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For those of you who went to public school in the U.S. and haven't heard of Canadia^* before, it's a TOTALLY ROCKIN' country just north of the United States. It's a land of free health care, superior hockey teams, cheap universities, and birthplace of some of the most hard-rocking rockers ever, including Rush, William Shatner, and Céline Dion.

Useful tips when visiting Canadia:

• Canada has two official languages: English and French. If you meet a Canadian who just speaks French, try speaking English with a French accent -- they'll understand what you're saying just fine.
• "Eh?" is a verb. If you try to use "eh?" as a noun, people will look at you funny.
• Cuban cigars are tasty. Yes, those really are Cuban cigars behind the counter at the convienence store. To date, there are no known instances where not buying cigars from a country has caused a dictator to fall from power, so buy some and smoke 'em.
• Need a new liver? Go to Canadia. Health care is free, and they don't check ID. Just be warned: The liver you get may have processed more alcohol than the urinals at Yankee Stadium.

^*Canadia is the proper spelling for a country where the people call themselves "Canadians". If the country's name was spelled "Canada," then the people there would call themselves "Canadans." Since they call themselves "Canadians", it's only reasonable to spell the name of their country "Canadia." After all, people from Germany don't call themselves "Germanians" do they?

In fact, chances are that you found this web page because you typed "Canadia" into a search engine. Subconsciously you already believe that the country to the north of the United States should be called Canadia. Thank you for seeing things our way.

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oarsman@pigdog.org