enjoy puking up raw tuna -- I'm just exaggerting for comic effect." --Daisy
"Oh, oh, oh, the despair. Will I ever be kewl in Master Squid's eyes!" --Patient Joab
"To the civilized nations of the world, America is the bully that eveyone wants on their team when choosing for a game of football, but no one wants their sister to marry." --Lenny Shirose
"Any kid that isn't smart enough to disable Cybersitter doesn't deserve to get porn." --enigma
"Pigdog knows how lonesome the heart gits." --Patient Joab
"A cow is about as close to a plant as you can get for a mammal." --Master Squid
"Flesh takes pictures (as do we all) with his mind. Somes folks' albums make tedious company, but his...make me hungry for pizza." --Juggler Vain
"Klebold was a patsy." --Miles Standish
"You're a mouth-breathing windows user." --Gank
"My mommy was busy selling pez to gutterpunks on University Way trying to convince them it was crack. " --Gank
"I hate things I can fuck up." --Negative Nancy
"The day is my enemy. The night is my friend." --Ella Fitzgerald
"if you post one more fucking "airliner-shot-down-by-missle" story, I'll tie you up in a device like Paul Snider tied Dorothy Stratten into, grease you up, and personally wheel you into the Lone Star on a beer bust night." --Flesh
"Head-freezin' is my business and business is good." --Gene
"I am the Radiskull. I'll kill you one by one." --Radiskull
"GIVE to Radiskull!" --Radiskull
"I think a man is as big as what makes him mad." --Reno Smith
"If everyone jumped off the Empire State building, it wouldn't hurt after a while." --Abby
"Your ideas about the Immaculate Conception are as wrong as your ideas about gun control." --X
"I'm a self-important, ignorant drunk who avoids organized religions like the plague." --Johnnie Royale
"I didn't eat any shit. I slung it back at ya like an angry mandrill." --h.r. taffs
"I'm gonna use this Model M until it drives all my coworkers INSANE." --Mr. Bad
"I think you're less of a freak than you want to be but more of a freak than you want to admit to your mom." --Tjames Madison
"I hate you non-smokers with all of my little black fucking heart, you obnoxious, self-righteous, whining little fucks, my biggest fear, if I quit smoking, is that I'll become one of you." --Bill Hicks
"Suck Satan's cock. Put that big scaly pecker down your gullet. Drink that black worm jism. Drink it! Fill your little bellies." --Bill Hicks
"Listen to your inner SPOCK!" --Head Freezin' Gene
"I've been on the road doing comedy for ten years now, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plow through this shit one more time." --Bill Hicks
"I love pornography. One of my biggest fears in life is that I'm gonna die and my parents are going to clean out my apartment and find that porno wing I've been adding onto for years." --Bill Hicks
"Clinton said he tried marijuana and didn't inhale - what does that tell you? Brownies or hash cakes?" --Bill Hicks
"I've got some bad news for non-smokers: Non-smokers die every day." --Bill Hicks
"When I'm interested in a truth, it's really a truth truth, one hundred per cent. And that's a terrible kind of truth to be interested in" --Lenny Bruce
"I guess that leaves killing Hare Krishnas as the only vice I've got left. Funny, because no one's been on me to kick that habit." --Bill Hicks
"Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs I see through you." --Bill Hicks
"It's not an adult feature unless, at the end, someone's gooey. Arcing ropes of jism hitting chins-- that is an adult feature." --Bill Hicks
"It Never Got Weird Enough For Me" --HST
"When The Going Gets Weird, The Weird Turn Pro" --HST
"If you find yourself smoking through a hole in your neck, it's time to quit." --Bill Hicks
"We are losing the 'War on Drugs,' which means there's a war going on and people on drugs are winning it." --Bill Hicks
"Gentle Reader, The Word will leap on you with leopard man iron claws, it will cut off fingers and toes like an opportunist land crab, it will coil round your thighs like a bushmaster and inject a shot glass of rancid ectoplasm." --WSB
"Most immortality blueprints are vampiric, directly or covertly..." --WSB
"My fits of Joy are soiled by relentless flashbacks and ghosts too foul to name" --HST
"You have come a long way from the Bloodthirsty, Beady-eyed news Hawk that you were in days of yore. Maybe you should try reading something besides those goddamn motorcycle magazines -- or one of these days you'll find hair growing in your palms." --HST
"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me." --HST
"As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so." --Dr. Gonzo
"There couldn't be a society of people who didn't dream. They'd be dead in two weeks. " --William S. Burroughs
"Black magic operates most effectively in preconscious, marginal areas. Casual curses are the most effective." --William S. Burroughs
"Nothing exists until or unless it is observed. An artist is making something exist by observing it. And his hope for other people is that they will also make it exist by observing it. I call it "creative observation." Creative viewing." --William S. Burroughs
"You can turn your back on a person, but, never turn your back on a drug. Especially when it's waving a razor-sharp hunting knife in your eye." --HST
"There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die." --HST
"We've gotta get out of here. I have The Fear." --Dr. Gonzo
"We were somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the drugs began to take hold." --HST
"Circus Circus is what the world would be doing every Saturday night if the Nazis had won the war." --HST
"I don't care to belong to any social organization which would accept me as a member" --Groucho Marx
"You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it." --Groucho Marx
"Don't take any guff from these swine! " --HST
"Kids! Bringing about Armageddon can be dangerous. Do not attempt it in your home." --Neil Gaiman
"With the truth so dull and depressing, the only working alternative is wild bursts of madness and filigree." --HST
"We need to do something monstrous before we die." --HST
"A reasonable doubt for a reasonable fee" --Dr. Gonzo
"He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope of ever behaving `normally." --HST
"Being shot out of a cannon will always be better than being squeezed out of a tube." --HST
"The TV business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs." --HST
"Psychedelics are almost irrelevant in a town where you can wander into a casino any time of the day or night and witness the crucifiction of a gorilla..." --HST
"In a world of thieves, the only final sin is stupidity." --HST
"No sympathy for the devil; keep that in mind. Buy the ticket take the ride." --HST
"Real happiness, in politics, is a wide-open hammer shot on some poor bastard who knows he's been trapped, but can't flee." --HST
"'Chicken Soup for the Woman's Soul'? Deal!" --Miles Standish
"Your web site is a disgrace to all mankind." --Allison (from Canadia)
"Only punks beat women and kick their dogs" --HST
"I am Spock." --Leonard Nimoy
