Confessions of an Amateur Pornographer
Porn Pet Peeves
Last Gasps of the Dying
Becoming XXX
Interview with a Stripper
Jed Sanders, America's Favorite
Literary "Pullout"
The Danny Letters
The Media is the Mess
Ultimate Sex Links
If Life Were Like Porn
The Spawning Pigdog
In the Thick of Things
Random Shit

The Medium is the Mess

In the late 20th century our God-given right as Americans to consume porn like masturbating monkeys in the zoo until we end up blind and bow-legged has conjoined with uber-consumerism and techno-plosion to bring us more porn options than any other nation in history.

This diversity of choice is a source of singular pride that brings a patriotic tear to the eyes of Pigdog staff. For many Americans, though, it's also a source of confusion and emotional pain. So that others need not follow our stony path, we've compiled this handy-dandy chart that lets you know what the best smut medium is for your particular needs.

We recommend that you print it, cut it out, and carry it with you in the pocket of your greasy raincoat when you go down to the video arcade. And don't forget to tell them Pigdog sent ya'!

Smut Medium Pros Cons
  • Inexpensive; Can be retrieved from your neighbor's recycling bin
  • Post orgasm, you can expand your mind with race-baiting cartoons or thought-provoking articles on M-16's
  • Pretty much your only option if you're in prison
  • Embarassing subscription cards fall out on the bathroom floor where your girlfriend can find them
  • Smirking foreign liquor-store clerks
  • Frustration that everybody's just almost but not exactly having very gymnastic sex
  • Stuck-together pages
Video Rental
  • The pitchers of nekkid ladies MOVE!!!!!
  • Captivating plots and stirring dialogue
  • On a big-screen TV, you can get up close and lick a 4-foot-tall vagina
  • Seemingly-endless FBI warning
  • Smirking foreign video-store clerks
  • Accidentally mixing up the cases for daughter's "The Little Mermaid" with Daddy's "Cum Sluts XXXII"
Cable TV
  • Don't have to go to disgusting video booth; watch in comfort of own disgusting living room
  • Informative K-Y Jelly infomercials
  • You always wondered what happened to that Playmate
  • Goddamned scramblers
  • No fast-forward
  • Smirking cable-company telephone-order clerks
  • They cut out the pink shots and leave in the dialogue
  • Have to get $150 hotel room to watch it in
Strip Joint
  • Getting up close and personal with a woman way more beautiful than you'll ever, ever, ever have sex with
  • Asses so tight they could crack walnuts
  • Friendly conversation with other patrons
  • Seeing what your daughter's work environment is like
  • Dropping $200 in one night and not coming
  • Having a pair of sequined panties thrown in your face
  • Getting a seat behind a pillar, miss entire show except music
Phone Sex
  • You always wondered what it sounds like for a woman to have an orgasm
  • Get sensation of interaction with a real person without having to be around a real person
  • Easy-to-remember 976 numbers
  • $5.99 first minute, $732.99 each additional minute
  • When your mom picks up the other line
  • 976 blocking
  • One hand for holding the receiver, one hand for dialing... no hands left. You get the picture
  • Don't have to get up from your computer to masturbate
  • Spending money for scanned-in photos from magazines you have under your bed
  • Indulge your sickest desires without threat of arrest... probably
  • Chatting with a 52-year-old man pretending to be a 21-year-old woman
  • Trying to keep a hard-on for an hour and a half while files download
  • Spam
  • Smirking ISP tech-support clerks
  • Accidentally download picture of man eating shit from fat woman's butt, unable to sleep for weeks