Build Date: Mon May 20 10:30:07 2024 UTC
This made me laugh so hard that gin came squirting out of my nose. Oddly enough, I was drinking lemonade at the time.
-- doctor obnox son of a bitch
Bruce Banner Beans
2002-04-03 11:10:14
This whole genetically-modified food debate has been very difficult for me. On the one hand you have reactionary hippies pitching a fit, and I'm pretty used to agreeing with those people. But on the other hand you have mad wild-haired scientists violating the very laws of God and Earth, and I love those guys too! It's like if Gabrielle got into a fight with Agent Scully. How could I choose?
Well, I finally decided to stop waffling on the issue, because genetically modified food has restored my sense of wonder and delight in the future. It was the beans that did it. Apparently the mad wild-haired scientists in India are spending their research budgets figuring out how to make beans less farty. I guess in India they eat a lot of beans, and the farts really add up. It's a big social problem, right up there with the nuclear tensions and the Thuggees. In fact, I think it might contribute to the nuclear tensions.
Anyway, in my reconstruction of events, these mad wild-haired scientists were sitting around watching the fluids gurgling in the Erlenmeyer flasks and playing poker for brains, and one of them lets a big smelly fart rip, and as the others jump up and start opening windows the first one gets kind of shamefaced and he says "Hey, let's see what GAMMA RAYS will do to the beans!"
As everyone knows, gamma rays are what transformed mild-mannered scientist Bruce Banner into The Incredible Hulk. This is the issue that hangs in the air unspoken as the crazy scientists blather on about their radioactive fartless beans. Apparently the gamma rays do make the beans less farty but who cares! These goddamn single-minded scientists are going to loose some green behemoth upon the world and they're going to go, "Look! He doesn't fart!" And we'll all say, "What the hell do you mean he doesn't fart! He's leaping across oceans and smashing tanks! How are we supposed to notice whether or not he's farting!" And then the hippies will write angry letters to the editor saying that the cumulative effects of fartless invincible giants on the global ecosystem are unknown and perilous and there ought to be warning labels.
"Flatulence is an important indicator of a healthy gut system," said lone-microbiologist-in-the-wilderness Glenn Gibson. "Moreover, the abrupt transformation into a massive being of superhuman strength and endurance could have a traumatic effect on the digestive system, long-term."
But I just can't go with the hippies on this one. I can't wait to have all these Incredible Hulks jumping around India. Because how cool is that?
There probably should be warning labels though.
Editor's Note 4/15/02: Ethnobotanist Gayle Fritz would like to point out that radioactive fartless beans are not actually genetically modified foods, unless the fartlessness is heritable by future generations of beans. It is similarly unclear whether Bruce Banner's transformation into The Incredible Hulk should be technically considered a "mutation," or merely an example of "whack-ass freaky shit." Scientific accuracy is of the utmost importance here at Pigdog Journal, and this editor regrets the error.
T O P S T O R I E S
In 2010 Dr. Cheng-Huai Ruan discovered a way to cause a patient with an abnormal heartbeat to get back into a normal rhythm by sticking a finger up the patient's ass. (More...)
WKRP in Cincinnati aired from 1978 through 1982. Howard Hesseman played Dr. Johnny Fever, a DJ from Los Angeles who was fired from his previous job for saying the word "booger" on the air. In the show Hesseman would do some dialogue, introduce a song, and start the song. You'd hear a few notes, but never the whole song. (More...)
SF Hippies Can't Get Their Act Together
The annual 420 Hippie Hill event in Golden Gate Park, where large crowds of hippies, wannabe hippies, and hippie poseurs drape themselves in tie dye t-shirts and gather on a hill on 4/20 to smoke weed, was cancelled this year because the organizers couldn't get their act together. (More...)
Mozart to be inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame
Joining such hard-rocking inductees as Abba, Chet Atkins, Nat King Cole, and Neil Diamond, the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame is proud to induct Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. (More...)
Gary Busey definitely involved in a hit and run accident
Gary Busey was definitely involved in a hit-and-run accident, but won't face any charges because he's rich and famous. (More...)
Gary Busey allegedly involved in Malibu hit-and-run
"Sir! You hit my car! I need your information!" the woman yelled at Gary Busey driving a battered Volvo station wagon before he sped off. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
On a hot spring night after dinner and before the night's serious drinking begins, a Romulan Highball really hits the spot. (More...)
It's not like I have a heroin problem, see. I'm just a self-indulgent brat who likes to live beyond her means. When I zip down to my corner Money Mart for a little cash-till-payday loan, I'm really not planning to spend it on drugs. I'll spend it on sushi. Seventy bucks of interest for a two-week $400 loan is perfectly reasonable, if you really need that hamachi. (More...)
Poor Metallica. All they want is to continue to put out the same weak "Heavy Metal" they've been churning out since the "And Justice For All" days? and make gooey wads of cash in the process. The problem is, people aren't buying their bound for the heavy metal scrap heap, over-produced, uninspired, tired crap. And let's face it, their various commercial endorsements won't pay for the lifestyle they've become comfortably accustomed to. Resorting to lawsuits makes perfect sense, when you need spending money. But just one lawsuit isn't going to pay their bills. So, to aid Metallica, I've composed an open letter to the boys in the band, with suggestions as to whom else they might sic their lapdog lawyers on... (More...)
Spock Went, Spock Wrote, Spock Kicked Ass
Every Labor Day weekend a large portion of the PDJ staff joins 30,000 other freaks at one of the biggest and strangest art festivals in the world - Burning Man - somewhere on the edge of the Black Rock Desert. Our base of operations is always the ultra swank Spock Mountain Research Labs - the World Leaders in Beverage Science and Leisure Technology. This year, we hauled up our computers, printers and a massive digital duplicator, determined to become Black Rock City's third daily newspaper. Even Spock was surprised by our success - news will never be viewed the same on the playa. Read all seven issues of the 2002 Spock Science Monitor for yourself and see why. (More...)
A Day in the Life of a Beverotologist
It was starting to look like a very boring Saturday, trapped as I was in the suburban wastelands of the outer Bay Area, so I called my Able Assistant (AA) and proposed that we perform some Spocktail field tests. For some time I've been working on creating the quintessential cinematic beverage and even tho' SMRL does most of its testing during nocturnal hours, this seemed an opportune time to roll up the sleeves of our labcoats and get some science done. While the beverotology creation tested this day (The Neurotoxin) must be deemed a success, this article focuses more the journey of the experimenters, rather then the science of beverotology. (More...)
A Blast from the Past! Pao Tzu goes over and under the crucial variables in the production and consumption of Salvia Divinorum. A must read for psychonauts of all stripes. (More...)