"I applaud the coming apocalypse." --Mr. Bad
"Your life is at the crossroads of pleasant ennui and sheer terror." --Mr. Bad
"Our Man Zach: genial, Guinness-swilling Schweinhund since ere pig met dog" --Thom 'Starky' Stark
"When I thought something was cool, you suggested that I hook my testicles up to electricity." --Uncle Pedro
"Never trust a German to give you advice on what operating system you should use. Just remember what operating system they tried to get the world to use last time." --Flesh
"I am not a speed freak, godamnit!" --Pao-Tzu
"Scientists that live in glass labs, surrounded by fragile beakers of highly toxic materials, shouldn't throw frozen heads." --Johnnie Royale
"Beer is the best part of using a computer." --Mr. Bad
"Old punks don't die-- they just get really really annoying" --Negative Nancy
"What you do in the light is reflected in the dark. Leave some doors open before you cross over." --Anon
"I stand behind my irresponsible journalism!" --Mr. Bad
"I suspect you're being purposefully dense in order to make some sort of obscure point." --enigma
"I'm on speed now. It's nice." --Head-Freezin' Gene
"When I saw George Perry over there drinking sake and playing Connect Four, I thought "Now THERE'S a man who uses a non-standard video driver!"" --Binky
"I removed acroread to please vrms." --Don Marti
"I've got a Ph.D., Pimpin' Hos Degree!" --Pimpin' Ken
"Porn dogs sniffin the wind for something violent that they can do" --Underworld
"I have seen the violence inherent in the system, and it's ME." --Negative Nancy
"I am a Pyramids on Mars expert, not a swing expert!" --El Snatcher
"After the first glass [of absinthe] you see things as you wish they were. After the second, you see things as they are not. Finally you see things as they really are, and that is the most horrible thing in the world." --Oscar Wilde
"We commit more sacrilege before breakfast than most people do all day." --Mr. Bad
"What do you drink, those little things called "pints"?" --Master Squid
"We prefer to be the annoyance rather than the annoyed." --Mr. Bad
"If you are sober you should be trying to get drunk." --Johnnie Royale
"Just to recap: Hacking mainframes => Good. Hacking children's heads off => Bad. " --Negative Nancy
"I should just stay drunk all the time." --Johnnie Royale
"[I'm] too dumb to live, too damn lucky to die." --Mr. Bad
"We like boobies" --Johnnie Royale
"I guess my main point is: less lectures, more riots." --Mr. Bad
"The future is like walking down some unlit corridor, and it gets darker and darker as you move into it." --Jack Valenti
"Innocence is for suckers." --Tina the Troubled Teenager
"Of course, it is always easier to whine... Goodness knows we prove that on Pigdog-l every Goddamn Day." --Johnnie Royale
"People who read PDJ should expect to be lied to. Dangerous, irresponsible lies at that. Fuck the rules." --Lenny Tuberose
"Spock isn't pretend! Spock is FOR REAL!" --O
"Well, my dad grew up below the poverty line - so I got a lot of stories about walking to school in a blizzard, up hill; both ways - sounds pretty horrible... so I want to avoid having to live in a neighborhood like that." --Johnnie Royale
"Don't condescend to me, frat boy." --Thom 'Starky' Stark
"Geez, yr one to talk. Your liver is being given tortures that were last seen in Spanish dungeons during the Inquisition." --Flesh
"Cope or Die" --Johnnie Royale
"You say that like being an asshole on Pigdog-l is a bad thing." --Johnnie Royale
"When we get to legitimate threats of physical violence... you'll know that we are starting phase two." --Johnnie Royale
"Sheep, calf, pig; whatever semi-living meat is wandering around, the British will eat it." --Tjames Madison
"You say potato... I say fuck you." --Johnnie Royale
"Linux means never having to delete your love mail." --Don Marti
"I'll condescend to you all I want, bee-yatch. If you don't want to be condescended to, don't act like a putz. " --Mr. Bad
"I wish I had a chicken here right now so I could pull the head off as an object lesson to his evil little chicken friends. Fuckers." --Lenny the Nice
"I have a ring of Jesus fire that guides my decisions." --Chief Elgin
"But you are a fucking idiot." --Reficul
"TV rots your brain. " --Johnnie Royale
"Ah, a sense of peace washes my soul as I stare out the window and watch the retarded gardeners pass before me." --GodTodd
"I am become GAR, destroyer of worlds!" --Baron Earl
"Everything wants to be Free." --Ragboy
"I fucking hate sunrises." --Negative Nancy
"I encourage you to drink wine and examine your motives for being such an aggressive and angry skeptic." --Ratsnatcher
"I want my suitcase of pornography and sexual paraphernalia back." --Mr. Bad
"I am geeked, hear my freaked." --Sween
"It's the black bile and evil venom that gives me the strength to keep on living." --Bad Pixie
"It's all about balance ...and sleep. Only I forgot what the sleep part is really like." --Bad Pixie
"Parse does not the above." --Doctor Obnox
"I'm here to stupid myself to death." --Bonehead
"Your persona is the crime, and your life appears to be the punishment." --Lionheart
"The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober." --William Butler Yeats
"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time." --Catherine Zandonella
"Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol." --Anonymous
"Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls." --Ross Levy
"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her." --W.C. Fields
"What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?" --Tee Mans
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." --Henny Youngman
"Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life." --Michelle Mastrolacasa
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." --Dean Martin
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind." --Humphrey Bogart
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." --Benjamin Franklin
"Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world." --Kaiser Wilhelm
"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer." --Homer Simpson
"Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat." --Bullwinkle Moose
"Why is American beer served cold? So you can distinguish it from urine." --David Moulton
"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer." --Frank Zappa
"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me." --Winston Churchill
"Scotch - Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over white wine." --Unknown
"To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support Group" --Unknown
"Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser." --Unknown
"And God said, "Let there be vodka!" And He saw that it was good.Then God said, "Let there be light!" And then He said, "Whoa - too much light."" --Unknown
"If your 87 year old Aunt Edna all of a sudden started handing out fresh tabs of acid, would you complain about how embarrasing and un-hip Edna is with her rocking chair and Alzheimers n' all, or would you just shut up and enjoy this unexpected bounty... " --Patient Joab
