Build Date: Wed Oct 29 13:10:13 2025 UTC
I no longer have a soul, having bartered it long ago for dashing good looks and a handful of super-powers.
-- Lenny Tuberose
Disoriented Walken Forced to Make Movie About Cartoon Bears for Disney; Prognosis Grim, Say Experts
2002-04-22 17:18:15
Here's an item that's been banging around the Pigdog offices for quite a while, but has seemed too horrifying to actually comment on. Until now. Slow news day and all.
Christopher Walken is starring in the upcoming Disney flick "The Country Bears," based on the Walt Disney World (and until recently, Disneyland) animatronic show "Country Bear Jamboree." The movie stars Walken, a human actor of some renown, and a cast of animated bears voiced by various celebrities. Walken plays an evil banker, apparently, who is trying to shut down the Country Bear Jamboree.
This is not a joke. Walken actually read the script and then signed a contract. Everything is all legal and official-like. ''He loved working with the bears,'' the film's director, Peter Hastings says. ''He was fascinated by how they live together with the humans without comment.''
Hastings, whose single previous directorial credit was the "Flyndiggery Do!" episode of "Disney's One Saturday Morning" cartoon series, seems not to understand the specific gravity of the situation he's stumbled into: ''Typically, when I say I am doing a movie based on the Country Bears, people say, 'Really?' But after explaining the approach for 10 minutes, they become interested.''
Ten whole minutes. And Christopher Walken was facinated by how the bears live with the humans and how no one says "Hey, those bears are living with those humans." And giant buckets of money were dumped into this production, literal tons of filthy green lucre. And there will be a Christopher Walken toy coming soon to your Happy Meal.
You can't make this shit up. A sequel is already planned. Did I mention that the movie also stars Willie Nelson and Queen Latifah? Yes, yes it does.
Someone get hold of Walken immediately and vigorously shake him. Then run away real fast, because one of these days the Percocet is finally going to wear off and he's gonna be real, real mad.
T O P S T O R I E S
California Glory Hole attracts huge crowds
A glory hole at Napa's Lake Berryessa is drawing huge crowds. According to Chris Lee, the general manager for the Solano County Water Agency, the glory hole hasn't been active since 2019, and only restarted operations on Feb 4. (More...)
Republican State Senator busted after soliciting a teenage girl
Republican State Senator Justin Eichorn of Minnesota was arrested for soliciting a teen girl on Monday just hours after he introduced a bill proposing "Trump derangement syndrome" (TDS) as a form of mental illness. (More...)
Parents claim measles is not that bad after having only one child die
The parents of a Texas girl who died from the measles are defending their decision not to vaccinate their daughter. "She says they would still say 'Don't do the shots,'" an unidentified translator for the parents said. "They think it’s not as bad as the media is making it out to be." (More...)
Delusional rich man tries to fire town staff
"I'm mayor now" said write-in mayoral candidate and founder of Pirate’s Booty Snacks Robert Ehrlich after losing the election for Mayor of Sea Cliff, NY. Then he tried to take over the Village Hall and fire everyone. (More...)
Musk claims Xitter security is staffed by idiots
Earlier this month Xitter experienced a massive outage. In an interview, Musk told Fox Business that he believes the attack came from "IP addresses originating in the Ukraine area." (More...)
The Future Ain't What It Used To Be
Ideas have taken horrifying shape and rooted into our modern reality. (More...)
C L A S S I C P I G D O G
This week: another fine spocktail from the beverage researchers at SMRL! Drink it in peace, because WE DID THE RESEARCH! (More...)
It’s election night. My wife and I are holed-up in this hotel that my political party has rented out for the evening. Outside, people are being violently beaten for whom they voted for. Is this South Africa? Perhaps we’re in Haiti or some Southern state during the 60’s. Of all the places where this sort of thing happens, it’s mind-boggling that we are in Portland, Maine. (More...)
During a magnificent sunny day in a fast receding autumn, the Spock Science Monitor reporters once again blew the playa dust off of their computers and covered the 2002 Burning Man Decompression – held every year just east of Portola Hill in beautiful San Francisco. Both an afternoon and evening issues were released to the unsuspecting crowd of freaks attempting to in some small way experience the euphoria of the playa – if but for a brief afternoon far from the desolation of Northern Nevada. (More...)
Vacationing from Somnambulant Narrow Realities
So about six months ago, I was chilling in Chang Mai, Thailand with ICBINJ, perursing the Bangkok Times over my banana pancake and Big Chang breakfast when I spotted this article reprinted from the LA Times. It was about some kooks from California (where else?) who were claiming to have been to the front lines in Afgahnistan in mid-December and had recorded the whole feat on their website. "Holy Fuck!" I thought, "Now That's web journalism. Who are these guys!?" (More...)
Naked Australian Redhead -- Missing!
She posed naked on the web, fought for pornography online, and even kept an online "Diary of a Virtual Girlfriend." But after earning a place in internet history, Bernadette Taylor vanished without a trace. (More...)
