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The Middle East Solution
2000-10-18 10:40:22

Pigdog Journal
Pigdog Journal

We have a lots of discussions on the Pigdog mailing list, most of it is pretty banal and stupid. But every once in awhile a post rises up above the noise.

To set the background, as you probably know there is a lot of unhappiness in the Middle East right now. We haven't covered it here in the PDJ for a number of reasons. The primary one is that we sent our best field reporter to the Middle East so we could provide TOTAL COVERAGE.

Unfortunately, he only made it as far as Amsterdam. Seems he had to transfer between flights and decided to check out the famous Red Light Distinct during the layover. He's still there and Accounting is still getting expense reports that have made several women in the department faint just from reading them.

Anyway, one of the posters on Pigdog suggested that instead of shooting the Palestinians, that the Israelis should develop and deploy a shit squirting gun. The theory here being shooting rubber bullets at the rock throwing protesters only makes them potential martyrs if they get hit and die and means they get to go to heaven get and 13 virgin brides. (Or something... I'm not really very knowledgeable about Islam. And I find the whole virgin bride thing a little unbelievable. But \/\/hatever.)

Since, this person claimed, the Palestinians really want to be shot at (die, become a martyrs, and have lots of sex in heaven), the Israelis should just start flinging poo at them. The poo would be unlikely to kill anyone and if it did, it seems unlikely that 13 virgin brides would await someone that died in a poo attack. Apparently, it was felt that dying in a poo attack lack sufficient honor and they'd probably smell too much to make it into heaven.

Anyway, Mr. Bad, after thinking about for a bit, decided that poo was the wrong weapon for the Israelis, and proceeded to give his plan for solving the violence in the Middle East - JR


Oh, yeah, that'd be a public-relations BONANZA, wouldn't it? I can see the headlines now:

ISRAELIS STOP POURING METAPHORIC SHIT ON PALESTINIANS;
BEGIN USING LITERAL SHIT

I've got a better idea. How about just throwing ROCKS, like the Palestinians do? Israeli flaks are always talking on "Nightline" about how dangerous and life-threatening the rocks are, and how they have to respond with Uzi fire to protect the soldiers. Not to mention how harmless the rubber bullets are, that have killed like a hundred people in the last few weeks. Ariel Sharon is always, like, "Rubber bullets? They are like tickle of the snowflake, so harmless are they. I don't know why we even bother."

It all seems really unfair to me. The odds are way against the Israelis, if you believe the news. I say that maybe it's time that Israel took the step up to advanced Palestinian rock technology. Why should they have to use pussy rubber bullets when Palestinians have the awesome destructive power of ROCKS at their disposal?

Not to mention that it would be great publicity, too. On the off chance that a Palestinian got killed by a crushing rock blow, Palestinians wouldn't have a leg to stand on, martyr-wise. "You killed one of our people by throwing back one of the rocks we threw at you!" Doesn't really bring a tear to your eye, does it? That big problem of pro-Palestinian sympathy goes way down.

Not to mention that it would show all the scoffers like me the truly devastating capacity of rocks for mass destruction. "We TOLD you that they were dangerous. But NOOOO! You didn't believe us. See!? Do you see now the incredible danger of rocks?"

Also, the Israelis could say, "You've been throwing rocks at our soldiers for like 25 years, and how many have you killed? Three, four, maybe? If that? But we killed one of your guys in our FIRST DAY of rock-throwing! You guys SUCK! No wonder we rule over you. In your *FACE*, Palestine!" High fives all around, and great knuckle-biting and gnashing of teeth in Samaria and Judea, believe you me.

I think the big question for Americans is, why do we keep giving foreign aid to the Israelis when they keep spending it on stupid stuff like tanks and rifles and other ineffective shit like that? I bet we could just send over an aircraft carrier packed to gunwhales with fist-sized chunks of good ol' Vermont granite, and (assuming it didn't sink) this whole Middle East thing would be taken care of in a couple hours.

~Mr. Bad

 

Over.  End of Story.  Go home now.

yaddayadda@pigdog.org


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