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." --August Strindberg
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." --Rita Rudner
"Subtlety is not one of my virtues." --Johnnie Royale
"Who needs a soul when you've got American Express?" --Baron Earl
"The church is near, but the road is slippery. The bar is far away, but I will walk carefully." --Russian proverb
"Don't hate me because I'm the golden child." --Special Ed
"Subliminal messages inserted into Muzak may not work, but they've cranked them up at a couple of local stores in my area. I walk in the door and my head starts to buzz and my skin starts to crawl. Then again, maybe that's just my reaction to American consumer culture." --Baron Earl
"when i was froo-froo in the noggin, i used to hear from people in Nirvananet and i thought they were dead and i was talking with ghosts or angels. i just read about nirvananet on the web and it all seems quite different." --Sylvia
"Messing up a flamenco guitarist's performance is one of life's greatest pleasures." --Baron Earl
"We had a fine jug band." --Tjames Madison
"I discovered some time back that those bubble-wrap envelopes will hold liquor. Bitch to seal, though." --Crackmonkey
"I live in a tiny, mysterious third-world country that is very far away and filled with meat golems. It is called 'Colorado'." --Tjames Madison
"The first mistake of Art is to assume that it's serious. " --Lester Bangs
"The only questions worth asking today are whether humans are going to have any emotions tomorrow, and what the quality of life will be if the answer is no." --Lester Bangs
"At its best New Wave/punk represents a fundamental and age-old Utopian dream: that if you give people the license to be as outrageous as they want in absolutely any fashion they can dream up, they'll be creative about it, and do something good besides." --Lester Bangs
"They wouldn't be heroes if they were infallible, in fact they wouldn't be heroes if they weren't miserable wretched dogs, the pariahs of the earth, besides which the only reason to build up an idol is to tear it down again." --Lester Bangs
"The ultimate sin of any performer is contempt for the audience." --Lester Bangs
"Yippity-fuck, let's get stinkers." --Mr. Bad
"The chance that anyone has a bomb on a plane is very, very small. The chance that TWO people are carrying bombs is infinitessimally small. That's why I always carry a bomb with me when I fly. It improves my odds of surviving the flight without getting blown to bits." --enigma
"I don't let ASS CANCER keep me from seeing a good gig." --El Snatcher
"Do you really think this is a WISE thing for you to be doing?" --enigma
"I could walk the half block to work and get crazy speed there, but that involves putting pants on." --Mediavore
"Down with the Fucking Man, d00d." --Johnnie Royale
"No one ever wins an argument with the village idiot." --Flesh
"I _could_ do that. But that would require work. And I'd rather sit and complain." --Yosemite Sam
"I just successfully generated over 25000 web pages -- each page containing one or more BAD IDEAS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! With this I will RULE THE WORLD!" --enigma
"If you don't have political opinions, I will personally break down your door and curbstomp you." --Miles Standish
"Slackers can change this country" --Michael Moore
"I'd be more than happy to see the Democrats eat a big shit pie this November." --Mr. Bad
"Hehehehe. Funny you should mention nitrous tonight..." --Johnnie Royale
"Lynx is still cool, especially at work" --Bakunin
"Nature is a lazy Mother." --Anonymous
"We don't set the bar very high on Pigdog as it tends to exclude the short people from getting drinks." --Johnnie Royale
"The only way to stop having corrupt politicians is to stop voting for them." --Johnnie Royale
"[My vote] is not wasted. I am standing up and saying you can NOT deceive me. Perhaps others will notice and join me." --Johnnie Royale
"Vodka recipes and bragging about german X do not bad people make." --Winter Mute
"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers [when what I really want is absinthe and lots of sex]."" --Pablo Picasso
"What? I don't speak your crazy moon language!" --Crackmonkey
"Porn is good." --El Destino
"Don't ever accuse me of been sensible. EVER." --Johnnie Royale
"d00d! You missed the best part! Turns out that fat chick was actually BUGS BUNNY!" --Mr. Bad
"You are hereby absolved of the curse, my son. Go ye and fornicate freely." --That One
"Them is not hip to Us yet." --Tjames Madison
"I like to watch things rot." --Tjames Madison
"Fuck this town. Fuck the internet. Fuck it all..." --Manny
"Would there be room for people as cynical as us amongst you warm-hearted individuals?" --Lee
"Hold the conference in France: you can drink alcohol publicly, even near a school, you can piss on the street, you can argue with cops, you can teach Darwin's theory of evolution and you can have sex in public places." --Stephane Bortzmeyer
"Squirrels are responsible for that." --Donkey Hotey
"You kids have no idea what it was like watching porn on eight-millimetre film... !without a projector. " --Juggler Vain
"Fuck! I just realized, you people all hate me. " --Ratsnatcher
"Damn right we live in a dangerous society. Who would want it otherwise?" --enigma
"Bourbon contains phytoestrogens. You will grow big hooters if you keep drinking it." --Trevor
"The fear was most excellent, but the loathing could use some improvement." --Head Freezin' Gene
"But then again I wasn't dripping in blood. Well, not a lot." --Flesh
"Esperanto discrimination once again rears its ugly head..." --Benjamin Coates
"Rule 1: The world is not fair.
Rule 2: The world does not care.
" --Negative Nancy
"I want my invisible jet, just like Wonder Woman. Does that make me gay?" --Dag
"We need more maniacs. " --Ratsnatcher
"I hope you had an orgasm, because you just lost your balloon." --Scott
"i don't want challenge, i want DEBIAN" --elise
"No amount of lubricant can help bad cradit up the ass" --h.r.taffs
"Of course people in AA have a place with Pigdog. They’re our perma-designated drivers!" --Flesh
"Don't tell me how to do my research! I'll prattle all I want." --Bonehead
"You misspelled Freud, and you didn't understand the original joke. Go sit in the corner." --Tjames Madison
"Football is like fishing. Drinking by another name." --P a u l
"A doctor friend told me that in twenty years he never saw a vegetarian patient with disease, only trauma (gunshot wounds, for example)." --Trevor "Fuckhead" Johnson
"There is no beer in space. That really pisses me off." --Johnnie Royale
"My husband has never battered me, but then again, I've never given him a reason to." --Montana Gov. Judy Martz, Jan. 16, 2001
"It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet." --G.W. Bush, Arlington Heights, Ill., Oct. 24, 2000
"Godamn these voices in my head!" --Kip Kinkel
"Beer drinking don't do half the harm of love making." --Pigdog Proverb
"The mouth of a perfectly happy man is filled with beer " --Some drunk Egyptian 2200 B.C.
