Build Date: Wed Apr 15 02:10:09 2026 UTC
Slim-Fast bars are pretty good if you dip them in batter and deep-fry them.
-- h.r.taffs
Disoriented Walken Forced to Make Movie About Cartoon Bears for Disney; Prognosis Grim, Say Experts
2002-04-22 17:18:15
Here's an item that's been banging around the Pigdog offices for quite a while, but has seemed too horrifying to actually comment on. Until now. Slow news day and all.
Christopher Walken is starring in the upcoming Disney flick "The Country Bears," based on the Walt Disney World (and until recently, Disneyland) animatronic show "Country Bear Jamboree." The movie stars Walken, a human actor of some renown, and a cast of animated bears voiced by various celebrities. Walken plays an evil banker, apparently, who is trying to shut down the Country Bear Jamboree.
This is not a joke. Walken actually read the script and then signed a contract. Everything is all legal and official-like. ''He loved working with the bears,'' the film's director, Peter Hastings says. ''He was fascinated by how they live together with the humans without comment.''
Hastings, whose single previous directorial credit was the "Flyndiggery Do!" episode of "Disney's One Saturday Morning" cartoon series, seems not to understand the specific gravity of the situation he's stumbled into: ''Typically, when I say I am doing a movie based on the Country Bears, people say, 'Really?' But after explaining the approach for 10 minutes, they become interested.''
Ten whole minutes. And Christopher Walken was facinated by how the bears live with the humans and how no one says "Hey, those bears are living with those humans." And giant buckets of money were dumped into this production, literal tons of filthy green lucre. And there will be a Christopher Walken toy coming soon to your Happy Meal.
You can't make this shit up. A sequel is already planned. Did I mention that the movie also stars Willie Nelson and Queen Latifah? Yes, yes it does.
Someone get hold of Walken immediately and vigorously shake him. Then run away real fast, because one of these days the Percocet is finally going to wear off and he's gonna be real, real mad.
T O P S T O R I E S
The Crossroads are real and The Blues is a place; The enduring myth of Robert Johnson (More...)
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
I just came across this coolio essay by Pigdog Journal Science Editor binky wedged between two staves in the back corner of the submissions barrel. It's on the origin of the cyberbilly and is definitely de rigeur for any serious student of this fascinating sociological movement. (More...)
The Deep Dark Underbelly of the Star Wars Myth, or Ramayana Remembered
It's a fact: Star Wars is a blatant plagiarism of an ancient Asian legend, and the long lines of devout Star Wars freaks are really unscrupulous Asian copyright busters. From Indonesia to Thailand to Nepal, videos are available for sale or rent before they're even released in the US and UK due to this nerdy camcorder-clutching bunch. (More...)
The quest for knowledge never ends at the super top secret Spock Mountain Laboratory, although it is frequently interrupted by beverage breaks. Recently, a team of crack ethnomixologists returned from a dangerous expedition to the frozen expanse of Canada with the much sought recipe for a Spocktail that is destined to replace blunt force head trauma as the major cause of brain damage in the civilized world. (More...)
On the Implementation of a Grocery Bag And Overforestation Initiative
Patient Joab and his evil cohort, Patient Steve, develop a proposal for the plastic-v.-paper problem that EVERYONE can be happy with. An EXCLUSIVE from Spock Mountain Research Labs! (More...)
"Gee, I wish I was older."
"So do I." (More...)
