Justification -- The Wacky Spokesman Game
By Mr. Bad
For some strange reason Pigdog Journal is no longer invited to
those cool press briefings at the Pentagon. I think it has
something to do with fact that our last White House
Correspondent was none other than Flesh, whose professional
demeanor was less than appropriate for the formal atmosphere of
DC. For example, at the Wye River Peace Accords
signing, he showed up stumbling drunk, did 3
lines of trucker speed on the Press Secretary podium, and kept
yelling, "HEY, IT'S SPOCK!!!" whenever Sam Donaldson
stood up to ask a question. He eventually vomited on a Secret
Service agent's patent leathers and passed out in the Rose
So, given our current lack of access, we've had to resort to
making up our own, fictional government spockspersons -- uh, I mean "spokespersons", of
course. We've posited our main questions about the current
bombings in Iraq to our highly fictional foil; the illuminating
Pigdog Journal: So, the most important question: why are we bombing Iraq?
Government Spocksperson: Because they present a threat to their neighbors.
PDJ: How are they a threat to their neighbors?
GS: They have weapons of mass destruction.
PDJ: What kind of weapons?!
GS: OK, well, not actual weapons per se, but they have the capacity
for weapons of mass destruction.
PDJ: OK, but a whole lot of countries have real weapons of mass
destruction. Why attack Iraq?
GS: Uh, Iraq is different, because they have Saddam Hussein.
PDJ: Uh, there are some pretty bad people out there. Why is Saddam
Hussein so bad?
GS: Because he has weapons of mass destruction.
GS: I mean, he has weapons of mass destruction, I mean the capacity
for weapons of mass destruction, and has shown that he's willing to
PDJ: Why would anyone make weapons of mass destruction if they weren't
willing to use them?
PDJ: OK, forget that question. So, is there any other reason that we
hate Saddam Hussein?
GS: Well, he's refused to comply with UN resolutions.
PDJ: Umm, there are a lot of countries that do that. Like, say, the
GS: OK, yeah, but, he was really really refusing to comply.
PDJ: What resolutions?
GS: Well, he's supposed to let us inspect his capacity for weapons of
PDJ: Uh, has he done this?
GS: Yeah, for about seven years now.
PDJ: And, that's not complying?
GS: Well, he hasn't given us unfettered access.
PDJ: Did you find any weapons?
GS: Yeah, they destroyed a lot of weapons in 92 and 93.
PDJ: Even with fetters?
GS: Well, they're really good inspectors.
PDJ: And nothing else for the last five years or so?
GS: Not really.
PDJ: So, why doesn't Saddam Hussein like having inspectors?
GS: They say they're foreign spies.
PDJ: But they're not
GS: No. Just, like, former CIA agents and stuff. Nothing spy-like
PDJ: So, why are there still inspectors there?
GS: To keep up the pressure on Iraq.
PDJ: OK, but they're not spies or anything.
PDJ: It's not a punishment.
GS: No, just trying to see if they're in compliance.
PDJ: So, they haven't found anything in the last four or five years?
GS: Well, we think we've found that they have the capacity for
weapons of mass destruction.
GS: Yeah, they have so-called potential dual-use facilities.
PDJ: What's that mean?
GS: Well, like pharmaceutical factories.
PDJ: Those could be used to make weapons of mass destruction?
PDJ: So we want them to get rid of their pharmaceutical factories?
GS: Uh, kinda, yeah.
PDJ: If they got rid of them, could they buy pharmaceuticals from
GS: No. There's UN sanctions that prohibit bringing in medicine to the
PDJ: Would we lift the sanctions if they comply with the resolutions?
GS: No. We must keep up the pressure.
PDJ: So, you're saying, they can't have any medicine anywhere in the
GS: Right. Saddam Hussein is crazy. It's impossible to negotiate with
PDJ: OK. So, let's just say that we hate Saddam Hussein. Are you
trying to kill him?
GS: No. We can't, by international law.
PDJ: You can't?
GS: No, international law prohibits trying to topple a head of state.
PDJ: So, uh, let me get this straight -- we're attacking Iraq because of
Saddam Hussein, but we're not allowed to attack them in a way to get
rid of Saddam Hussein?
GS: That is correct.
PDJ: So, we need to attack the Iraqi people to punish them for having
Saddam Hussein as their dictator?
GS: Our quarrel is not with the Iraqi people.
PDJ: No quarrel?
PDJ: Like, "Nothing personal, we're just going to kill you now"?
GS: Yeah, kind of like that. We deeply regret it, but, that's the way
PDJ: OK, well, then, why not just attack, say, Canadia? Since we're not
relating the attack to actually trying to get the people who we hate?
GS: That would be unprovoked aggression.
PDJ: And that would be bad.
GS: Right. That would put us on the level of, say, Saddam Hussein or
PDJ: Umm, so the timing of the attacks is kind of suspect, what with
there being a vote in the House for impeaching President Clinton.
GS: People who say that are engaged in scurrilous partisan attacks.
They should be supporting our troops and supporting our President.
PDJ: The same president that everyone wants to impeach?
GS: Right. We should respect and support his decision.
PDJ: Even if we think he's not fit to be president?
PDJ: Because he is president.
PDJ: Why did the air strikes have to happen now?
GS: Well, we're going in to the month-long Islamic holiday of Ramadan.
Our Arab allies would not accept it if we attacked during this time,
so we had to do the attack before Ramadan.
PDJ: But, they hate us for attacking already. All the Arab states are
condemning the attack.
GS: Yeah, but they would have been really mad if it had happened
during Ramadan. It would appear unfair to kill unarmed civilians in
Iraq during their time of worship.
PDJ: But it's OK to kill them before that?
GS: Yeah. They don't mind so much then.
PDJ: So, back to President Clinton. The House has cancelled the vote of
impeachment until further notice, right?
GS: Yes. That's appropriate in a time of crisis like this.
PDJ: So, if the President had ordered air strikes to keep from getting
impeached, it would have worked?
GS: Uh, yeah. But he didn't.
PDJ: Ok. Well it's good we got that straight.