"Wine is but a single broth, ale is meat, drink and cloth." --Pigdog Proverb
"Please don't hurt me!" --Nick Moffit
"Goddamn all you people to hell. Thom Stark, you stole my Dog Name." --Ratsnatcher
"Maybe it's the Geekhive Effect." --Kakao Chouva
"When 900 years drunk you be... look this good you will not." --Johnnie "Yoda" Royale
"Oh, definitely fuck with SVNC." --Pao Tzu
"Hey, Tjames, pull my virtual finger." --Johnnie Royale
"It's like coming back to your hometown to see the town hall's clock still stopped at 10:04. Isn't it reassuring?" --Sneakums
"Beret-wearing, Citroen-driving, tofu-eating, espresso-drinking, electronica-listening, Ass-of-the-Man-kissing, Utne-reading, playa-hating whiteboy FREAK." --Tjames
"I'm a Fundamentalist Agnostic; I don't know whether God exists or not AND NEITHER DO YOU." --ICBINJ
"Gazillionaires don't worry about peons." --Johnnie Royale
"As far as I can tell, my salary is for useful programming, and the options are for total lines of code. Which given the current stock price, seems fair and just for everyone." --Joe
"A person not on a speed bender will have enough common sense to avoid using dynamite in disputes over neighborhood lighting issues." --Johnnie Royale
"I realize Webvan is going to fold any second, but do you realize they are giving away FREE HAM!?!" --Quaker State Tapioca Rupture
"Silly grownup, speed is for kids." --Juggler Vain
"Why should ANYONE around here feel in awe of "Fight Club?" Fuck "Fight Club." " --Mr. Bad
"I stand by my misinformed assumptions." --Mr. Bad
"Which is worse, a garden-variety moron or a zealot?" --Johnnie Royale
"I'd rather talk to moron than a zealot." --Johnnie Royale
"Your cyborg arms will always be too short to box with God, Gene." --Tjames
"Joey Ramone is DEAD! Don't you UNDERSTAND? Nothing you say can possibly matter now." --Tjames Madison
"I suggest you get very very drunk." --Johnnie Royale
"We're not doing our job if we're just pissing off Canadians." --Mr. Bad
"I'm going to Ibiza to cook up some Evil. What are you doing?" --Baron Earl
"Where are the myths? Who's writing the new epics? Where's the adventure?" --Enigma
"THE INTERNET IS A CURSE!!!!!!!!! wrought down upon my head like a plague of locusts." --The Compulsive Splicer
"I'll get drunk and see if the error can be replicated." --ICBINJ
"What is it with you Americans and your sodomy?" --Evil Swiss Steve
"there's a way to govern with reduced emissions of sucky tyranny... " --Juggler Vain
"It's true people can get away with playing with my head more easily than with most people's. This fact will just have to clunk along." --Sylvia
"Manic Depression is so 1995, man." --Tjames Madison
"Who needs brain cells?" --Bakunin
"Also, when I was your age, we walked ten miles each way to school in smog as thick as pipe smoke, wearing respirators, through mudslides, while being chased by serial killers. And we LIKED it that way." --Tjames Madison
"You obviously never tried to fuck a primate who hasn't seen his glass pipe in a while." --'gene
"Lithium and Depakote and Neurontin work better. But I'll admit, drinking is more fun. " --Joe
"Your atomic vector plotter seem to have ran out of strong Darjeeling, and starts picking up crosstalk from alternative reality branches." -- Head Freezin' Gene
"We'll all be a lot happier once you acquire a clue." --Thom 'Starky' Stark
"Is that my blood?" --P a u l
"Learn to love the wanker that is you, and perhaps one day you'll achieve true enlightnment and people will invite you to parties and such." --Tjames Madison
"Mommy, why does that bad man of the future have a Spock dildo up his butt?" --Ben Franklin
"In your culture, popularity may be achieved by bizarre beings and in strange ways." --Spock
"EVERYTHING IS BETTER IN THE ASS. Cocaine, wine, coffee, nitrous (supposedly quite dangerous), sushi, "Little Mermaid" DVDs, cat food, Forth: EVERYTHING is better if you put it in your ass. Everything!" --The Mighty Silverback
"[It] was quite a trip, I went to the fractals at the end of time - and back." --ICBINJ
"There are physical limits to depravity." --Head Freezin' Gene
"Point? What point? Who's got the point? Taco BOING!" --Tjames Madison
"The laughable extreme confirms the rule." --Mr. Bad
"My favorite Star Track is the one where Bilbo killed the Klingons with his magic sword." --Mr. Bad
"Can you subpoena the elements?" --Head Freezin' Gene
"I like my brains mushy, not crisp, with a liberal helping of gravy over it." --Head Freezin' Gene
"Perhaps you should shut your idiot facehole before more idiot falls out." --Mr. Bad
"I've always wanted to take acid at Disneyland. I'd get a set of mouse-ears with "Satan" embroidered on the hat-part, and wear them with a big, stupid, evil grin on my face. Then I'd go ride Mr. Toad's Wild Ride again and again, even though it isn't there anymore." --Enigma
"I must be getting old, because I don't think I could handle the masses of middle America thronging about me on anything but a nominal dose." --Bakunin
"Disneyland is like an airport: a fascist subdomain of the general ecosphere." --Mr. Bad
"The Weird get isolated and destroyed by white blood cells in the Disney bloodstream pretty quick." --Mr. Bad
"Did you know I did a google search the other day for 'alcoholic programmers' and nothing came back??? Who are they trying to kid?" --Mr. Bad
"I HATE those pills. They turn my dick orange." --Donkey Hotey
"I don't waste much time trying to tell one monkey from another." --enigma
"I see a REAL BAD HANGOVER in your IMMEDIATE FUTURE." --Head Freezin' Gene
"I wish I was drunk, so I wouldn't have to think of tomorrow." --Head Freezin' Gene
"Fuq, okay, so I'm writing this little report while pretty goddamn drunk off of all teh shit that we drank tonight." --Crackmonkey
"But then cops REALLY CAME and they SHUT DOWN THE FUTURE so we had to stumble out into the past and look for busses. We gave up and started looking for BATHROOMS. " --Crackmonkey
"Yorgo the barman had a friend drive us to Zeitgeist where there was THE TAMALE LADY and I had tamales and chocolate and Guinness and rum and YOU ALL MISSED OUT ON THE GREATEST FUCKING NIGHT IN SAN FRANCISCO EVER AND I LAUGH AT ALL YOUR MISFORTUNES! That is, until tomorrow morning, at which point I will likely be in heavy Regret Mode. " --Crackmonkey
"Run with the RATS, get RABIES and DIE. " --Mr. Bad
"Any REAL CREED has to mention Spock or it really isn't much of a CREED now, is it?" --Johnnie Royale
"I wonder if every city press club has an adjoining whiskey-soaked flophouse? " --Mr. Bad
"Fast ants are carrying the packets." --Yosemite Sam
"I know better, because I'm American, and I pledge upon the altar of Spock eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man." --Tjames Madison
"Fuck, now I'm drinking at work. This can't be any good, oh no." --Head Freezin' Gene
"I pledge upon the altar of Spock eternal hostility against every form of tyrrany over the mind of man." --Tjames Madison
"Anyone who doesn't walk lockstep arm-in-arm with YOUR way of loving your government, you label as some sort of NATO spy." --Tjames Madison
"The scarcity of public booze fountains is a major sore point with me. " --Johnnie Royale
"I hate to be a one issue voter, but the first candidate that promises public booze fountains gets my vote." --Johnnie Royale
"The US national anthem started out as a song about getting drunk and fucking." --Gustafson
"Oh right, like your opinions are any better then anybody else's. " --Johnnie Royale
"Occam's razor sez: I'll cut you." --Eugen*
"It's funny and Spockish, and it would make all the robots break when they see it! And then you would be king and you could make Harry Mudd go to hell." --ESP
"The sun is my enemy." --Johnnie Royale
"I'd rather shake it with a shoggoth." --Kat
"I'd like to see a play about Trotsky, Einstein and Magic Johnson, and they use a time machine to fight crime throughout history." --Tjames Madison
"Beer is life, life is beer. " --Johnnie Royale
"I hope some Arch-Angel Waitress in a tight fitting cocktail dress, with a small nose and really big tat tats, smacks you in the head for sucking down those LFPs and not tipping." --Johnnie Royale
"Mankind is basically a battlefield... a dark cellar in which a well-bred spinster lady and a sex crazed monkey are forever engaged in mortal combat, the struggle being refereed by a rather nervous bank clerk." --D. Bannister
