Build Date: Wed Jan 28 23:20:11 2026 UTC
In case any of you decide to off yourself, may I please have your head?
-- Head Freezin' Gene
Jeff Bezos' penis rocket locks onto target
2021-09-05 00:48:33
The Airlander 10 aka "the flying bum", a hybrid helium airship built by Hybrid Air Vehicles in central England, will no longer schedule test flights when Jeff Bezos' Blue Origin Penis Rocket is shooting off.
The Airlander 10 is a hybrid airship which achieves lift via both aerostatic and aerodynamic forces. Unlike most airship designs it does not have a circular cross-section, instead using a lifting body design based on a giant smooth, shapely ass.
The lovely posterior shape is designed to contribute aerodynamic lift while the airship is moving forward. The shape generates up to half of the airship's lift in the same way that the wings on a conventional fixed-wing aircraft generate lift.
Unfortunately, the design also makes it a prime target for giant flying penises. Due to the risk involved, test flights have been suspended.
Buoyancy is also provided by helium contained within the plump, shapely skin of the vehicle. 60-80% of the aircraft's weight is supported by lighter-than-air helium, which lifts and separates the port and starboard cheeks.
The crew pilots the flying derriere from the taint control room just beneath "the plug", a giant square-shaped stopper that keeps helium from escaping.
"If the plug slipped out, or got pushed out by too much gas pressure, that could be catastrophic," said an engineer who wished to remain anonymous. "All of the helium would come rushing out, the skin would start to sag, and you might not get enough lift to stay up."
"It would also be incredibly loud, as if Rodney Dangerfield stepped on the world's largest duck."
T O P S T O R I E S
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
Three Days and 25 Spocktails: A Cautionary Tale
Johnnie Royale picked me up from the dental surgery. I felt warm, safe, cradled in the anathesia's loving embrace. The pharmacy downstairs gave me a bottle of Vicodin and a few instructions: take it with food, don't mix with alcohol, don't operate heavy machinery. I put it in my pocket and we left. "Do you want to go home, or do you want to go to a bar?" asked Johnnie. (More...)
This was an old standby back in my poor college days. Back then the goal was to get butt fucking wasted for as little money as possible. The problem was we hated dirt cheap beer - and some weekends, even Henry's was far more lucre then we could scratch together. So we invented Red. (More...)
Another Spocktail from the beverage researchers at SMRL: Home of The Deathwave Bar & Grill! (More...)
A Nobel Prize-Winning Author Describes Liquor
Curled up cozy with a good book? All warm and snuggly and thinking about friends far away? So am I, reading the greatest story by the greatest writer -- when he suddenly starts waxing philosophical about liquor! (More...)
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
