Confessions of an Amateur Pornographer
Porn Pet Peeves
Last Gasps of the Dying
Becoming XXX
Interview with a Stripper
Jed Sanders, America's Favorite
Literary "Pullout"
The Danny Letters
The Media is the Mess
Ultimate Sex Links
If Life Were Like Porn
The Spawning Pigdog
In the Thick of Things
Random Shit

If Life Were Like Porn

assembled by the Pigdog Staff

If life were like porn...
All men would be hung like ponies.
All women would have double-digit I.Q.s significantly lower than their bust size, huge hair, and fingernails that Freddy Kruger would envy.
All women would be nymphomaniacs. All of them. Even the dowdy ones would turn into ravening cum-junkies when they took off their glasses and let down their hair. So what the fuck is wrong with that?
Even complete geeks would get laid at the drop of a hat. Literally. Like, you'd be walking down the street and some busty blonde with big hair, six-inch fingernails and a micro-mini with no panties would bend over to pick up her hat (blown off her head yet again by that slow leak in her head), and she wouldn't mind at all when a complete stranger with greasy hair and an old, tattered Star Trek uniform dropped his pants and slipped his bloated organ into her conveniently pre-lubed pussy without so much as a "by your leave."
Men would have no problem maintaining an erection no matter how offensively stupid his or her partner's pillow-talk became (Ooooooh Daddy... it's so big!).
Everyone would put the soundtrack to Starsky and Hutch on the stereo while having sex (waka chika waka chika...). This would help to drown out the stupid things people were saying.
Life, in general, would be poorly lit and everything would sound like you were in stuffed in a coffee can and submerged in water. Anyway, it's rude to talk with your mouth full of dick.
It would be child's play to round up three or four women who enjoyed having oral and anal sex with large groups of complete strangers, but virtually impossible to find someone who could carry on a meaningful conversation.
Women would find Ron Jeremy attractive.
Oh no!  What's he doing to Mr. Hedgehog!?
Ron Jeremy would be everywhere you went. You'd go to Grandma's for Thanksgiving and there he'd be. Do you suppose Grannie left him alone with that turkey? Better order pizza just in case. But don't be surprised if it's delivered by Ron Jeremy.
Men wouldn't be the least bit squeamish about having sex with a woman who has had (or would even considered having) sex with Ron Jeremy.
Got milk? Things would never be deposited in their appropriate orifice. You'd go to a nice restaurant and people would have food in their hair and all over their faces, but it would only occasionally make it into their mouths by accident. This would leave their mouths free for the reproductive organs of the complete strangers around them. As a result, the human race would die out within a single generation, since sperm squirted on butts, faces and tits has very little chance of finding its way to the fallopian tubes. This is a small price to pay to rid the world of that smirking porcupine, Ron Jeremy, and his potential progeny.
Life would be... well... stupid. Nothing would make a lick of sense, and all actions and decisions would ultimately boil down to some guy's desire to get his rocket polished. Hey, life is like porn.