"Is the tech economy down because we're all fucking around on the Internet during work hours, or are we fucking around on the Internet during work hours because the tech economy is down? This is one of those chicken/egg questions that keeps me up at night." --Master Squid
"So the founder of Men's Wearhouse, Dennis Peron, and the bassist for The Who walk into a bar. They get a frog and two spiders stoned. And then there is a mandrill." --Mr. Bad
"Who knew I could write something longer than a smug one liner." --Donkey Hotey
"Ahh, what's the point in trying to explain it to you? It's simpler to just say FUCK YOU." --H.R. Pufenstuf
"I think I've learned everything I know worth knowing from "Quincy."" --Mr. Bad
"I'm an optimistic realist, not a nihilist. Death is a permanent problem after a temporary solution." --Mr. Bad
"In case any of you decide to off yourself, may I please have your head?" --Head Freezin' Gene
"I think if people are obliged to live without the satisfying and soul-enhancing qualities of WORK, they should be given something else in return, like LUXURIOUS SLOTH." --Mr. Bad
"Does anyone know how to set someone on fire over the Internet?" --Mr. Bad
"The 9/16 wrench: simple in form, near universal in function, and missingfrom every goddamn toolbox I've ever owned, borrowed or stolen." --gomonk
"I realized at some point that I would have to give up either drinking or driving. It was a very easy decision to make. The next day somebody offered me 1000 dollars for my car. I spent it on food and drinks. " --Ocha Ha
"I don't have any interest in Texas Tower since I'm not on a killing rampage." --Mr. Bad
"I luv Barcelona almost as much as I love beer." --Negative Nancy
"The only way to settle this is with a bear-fight cage match." --Donkey Hotey
"I get the feeling that the Pentagon is the sort of place where after terrorists attack it, you just push over the corpses who have toppled onto your desk and get back to work." --Tjames Madison
"I actually don't give a fuck why they hate us." --Tjames Madison
"There is a very good chance now that the most powerful nation in the world is about to become an irrational killing machine, and I don't think it will know how to stop once it gets started." --Tjames Madison
"The more I think about religion and people and everything that we have and have done, the more I'm convinced we're just monkeys with sticks. " --Ragboy
"Use your words people. Use your words, cause they're all you have. " --Miss Conduct
"It may be just an opinion, but it's mine." --Miss Conduct
"Religion is worse than TV." --Johnnie Royale
"Women. Can't live with them. Can't kill them!" --Tom Arnold as Albert Gibson in True Lies
"When putting someone into a killfile, one should do it without hesitation, and without bringing attention to the fact. Killfiling someone and telling them beforehand is on par with running around with your fingers in your ears while screaming LALALALALALA" --Poindexter Fortran
"Little do people know that one day the Busey Clan will rise up and dominate the earth." --Roby
"You're still mad because I nailed you. 'GAR GAR (unprovoked unrelated personal attack) GAR GAR you suck etc.'" --H. R. Pufenstuf
"Some of us taste liquid death and like it." --Liquor Pig
"Last time a girl flirted with me like that on IRC, I ended up in Chicago." --Johnnie Royale
"Please leave my undergarments out of this discussion." --Daisy
"I sense our will to conquer being eaten away. And without that we are nothing." --Z'nox leader
"sodium pentothol is yummy" --Sylvia
"i should probably reiterate that this whole thing is probably a delusion. if it continues in my head i may write a spy novel." --Sylvia
"You're all locked into some big ANTI-FUN ZONE and I will have NO PART OF IT." --Tjames Madison
"Oh wow! Hooray! " --Siduri
"i thought maybe i should clearly state that i was kidding about the clones." --Sylvia
"when you are insane your mechanism for being able to tell when you are insane is impaired." --Sylvia
"You are about 95% full of shit." --Bad Ben Franklin
"If I see a van full of clowns driving down the Five that morning, I'm running them off the road." --Flesh
"I'm pretty sure that the FAA prohibits planes from flying into skyscrapers." --Johnnie Royale
"A one gigabyte hard drive. I'll never delete a file again!" --Doctor Murdock, in 1994
"On two concert I'm should've collective photo, but such small fat bald-headed technologist be insane." --Boris, as quoted by Henry Rollins
""Role models." Harharharharhar." --Tjames Madison
"Jeez, man. Why're you so eldritch tonight?" --Crackmonkey
"With respect to the no-dancing prohibitions, I strongly recommend that you see the documentary film "Footloose."" --Mr. Bad
"All the cool kids play D&D. Don't they?" --Siduri
"All Bad People of the Future had shitty lives as Miserable People of the Past." --Johnnie Royale
"The Octopus is gonna get you sooner or later." --El Snatcher
"All great quotes should end with 'my ass'" --Bubba Barnett
"hhahaha! That made me spill beer on my keyboard." --Ratsnatcher
"Behind every pathetic worthless loser of a man is a woman who figured his sorry ass out and stabbed him in the back." --The Compulsive Splicer
"Hope is not a method" --Splicer's High School Sex Ed Teacher
"My grandmother is made out of titanium." --Binky
"Don't hit the atmosphere. It'll only make it whine." --Binky
"I think I better dance now." --Tom Jones
"I quit drinking, and then I lost my car, and my house, my girlfriend and my job and my self respect. Now I'm homeless, unemployed, riding public transpo, broke, unloved and suicidally depressed, but you know what? today I don't have to drink." --Splicer
"Killfiles are lame. They're like bestiality, man -- if you absolutely must indulge, for God's sake, don't make a big fucking public deal about it." --Mr. Bad
"The gift of life is sticky" --Negative Nancy
"There would be a fucking miracle of god if that's what it took to ruin my day" --Negative Nancy
"I saw the sunrise over Tokyo one morning-- it hurt." --Negative Nancy
"It seems I've fallen into a pit of booze and can't get up" --Johnnie Royale
"Not buying it. Very sloppy. Extremely relaxed thinking." --Tjames
"In a nutshell: We love you. Take some drugs." --H. R. Pufenstuf
"What do you know about girls anyway, Gene? Ones with their heads still attached?" --H. R. Pufenstuf
"BLACK mustard seeds. little jar. oof." --rotten elf
"Sorry to be such an annoying prick." --Paul Vortex
"You're just trying to smear me by associating me with crazy reptoid conspiracists. You big smearer." --RatSnatcher
"It's raining out now. I'd go out and run naked except that I'm in Oakland and I'd probably be arrested." --The Compulsive Splicer
"i may outwardly seem like an antiquated mushball, but actually i have superpowers that allow me to control heartstrings and electrical cicuitousness." --rotten elf
"I've been taking calcium/magnesium to stop my butthole from spasming... it works." --Paul Vortex
"My problem with spontaneous human combustion is that never seems to happen to the "right" people. " --Johnnie Royale
"I need some screwtop wine and an Algerian whore." --Mr. Bad
"I prefer the more politically correct term, "Gun Nut."" --Squid
"I believe the most current term is "suspect."" --Mr. Bad
"My problem with spontaneous human combustion is that never seems to happen to the " --Johnnie Royale
"Has anyone ever told you you're sexy when you get all passive-agressive?" --The Compulsive Splicer
"Seeing your baby's face each morning would only be a cruel reminder of the nice person you used to be." --Mr. Bad
"Work's a sucker's game. I'm looking into opportunities in the BANK ROBBERY sector of the economy." --Mr. Bad
"This is becoming depressingly much like trying to explain sex to a eunuch.." --Thom 'Starky' Stark
"I took a Career Guidance test in high school. I checked off that I hated everything, but that working outside was tolerable. The computer software suggested that I become a Postal Carrier." --Baron Earl
"What is needed is not censorship, but rather increasingly educated senses of perspective and critical judgement." --rotten elf
"Oh good; more stupid. We were running low." --S. Dallas, Esq.
