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I fucking hate sunrises.
-- Negative Nancy

 

E. Coli Meets the Internet -- Reported 1999-04-22 17:56 by Pao Tzu

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

E.

Organic computer chips are the newest rage in high-speed networking. New organo-servers are currently being developed in a joint effort by IBM, Novell, Paulo Rodriguez, senior genetic scientist and his staff at the research laboratories at the University of Montezuma, MX. These ``biochips'' are capable of speeds comparable to nerve impulses and boast central processors capable of delivering data through action potentials. Imagine, if you will, a computer that checks your email as regularly as a pulse and defragments your drives as automatically as you would breathe. These biocomputers are internet ready off the shelf. The ``bacterial stream'' of data I/O is capable of sending and receiving data through existing sewer networks, making use of yet another untapped alternative broadband-capable infrastructure. According to Dr. Rodriguez, the sewer pipe makes it possible to send data packets in the order of ``quadrillions of terabytes'' but that the time it takes to receive a packet depends largely on the flow in your city. The current sewer flow in the first rollout test area - Mexico City - is very high and supports bandwidth in the order of 1.544Qbps.

The debate over the use of this technology has to do with randomly occurring viruses which could be spread throughout the network. No such viruses have yet evolved, but several worms have been reported. Because bio-data-packet technology employed by bacterial streams uses the existing infrastructure of sewer pipes, the stream itself is also a vector for human viruses. Rodriguez and his staff have done thorough testing of the system and IBM assures the public that there is no possibility of contamination.

Installation is quick and painless, unlike the madness of xDSL, cable, and satellite systems. A technician arrives at the installation site with three components to install, the biocomputer, and the upstream and downstream biomodems. The upstream modem connects to any latrine and sends data packets via redirected flow from the biocomputer into the sewer system. The downstream modem must be in direct line of sight to the gutter, so you see how this could be a factor stopping many areas from receiving bacterial streams. For these people, such as those using septic tanks, the only alternative is to have a dedicated downstream provider. An advantage of this is that many companies are willing to pay subscribers to receive data over the bacterial stream connection. The only drawback of such a system is the need for an analog modem for upstream connections. Also, conventional septic tanks fill up quickly with such a service in place, but in areas of Mexico practicing large-scale agriculture, this technology has been warmly welcomed.

The bacteria used to power this revolutionary technology of BCPUs, BRAM, BDrives, and B.S.L. is driven by the Ibteria convellum bacteria which is handled by the Intersewage Bacteria Modems. Similar bacteria, Ibteria cyrixii and Ibteria americanus are still in test phase. Ibteria convellum exist as colonies which divide into other colonies consisting of exactly 1024 mini-colonies per Ibteria convellum colony. Each colony is the equivalent of 1024 bits and are microscopic. For example, a gigabit of data would fit in a fraction of a cubic micrometer. This data can be interpreted by any standard peripheral device through a conversion hub which uses high-density doppler-chain Boltzman-class subconductors to convert bacteria into standard electrical data. So, as can be easily deduced, until the rollout of bioprinters and biomonitors, peripherals will still bottleneck overall performance of a biocomputer such as the IBM OrganoServer.

 

 

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

zales@pigdog.org


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