Well, dear reader, there's no denying it: Spring has sprung. The air is pungent with the fertile aroma of Romance. And you know what goes with Romance, don't you? That's right, Lover, porn. And not just any porn, but the kind you can sing along to.

Porneokie, brought to you by The Forces of Chaos, will be presented in the theatre at Spanganga this Friday, April 26. Porneokie is karaoke combined with some of the nastiest porn known to Man. Porn everywhere. Video monitors chock full of porn. Men writhing in a sunny glade on the lyrics monitor. Gigantic money shots on a big screen behind the singers. Moaning, slapping, squirting, Ron Jeremy.

Binders full of song selections float around the theatre and on the sign-up table. There are many marvelous songs to choose from. Particular charmers include, The Rose:

"Some say love, it is a hunger, an endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower, and you it's only seed."

As well as Brandy:

"She could feel the ocean fall and rise
She saw its ragin' glory"

My favorite, though, was the synchronistic surrealism of I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus sung during a hot action scene involving a dwarf in an Elf suit. Other song selections include: My Boyfriend's Back, You've Lost That Loving Feeling, That's Amore, and My Way. One specticipant was such a karaoke geek that he brought his own CDs. His selections weren't very Porneokie-ish. But the fact that the Karaoke Scene has reached this level fascinates me.

Unfortunately, it is a felony to sell open containers of alcohol in close proximity with obscene material in a California business establishment. There is apparently a case pending in the Supreme Court right now which, if it wins, can allow the neighborhood pub near you to host Porneokie. So if anyone has information/news regarding this matter, please let Miss Conduct know right this instant. (There is a feedback link directly to your left). Keeping porn and alcohol apart is un-American.

Meanwhile, Miss Conduct's Porneokie Pointers: Do Not Block The Porn, select a back-up song in case a CD is missing or there's a numbering error on the song list, be prepared to stall the crowd, avert your eyes when there is scat, tip the DJ, bring friends.

You can view some Porneokie here. But be careful, there's porn.

tunafish@pigdog.org