"Let's stop using money and go explore space together." --S. Dallas, Esq.
"i am so drunk i think Santa is CUTE." --rotten elf
"Isaac Asimov's still dead, right? He would have probably just used an analogy involving Tinker Toys and slices of individually wrapped cheese and I would be perfectly content." --Tjames Madison
"In another way, it's really cool. I don't know what that other way is, except it involves being really drunk." --Mr. Bad
"Do you understand the words coming out of my mouth? I doubt it, but I still keep trying." --Head Freezin' Gene
"Extropians don't have souls, so no moonbase for you." --Johnnie Royale
"You can put the liquor in the girl, but you cannot put the girl in the liquor." --Allegra
"Cunts are right up there with World Peace and 4.5 cubic liter normally aspirated V8 stockblock engines in my book." --Tjames
"Three words: LITERALIST FUCKHEAD DONUTS. You've been eating too many and you have literalist fuckhead jelly all over your literalist fuckhead face." --Mr. Bad
"I have no body hair, three nipples and a short tail. Is this going to hurt me in the swimsuit event?" --Lenny the Nice
"Somebody needs to open up a whole warehouse full of bitch-slap on those jerks.." --That One
"I hate the French! Give back our weirdo hillbilly television, you goddamn Frogs!" --Tjames Madison
"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by an endless series of hobgoblins, most of them imaginary." --H.L. Mencken
"I applaud your obvious intoxication but I have no fucking idea what you are ranting on about." --Johnnie Royale
"I think I need to either get another nickname or drink more." --Liquor Pig
"God I hope I never have to stop drinking - even after I die." --Johnnie Royale
"did the body take her meds?" --maj
"I hate Feinstein, okay? And I don't vote with my cunt." --Siduri
"You say that like Hawaiian Punch and Vodka is a bad thing." --Johnnie Royale
"In this field I am a little short on ignorance, but I've got a surplus of apathy." --The Compulsive Splicer
"You let yourself get sober. Rookie move." --Johnnie Royale
"Hey baby, wanna take a ride in... um... your own car?" --The Compulsive Splicer
"isn't there a zen sect that considers immersing oneself in sensual pleasures to be a path to nirvana ?" --rotten elf
"I hope we shall crush in its birth the aristocracy of our moneyed corporations, which dare already to challenge our government to a trial of strength and bid defiance to the laws of the country." --Thomas Jefferson, 1814
"Isn't there something somebody could be bickering about right now?" --Tjames Madison
"Does this mean you're gonna want your porno collection back?" --Johnnie Royale
"Any discussion that isn't about drinking, me or me drinking isn't interesting in the least." --Johnnie Royale
"Look outside, there are freshly slaughtered pigs bleeding in the snow, just like always." --Enigma
"Remember, safety third." --Johnnie Royale
"oh God there are huge bats flying around in here..." --Ratsnatcher
"Travel maddens the broads." --Mr. Bad
"If I ever need to get rescued by a group of toddlers and a man with a yellow purse whose only extraction plan is to quickly eat Tootsie Rolls, just let me explode with the god damn plane." --Sean Baby
"Evil is cool." --Miss Conduct
"(if this is a hallucination i'm enjoying it immensely.)" --rotten elf
"I must have eaten some really stupid people's brains." --Downer Cow
"I hate the Man just about as much as he hates me. " --Johnnie Royale
"Oops. Up too late. Sarcastic . . . grumpy . . . Must find brain and eat it . . " --Downer Cow
"The joke's on you! I *have* no head!" --Sneakums
"I for one am perpetually about three minutes away from taking to the street with Molotov cocktails." --Siduri
"Don't eat the Yak soup - it's not really Yak." --Johnnie Royale
"I like my brains fried." --Downer Cow
"Coherence is for pussies!" --Patient Joab
"Can't we just admit we're ALL fuckheads with astoundingly stupid opinions from time to time?" --Tjames Madison
"Please, folks, ASCII art is INTERLOGICAL POOPERY! Do not steal it, or you are a STEALER!!!!1!" --Mr. Bad
"Give me more anarchy clowns." --Tjames Madison
"In conclusion, you're all gay and I hate rock and roll." --Mr. Bad
"I am allegedly drunk." --Tjames Madison
"OK. What part of "Blah blah, blah BLAH blah" did you people not understand?" --P a u l
"One of the great things about aging is that you don't have to hang out with or see the people you had sex with as a teenager. With incest you don't have that luxury. " --Enigma
"If nothing else, we can always set a bad example." --Enigma
"I'm attacking you because it's FUN, dumbshit! " --Tjames Madison
"Hey, I take exception to that! I don't say "Wooo." I say, "Wooohahahah! WOOOOHahahHAHAHAH!!!!!"" --Ratsnatcher
"If you want a stable environment, you're already dead. And boring, to boot." --Mr. Bad
"If that's all there is, my friend, then let's keep dancing. Let's break out the booze and have a ball. If that's all there is." --Peggy Lee
"I sorta want to kill you real bad right now." --Tjames Madison
"Mutations are the engine of evolution." --Mr. Bad
"It is to sigh." --P a u l
"Hot Girl-Girl Action keeps me sober one day at a time. " --The Compulsive Splicer
"When your opponent's sittin' there holdin' all the aces, there's only one thing to do. Kick over the table. " --Dean Martin
"I really hate having to explain my jokes." --Johnnie Royale
"we are being too nice. i miss nastiness and perversion." --rotten elf
"There must be better things I can spend my time rampantly masturbating or something." --Paul Vortex
"I'm really pissed at NASA.... I'm also really drunk." --Johnnie Royale
"Ah, looks like it's about time to turn human misery into fat piles of cash." --S. Dallas, Esq.
