Confessions of an Amateur Pornographer
Porn Pet Peeves
Last Gasps of the Dying
Becoming XXX
Interview with a Stripper
Jed Sanders, America's Favorite
Literary "Pullout"
The Danny Letters
The Media is the Mess
Ultimate Sex Links
If Life Were Like Porn
The Spawning Pigdog
In the Thick of Things
Random Shit
For the love of god, not another detective plot line, puh-lease!!!

Porn Pet Peeves


am a person of the female persuasion, I am irritated as all hell, and I want to talk about pornography. I know what you’re thinking. “Oh
great. Another self-righteous diatribe by some fascist man-hating feminist.” But really, it’s not like that at all. Let me explain.

For as long as I can remember, I have been fascinated by porn. Back when Playboy occupied the same shelves as Better Homes and Gardens at the local supermarket, I would slip over while my mother was absorbed in price comparing canned beets, and surreptitiously open the cover. Oh, the mystery of it. My god, the tits! As an almost teen, I would visit my cousins and we would raid their father’s skin-mag collection in the garage. I would snicker and giggle because that was what they were doing, but in the back of my mind I was thinking that it wasn’t funny at all. In the back of mind I was secretly plotting to slip out to the garage after they had gone to sleep, just so
that I could get a better look at those magazines. I was amazed that, after all that my sweet but rather religious mother had taught me, such things even existed. It was incredible. It was exhilarating. I knew I wanted more.

By the time I was seventeen, I had become something of a porn addict. My boyfriend couldn’t believe his stroke of luck (pardon the pun). A girlfriend that actually like porno! I of course would feign innocence in mixed company, since at that time it wasn’t chic for women to admit that they enjoyed that sort of thing, but when we were alone, oh lord! I do believe I gave the poor man an inferiority complex, as I was always slipping out of bed in the middle of the night to watch without him. I couldn’t help it. I was hooked.

It was while I was working for a disreputable bookstore—you know the kind I mean—I began to notice a disturbing syndrome. My interest in my beloved porn was beginning to wane. At what I determined to be a rather early stage in the game, it appeared that I had seen it “all.” Nothing shocked, excited, or even mildly stimulated anymore. Oh no! I had become jaded! But there are some aspects to the “industry” that are just too annoying to ignore, and damn it, it’s ruining my good time! I will attempt to briefly list some of the things that really piss me off. Let’s see if you all agree with me.


First of all, it’s my feeling that toys, magazines and videotapes are meant to be fantasy enhancers, not fantasy replacers. And when I’m trying to visualize something I’ve seen and place myself or my partner in the scenario, people like Ron Jeremy do not immediately spring to mind. Maybe it’s just me, but when I’m looking at really ugly actors or models, the last thing on my mind is arousal. I’m sorry, but ass zits, horsy faces, sagging breasts and hairy backs just don’t do it for me. Let’s try to keep the quality assurance levels higher, people. The object of the game is to enhance the fantasy, not disable it. If I want to watch unattractive people fuck, I’ll put a mirror over my bed.


Endless blowjob scenes are a bore. I like still photographs, and like foreplay, a few minutes watching a skilled sucker at work can be fun, but 40 minutes of teeth scraping, neck breaking, jaw straining mouth action is D-U-L-L. Get on with it, already! I’ve also noticed that, unless you’re watching a lesbian flick, the girlie-gets-some-head scenes are pretty lame. One or two obligatory swipes with his tongue and he’s through. And she always manages to get off on those one or two swipes of the tongue, which ties in nicely with my next complaint:


Fake Orgasms. Jesus Christ. I know we’re not getting the acting academy’s finest, here, but come on! If I came that quickly and easily, I’d never leave the house again. The dirty talk can be eliminated, too. Terribly unimaginative stuff, this. “Ooh, baby, yeah. Fuck that pussy/asshole/ear, baby, yeah...” Yawn. We can all see what’s happening, no need for the running commentary.


Speaking of fake, what’s the deal with the props on some of these Adult Feature Entertainment sets? I am not a woman who cannot appreciate the beauty of another woman’s body, whether it be cosmetically enhanced or not, but enormous triple-Z boobs that look like a paper maché piñata at a pervert’s birthday party are too much. They don’t even look real. I can’t figure out how these amateur gymnasts can even maneuver with them on. This applies to the ridiculous strap on stumpies, too. I’d much rather look at a skilled cocksman with an average schlong, than even think about some of the painful entries I’ve witnessed in some of these films and mags. These folks do not look like they are having a good time. I’ve often wondered how many have immediately gone to the emergency room after the money shot was wrapped.


How about false advertising on the box or cover? Not many places allow previews before you buy or rent. How many of you have gotten home with your “Hot Bi-Action” tape only to find that the hot bi-action is nothing more than a couple of hags that kiss and fiddle with one another’s boobs for three minutes before going into yet another boy/girl endless blowjob scene? What a rip! Some of the teaser photos on the box never even appear anywhere in the videotape! Call me crazy, but this just isn’t right, in my book. Even more frustrating than that are the orgy films. Somebody, somewhere in that room is having sex, but you wouldn’t know it. All that is shown are big muscle-bound lummoxes stroking off. I don’t care about that. Why don’t they touch one another? It seems to me that that would be more fun...

I could go on like this forever, but I won’t. I think you get the picture, and you either agree with me or you don’t. Oh sure, not all pornography out there is as terribly produced as I’ve made it out to be, but the overwhelming majority of it is. This is a medium that I used to enjoy immensely, but all the mystery is gone. All the chemistry is gone. I’m getting older, and I guess I want more from my erotic entertainment. What’s so difficult about showing two consenting adults (or three or four, for that matter) engaged in a mutually respectful and obviously enjoyable hoedown? So much of the porno easily available is one-sided and condescending, both to women and to the men that it’s clearly being marketed to. I think it’s pretty sad that, since pornography is the first intimations most teenagers get of the actual act itself, it’s portrayed so inaccurately, unrealistically (not to be confused with unattractively), and 9 times out of 10 it doesn’t even look like the people involved are having fun. Isn’t fun the whole point?

Speaking of getting older, have you noticed how much younger the clerks are at you local smut shop these days? It’s getting downright embarrassing. Let me tell you about it.

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