We have a lots of discussions on the Pigdog mailing list, most
of it is pretty banal and stupid. But every once in awhile a post
rises up above the noise.
To set the background, as you probably know there is a lot of
unhappiness in the Middle East right now. We haven't covered it
here in the PDJ for a number of reasons. The primary one is that
we sent our best field reporter to the Middle East so we could provide
Unfortunately, he only made it as far as Amsterdam. Seems he
had to transfer between flights and decided to check out the famous
Red Light Distinct during the layover. He's still there and Accounting
is still getting expense reports that have made several women in
the department faint just from reading them.
Anyway, one of the posters on Pigdog suggested that instead
of shooting the Palestinians, that the Israelis should develop and
deploy a shit squirting gun. The theory here being shooting rubber
bullets at the rock throwing protesters only makes them potential
martyrs if they get hit and die and means they get to go to heaven
get and 13 virgin brides. (Or something... I'm not really very knowledgeable
about Islam. And I find the whole virgin bride thing a little unbelievable.
Since, this person claimed, the Palestinians really want to
be shot at (die, become a martyrs, and have lots of sex in heaven),
the Israelis should just start flinging poo at them. The poo would
be unlikely to kill anyone and if it did, it seems unlikely that
13 virgin brides would await someone that died in a poo attack.
Apparently, it was felt that dying in a poo attack lack sufficient
honor and they'd probably smell too much to make it into heaven.
Anyway, Mr. Bad, after thinking about for a bit, decided that
poo was the wrong weapon for the Israelis, and proceeded to give
his plan for solving the violence in the Middle East - JR
Oh, yeah, that'd be a
public-relations BONANZA, wouldn't it? I can see the headlines now:
STOP POURING METAPHORIC SHIT ON PALESTINIANS;
BEGIN USING LITERAL
I've got a better idea.
How about just throwing ROCKS, like the Palestinians do? Israeli
flaks are always talking on "Nightline" about how dangerous and
life-threatening the rocks are, and how they have to respond with
Uzi fire to protect the soldiers. Not to mention how harmless the
rubber bullets are, that have killed like a hundred people in the
last few weeks. Ariel Sharon is always, like, "Rubber bullets? They
are like tickle of the snowflake, so harmless are they. I don't
know why we even bother."
It all seems really unfair
to me. The odds are way against the Israelis, if you believe the
news. I say that maybe it's time that Israel took the step up to
advanced Palestinian rock technology. Why should they have to use
pussy rubber bullets when Palestinians have the awesome destructive
power of ROCKS at their disposal?
Not to mention that it
would be great publicity, too. On the off chance that a Palestinian
got killed by a crushing rock blow, Palestinians wouldn't have a
leg to stand on, martyr-wise. "You killed one of our people by throwing
back one of the rocks we threw at you!" Doesn't really bring a tear
to your eye, does it? That big problem of pro-Palestinian sympathy
goes way down.
Not to mention that it
would show all the scoffers like me the truly devastating capacity
of rocks for mass destruction. "We TOLD you that they were dangerous.
But NOOOO! You didn't believe us. See!? Do you see now the incredible
danger of rocks?"
Also, the Israelis could
say, "You've been throwing rocks at our soldiers for like 25 years,
and how many have you killed? Three, four, maybe? If that? But we
killed one of your guys in our FIRST DAY of rock-throwing! You guys
SUCK! No wonder we rule over you. In your *FACE*, Palestine!" High
fives all around, and great knuckle-biting and gnashing of teeth
in Samaria and Judea, believe you me.
I think the big question
for Americans is, why do we keep giving foreign aid to the Israelis
when they keep spending it on stupid stuff like tanks and rifles
and other ineffective shit like that? I bet we could just send over
an aircraft carrier packed to gunwhales with fist-sized chunks of
good ol' Vermont granite, and (assuming it didn't sink) this whole
Middle East thing would be taken care of in a couple hours.