"For too long our culture has said, "If it feels good, do it." Now America is embracing a new ethic and a new creed: "Let's roll." Let's roll a big fat joint America, and SMOKE IT." --President George W. Bush
"Mississippi children need to be learning blues guitar not fractions." --S. Dallas, Esq.
"The wind can blow me." --Miss Conduct
""Let's roll" was the last thing heard over a air-to-ground phone connection, said by one passenger to another, before the passengers attempted to retake the fourth hijacked aircraft on 9-11. Instead of gaining control of the aircraft and thwarting the hijackers, they succeeded in crashing the plane into the ground and killing everyone aboard, including themselves. A fitting motto if there ever was one. " --Baron Earl (referring to George W. Bush's new national motto)
"I don't let cops and judges tell me what I ought to think democracy is." --Dashiell Hammett
"Her skin was soft, like a decomposing body. I mean that in a good way." --El Destino
"I speak five languages. But it doesn't matter, because nobody understands what the hell I'm talking about." --Charo
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. Because when you wake up, that's as good as you're going to feel all day." --Frank Sinatra
"well, even the fringe needs a fringe" --rotten elf
"I'm worse than a faggot! I'm half a faggot!" --Reverend Cybersatan
"Next dead man float I'm gonna have is gonna have a piece of Mr. Bad floating in it." --Johnny Royale
"Bad people of the Future don't go to bed, they pass out." --Johnny Royale
"i like the bears. they are pretty. i fed them licorice jelly-beans." --rotten elf
"You know its people like you who make the middle east mad." --PDJ Reader "Not an American"
"I never thought Freedom was cheap" --Ralph "Sonny" Barger
"[Pigdog] is bigger than you. There is no "I" in "TEAM", just as there is no "YOU" in Pigdog." --Master Squid
"Can I rub my kooch on your head?" --Liquor Pig's Las Vegas Stripper
"Morality has no place in America. We are a capitalist society. " --Slashdot Reader
"I am not Leonard Nimoy " --Spock
"I am Leonard Nimoy " --Spock
"I've learned not to argue with Science, especially when it has two fists up my ass." --Siduri
"Besides, the NRA are a bunch of liberal commie pinkos." --Master Squid
"If I get drunk enough I will peel a skin strip from your arm, shoulder-to-wrist with an Oxo brand vegi peeler, and then crumple it up in a ball and wipe my ass with it." --Snatcher
"Ordinarily, I'd be happy to piss on you, but then some dog might think I owned you." --Reverend Cybersatan
" I ahte being a drunk tyypisty... " --Peter
"We talked about fucking your mom in her last agonizing moments. I hope she died a painful death." --Flesh
"i am now a bitch with a five pound cunt. i am proud." --rotten elf
"The future of e-zines may be in ratbag ventures such as Pigdog Journal." --Richard Poe (Canadian)
"Sid gets 10 points for accuracy and 10 for style. But I bet the French judge only gives her 8." --Lenny from Canadia
"Thanks for all the hard work you folks are conducting at SMRL. It has enhanced and certainly shortened my life." --Yehat
"PS: Don't let him freeze your head while you're still alive." --Snatcher
"There is nothing wrong with belt AND suspenders when it comes to security. Your position assumes that the belt is near perfect, and that you've got nothing worth looking at if your pants fall down anyway." --MasterSquid
"If I could give up Linux and masturbation, I'd probably gain 30 working hours in a week." --The Compulsive Splicer
"It's sort of like Moore's law or something -- every new alpha-geek Linux distribution will have a logo that's twice as lame as the logo for the last alpha-geek distribution." --El Snatcher
"As a writer, I kick your flabby ass to China and back. Your articles are rolling over and BEGGING my articles not to tear through their soft underbellies and slurp up their intestines like so much spaghetti. Your articles call my articles "sir." Your articles pull their dripping assholes WIDE for my articles' slightest pleasure. " --Siduri
"Maybe it's the something young inside us all that embraces the ever-enticing brew of hops and fellowship, a nation of glorious crackpots with their booze-fueled dreams" --El Destino
"I sense an excellent opportunity to get senselessly drunk." --Head-freezin' Gene
"Wow! Cool. You're writing from the future. Is there still beer?" --Miss Conduct
"This made me laugh so hard that gin came squirting out of my nose. Oddly enough, I was drinking lemonade at the time." --doctor obnox son of a bitch
"This made me laugh so hard that gin came squirting out of my nose. Oddly enough, I was drinking lemonade at the time." --doctor obnox son of a bitch
"I know what a cat thinks. A cat thinks, "Yeah, yeah, whatever. Shut up and open that can of food." And, "Everything is mine."" --Miss Conduct
"Arguing on Pigdog is like the Special Olympics: even if you win, you're still a retard." --Quaker State Tapioca Rupture
"I demand that a girl has brains before I fuck them out." --Paul Vortex
"consensus is impossible among thinking people. " --Sylvia
"Now I not only have no point, I have no answer." --S. Dallas, Esq.
"SMS is great if you have nothing to say and like to pay ten cents a message for the privilege of doing so." --Sean Neakums
"Pigdog Journal: The Weapons Grade Handbook for Bad People of the Future" --The Compulsive Splicer
"Kansas City scares me." --mediavore
"I'm a lot taller than I look." --Juggler Vain
"I never met a deadline that I liked." --Frankenstein Jones
"I love America so much that I want to fuck it." --Miss Conduct
"Cunts are a Good Thing." --Head-freezin' Gene
"Pol Pot himself was not that bad, all the time. but the other 4 of Pol Pot himself was not that bad, all the time. but the other 4 of him were TOTALLY EVIL." --rotten elf
"how do you love someone who has peoples' heads chopped off?" --rotten elf
"Rich powerful people, famous people, spies, political people, ALL have "clones". (Royals do not, except for Hirohito, but his was really obvious.)" --rotten elf
"THIS seems nuts to me." --rotten elf
"he [Pol Pot] told everyone i was being treated well becuase he would have his chefs prepare special exotic dishes, BUT THERE WAS NO WATER IN THEM." --rotten elf
"fuck you very much with a gun." --rotten elf
"i know this sounds insane, but my EX boyfirend really IS bill gates, and i'm presently refusing to fuck lots of other people as well." --rotten elf
"Bill Gates is such an idiot he had initials burned into my ass." --rotten elf
"oh man i'm starting to miss Cambodia." --rotten elf
"i just threw all my schitzo medication in the garbage where it belongs." --rotten elf
"if there's a blind monk somewhere going around saying he was ordered to teach Pol Pot's concubine how to love, i know him." --rotten elf
"if EVERYONE were insane, i might have more fun." --rotten elf
"i want a machine gun. i want whoever is doing this to me to stand in front of it and suck it." --rotten elf
"i'd rather be in a straightjacket than have to take this shit." --rotten elf
"i don't need meds, i just need pretty pigments." --rotten elf
"I pretty much like anything that has a penis." --Miss Conduct
"i am actually worried that somehow i've accidentally had test-tube babies with people i am possibly genetically RELATED to. hypothetically, would this be a problem?" --rotten elf
"I always use the Ed Asner test for my personal beliefs. That is, if I accidentally agree with Ed Asner, I go back and check my math." --S. Dallas, Esq.
