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I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, That's as good as they're going to feel all day.
-- Frank Sinatra



Justification -- The Wacky Spokesman Game

By Mr. Bad
Pigdog Editor

For some strange reason Pigdog Journal is no longer invited to those cool press briefings at the Pentagon. I think it has something to do with fact that our last White House Correspondent was none other than Flesh, whose professional demeanor was less than appropriate for the formal atmosphere of DC. For example, at the Wye River Peace Accords signing, he showed up stumbling drunk, did 3 lines of trucker speed on the Press Secretary podium, and kept yelling, "HEY, IT'S SPOCK!!!" whenever Sam Donaldson stood up to ask a question. He eventually vomited on a Secret Service agent's patent leathers and passed out in the Rose Garden.

So, given our current lack of access, we've had to resort to making up our own, fictional government spockspersons -- uh, I mean "spokespersons", of course. We've posited our main questions about the current bombings in Iraq to our highly fictional foil; the illuminating conversation ensues.

Pigdog Journal: So, the most important question: why are we bombing Iraq?

Government Spocksperson: Because they present a threat to their neighbors.

PDJ: How are they a threat to their neighbors?

GS: They have weapons of mass destruction.

PDJ: What kind of weapons?!

GS: OK, well, not actual weapons per se, but they have the capacity for weapons of mass destruction.

PDJ: OK, but a whole lot of countries have real weapons of mass destruction. Why attack Iraq?

GS: Uh, Iraq is different, because they have Saddam Hussein.

PDJ: Uh, there are some pretty bad people out there. Why is Saddam Hussein so bad?

GS: Because he has weapons of mass destruction.

PDJ: Uh...?

GS: I mean, he has weapons of mass destruction, I mean the capacity for weapons of mass destruction, and has shown that he's willing to use them.

PDJ: Why would anyone make weapons of mass destruction if they weren't willing to use them?

GS: Uh...

PDJ: OK, forget that question. So, is there any other reason that we hate Saddam Hussein?

GS: Well, he's refused to comply with UN resolutions.

PDJ: Umm, there are a lot of countries that do that. Like, say, the United States.

GS: OK, yeah, but, he was really really refusing to comply.

PDJ: What resolutions?

GS: Well, he's supposed to let us inspect his capacity for weapons of mass destruction.

PDJ: Uh, has he done this?

GS: Yeah, for about seven years now.

PDJ: And, that's not complying?

GS: Well, he hasn't given us unfettered access.

PDJ: Did you find any weapons?

GS: Yeah, they destroyed a lot of weapons in 92 and 93.

PDJ: Even with fetters?

GS: Well, they're really good inspectors.

PDJ: And nothing else for the last five years or so?

GS: Not really.

PDJ: So, why doesn't Saddam Hussein like having inspectors?

GS: They say they're foreign spies.

PDJ: But they're not

GS: No. Just, like, former CIA agents and stuff. Nothing spy-like there.

PDJ: So, why are there still inspectors there?

GS: To keep up the pressure on Iraq.

PDJ: OK, but they're not spies or anything.

GS: No.

PDJ: It's not a punishment.

GS: No, just trying to see if they're in compliance.

PDJ: So, they haven't found anything in the last four or five years?

GS: Well, we think we've found that they have the capacity for weapons of mass destruction.

PDJ: Really?

GS: Yeah, they have so-called potential dual-use facilities.

PDJ: What's that mean?

GS: Well, like pharmaceutical factories.

PDJ: Those could be used to make weapons of mass destruction?

GS: Yeah.

PDJ: So we want them to get rid of their pharmaceutical factories?

GS: Uh, kinda, yeah.

PDJ: If they got rid of them, could they buy pharmaceuticals from elsewhere?

GS: No. There's UN sanctions that prohibit bringing in medicine to the country.

PDJ: Would we lift the sanctions if they comply with the resolutions?

GS: No. We must keep up the pressure.

PDJ: So, you're saying, they can't have any medicine anywhere in the country?

GS: Right. Saddam Hussein is crazy. It's impossible to negotiate with him.

PDJ: OK. So, let's just say that we hate Saddam Hussein. Are you trying to kill him?

GS: No. We can't, by international law.

PDJ: You can't?

GS: No, international law prohibits trying to topple a head of state.

PDJ: So, uh, let me get this straight -- we're attacking Iraq because of Saddam Hussein, but we're not allowed to attack them in a way to get rid of Saddam Hussein?

GS: That is correct.

PDJ: So, we need to attack the Iraqi people to punish them for having Saddam Hussein as their dictator?

GS: Our quarrel is not with the Iraqi people.

PDJ: No quarrel?

GS: No.

PDJ: Like, "Nothing personal, we're just going to kill you now"?

GS: Yeah, kind of like that. We deeply regret it, but, that's the way it is.

PDJ: OK, well, then, why not just attack, say, Canadia? Since we're not relating the attack to actually trying to get the people who we hate?

GS: That would be unprovoked aggression.

PDJ: And that would be bad.

GS: Right. That would put us on the level of, say, Saddam Hussein or something.

PDJ: Umm, so the timing of the attacks is kind of suspect, what with there being a vote in the House for impeaching President Clinton.

GS: People who say that are engaged in scurrilous partisan attacks. They should be supporting our troops and supporting our President.

PDJ: The same president that everyone wants to impeach?

GS: Right. We should respect and support his decision.

PDJ: Even if we think he's not fit to be president?

GS: Right.

PDJ: Because he is president.

GS: Right.

PDJ: Why did the air strikes have to happen now?

GS: Well, we're going in to the month-long Islamic holiday of Ramadan. Our Arab allies would not accept it if we attacked during this time, so we had to do the attack before Ramadan.

PDJ: But, they hate us for attacking already. All the Arab states are condemning the attack.

GS: Yeah, but they would have been really mad if it had happened during Ramadan. It would appear unfair to kill unarmed civilians in Iraq during their time of worship.

PDJ: But it's OK to kill them before that?

GS: Yeah. They don't mind so much then.

PDJ: So, back to President Clinton. The House has cancelled the vote of impeachment until further notice, right?

GS: Yes. That's appropriate in a time of crisis like this.

PDJ: So, if the President had ordered air strikes to keep from getting impeached, it would have worked?

GS: Uh, yeah. But he didn't.

PDJ: Ok. Well it's good we got that straight.




Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

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