"You're going to turn the [mailing] list into a three-day ignorance swap meet on tax policy. I think I'll head out of town for the weekend." --S. Dallas, Esq.
"God bless the drunks and the children, and the United States of America." --Mark Twain
"One man said it was getting towards the long days and the short nights now. T'other one said THIS warn't one of the short ones, he reckoned. And then they laughed, and he said it over again, and they laughed again..." --Mark Twain
"Ha ha! Flesh! You can't go back and change what I wrote! That's pathetic!!" --Wendolonia
"I've been told that I had a great time. " --Donkey Hotey
"I don't care what any of these eggheads say about estrogenic whatzahoozits. I'm willing to sing soprano and have a huge quivering hairy vagina in the middle of my chest if it means I get to have JUSTONE MORE GODDAMN BEER." --Mr. Bad
"Lawyers don't show up in photographs (or mirrors). Why do you think we have to use artists' renderings of trials?" --S Dallas, Esq
"All the yelling for peace is murder on my hangover" --Johnny Royale
"Variety is the spice of life. Cable television is the Spice Girl of Life." --Baron Earl
"I'm not smug. I just have a list of people I want to see dead." --Head-freezin' Gene
""It's for the children" has now been supplanted by "we're at war against terrorism." " --The Compulsive Splicer
"Tanks don't kill terrorists. They don't really discriminate." --Ragboy
"You don't need to try and get on my bad side, you're already there." --Johnny Royale
"I know it's terribly outre to imply that the constitution and its amendments might actually mean what they say. I apologize. I'm just a simple man." --P A U L
"You're a no-goodnik, and you've always been a no-goodnik, Lenny Shirose." --Frankenstein Jones
"I think that they should teach drinking in junior high and stop making it a college level course." --Johnnie Royale
"put down the patchouli" --Donkey Hotey
"You can't drink in parks around here; so I don't even know how to get to the parks. They might be nice, but I'll never know." --S. Dallas, Esq.
"You are wrong, mister arrogant big dumbass theory guy." --X
"Most of the time "ugly" is a state of mind. To surpass that state of mind, you have to encourage the ugly person to reach beyond their ugliness - this is what the liquor is for. If that doesn't work, you'll need to look very hard for the inner beauty of the ugly person - this is what the paper bag is for. " --MLP
"Liquor is God's holiest gift to us." --Joseph S. Barrera III
"If someone like Karl Rove had wanted to neutralize the most creative, intelligent, and passionate members of his opposition, he'd have a hard time coming up with a better tool than Burning Man. Exile them to the wilderness, give them a culture in which alpha status requires months of focus and resource-consumptive preparation, provide them with metric tons of psychotropic confusicants, and then... ignore them. It's a pretty safe bet that they won't be out registering voters, or doing anything that might actually threaten electoral change, when they have an art car to build. " --John Perry Barlow
"Berkeley is a place where you can be branded a "fascist" for supporting the "wrong" kind of rent control." --X
"I've been on the Atkins diet for nearly a year now and I'm regular as a clock." --Thom Stark
"I DON'T. Buy the tomatoes with. The stems. On them. They don't. Degrade. They go. Down the sink. And into the WATER. Then. They get lodged in the throats of little. OTTERS." --Christopher Walken
"Last night I had a bottle of sake, a pint of Guinness, a martini, and a glass of wine. And this morning I feel fine! Sometimes the hangover gods just give you a free pass. " --Siduri
"Some of us figured out in the 1950s that blacklists were a bad idea. Some of us have that lesson still ahead of us." --John Gilmore
"I read this book once called "The Baghdad Blogger"... I thought it was gonna be some Jack the Ripper thing... turned out to be some guy who liked Portishead. The sort of guy you'd go for a pint with, but would prefer not to read a bloody book about. " --Zippy
"All these worlds are yours. Except for Neptune. That one is Arkuat's." --Head-Freezin' Gene
"He had a very sort of, a strangely very attractive sort of pungent sort of gamey, sort of a venison or a lamb sausage... and a little bit of rosemary with a touch of ranch dressing." --James Spader, discussing the aroma of William Shatner
"Isn't a Germanic Extropian childern's book an oxymoron? Just saying." --Johnnie Royale
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, That's as good as they're going to feel all day." --Frank Sinatra
"The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk they're sober." --William Butler Yeats
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools." --For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway
"Work is the curse of the drinking class." --Oscar Wilde
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." --Henny Youngman
"Always do sober what you promised you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." --Ernest Hemmingway
"Blogs are to Wikis as masturbation is to anonymous group sex." --Master Squid
"I had a beer at lunch." --Dick Cheney
"There is nothing quite like cutting a hole in a dead quail and fucking it." --Benjamin Franklin
"...she asked me point blank if I considered myself a Buddhist or a Christian. I said I was bisectual." --Splicer
"Oh man, I think I drank some of that with Dr. Biggles many, many years ago when he had more internal organs." --Ratsnatcher
"This is a very efficient way to tell your liver "fuck you! I don't fucking like you!" To tell the truth, I'm afraid to stand up. I'm mildly buzzed, but judging by the level of whiskey in the jar when I stand up I am going to be sitting right back down again." --H.R. Taffs
"Wikis are a piece of hippie technology, based on good intentions and sharing and happy goodness and mom and apple pie but, as in every hippie technology, the actual implementation sucks." --Kiko
"Yeah, that was big news MONTHS AGO." --Crack Monkey
"I'll do my best! Don't expect too much!" --Paul Vortex
"Slim-Fast bars are pretty good if you dip them in batter and deep-fry them." --h.r.taffs
"Anne Coulter is a character of a parody of a comic book villain. There's no Godwin Law on the intertubes for invoking Coulter, but there should be." --Johnny Royale
"Got tight last night on absinthe. Did knife tricks." --Ernest Hemingway
"Journalism is fun. There's a lot of drinking involved." --Baron Earl
"Echo chamber gonna echo." --P a u l
"My Sunday bartender has a full beautiful beard and a lovely singing voice, but he's shit for conversation." --Arkuat
"Van Morrison would have arranged this song much tighter!" --Arkuat
"If your faith allows you to believe that Donald Trump is a God-fearing Christian and Barack Obama wasn't, your faith is white supremacy." --Keith Boykin‏
"If you think fertilized eggs are people but refugee kids aren't, you're going to have to stop pretending your concerns are religious." --LOLGOP
"I wonder what kind of damage Larry Ellison could do, if he started doing meth." --Flesh
"We’re living in a parallel universe. Unfortunately it’s the one where Spock grows a beard." --Baron Earl

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